Wednesday, January 02, 2013
In my musings to myself while out hiking to day, I came to realization that "faking it til you make it" is just another way of being totally into yourself.
I was thinking about the time, a very long time ago, when I was trying to be more "sexy". I was in college, I was just trying to figure out my sex appeal, I was so self-conscious.
At the time, see-through shirts were popular. I bought a very pretty, floral print, yet see-through shirt. I wore it out with a male friend. I spent the entire evening tugging and pulling at the shirt. Making sure I was not exposing too much. Eventually, my date pointed out to me that I seemed uncomfortable. I was mortified! He wasn't supposed to notice that! I was supposed to be sexy!
Well, it occurred to me today, in remembering this moment, that I was soooo into myself. Sooooo into how I felt, how I came across, how I wanted others to see me. In other words=selfish!
When I am distracted, really engrossed in what I am doing, I could care less what others think of me. I could care less how I come across. I am just into the task at hand.
I then remembered, with much amusement, another fake it moment. I had been hiking the very trial I was on at that time. I was running up a hill, completely exhausting myself. I heard a four runner coming up the path behind me. (maintenance crew). I did not want them to see me struggling to catch my breath! I was fat, and feeling very embarrassed by my lack of physical conditioning. So, I tried to slow my breathing down (all the while gasping for breath) and decided to stop when they were about to pass me and simply hold my breath. Then they would NOT see me heaving. So I did. And as soon as they passed me I began heavy breathing again.
This story amuses me now because... Just who was I trying to impress??? What the freak was I thinking? Who would even care?
Oh my gosh! Faking it! Yup, all about ME!
No more faking. I am who I am. I make mistakes. I apologize. I move on. And from now on, I try to be intentional about what I am doing so I can be in the moment and not into myself!