Friday, April 30, 2010
I have really been a *ITCH this week. Prickly spines all over me. I am feelin' so sorry for myself in so many ways. I am also feelin' like a hypocrite.
I really do want it all. I really do feel like a prize of exquisite craftsmanship. I really do feel all the pain will pay off in the end.
When I am writing it all on here.
Somehow, this Warrior Attitude is not translating to my actions. I ate within my calories yesterday and I did exercise. But I am not feelin' it.
I am simply digging deep and wadding my way through some incredibly deep muck. It's tough work. I am exhausted. I want a Mommy to take care of me!
Don't you all feel that way sometimes? Like the world would end if you weren't in it. Doing everything.
I realize I enabled myself to get here. But it is also exhausting being the "crackdown" person. Making the teenager pull her weight. Following through with discipline.
Then there's the completely oblivious boyfriend. If I say (at 9:30pm) that I am exhausted and am going to bed early, wouldn't you think he'd say "okay sweetie, get some rest. Goodnight.", and then hang up the phone? You wouldn't ignore the person's tiredness and continue to keep her on the phone for 40 minutes talking about NOTHING! Would you?
There I go enabling again. In my defense, I did try. I told him I was tired and going to bed. (We started the ritual of calling each other right before we go to bed. It started out innocently enough and only lasted long enough to actually say goodnight to one another. But it has bloomed into a long drawn out rehash of the day.) I have tried to put an end to it. But he gets all bent out of shape and tells me I don't have time for him. And ya know what? Sometimes I don't! Get a life!
I want a break. I want someone to cook, clean, budget, shop, discipline, feed cats, clean up after cats, do laundry, errand run, and work for me. I want my feet rubbed, all my meals prepared by a nutritionist and brought to me, I want to not hear the words "Jenn/Mom can You do..." for a period of at least 24 hours, AND I want to feel a sense of appreciation!
Being a *itch to everyone around me will never garner that reward.
I will plug on. I will stop looking so inward and being so utterly selfish. Selfishness never gets me what I truly want. If I look for the positives, I know I will find them. They are always there. Like a cherished gift after a rough week like this one.
I take a lot for granted.
I am blessed. I am strong. I am entitled to some venting. I deserve appreciation.
I love my little condo. My cats. The kids I care for. There is no joy like the sheer happiness one year olds display. I love my daughter. She never ceases to amaze me. I love my boyfriend. He is a good guy.
Today is Friday. I thank God! I will serve to the best of my abilities. I will find the gifts today has for me. I will be gracious.
Porcupines may have poky spikes. But they are cute!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I want everything to be calorie free. To allow me to enjoy the taste, texture, crunch or gooeyness, or volume without a care in the World. I want to be able to eat what I want, whenever I want, and how much I want.
I want to stop being a slave to a food tracker. I want to allow my mood to be what it is and not let food have a thing to do with it.
I want to socialize AND eat, drink, be merry!
I want the World to change. For me.
That's how I'm feelin'. Yup.
Food tracker, "I hate you!"
I hate your wee beady check marks. And your wee beady serving sizes.
I hate the way I feel when I want to eat more, and I do not have the calories to do so.
I hate that I sit and stew over every food commercial on TV--growing in a hatred for myself!
All 'cause I ate some stuff that wasn't the "best" choice, or because I ate too much of a "good thing".
I am not my food consumption!
I am not a slave to you--You wee little mind tricker--You!
I know the food tracker is my friend.
I know it is a great feeling to realize that I have done great for the day. I made good choices. I ate within my ranges.
I also know that I will feel that way again. Very soon. Like, tonight even.
But for now--I just needed you to know that I HATE you, you wee beady food tracker. And you do not own me!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thanks buggirl19 for this image.
Stabbing salad has been my go to snack lately. Not that I thought of myself as stabbing it. But that is a good frustration release!!! I've just been eating salad 'cause I've had horrible stress munchies. And it is low calorie, time consuming, consumption. Crunching carrots is good too.
