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Maintenance scares the poop out of me

Monday, February 22, 2010

I'm not there yet. Not even close. I probably should be blogging about how to keep motivated and on track during the hibernation months. But I'm not

I'm writing about how maintenance scares the poop out of me! I have "maintained" 20-25 pounds gone for about 2 months now. Woo Hoo! But it scares the poop out of me that I could easily gain it all back. It is HARD!

I lost the 20 pounds in 08 and gained and them lost them again in 09. I do not want to be on a roller coaster! I want to be on a steady journey.

Steady Journey... That's an oxymoron, isn't it? No such thing.

I was talking with a volleyball team mate of mine, who has lost a great deal of weight, about the difference between skinny people and fat or formerly fat people. He said, we are always thinking about food. The calories, if it fits in our day, have we done enough exercise to even it out, is it worth it, etc. I said the difference between me and skinny people is: They learned how not to stuff their emotions! They have a built in system of dealing with stress/emotions that does not involve food. (at least most of them, I'm not talking about anorexics here).

He nodded and realized that I may be on to something. Naturally skinny people do not obsess about food, sure that's true. But they also never had to. They already eat and exercise appropriately.

Will this happen to me? Or, will I always struggle with doing the right thing emotionally? Exercise does feel good. But sometimes it's hard to do it. Will there be a time when it just clicks? Or, will this always be a roller coaster?

I really am okay with the journey. I love the people I've met and the ones I'm about to. I love what I've learned. I love that I have knowledge to pass on. But I'm scared too. It's weird to be in the place i am...scared to gain and a bit scared to lose. I mean, who will I be when I am a weight I don't EVER remember being? What weight is good for me? What will be comfortable for me to maintain. Will I like "skinny" me. I like me now. I just need some tweaking. Is that okay?

Yep. I'm a freak this morning. Make the noise in my head STOP!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOAN_HEO 8/12/2010 8:29AM

    I am right there with you! I too am sick of the roller coaster!

I believe Sparksters will help us both!

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ULVUND50 2/28/2010 11:12PM

    With SparkPeople's support, you will learn to effectively maintain. Continue to diligently track your nutrition and fitness. Increase your physical activity a bit to compensate for the increased nutrition allowances.

You will want to continue to succeed because you realize how very good that feels. You now have more energy and confidence that you possibly imagined. You have become healthy. Those results are very important 'commodities'.

emoticon Congratulations!

Comment edited on: 2/28/2010 11:12:39 PM

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MOOREY 2/23/2010 11:15AM

    I believe it is everyones fear. It is not easy to maintain. It is Easier to lose the weight. Life will throw you those curves but you have already made the choice and taken the steps to live a healthy lifestyle. You can do it will prevail. I have been in the 130's for 11 years now and if I can do it anyone can.

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MEL_UNRAU 2/23/2010 9:38AM

    It scares the crap out of me too! I am so close to my goal weight and actually may be done losing weight (I am at the point where I have to let my body decide if I have any more to go... since I am at my "medically ideal weight"). So, in theory, I should be switching to maintenance mode. But, I can't do it. I tried a few weeks ago and zip... up the scale went! Personally, I know that this is going to be a life long struggle for me, of consistently making good decisions to be healthy for a lifetime. For now... I am treating this time, just like the rest of my journey. I will work out, make good food choices, obsess a little bit about what I eat and my work outs... and eventually, I hope that I can just skip that last part... the obsessing!

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LISANANCY 2/23/2010 8:56AM

    Don't forget one thing you DESERVE to have a fit and healthy body. You deserve this because you love your new self. Just keep going emoticon

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REMODELINGPAT 2/22/2010 7:33PM

    Success is a very scary concept...I've kept my slim self (yes, she's in there somewhere; I was even THIN in high school!) hidden for so long that she's going to need coaxing out in the open, and persuading to stay out! (I keep running into seductive goodies that woo me with their line..."Just one bite won't hurt..." But that one bite often leads to another and even if it's HEALTHY food, too much food is too much food!

