Thursday, July 15, 2010
I have tried to compose and submit 2 blogs now, only to have them be lost in cyberscpace!
I'm afraid to write anymore.
I'll try again later.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
It's early. 6am. Shoes laced. Key and phone in pocket.
I open the door and step out to a fantastic morning sun. Blue sky. Oh yeah! it's gonna be a great day for the beach.
Start walking, slow at first, easing the sleep out of my body.
Oh! The glorious chirps of birds unknown to my native land. The occasional squawk of a sky rat (sea gull). It is music to my ears.
A quick glimpse of a breeze with a tease of coolness in it. The sun is easing into day, as I am, still holding a bit of night in the air. It doesn't fool me, the day will be a hot one.
There is a crunch of gravel mixed with sand below my feet. The joys of being near water. I feel so light, bouncy. I run a few steps. I run a few more. My heart is glad.
I slow to catch my breath. My breath catches the sweet scent of pine. I forgot how that scent permeates the air here! I take a deep breath-inhaling the memories of times past. Playing with my brothers, my cousins, the kids we meet here.
My mind wanders. My feet keep moving. I am in awe of this morning. I swear I can here the waves crashing on the shore-calling to me-"Come. Jump in. The water's fine."
As I come closer to my beginning point, I slow. I don't want this walk to end. It has been a respite. A gift.
I take out the key, unlock the door, step inside. Imaginary vacation over. I am back home with kids to care for and everyday stuff to accomplish. No real vacation for me.
But, I've always got my imagination.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
The past is gone. Whether is was two years ago or two minutes ago. Over. Done. No more.
I have major impulses to go back and log stuff from yesterday. But then I realize that today is all I can control.
I was feeling pretty void last night and tried to fill the void with food. Looking at the results on a food tracker is not going to fill that void, nor will it change anything about what happened last night.
Figuring out WHY I felt the void and WHY I ate to fill the void is waaaaaaay more important.
I'm not entirely sure why the void. I am reading a book about people who have suffered some serious tragedies in their lives. It's a work of fiction. I am entranced by this book. But, I think it is what triggered the feelings, or lack of feelings, in me last night.
I found myself thinking of times that I felt the way these characters did. The feelings of loss, being out of control of a situation, having those around you want you to talk about it when you do not, being consumed by grief, feeling unloved, questioning every move you've ever made.
I ate. I never did feel full. It sucked.
I have found myself focusing on all the good eats I did have yesterday. And the good stuff I've done today. I also have found myself pondering the people I have in my life right now.
I have a particularly logical girlfriend whom I go to frequently when I am feeling "lost" (for lack of a better word). She is someone who is currently in a weird spot in her own life right now. Not someone I really want to go to with my own issues at this time. I have tried to confront her, but she won't/can't see it right now. I even talked to a mutual friend of ours who confirmed my feelings. It is tough to not have my "real friend" around. I am hoping this clears itself up soon and we will find ourselves talking and debating like we used to.
Sometimes you just have certain people that you want to talk to about something. You know they will "get it" and that they will help you sort out your feelings. But then, maybe this situation is a call for me to start relying on others. For me to reach out to others. To show an even more "real" me to them.
I am a fairly out going, extroverted type. But when it comes to giving up something truly private about myself, I am not so forthcoming. It takes time to build relationships with people like that. Lately, I have found myself trying to reach out to more people. To accept the possibility of rejection, but putting myself out there anyway. Being in community with others is very important to me. I have to stop letting the filters of my past prevent me from forging new friendships. And I have to stop letting my feelings about who I "have been" interfere with who I am or who I want to be.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
68 degrees, about 99% humidity. That was at 6am. I could actually "see" the air. It's going to be a hot one today!
What is really cool though is that I feel like the Hot One. I am on fire! I walked 2 miles. I did some crunches, squats and push-ups. I'm motivated baby!
I can't wait to dig into the berries and the veggies I picked up yesterday. Good eats galore today.
My 4th weekend was good, overall. I had a serious emotional meltdown on Sunday. Lack of sleep finally got the best of me. Once I apologized for losing control of my normal self, things went waaaaay better. Sometimes admitting that I am out of control is all it takes to get me back in control. I think our emotions need a little validation. (not an excuse for bad behavior; but I'm not gonna ignore my feeling either)
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