Push-ups are also my stress reliever. Full out, man-style, push-ups! I like to use my adrenaline to increase the most I've ever done before. Gives me a real sense of power, when I don't have control over seemingly anything.
I also do jumping jacks on the mini trampoline downstairs. Or I jog in place while Elmo's World is on for the kiddies. All good for stress relief.
I am feeling less stress over my money situation. And I am feeling good that I am doing the right stuff by not buying stuff. It is going to take a while to get back out of the hole. (slowly the hole will fill and I will see the light of day again). I am learning a lot. I am beginning to sense a thrill over saving (hoarding) money. I am also beginning to grasp the idea of the sheer sense of joy I will have when I pay for something outright without worry. Freedom is worth having. It is worth fighting for.
It's even worth it to give up some fatty, greasy, salty, crap-o-la. Just to gain a feeling of freedom from being able to walk into a store and put on (dare I say) a one digit size and KNOW it will fit. The freedom of running. The freedom of low blood pressure. The freedom of flexibility. The freedom of sexiness. The freedom of confidence!
Oh yes! Stabbing salad is F*U*N!!! And WORTH it!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I wrote that fabulous blog all about being a prize of exquisite craftsmanship, and then...
My day, my emotions, my reliance, all fell to pieces.
I ate enough sodium to fill the pacific Ocean!
I ate gooey cheese.
I had Ranch Dressing.
I felt like I was falling apart.
I yelled at my BF. (and still feel a little like doing it some more. I always take it out on the one I love.)
I did not exercise.
That was YESTERDAY!
Today. I still feel poopey. I still ate a bit too much for breakfast. I still feel like yelling at the WORLD!
I did exercise.
And I do feel a little bit better.
If I make some good choices the rest of today, I should still be in my ranges.
So, what set me off?
Danged if I really know.
I'm pretty sure I can pin it on too much month at the end of my money.
Financial issues sure do send me into a "woe-is-me" capital P, Pittyfest. I dug a hole as big as the grand canyon in debt. I am digging myself out. It is HARD! It is degrading. It feels like I am doing what I can (no cable, no magazines, no extras, no using credit at any time for anything), yet I am getting NO WHERE.
It sure does suck the esteem right out of me. And, I have no one to blame but ME. Me Me ME! I got myself into this. I have to get myself out of it.
But sometimes, I want to leave my life. I want a do over. I want some fabulous person to leave me a HUGE chunk-0-money just cause I'm so damned cute. I mean, I am. Right?
Why did I do this to myself? Why did I believe that things would fill me? Why have I believed food would satisfy me/fill me? What would it be like to be financially free? To be physically fit? To be in control? To be happy in all circumstances?
When will I know I am free?
One. Day. At. A. Time.
I am still a prize. I am cute. I will be free.
Monday, April 26, 2010
I just told tsuzanne that she is just that. A prize of exquisite craftsmanship. Worthy of being so to only the man deserving of such a prize. I truly do believe that too.
But do I swallow that for me?
How many times have I compromised myself for less than? And why? Is that all I feel is out there for me? All I deserve?
At one time I would say that I wasn't all that. I was mean, manipulative, selfish. I looked at myself through very narrow eyes.
But then I learned to look at the world around me. I learned the joy that only comes from being a giving person. The sense of self that only comes from being selfless. The fact that being on a pedestal only makes you a target. I also stopped waiting for life to happen. For changes to happen. I realized that all I have is right here, right now, and I had to make the most of it if I wanted to experience happiness, joy, love.
It's all there. Right now.
I make the most of everyday. (most of the time). I am a prize of exquisite craftsmanship. Not everyone may "get" that. That's okay. The ones that do are the ones that deserve to see it, that see it in themselves too. We are all unique. We all have talents. We all deserve to soar. And we should surround ourselves with others who feel the same way. Or, at the very least, we should try to help others soar. It's neat to see that. It makes me even more exquisite.
I believe. In me. In you.
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