We CAN make it to goal, and we CAN establish a successful maintenance program...after all, it's the rest of our lives that we're talking about! emoticon

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BUTTERCUP76 2/22/2010 6:03PM

    WOW, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts!
I have been struggling lately and this was right up my alley!
I actually fell really hard from the wagon over the weekend and went right back into my old habits, and boy did I pay for it. since Friday I gained 2.4 pounds and I'm sure it is 110% pure Fat!!!
I ate so bad and did little to NO exercise! Shame on me! Well I picked myself back up this morning and got back up on that wagon. I plan to be really good all week (except for yummy Olive Garden on Saturday, he he he!)
I am gonna focus on maintenance for a few weeks till I can shake the hibernation stage, and if I lose some pounds it will be a bonus!

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DISNEYSMOM 2/22/2010 12:10PM

    Its completely terrifying and I think that's why a lot of us get hung up after losing a certain amount of weight. We're afraid that we are going to somehow change when our weight changes, or conversely that we won't change when the weight is gone. I know that is a fear that I have in the back of my mind. But in order to be successful we have to push past that fear and move out of our comfort zones... emoticon

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TIMEFORVACATION 2/22/2010 11:35AM

    I've been scared to lose too....but I can't figure out why either. I keep feel resistance in myself when I should be gaining momentum. ARG confusing

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TIMEFORVACATION 2/22/2010 11:30AM

    I thought of you the whole time while at service Sat night because you've already started on your FREE journey and have done a lot of work to be free. I think this journey will help things click for you....I know it! Are you in a small group? Hope so!!!! We need to be FREE!!!

Comment edited on: 2/22/2010 11:32:42 AM

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LIMELITESHINES 2/22/2010 10:46AM

    it scares me too. And mine isn't just 25 lbs. :D But you know what? We have to keep looking at it like we look at our weight loss. One day at a time. Yes, we will go back up again . . but we have to have checks and measures in place so we catch it before it gets out of control. Because it's not like we're going to turn everything we've learned off when we are done. :) Nope! It'll be just another day on our journey. :)

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MOMMY_IN_MOTION 2/22/2010 10:43AM

    You are not alone! I am terrified of maintaining too. You would think that after over a year of maintaining in the 130's I would have gotten used to it. But I still find myself making moves back towards my unhealthy habits on the weekends or during times of stress- so maintaining doesn't feel like habit yet.

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You know what I am?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I am a human. I am full of flaws, mistakes, set backs. I am also full of victories, insights, and love.

Winter is kicking my mental butt right now. The scale hasn't moved. Not really. I keep fluctuating within a 5 pound range. It's like I am in hibernation. Power to those of you who are losing at this time of year. Even more power to you if you are doing it without a gym membership, a home exercise machine of some sort, and those that are working full time. You have my complete admiration.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of spiritual/emotional "working out". I have been tapping into some really deep hurts and ending up feeling a whole lot lighter. (even if the scale doesn't reflect it). As a matter of fact, this could also be why my stomach is a little wonky this morning. I tend to reflect emotional yuckyness as intestinal distress. (the greasy pizza I ate doesn't help either; and the hard core workout I did 2 days ago-I am so sore). I've got some more digging to do. I've been feeling the urge to break out the art supplies and see what comes out on paper. I think I'll set aside some time today to do just that.

If you are at a stand still on the scale--don't underestimate the inner work you are doing. I do believe it will help me leaps and bounds when my emotional and physical stuff come to an agreement. I'm in a vulnerable place. It is scary. But it is also so lifting. I'm excited to see where all this brings me.

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
And take that first step in to the darkness of the unknown
You must believe one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly"
-Patrick Overton

"Working WITH the hard parts and not against them-will create movement." -SARK

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMMY_IN_MOTION 2/21/2010 11:59AM

    Wonderful post! When looking at the big picture of overall health and well-being- those mental and spiritual workouts are JUST as important as the physical ones. You are on the right path!

