Tuesday, May 04, 2010
I have been really thinking about all those places in my life that I enable. And why.
I let my kid get away with so much. Last night I made her clear the table and wash the dishes that were standing in the sink. I am so proud! I have to start doing this more. I told her that I cooked the dinner, she can clean it up. And I said that when she cooks dinner, I'll clean it up.
So why haven't I done this before? It's just plain easier to do it myself. Things actually get done. The dishes are cleaner. They are done in my time line. But, what am I teaching her? That the Clean Fairy really exists.
Not anymore. I will enforce a "helping" attitude around here. *(she does have chores, but seriously, not enough) I just hate dealing with eye-rolls and attitude. (But then, I punish her for that. She really hates the "Cliff Huxtable" long talking to. Ha! I love it!)
I also stopped enabling the "nothing" talk from BF. Nothing bores me to tears more than talking about the weather. He is a detail picky person and a black and white person. I want to draw out a thinking/caring/non-judging person. He asked me if we were going to "argue" everyday from now on. I laughed and said, "if that's what you think we are doing, then yes. But I didn't think we were arguing. I thought we were expressing opinions that may be different so that we can each see where the other person is coming from and understand them better."
Welp, I feel better. I hope my new attitude doesn't destroy relationships. I don't believe it will. I believe that enabling, and resentment destroy relationships. We will see.
Sometimes it is easier the talk about the weather. But then nothing gets done/understood/cleared up.
I gotta be free.
I gotta be me!
Monday, May 03, 2010
I just realized, this weekend, that I will have to renew my driver's license this year. I have 158 days until then.
I will be Fit.
I will be Fabulous.
I will be Forty.
Yikes! Forty! Yep. I will be striving to take the most fabulous, most fit, most bestest fortieth driver's license picture EVER!
I will lose another 35 pounds. I am so determined.
A lot of work ahead.
Must go be active!!!
Ta ta for now!
Saturday, May 01, 2010
I was on Facebook this morning and I learned the name of my new cousin. This made me feel really sad. I miss my Michigan family. I didn't even know my cousin was pregnant. (she's a doctor and has never been good at communicating, she leaves all the important stuff to her parents or sister to spread around). My younger brother and his wife also live there now. They used to live real close to me and I would spend so much of my time with them. They have been gone for 2 years now. I do not have the money to go visit, and they do come here quite a bit, but it's not the same.
So here's some more motivation for me to become healthy in mind, body, spirit, and finances: to be able to travel!
I am someone who's "love language" is that of quality time. I feel loved when people spend time with me/I spend time with them. I get really down when I do not get my social time. I am currently needy for it. I just had an "ah ha" moment about my dreadful week. It has many components that contributed, but mostly, I am feeling lonely and therefor=unloved. I MUST correct this.
I have been saving some money on the side. I want to use it to go visit over Labor Day weekend. If I am diligent, it will happen.
In the meantime, I will try to spend time with the peeps that are here. Sometimes though, family is what the heart longs for. There is something about "cousining" that is really special.
Friday, April 30, 2010
I have really been a *ITCH this week. Prickly spines all over me. I am feelin' so sorry for myself in so many ways. I am also feelin' like a hypocrite.
I really do want it all. I really do feel like a prize of exquisite craftsmanship. I really do feel all the pain will pay off in the end.
When I am writing it all on here.
Somehow, this Warrior Attitude is not translating to my actions. I ate within my calories yesterday and I did exercise. But I am not feelin' it.
I am simply digging deep and wadding my way through some incredibly deep muck. It's tough work. I am exhausted. I want a Mommy to take care of me!
Don't you all feel that way sometimes? Like the world would end if you weren't in it. Doing everything.
I realize I enabled myself to get here. But it is also exhausting being the "crackdown" person. Making the teenager pull her weight. Following through with discipline.
Then there's the completely oblivious boyfriend. If I say (at 9:30pm) that I am exhausted and am going to bed early, wouldn't you think he'd say "okay sweetie, get some rest. Goodnight.", and then hang up the phone? You wouldn't ignore the person's tiredness and continue to keep her on the phone for 40 minutes talking about NOTHING! Would you?
There I go enabling again. In my defense, I did try. I told him I was tired and going to bed. (We started the ritual of calling each other right before we go to bed. It started out innocently enough and only lasted long enough to actually say goodnight to one another. But it has bloomed into a long drawn out rehash of the day.) I have tried to put an end to it. But he gets all bent out of shape and tells me I don't have time for him. And ya know what? Sometimes I don't! Get a life!
I want a break. I want someone to cook, clean, budget, shop, discipline, feed cats, clean up after cats, do laundry, errand run, and work for me. I want my feet rubbed, all my meals prepared by a nutritionist and brought to me, I want to not hear the words "Jenn/Mom can You do..." for a period of at least 24 hours, AND I want to feel a sense of appreciation!
Being a *itch to everyone around me will never garner that reward.
I will plug on. I will stop looking so inward and being so utterly selfish. Selfishness never gets me what I truly want. If I look for the positives, I know I will find them. They are always there. Like a cherished gift after a rough week like this one.
I take a lot for granted.
I am blessed. I am strong. I am entitled to some venting. I deserve appreciation.
I love my little condo. My cats. The kids I care for. There is no joy like the sheer happiness one year olds display. I love my daughter. She never ceases to amaze me. I love my boyfriend. He is a good guy.
Today is Friday. I thank God! I will serve to the best of my abilities. I will find the gifts today has for me. I will be gracious.
Porcupines may have poky spikes. But they are cute!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I want everything to be calorie free. To allow me to enjoy the taste, texture, crunch or gooeyness, or volume without a care in the World. I want to be able to eat what I want, whenever I want, and how much I want.
I want to stop being a slave to a food tracker. I want to allow my mood to be what it is and not let food have a thing to do with it.
I want to socialize AND eat, drink, be merry!
I want the World to change. For me.
That's how I'm feelin'. Yup.
Food tracker, "I hate you!"
I hate your wee beady check marks. And your wee beady serving sizes.
I hate the way I feel when I want to eat more, and I do not have the calories to do so.
I hate that I sit and stew over every food commercial on TV--growing in a hatred for myself!
All 'cause I ate some stuff that wasn't the "best" choice, or because I ate too much of a "good thing".
I am not my food consumption!
I am not a slave to you--You wee little mind tricker--You!
I know the food tracker is my friend.
I know it is a great feeling to realize that I have done great for the day. I made good choices. I ate within my ranges.
I also know that I will feel that way again. Very soon. Like, tonight even.
But for now--I just needed you to know that I HATE you, you wee beady food tracker. And you do not own me!
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