Monday, February 22, 2010
I'm not there yet. Not even close. I probably should be blogging about how to keep motivated and on track during the hibernation months. But I'm not
I'm writing about how maintenance scares the poop out of me! I have "maintained" 20-25 pounds gone for about 2 months now. Woo Hoo! But it scares the poop out of me that I could easily gain it all back. It is HARD!
I lost the 20 pounds in 08 and gained and them lost them again in 09. I do not want to be on a roller coaster! I want to be on a steady journey.
Steady Journey... That's an oxymoron, isn't it? No such thing.
I was talking with a volleyball team mate of mine, who has lost a great deal of weight, about the difference between skinny people and fat or formerly fat people. He said, we are always thinking about food. The calories, if it fits in our day, have we done enough exercise to even it out, is it worth it, etc. I said the difference between me and skinny people is: They learned how not to stuff their emotions! They have a built in system of dealing with stress/emotions that does not involve food. (at least most of them, I'm not talking about anorexics here).
He nodded and realized that I may be on to something. Naturally skinny people do not obsess about food, sure that's true. But they also never had to. They already eat and exercise appropriately.
Will this happen to me? Or, will I always struggle with doing the right thing emotionally? Exercise does feel good. But sometimes it's hard to do it. Will there be a time when it just clicks? Or, will this always be a roller coaster?
I really am okay with the journey. I love the people I've met and the ones I'm about to. I love what I've learned. I love that I have knowledge to pass on. But I'm scared too. It's weird to be in the place i am...scared to gain and a bit scared to lose. I mean, who will I be when I am a weight I don't EVER remember being? What weight is good for me? What will be comfortable for me to maintain. Will I like "skinny" me. I like me now. I just need some tweaking. Is that okay?
Yep. I'm a freak this morning. Make the noise in my head STOP!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I am a human. I am full of flaws, mistakes, set backs. I am also full of victories, insights, and love.
Winter is kicking my mental butt right now. The scale hasn't moved. Not really. I keep fluctuating within a 5 pound range. It's like I am in hibernation. Power to those of you who are losing at this time of year. Even more power to you if you are doing it without a gym membership, a home exercise machine of some sort, and those that are working full time. You have my complete admiration.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of spiritual/emotional "working out". I have been tapping into some really deep hurts and ending up feeling a whole lot lighter. (even if the scale doesn't reflect it). As a matter of fact, this could also be why my stomach is a little wonky this morning. I tend to reflect emotional yuckyness as intestinal distress. (the greasy pizza I ate doesn't help either; and the hard core workout I did 2 days ago-I am so sore). I've got some more digging to do. I've been feeling the urge to break out the art supplies and see what comes out on paper. I think I'll set aside some time today to do just that.
If you are at a stand still on the scale--don't underestimate the inner work you are doing. I do believe it will help me leaps and bounds when my emotional and physical stuff come to an agreement. I'm in a vulnerable place. It is scary. But it is also so lifting. I'm excited to see where all this brings me.
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
And take that first step in to the darkness of the unknown
You must believe one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly"
"Working WITH the hard parts and not against them-will create movement." -SARK
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I have no energy today! I guess it's the jelly doughnuts I ate for breakfast. (Paczki) It is Fat Tuesday after all. The kids are in the back sledding, and i am keeping an eye on them, but feeling a bit guilty for not actually being out with them. But I don't feel like getting all wet and cold! Again! My arms are tired from shoveling. Boo Hiss. Boo Waa! What a whiner I am.
I have to go get my teeth cleaned tonight. I don't want to smooch my hair in a hat and have to try and fix it to look human for the public. Yep! That's my excuse. And I'm stickin' to it.
I will get some cleaning done (already have done some). I did shovel this morning. I really need a treadmill on days like this. I really LOVE walking for fitness. I love the way it makes me feel. And nothing quite compares.
Okay, so this blog is like a Seinfeld episode--about nothing! Hope everyone else is having a high energy, exciting Mardi Gras!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
So, I am a mindless eater. I eat in front of the TV.
BREAKFAST: I enjoy getting to watch a few minutes of the morning news while sipping coffee. I fear I will never know what's going on in the world if I don't multitask. It also gives me an excuse to have the kids go play and entertain themselves first thing in the am. Generally coffee is had while in front of the boob tube. Actual breakfast will come later and it's a crap shoot whether it is consumed on the fly, at a table, or in front of said TV.
LUNCH: Now if it's a weekday--it's at the table with children ranging in age from 10 months to 5 years. It depends on the day. If kids 18months and under are here--I spend my time aiding the hand-eye coordination of the children, not me. My lunch will be scarfed when they are finishing theirs. If it's older kids, I could mark lunch as an all out cardio exercise. No matter how much I think ahead, I will still be required to get up from the table and get something for someone no less than 3 times over the course of said lunch.
DINNER: I push this event off as late as possible to stave off the evening munchies. This meal is not always consumed while watching TV. Sometimes I can make my 12 year old daughter sit with me and enjoy a meal together. She hates just about every food known to man, which makes the making of a 'pleasant dinner' nearly impossible. But it does sometimes occur. I simply have to make tacos, PBJ, cheese burgers (with an actual bun or its no good!)or grilled cheese. Sure this limits my calories for the 2 aforementioned meals, but a "family" dinner is a family dinner.
I wanted to throw in a comment about the pictures in the book. And tie this in with some thoughts about The Biggest Loser.
I have been watching the newest BL (couples) and was never so happy to see Melissa go home! I am happy to see that she kept up the program and has continued to lose--but PUH-LEASE give me a break about her lose/gain issues on BL!!! I just found her to be in such denial.
Okay. As I was looking through the pictures in the book (The Spark) of the before/after looks. I remembered thinking how the Pink Team (BL) never seems to look different to me week after week. Other contestants look very different-but to me , they do not. Then I realized that I do not accept that I am different either. I have lost 25 pounds, but still think I look the same as always. (but when I was 25 pounds heavier, I felt like I looked when I was 25 pounds lighter).
Isn't this weird? Do I have a magic mirror? Can we say distortion?
I then suddenly remembered a dress that I have hanging in the waaaaay back of my closet. The last time I remember tying on this dress I couldn't even get it past my hips! Let alone attempt a zipper closure. (I can't believe I forgot I own this dress)
The last time I remember fitting into this dress, I had not even conceived the aforementioned 12 year old. I do know that I weighed about what I am weighing in at now.
I ran upstairs, found the dress, and with much trepidation--tried it on. It went past my hips! The arms slipped on through! Then the zipper test. OMG! Could it be?
I'll post pictures later. I want to do my hair and makeup and have my BF take this picture! For now, imagine Jessica Rabbit sexiness. I hope it will translate in photo...
Still feeling the joy of fitting into a dress I haven't worn in nearly 13 years! But still not sure I feel the difference. I know I am thinner. But I still think FAT. I have always thought FAT.
I started a group where we would blog about a new body part to love each week. I know that this task transformed me. I feel a whole lot better about what I see in the mirror or in photos. I appreciate my body for what it is. But I just wonder if I will ever think myself THIN? Will I always love the FAT girl? Or will the FAT girl eventually turn into a pleasingly sized woman?
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