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TIMEFORVACATION 2/18/2010 2:44PM

    you gave me the chills....deep deep

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HOLLYSNOWWOMAN 2/17/2010 1:39PM

    You are so right. It just shows it is what is on the inside that counts. We need to give ourselves a break sometimes.

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DISNEYSMOM 2/17/2010 12:52PM

    The mental part is so essential to this journey in my opinion. I think it works hand in hand with the physical part. Youw will see amazing things when they come together!

PS I love the Overton quote too!

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MMEQUEEN 2/17/2010 12:00PM

    What a great positive approach!! Thanks for posting this!

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BUTTERCUP76 2/17/2010 11:52AM

    I really am starting to believe in the whole hibernating thing, cause I think that has been my problem. Spring is coming and we can push past it. (I hope) LOL
Have fun today with the art, I really need to make some art time too.
Have a good one!

I am still not working on Fridays, what do you usually do on Fridays? Are you busy? I could drive down maybe next week? let me know what works for you if not I don't think I have anything going on Saturday the 27th.


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DAISY_DYNAMITE 2/17/2010 11:24AM

    Man, did you tap into my brain to write this blog? GEEZ. Crazy psychic!
emoticon


Our weight isn't just about food. So many things brought us to where we are and where we are going. I'm glad to hear you reflect on the internal stuff because that is what I've noticed the most lately, too. And I haven't lost any weight for a few months.

This blog reminded me that that's okay. Thank you.

emoticon

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DIXIED88 2/17/2010 10:53AM

    Very deep, Jen! I'm proud of you! As hard as it is to work on our outsides, it's even tougher to dig up stuff on the inside. Good luck and keep your chin up. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IRIE_KEY 2/17/2010 10:08AM

    I LOVE the Overton quote. Sounds like you are in a really great place even if the scale isn't moving. What an exciting journey of self discovery.
Hugs.
Eileen

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Blah-didity-Blah Blah

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I have no energy today! I guess it's the jelly doughnuts I ate for breakfast. (Paczki) It is Fat Tuesday after all. The kids are in the back sledding, and i am keeping an eye on them, but feeling a bit guilty for not actually being out with them. But I don't feel like getting all wet and cold! Again! My arms are tired from shoveling. Boo Hiss. Boo Waa! What a whiner I am.

I have to go get my teeth cleaned tonight. I don't want to smooch my hair in a hat and have to try and fix it to look human for the public. Yep! That's my excuse. And I'm stickin' to it.

I will get some cleaning done (already have done some). I did shovel this morning. I really need a treadmill on days like this. I really LOVE walking for fitness. I love the way it makes me feel. And nothing quite compares.

Okay, so this blog is like a Seinfeld episode--about nothing! Hope everyone else is having a high energy, exciting Mardi Gras!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIMEFORVACATION 2/17/2010 9:37AM

    Hi, checking in on you to see how you're doing. I'm ready to celebrate your next 20 lbs....and my (whatever I can lose) so start thinking about what you'd like to do. Comedy club or karaoke maybe....something fun. I'm tired of the cold too so something fun and inside. Maybe find a hotel with a pool and take all our kids swimming all night!

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LARSIL 2/16/2010 8:39PM

    Yay, Paczki! Let's hear it for beignets (French), pancakes (English), Fastnachts (German), and other traditions for this day, too!

Happy Mardi Gras!

---LarSil emoticon

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Sexy dress and a Love Letter to Myself

Friday, February 12, 2010

EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME
THE SUN NEVER SAYS TO THE EARTH
YOU OWE ME.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENS
WITH A LOVE LIKE THAT
IT LIGHTS THE WHOLE SKY. -Hafiz

I got all dolled up and made my daughter take pictures of me in the dress I wrote about yesterday. (and Bugggirl's foot tapping was driving me CRAZY)






I put this one in just to show you my reward lipstick.

