Monday, May 21, 2012
I have done the work. I have had some amazing moments. I lost 25 pounds! But all that equated to was ONE lousy size in clothes. I could not imagine having to lose 25 more to get down another size. I could not bring myself to care anymore. Why bother?
But now I feel like crap again. My knees hurt. My back aches. My body rejects my every effort to move more. Pain is a daily occurrence. My body HATES this 25 pounds! No matter what size my clothes say--my body does not like the weight!
I have to pick myself up. I have to keep my head and heart in the game. I have to get this weight off my body. I have to stop stressing about what that looks like. I have to concentrate on what it feels like.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I'm sad. I'm fat. I'm in Cincinnati.
I'm so heavy. In body and spirit.
I am so sick of being FAT! Yet I am also sick of trying so freaking hard to change my body, size, shape, weight, habits, mind.
I want a do-over. I want to go back in time and LOVE the girl I was. That girl was thin. That girl was beautiful. That girl had no idea.
This girl (woman) aches for that girl because she thought she was fat. She thought she was undesirable. She thought television was the the only way a girl was measured. That sickeningly skinny was the right way to exist.
This girl is beginning to realize that she hasn't been living the words she has told her daughter time and time again. "You are beautiful, just the way you are. Women come in all shapes and sizes and that is a very good thing."
I can say those words. I can think they are true: For others. They somehow do not apply to me. I am the only woman ugly for her size.
Does the battle ever really end? Will I ever be happy, satisfied, content, proud? Will I ever have a day when I feel great and do not even think for one second about food, exercise, appearance?
I could write a book about healthy living. I "get" what I am supposed to do. I even do it. For a while...
The inner demons never seem to stop. There is always a new voice popping in to speak mean words, to entice me to the dark side, to paralyze me. There seems to be an infinite supply of evil in my brain.
I kick the voices out. I swear. But they are crafty and they sneak back in. They lie in wait. Sneaky little opportunists. I hate them!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Easy is over-rated.
Easy is lazy.
Not that I WANT everything to be hard. Some stress is good for the body. It is what builds bone and muscle and intelligence.
Easy doesn't get you results that you can be proud of.
So, lately, I have realized that I trend my life towards "easy". Or, do I?
I am 41 years old, back in school full-time, working, a Mom, a homeowner (almost), in a relationship (back together again). Nothing about my choices seems to be "easy".
I think I love drama. Perhaps that's why I never seem to lose weight.
Now, I want to try vegetarianism. I want to eat healthy, yummy, no animal based foods. Not the EASY choice. Certainly, I will have the folks in my immediate life in an uproar. Why would you do that? will be the first question they will ask.
Well, I just saw a documentary that gave some very compelling information/science about how Western diet is KILLING Americans. Animal proteins CAUSE disease. Plant-based diets reverse heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, etc.
I have been here before. Excited. Motivated. Scared straight.
Not sure how long this will last. I hope long enough for me to get healthy, results, off medicine, and truly happy about how I look and feel.
One day at a time...
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