Thursday, May 27, 2010
I can't purposely hurt someone. Especially someone who loves me. I am forgiving. Perhaps too much. But then my Catholic upbringing taught me that we have to forgive "seven times seven". I offer grace.
I realized somewhere in the 157 minute talk, that I just couldn't walk away from this relationship. The good does outweigh the bad.
We have some more work to do together. We both want to do the work.
I want to know what it is like to be in for the long haul. We love each other. We are committed.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I've been dating this guy for over 3 years. (we do not live together) We actually knew each other in high school. He's never been married. Never had kids. Is close to his family. But doesn't seem to want to be close to mine. Not to my kid either. Nor my friends.
He does buy my DD birthday/Christmas gifts. He also does stuff with me and her on the weekends that I have her. We spend Sunday's doing some pretty cool things as a "family".
But, he won't come to her school functions. (He did come to one, last year) She was given an award this evening at a ceremony that lasted less than one hour. I didn't know what the award was for until they presented her with it. (it ended up being for perfect attendance. She missed straight A's by one little old B in a flex class, bummer!)
It really doesn't matter what it was for, he won't come to these things.
Is this an indication that he doesn't love my kid? Or am I just being too harsh?
I guess where it comes down to for me is that I want a guy who is into my friends, my family, my kid, my life. He doesn't seem to be.
But then, we are opposites in some practical ways. His excuse was work related. He worked kind of late today and has to be up early tomorrow to go to a job he hasn't been to yet to test stuff he's never tested. (he's a construction site inspector). He's nervous about it and didn't want to get out of his normal week night routine.
I go by the rule that family, or love, comes before work. But then, I am the one in major debt. So maybe I am being too "romanticist" about his role in my child's life. If he and I were married and she was his kid, would I feel the same way? Actually, I did get pissed when my x wouldn't show up for family stuff. But he did go to her dance recitals. Is being responsible financially also love?
Maybe this is really about what I want in the Big Picture of a relationship, than about this one issue?
I have broken up with him at least 3 times. But the last time was one year ago and I decided that I had to be "all in" to see if this was workable. I "committed" to him.
I get that some disappointments happen in all relationships. So how do I know that this guy is a good one? That he's a keeper? If his disappointments are something I can really live with for the rest of my life? Or, if I should put myself back on the market to try for some one better?
I feel as though I have talked myself blue-in-the-face about his lack of relationship with my family, friends, child. (to him) I also feel like I can't dump him. He and I do work well together. He is practical to my eccentric. He is quite to my loud. He is financially responsible to my irresponsibility. He and I love to do similar things (food network viewing, Sunday drives to strange places, just hanging out). But we ALWAYS do these things without others. I love that he loves me and is so devoted to me. But sometimes I wish he would get a life outside of me. See, isn't that a red flag too? Or, at the very least, join me in some of my endeavors.
I realize that the question here is whether or not we work well apart too? Like, is he okay with the fact that I am social? Well, he really isn't. But he hasn't broken up with me yet. He just makes me feel bad sometimes when he feels I am choosing others over him. I point out that he is perfectly welcome to join me. He doesn't and he stops pestering me.
Ugh! Mostly I am venting here. But any constructive advice is welcome.
I HAVE talked to him about ALL of it! I continue to be so confused. I feel like I have NO ability to stand firm on anything. Like I am supposed to put up with the stuff I don't like in order to get the stuff I do. Isn't that what life is all about?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I am a creature of very bad habits that all stems from (duhn, duhn, duhn) Instant Gratification! I see it, I want it, I get it. No lack of focus. There's no time to lack focus. It's instant!
My parents, to their credit, did teach me the skills of planning and waiting, and working. But when I got out from under their thumb and discovered restaurants and credit cards... JOY! Instant! JOY!
I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
I liked it that way.
Truth be told, I still do.
Who doesn't want the magic diet pill? The one that instantly slims you, allows you to eat ANYTHING, and you never have to work out for one minute.
I think I've always tended towards a "do what gets you by" attitude. I got B's in school without trying. And I liked it. (I did pull some straight A quarters, and liked it too, but it required a bit of dreaded work, and well, if I can get by with B's , who needs A's?).
