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I do not understand myself

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I don't get it.

Why can't I seem to REALLY do this???

I let boredom creep in.

I let apathy creep in.

I let cheese, salt, fat, fried, frozen--all creep in.

I think to myself "it's just one little snack, it won't blow the whole thing!'

Then, one little snack becomes another.

One skipped workout-snowballs into another.

I try to get the snowball effect going the other way=clean eating, working out; but it isn't taking.

I keep going back to some bad bad bad habits.

I am sabotaging my fit, fabulous and 40 goals.


I know that part of it is the fact that I lost income and have no immediate way of getting it back. I am doomed. Seriously can not pay all my bills. Jobs are really scarce. More people are losing jobs (hence my loss of income-parent of child I watch lost job. ie. I lose job) So, healthy grocery shopping is not as much a priority.

Before, I had the luxury of buying fresh stuff frequently throughout the week. Now, I do my best to make something healthy but that will stretch for a long time. And, the organic, no salt added canned stuff is soooooo much more expensive. I may end up sacrificing my heart for this.

I am going to school in January. I am looking for new employment. But, RIGHT NOW-life is dire.

Perhaps it is depression that is holding me back. My coping mechanisms are not so good. Then there is my stress relief--walking. It is getting very painful to do it because of neuroma in my foot that insurance doesn't cover.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. But sometimes it is just so very HARD!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Sorry that you're going through such a rough time.

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AHEALTHIERME9 6/23/2010 10:21PM

    First, I want to give you a great, big hug! emoticon emoticon

Second, I want to tell you that the fact that you are blogging about your struggles and reaching out to your SparkFriends is going to help you through this, believe it or not.

When I don't blog and reach out, it's very easy for me to fall into old habits.

Know this. Whether you know this or not, even THIS is part of this journey to a healthier, fitter you. THIS is probably the most important part of your journey, because it's where you get to really see up close exactly what it is you tend to do when you do what you do... (if that makes any sense to you).

Take this time to really think about what it is you want and why it is you want it. Revisit those goals and reset new ones if you need to. Sometimes a clean, fresh slate makes all the difference. But above all else, do not beat yourself up. You are learning and growing... and life doesn't stop happening while we're on this journey. So it's up to us to identify our pitfalls, get back up, and find solutions and ways to keep on moving forward and working towards progress.

Let's do this thing already... I'm right next to you rooting for you and cheering you on... Now is not the time to give up on yourself, on your goals, on your dreams... Now is when you need to be stronger than ever PRECISELY BECAUSE other areas of your life are being greatly affected...

Put that warrior hat on and point it towards the storm and charge forward... and while you're doing that, know that we're all here to support you and are right by your side!

Debbie emoticon

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BUDRFLY31 6/23/2010 9:54PM

    First, we had this recipe tonight and we love it! I make it often.
It is very cost effective and we have lots of leftovers. I use 2x the amount of beans and another cup of chicken broth to make it stretch longer.

Second, try making a gratitude list and posting it somewhere where you can often see it for a few days. It helps me when I get down.

Third, you have every right to feel like $%*#. Life has given you a crappy hand right now. Dig deep for any comfort that doesn't involve sabotaging your dreams of a healthy lifestyle.

Fourth, try bartering for fresh produce from someone who gardens. Maybe they need a few hours of childcare, and you have room right now.

Last, try Yoga. I learned to love it!! I have been on medication for depression for a very long time, but I always feel better after a nice Yoga session.


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DRJJ2004 6/23/2010 8:47PM

    Oh honey...I'm so sorry! But, keep your chin up! There are some really GREAT ideas on here! We're all here for you and you know that we'll do what we can for you!! Don't give up, like solucky12 said, sometimes maintaining is all we can do...and it IS better than gaining. Hang in there!!

Hugs! and more hugs!!! :O)

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SOLUCKY12 6/23/2010 6:38PM

    I really feel for you! I've had 2 neuroma surgeries (also when I was in my 40's) and I went through much pain beforehand. I was able to wear Birkenstocks without too much pain. I had more luck with physical therapy later for my continued foot problems unrelated to the neuroma. Then later I had a torn muscle in my ankle and had to wear a long boot 24/7 for 6 weeks. I still managed to exercise at the gym on the bicycle and now I have one at home that I use almost daily. Without insurance your options are limited and I'm really praying for your financial situation to improve.

Sometimes the best we can do is maintaining and not gaining. I'm really appreciating not trying to keep my calorie intake around 1200. I lost 40 pounds, but went to bed hungry often. Then over 3 years of some stress, I slowly gained it back. Since I joined spark people in January, I've nearly lost 20 pounds, so it has been very slow, but steady process. I still log all my food even on the days I'm way over my 1600 limit. Each day is a new day, and I just keep sparking and listening to my friends.