Now, my Love Letter:

Dear Jenn,

Hey! I hear fantastic things are happening in your life. You have so much strength and courage! You are making good decisions-ones that are the best for you. You are so full of love and forgiveness-I really admire you for that. it is so great that you are figuring out what is a value to you in your life. You are learning new and better ways to stand up those values without being judgmental. You have learned that it is okay to be frustrated and you learned to walk away from or push through those frustrations. You are handling everything so well-I am so proud of you! It always amazes and fills me with admiration how big your heart is and how strong you really are.
It's great to see you nurturing your soul by setting aside time for yourself. You also seem to find ways to be present in the moment-to drink in the world around you-to be thankful and to bless that world. You work hard to be a better person and that work really pays off. Your world is better now than ever and you are a bright, loving, strong, beautiful person. I'm so glad to know you in my life-You make me shine!
Love, Jenn


***Sorry the pictures are sideways. I'll have to figure out how to correct that!***

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DRJJ2004 2/18/2010 7:56AM

    You look fabbbbbbbbulousssssssssss!!! Love the letter!! What a great idea.

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MAMAEAGLE 2/12/2010 4:31PM

    You look awesome!!!

I have to agree, Jessica Rabbit sexy!

emoticon

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TIMEFORVACATION 2/12/2010 3:55PM

    wowzaaaa again

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DIXIED88 2/12/2010 1:25PM

    Wow!! Jennifer Rabbit is right! Patty cake? emoticon emoticon

I really like that letter too. That's what you wrote to yourself in the past, right? That's really sweet and spot on too! Good job past you and present you!!

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JUSTMISHY 2/12/2010 12:16PM

    Va va voom! You look marvelous! The significant other must be quite appreciative.
More importantly though is the letter. The dress would only be a dress without your confidence, self acceptance and love shining through. So really, it's not about the sexy dress, but about sexy attitude Jenn. You go girl! emoticon

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Ch. 7 Mindless eating/the elusive pleasant meal/vision issues

Thursday, February 11, 2010

So, I am a mindless eater. I eat in front of the TV.

BREAKFAST: I enjoy getting to watch a few minutes of the morning news while sipping coffee. I fear I will never know what's going on in the world if I don't multitask. It also gives me an excuse to have the kids go play and entertain themselves first thing in the am. Generally coffee is had while in front of the boob tube. Actual breakfast will come later and it's a crap shoot whether it is consumed on the fly, at a table, or in front of said TV.

LUNCH: Now if it's a weekday--it's at the table with children ranging in age from 10 months to 5 years. It depends on the day. If kids 18months and under are here--I spend my time aiding the hand-eye coordination of the children, not me. My lunch will be scarfed when they are finishing theirs. If it's older kids, I could mark lunch as an all out cardio exercise. No matter how much I think ahead, I will still be required to get up from the table and get something for someone no less than 3 times over the course of said lunch.

DINNER: I push this event off as late as possible to stave off the evening munchies. This meal is not always consumed while watching TV. Sometimes I can make my 12 year old daughter sit with me and enjoy a meal together. She hates just about every food known to man, which makes the making of a 'pleasant dinner' nearly impossible. But it does sometimes occur. I simply have to make tacos, PBJ, cheese burgers (with an actual bun or its no good!)or grilled cheese. Sure this limits my calories for the 2 aforementioned meals, but a "family" dinner is a family dinner.

NEXT SUBJECT:

I wanted to throw in a comment about the pictures in the book. And tie this in with some thoughts about The Biggest Loser.

I have been watching the newest BL (couples) and was never so happy to see Melissa go home! I am happy to see that she kept up the program and has continued to lose--but PUH-LEASE give me a break about her lose/gain issues on BL!!! I just found her to be in such denial.

Okay. As I was looking through the pictures in the book (The Spark) of the before/after looks. I remembered thinking how the Pink Team (BL) never seems to look different to me week after week. Other contestants look very different-but to me , they do not. Then I realized that I do not accept that I am different either. I have lost 25 pounds, but still think I look the same as always. (but when I was 25 pounds heavier, I felt like I looked when I was 25 pounds lighter).

Isn't this weird? Do I have a magic mirror? Can we say distortion?

