Thursday, February 19, 2009
I feel like I woke up with a brick wall in front of me. Like it just appeared there overnight. And now it is my job to remove the bricks, one by one.
I am still figuring out my feelings. I am so confused. I was doing so well. Nothing dramatic has happened in my life. Yet, I feel like I am stuck in quicksand.
I keep crying at random moments. I feel tired. Yet, I am still reaching for the first brick. Today, I will set a small goal of drinking all my water. I will praise myself for accomplishing that goal. I will take down this wall! One brick at a time.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I have been thinking about why I have been so unmotivated. I have lost 20 pounds and I am proud. I am also scared. If I lose more--none of my clothes will fit and I do not have the money to buy more. I guess I'll have to go to Good Will. If I lose more--I will be in a new decade of numbers, that I can't remember when I saw them last. I guess I'm gonna have to get used to the "new" me. If I lose more--I just know I'm gonna have to deal with even more emotions (all that baggage). I guess I'm gonna have to get brave.
I am going to go a new direction here. I am going to focus on my feelings when reaching for food. I am going to figure out what I am holding on to that scares me so much. I am going to cry, laugh, deal.
Tell me everythings going to be okay. Tell me I CAN handle this. Lift me up.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I have realized that I have been spending waaaay to much of my energy on others. I have not been taking very good care of myself. Nor have I been speaking my mind. Like telling people that now is not a good time for me to talk. Or, no, I can't help you with that. Or, simply, I need to not engage in situations that are going NO WHERE. I do believe that I am tired of offering help to those who ask for it, but then do not actually do anything to help themselves. I am going to say NO today. I am going to to experience the sheer joy of being today. I will do what I want. I will help if I want. I will not if I don't want. I am going to control my choices today! Yeah!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
So, I am starting to feel better with the strep throat thing. However, the antibiotics have really kicked in with a terrible side effect--intestinal looseness (if you know what I mean). I'm trying my best to eat anti-diarrhea foods (bananas, applesauce, and yogurt to put back some good bacteria), but boy am I wiped out. If this persists, I am going to have to go back to the doctor and switch antibiotics. I really don't want to have to pay another $30.00 co-pay. Why can't anything be simple? Or, work out the way it should? Okay, I know, Everything works out the way it should. I am not the one in control. Sometimes, it's just so hard to follow the Greater Plan. I'm just so tired today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Lord, please be with me, take care of me, and help me get trough this day. Thank you for all my blessings. Especially my friends.
Monday, February 09, 2009
I was in complete denial on Friday, ignoring my symptoms, working hard at playing with kids (which is where I suspect I got this nasty germ from). I crashed hard Friday night and woke up Sat. morning in major pain. Still, I went on with my day, pretending that it would all go away. By three that afternoon, I was at Urgent Care. By four, I was at the pharmacy, getting my HORSE pills. Geeze, I have a swollen throat! Huge pills are very hard to swallow when you have a swollen throat! Actually, by then, I didn't really care. I just wanted to feel better. It is so hard to cope when you feel like dying every time you swallow.
I am starting to feel better today. I slept most of the day yesterday. I am working today, hoping to make it through the day. Hopefully be back to my regular routine later this week.
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