I would love to have had a daughter, even though I love my son. He is grown now, so I enjoy my cats and I'm glad you wrote your blog. There is some great emotional eating advice on this site, so reach out for it. I can't believe how much I have let food keep me company, keep me from being bored, and keep me from living the way I want to. It's still a daily struggle for me and I always wish I hadn't regained the weight, but it has taught me that diets really don't work. We're all here for you, so hang in there! emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/23/2010 6:40:48 PM

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WISEONE68 6/23/2010 6:00PM

    I am reading the other comments to your blog--all I can say is that you have some pretty great SparkFriends. These ideas, suggestions, and comments are all neat! Hope you find some you can "squeeze in" to your budget/routine.

I know how hard it can things piles up on another--overwhelming us. But, we can be our worst enemy or our best ally. Choose to focus as much as possible on the GOOD--it make the dark times a little brighter.

Praying for you, Friend!!!

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KANSASROSE67 6/23/2010 4:20PM

    I don't know where you live but I suggest you make friends with people who garden. Seriously. My husband and I always grow way more produce than we can use and we give it away at work, at church, even at the library. People who garden usually LOVE to share the delicious fruits of their labor!

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RAINBOWFALLS 6/23/2010 3:26PM

    I can totally relate to your foot pain issue because last year I couldn't walk with a cam walker, whcih meant my walking program went out the door.

I am also sure that your job and financial stress is not helping you stay the course. Just do the best you can to be kind to yourself and we will all be here to listen if you need to vent.

I know things will work out or you and I know being in your situation it doesn't feel like it right now.

Best of luck to you!

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GOROSIEO 6/23/2010 2:28PM

    Lots of good suggestions on the $$ end.

These are stressful times that we live in. Please try being a little kinder to yourself psychologically. (Can we get our brains to work with us?)

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-RAELYNN 6/23/2010 2:03PM

    I totally understand! But you can do it. Depression is one of the hardest things to overcome. But take a walk in the sunshine and just determine that you are going to make positive choices today, Just for one day. Drink lots of water and track your food. Where you making good food choices when you could afford to? Get online and find ways to eat healthy on a budget. There are some good Ideas out there.

Cheap ways to improve health/nutrition

1. broth soups
2. apple cider vinegar tonic ( very good for you)
1 tsp. vinegar, 1tsp honey (or stivia), 6oz water before ever meal.
apple sider vinegar the brown cloudy kind at the health
Food store is fairly cheap
3. grow your veggies in garden or a container
4. look for a gleaners co-op in your area.(ask health dept. or farmers markets)

dont beat your self up. Keep hope.

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DIXIED88 6/23/2010 1:49PM

    First of all, you are human. You are not perfect and will never be perfect. Perfect is boring! We have to try our hardest and then allow the rest to slide. Beating yourself up isn't going to help anyone.

Money is really tight with me too (my budget has said for a year that I every month I'm short $200...but somehow I manage to get everything paid even if it is a little late sometimes). Some tips that I use: buy frozen or canned fruits and veggies (last longer than fresh) just rinse the canned to remove sodium. Buy large packs of cheaper cuts of meat and freeze. Use the crockpot to tenderize it into yummy meals. Forget 100 calorie packs! Buy in bulk and put one serving into a to go container (ta da snack time!). Invest in seasonings (or grow a small indoor herb garden) to make bland food yum!

What happened to swimming? It's much better for your feet and makes you feel fabulous in the heat!

Got any ink in your printer?? It's time to make flyers to post around the neighborhood. As a working parent, I know just how hard it is to find reasonable good childcare. Someone out there needs you and doesn't know where you are! Advertise, advertise, advertise!! Tell your kids' parents that you are looking for more children. Put the word out to that massive church you attend.

It may not be as easy or as fast as you like. You can and will do this. Chin up!

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YANNAKITTY 6/23/2010 1:43PM

    First, You need to look at all the positives in your life. It may feel that there are not many, but they are there. Second, eat healthy, but don't purchase the organic foods for now. Work with what you have, I always said if I could afford it the week of shopping then I would buy the organic foods. It doesn't happen often, but once in a while it does. As long as you are eating the fruits and veggies, even if they are not organic, then it is better than nothing. Frozen veggies are sometimes better if you are on a budget. Find ways to make meatless dishes using beans and lentils. There are a ton of recipes on SParkRecipes. You can do this. Cut what you can for extras. Cable, cell phone, and so on. If there is nothing then there is nothing you can do.
Pull yourself up by your boot straps and make everything work the best you can. My life has been one financial upset after another, no fault of my own. I know nothing but to live frugally. It sucks sometimes, but if you let it get you down then where you be. Sitting around feeling bad for the situation. A job may not be available right now, but life keeps moving and so should we. Good luck and don't ignore the power of our brain. It can boost us up quite nicely and I think you could definitely use a dose of exercise induced endorphins.
emoticon emoticon

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AKELAZ 6/23/2010 1:42PM

    I could have written this blog myself - I constantly ask myself why I don't do better - everything is here for me - tools - information - support from great people - and yet . . .

I can only suggest you go back to the beginning and set up new streaks if you need to and re-start all those baby steps until they become solid habits.