I then suddenly remembered a dress that I have hanging in the waaaaay back of my closet. The last time I remember tying on this dress I couldn't even get it past my hips! Let alone attempt a zipper closure. (I can't believe I forgot I own this dress)

The last time I remember fitting into this dress, I had not even conceived the aforementioned 12 year old. I do know that I weighed about what I am weighing in at now.

I ran upstairs, found the dress, and with much trepidation--tried it on. It went past my hips! The arms slipped on through! Then the zipper test. OMG! Could it be?

It zipped!

I'll post pictures later. I want to do my hair and makeup and have my BF take this picture! For now, imagine Jessica Rabbit sexiness. I hope it will translate in photo...

Still feeling the joy of fitting into a dress I haven't worn in nearly 13 years! But still not sure I feel the difference. I know I am thinner. But I still think FAT. I have always thought FAT.

I started a group where we would blog about a new body part to love each week. I know that this task transformed me. I feel a whole lot better about what I see in the mirror or in photos. I appreciate my body for what it is. But I just wonder if I will ever think myself THIN? Will I always love the FAT girl? Or will the FAT girl eventually turn into a pleasingly sized woman?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

26M8J7 2/15/2010 12:58PM

    I can really relate to this. Congratulations on getting into the dress.

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TIMEFORVACATION 2/12/2010 3:53PM

    a friend of mine that I worked with at AAA said the same thing. No matter how much weight she lost or how great everyone said she looked she always looked fat to herself. When she dreamed at night she was a fat person, dressing, eating, whatever she always had the perception that she was fat. So Sad because she wasn't even chubby. She is very beautiful. She had been over weight years earlier and never could shake that image of herself. How do we woman get over this?

Comment edited on: 2/12/2010 3:57:11 PM

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MEGSFITNESS 2/11/2010 5:34PM

    I think that you might benefit from reading the book Jemima J.

Other than that, loving yourself no matter what you weigh is going to be the key to lasting happiness :) You won't love yourself at a size 2 if you can't love yourself at a size 20.
Good luck

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LAVENDERLILY 2/11/2010 5:07PM

    Being alone everyday, all day, I enjoy watching TV while I eat breakfast and lunch. It is entertaining for me.
I have always been considered tall and thin. It is only the past two years that I have felt the need to lose a few pounds. Even my doctor doesn't consider me overweight, but I know when I feel best. So THINK THIN!
emoticon

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DIXIED88 2/11/2010 3:57PM

    Confession: We always eat in front of the tv too. LO has a little table in the living room and we just eat on the couches. Our table houses our HUGE (like cook a turkey in it) microwave. I don't think I could get anything done if I don't do at least two things at once.

So glad to see Melissa go home too! Her drama annoyed the crap outta me. Pink team looks the same to me too! Wow, we are a little too alike! LOL

emoticon emoticon emoticon on getting the dress on. I'm waiting not so patiently for pics! ~taps foot~

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MAMAEAGLE 2/11/2010 2:59PM

    Keep thinking thin, it is YOU! I have a hard time too with the sitting down at the table and keeping the whole family happy, here it's the guys that can't stand anything healthy. I sometimes cook something while they order pizza or have drive thru, me and the girls actually like the salad and chicken rather than the grease. (ok, I'm getting off track here)

I love that you got back into the dress, I can't wait to see pics of the on-her-way-to-thin girl that I know is right there and you just haven't figured it out yet, but one day, you will see her looking at you in that mirror, I promise.

~Hugs, Maggie


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DISNEYSMOM 2/11/2010 2:56PM

    First off, congratulations on fitting into the dress! That is awesome! Before my "hiatus" I had lost almost 15 lbs and people were telling me how much they noticed and how much better I was looking, but I didn't see anything different in the mirror. This time around, I am down about 8 lbs so far, and no, I don't see any difference. I wonder as well, if I will be able to see a difference when I've lost 25, 40, even my entire 80 lbs. Or if I will still see my current image of myself in the mirror...

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