Friday, March 19, 2010
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????
I know all the right reasons for doing this.
I know all the wrong reasons for doing this.
I thought I knew what I really wanted.
I do love feeling stronger.
I do love seeing smaller numbers on the scale.
I loved it yesterday when someone told me I had to buy new pants 'cause it looked like I was wearing someone else's and they are waaaaaaay to big!
But then, I did not track my eating. I did not do any "real" exercising. I did not measure or choose to eat only one helping of corned beef.
UGH! This is NOT a one day mess-up either. This has been going on since last Friday. I had derailed the train. I need to get it back on the track. But I don't seem to be able to muster the energy.
I know. I know. Baby steps. Drink my water (which, BTW, I have done at least that much). 10 minutes of strength. 10 minutes of cardio. Track the eats. I can do it!
So why don't I?
I do not really want to focus on the don't/not's. I seem to get waaaay off track that way. But it does seem to be the key factor in my getting off track and staying off track. I have a hard, hard, hard, hard, time congratulating myself. Staying focused on the positives, for myself. Rewarding myself. Somehow I can point all this out to others, but never really receive it for me.
I don't believe I deserve it. Deep down. I always remember the stuff I didn't get right. Yikes! I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I don't unconditionally love myself!
So how do I change this? This feels so deep down inside myself. Life long conditional love. Seriously, how do I make that stop?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Eat less. Move more.
10 minutes a day.
I struggle. I need some reminding. Here it goes:
Action creates momentum!
You can do this!
You are worth it!
The rewards are worth it!
A clearer mind.
What would you add?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sorry to post my status yesterday and not blog, but I was just so angry.
I went to the podiatrist, and well... Things are not good for me from a genetics standpoint. I now have a Morton's Neuroma in BOTH of my feet. This is caused by my 2nd and 3rd long bones rubbing together while walking/running and inflaming the nerve that runs between them. But this could also happen while standing and just existing--walking is just what happened to aggravate my nerve/bone connection. I feel pain and then numbness while walking that goes away after rest.
The podiatrist wanted me to go through a 2nd course of cortisone injections (I went through this last year) at a 4 injection round costing me $179.00 per round out of pocket. My next option was to inject the nerve with a chemical that would ultimately deaden the nerve (forever) that would cost me twice as much per injection and I would have to get 7 injections. Or, I can have the nuroma cut out at an astronomical price. (For those who don't know, I am self-employed and make below the poverty level in income. I pay for my own insurance, which covers very little at a high deductible, but I am not eligible for medicaid because I am self-employed).
None of these options have a 100% recovery/no recurrence rate. The best rate was 85%.
At this time I only feel pain/numbness while walking/running and it is something I can live with. I may inflame the area so much that it hurts all the time, but until then...
After much sulking and pity partying, I am feeling a bit better about the situation today. I am going to do some more digging about this condition and about treatment options (ie. other doctors, maybe seek advice from an orthopedist or a neurologist).
I am also going to continue walking mixed with a little running. I asked about permanent damage--but the doctor had nothing to say about it. She said that she doesn't see the patients who opt to do nothing, so she can't speak about that. (Ugh! That pissed me off!) She also said that she is not a runner and does not recommend taking up running to people over the age of 35 (I am 39) because we "are susceptible to more injury and fracture". She feels that power walking is just as good of a cardio workout and much better on the body.
I figure the treatment options include permanently damaging the nerve, so I can't really do any harm. I just may get to a point where the pain is unbearable. And then I have options.
I really, really, really really wish I hadn't been born with this. I really, really, really wish I could wave a magic wand and make my bones stop rubbing against each other.
I WILL still run for Esme. I WILL run when I want. I WILL keep walking for fitness sprinkled with running. (I will rest and not push hard). I feel too good to give it up!!!
(and I may buy a new bicycle...)
I do believe in miracles! I do believe in miracles! I do believe in miracles!
Friday, March 12, 2010
The church I am involved in/with is currently doing an "all church journey" about being Free. We are finding out what we are in bondage to; and how or what freedom feels like.
Some of the things I have discovered about myself have been quite revealing. I have fears with trusting people with my inner most "stuff". I am very afraid of being hurt. Yet, I crave love. In my mind, I have twisted love to equal hurt and pain; which is why I don't let many people "in".
One thing I have learned (or re-learned) is that perfect love does not hurt. Which is why, I believe, we are drawn to it. Why we crave it. Why we long for it. But then it gets all twisted because perfect love is so hard to comprehend. Can we really be loved for just existing? Not for our appearance. Not for our deeds. Not for our abilities. Unconditionally.
Can we love others like that? Do we?
Then there is worry and anxiety. They often creep into my mind and take over. Where does this come from? One thing I know is that all humans succumb to this kind of negative self talk. It is something that can permeate all living beings. Scary stuff. Evil. So how does one combat evil?
One passage (bear with me non-believers) says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." I take this to mean that we have to step back from this negative understanding and seek truths. No, we are not failures. No, we do not always do the wrong thing. No, "no one loves me". No, we are not ugly. Yes, we make mistakes. Yes, we learn from them. Yes, sometimes our perceptions are skewed. Yes, we have bad days. Yes, we have good things happen. Yes, we are loved.
Looking for Truth and shunning evil will "bring health to our bodies and nourishment to our bones."
Truth in all matters will set you free. Not allowing the negative thoughts to become truth will set you free. Being free is not being enslaved to anything but truth. Freedom is not a feeling. Just because something feels good, does not mean we are not in bondage to it. (So stand behind me Girl Scout Cookies!!!--LOL!)
Initially doing right may feel wrong or uncomfortable (ie. exercise, healthy eating and cooking), but will eventually seep into your fibers as a feeling of freedom because you did/thought the right thing.
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