Be kind to yourself though - you are not having an easy time and beating yourself up is just not going to help with the weightloss - or with anything else. You and your daughter could maybe see each other through this - she's a little young but could perhaps be a support and at the same time gain some understanding of the importance of healthy eating and exercise.

You will be in my thoughts - Sonia

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Tuesday, June 22, 2010


That was me yesterday!

I need an acronym for today. Any ideas?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIXIED88 6/23/2010 11:24AM

    I hope you are doing better today! We all deserve a lazy day sometimes. Everything in moderation!! emoticon

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WISEONE68 6/22/2010 11:17AM

    B--be strong
L--live with purpose
I--invest time in yourself
E--enjoy the outdoors
V--vary your routine
E--expect results

How's that??!! emoticon

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Monday, June 21, 2010

Yes! I am 39!

Yes! I went down a slip-n-slide Saturday night!

Yes! It was fun!

It was my friends 51st birthday. He started the tradition. I did it last year too. I learned the technique I use from watching Bret Michaels Rock of Love Bus (it's like a train wreak people!). The trick is, you go down on your knees! That way you do not get grass stains/cuts on "the girls", nor do you get water up your nose. You still get plenty wet!

Fun! Fun! Fun!

Getting older doesn't have to mean the end of fun...

What was the last thing you did purely for the sake of F*U*N?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DRJJ2004 6/23/2010 8:49PM

    That sounds awesome!! Hubby and I were just talking about taking the kids to the waterpark. I love to float down the lazy river..they can have the water slides. :O) It's all good! Sometimes I just like to do my own thing.

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AMYJO323 6/21/2010 1:47PM

    That is GREAT! Sounds like a wonderful Birthday tradition!

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DIXIED88 6/21/2010 1:16PM

    LOL! Thanks for the tips! I love slip n slides! I must get one for LO....

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LIBRATAH 6/21/2010 11:43AM

    Sounds like a lot of fun! I haven't tried one of those since I was a kid. I do enjoy all the water park slides!

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BUDRFLY31 6/21/2010 11:36AM

    Ohhh...sounds like fun! I am 41 and love to do stuff like that all the time. Nothing stops me. Glad someone else does too. Enjoy the day!

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HUNNA500 6/21/2010 10:04AM

  We are all kids at heart! At the water park, My wife and I are constantly on the rides, while the teenagers spend their time "walking around" Granted they are checking others out,and even more checking themselves out, but have fun, get wet like the rest of us kids. Have a great day.

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Salad Anyone?

Friday, June 18, 2010

I really HATE cooking in the summer.

I like salads.

I can make a giant pasta, lentil, or bean salad and eat it everyday for a week.

My current problem is finding yummy low-fat, low-sodium options.

Anyone have any good ideas for me?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-POOKIE- 6/18/2010 8:32AM

    I like making a bean salad. Just choose beans canned in water or cook your own dried beans!

1 can Kidney Beans
1 can haricot beans
1 can sliced green beans
1 chopped bell pepper (choose your favourite colour!)
Chopped scallions (add to personal taste)
50ml white wine or cider vinegar
tsp mustard powder/mustard
tsp sugar (optional)
good grind fresh black pepper.

Just mix and leave to marinade several hours, its even better the next day.

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WISEONE68 6/18/2010 8:26AM

    I have not been in awhile...but, I love to go to Farmer's Market and get all kinds of fresh (and, different) veggies and fruit and them chop them up into a wonderful salad.

some favorites:
romaine lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, bell peppers, strawberries

something new/different to add:
star fruit, grapes, jicama, chayote (kinda pear-like), name it!

Anything fresh tastes best!! Good luck! emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/18/2010 7:27AM

    One of my favorite salads is a three bean salad.

1 can black beans
1 can kidney beans
1 can navy beans
olive oil


Pretty much chop up the veggies, toss in salt and olive oil, and finish with lemon. It's bright from the lemon, and protein packed from the beans! Yum! I am making it tonight :)

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I don't wanna grow up

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm a toys-r-us kid!


Enjoy life!

That's what's on tap today.

Sometimes all the tediousness of tracking, working, moving my body more--really bogs me down.

I was going down this morning. Dwelling on the fact that I am really good with breakfast and lunch, but not so much with dinner.

It will come. In due time.

Meanwhile. I am just going to concentrate (while tracking) on HAVING FUN!!!

Hula hoops, sprinklers, water bombs. HERE I COME!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIXIED88 6/17/2010 1:17PM

    Wooohooo!! Don't forget the sun screen!

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WISEONE68 6/17/2010 8:57AM

    sounds GREAT!!

a few years ago, when I worked for Weight Watchers, the topic of the meeting was "Live like a Kid". When I thought about it--it made a lot of sense:

kids eat only when they are hungry
kids play all day (well, not these days---video games!!)
kids eat until they are full and then STOP
kids eat small meals throughout the day
kids walk everywhere; ride bikes; scooters, etc.

the list went on...but, it relates to what you are saying, I think...we need to stay young and keep that "kid energy" and excitement...I'm in...

Hula Hoop here I come (I actually bought on since it is great exercise!!). emoticon

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