I graduated Cum Laud in college. I also hardly had to "work" for that either. I actually got out of taking a final because the teacher was kind and said, "Jenn, just leave, I'm confident you'll get an A." Seriously? She didn't have to tell me twice! (I really didn't study, and was counting on a B--But hey, I got an A).
Now, I'm realizing that "just getting by" isn't enough. I have to WORK. In all areas of my life.
Relationship: takes a lot of work to make one work, you have to devote time to another human being, you have to be willing to sacrifice. (All this I learned after trying to "get by" in a "he's my soul-mate" *read sarcasm* marriage) The BF I have now is needy, like me. Huh, it takes give and take to make a relationship.
Finances: You can not charge everything to credit and expect it to magically pay itself back. You have to work to make money-lots of it-to get out from under a big hole.
Weight: You have to burn more calories than you put in. Have to! No way around that. This requires planning, moving, talk-therapy/blog therapy, moving more, planning more, choosing better options, having a brain that can switch from Instant Gratification to Focusing on the Big Picture.
I need to learn this skill. Focus. Patience. The idea of rewards for WORK accomplished.
I have to stop "getting by" and start Living Life To It's Fullest.
This means throwing "bad foods" or temptations away. Even when they were gifts or even when I paid for them. Whether it's at home, or in a restaurant. It is NOT wasting money in the long term when I throw something away right now. The price is a few dollars now, but a fist full of them later due to diabetes, open heart surgery, stroke recovery, foot surgery, etc. It means being able to run, walk, climb, play at age 80!
There is more to life than what is smack dab in front of my eyes. This I MUST remember!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I certainly can't be kidding myself. I mean, I KNOW what I am doing. Eating pizza, barbecue, cheese dip, potato chips, ravioli in a smoked mozzarella sauce, brownies, cookies, crab cakes, brie, mocha lava cake, Peanut Brittle Ice Cream! All in the span of 4 days. And that's just the stuff I remember!
I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!
I seem to love it more than a thin body.
I forgot to mention that I logged at least six miles walking. Some attempts at pull-ups. Push-ups, sit-ups, leg lifts, triceps dips, double leg lifts=all conquered! I drank a RIVER of water.
I've been MOVING. FLUSHING. Just NOT EATING HEALTHY!
Then come the friends: It's not about falling. It's the getting back up that matters the most. We'll do this....maybe slower than we would like...with several missteps along the way. But we'll do it! Got a plan for the week? Vacation's over! (thanks BUGGIRL19)
So my plan goes into effect on Tuesday? So what? I got a plan.
Today is clean eating. Today is QuickFire Challenge. (Jumping Jacks, skipping) Today is WATER. Today is TRACKING my food! Today is studying for the CLEP exams I have to take.
Most of this plan will take place in the am. I like to exercise in the am. It is going to be H*O*T and H*U*M*I*D today=so AM it is! Nap time will be study time.
Today I think sexy! Today I think THIN! Today I Make It Happen! Today I make great choices. I love my healthy eats!
Monday, May 24, 2010
My younger brother Matt, whom I love, married a gal named Jenny, whom I love, who has the most fantastic parents, whom I also love. This fabulous Mother-in-law to my brother, turned 60 on Sunday. They had a big blow out party for her at a local park. I gotta tell ya, 60 never looked so good! I wish I had a picture of her. She is stunning! You would NEVER in a million years guess this woman to be 50, let alone 60. I WANT THAT!
She is active. She is kind. She is smart/witty. She is giving. And, she is BEAUTIFUL! The kind of beautiful without any makeup beautiful. A real natural.
I know she does not think this way about herself. She would deny it left and right. But, that just makes her even more beautiful, in my eyes.
I turn 40 in 137 days.
I was contemplating my disastrous food choices this weekend. 3 restaurant meals. 3 non-healthy choices. 3 pig out sessions. What am I doing to myself?
I also confidently walked into a store chose a size 14 off a rack-did NOT also grab a size 16 (you know, just in case...) and OMG! They fit! Then I found a different pair in a size 12. And OMG They FIT! I also got a very sexy skirt in a size 14. I found all of these at an outlet store, which could explain the size 12 (possibly a mis-label). But it felt good to confidently know I am now a 14.
I think I am getting too happy, too comfortable with where I am. So I keep sabotaging my weight loss. This MUST STOP! I know I want more for myself.
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