Thursday, February 25, 2010
When you were a little baby, God outfitted you with some perfectly made fat pads. They were all over your body. They were there to protect you: From crawling over rough terrain; Being bounced on some big knees, From falling when you learned to walk. As you grew more confident in your bi-pedal habits, you lost that fabulous layer of fat.
When you were a young girl, your Mom said you'd never be a ballerina because you do not have the body for it. You found yourself hurt by this.
When you started blossoming, as girls do, some mean boys teased your body and pointed out how asymmetrical it looked.
After your "first love" dumped you for someone "more endowed"; you were really hurt and began your first unhealthy relationship with food. You lost a ton of weight. You started to get noticed by young men. You felt very vulnerable and uncomfortable. You began phase two of unhealthy relationship with food. You gained weight.
Eventually, you let love into your life again. But the damage had been done. You believed that no one could love your flawed body. Your flawed self. You never really let your husband "in". The relationship was doomed before it began. It ended.
You stopped believing anyone else was going to save you. You stared to realize that the fat you put on your body was not protecting you--but hurting you--from the inside out. You started working on this problem. You started to get healthy. Your mind. Your spirit. Your emotions.
You started to feel less vulnerable and wanted to get the fat of your body. You started working on that. You felt even better. You let someone new into your life.
You freaked. You gained back some weight. But you didn't run! You fought for yourself. You got back on the right path--and you brought him with you! You are so much healthier now.
You realized your Mom wasn't really saying your body was ugly or wrong--you later learned she was stressed and the family didn't have the money to pay for lessons, nor did your Mom have the energy to drive you around.
You are still friends with every single one of those boys who teased you. You realized that in "boy world" they were teasing you because they actually liked you. Today, they are all fine examples of loving men to their wives. You'd like to think that you had a hand at that gentile manliness they express. You grew up with those boys. You taught them a whole lot about girls and they taught you a whole lot about boys. I know I learned how a lady is to be treated, ironically enough, from them (they are old school gentlemen who bring flowers on dates, open doors, offer a hand, and walk a girl to her door at night--I loved being "in the know" of their dating lives).
You healed your relationship with your ex-husband. And you know that you were never meant to be together in the first place. You feel the same about that "first love" too.
Lately you've unearthed a whole new can of beans. But you are doing beautifully handling your emotions. You are not perfect, but you never fully give up anymore either.
You GET IT! You are moving in the right direction. You are lighter. You are love.
Thanks for being you.
All my love,
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
For 10 minutes a day I can:
make a healthy meal/snack
write a blog
paint my nails
tell myself I am worth it
do a Quick Fire challenge
ask for help
balance a check book
pick up some clutter
and so on and so on...
Just 10 minutes a day can transform my life.
Monday, February 22, 2010
I'm not there yet. Not even close. I probably should be blogging about how to keep motivated and on track during the hibernation months. But I'm not
I'm writing about how maintenance scares the poop out of me! I have "maintained" 20-25 pounds gone for about 2 months now. Woo Hoo! But it scares the poop out of me that I could easily gain it all back. It is HARD!
I lost the 20 pounds in 08 and gained and them lost them again in 09. I do not want to be on a roller coaster! I want to be on a steady journey.
Steady Journey... That's an oxymoron, isn't it? No such thing.
I was talking with a volleyball team mate of mine, who has lost a great deal of weight, about the difference between skinny people and fat or formerly fat people. He said, we are always thinking about food. The calories, if it fits in our day, have we done enough exercise to even it out, is it worth it, etc. I said the difference between me and skinny people is: They learned how not to stuff their emotions! They have a built in system of dealing with stress/emotions that does not involve food. (at least most of them, I'm not talking about anorexics here).
He nodded and realized that I may be on to something. Naturally skinny people do not obsess about food, sure that's true. But they also never had to. They already eat and exercise appropriately.
Will this happen to me? Or, will I always struggle with doing the right thing emotionally? Exercise does feel good. But sometimes it's hard to do it. Will there be a time when it just clicks? Or, will this always be a roller coaster?
I really am okay with the journey. I love the people I've met and the ones I'm about to. I love what I've learned. I love that I have knowledge to pass on. But I'm scared too. It's weird to be in the place i am...scared to gain and a bit scared to lose. I mean, who will I be when I am a weight I don't EVER remember being? What weight is good for me? What will be comfortable for me to maintain. Will I like "skinny" me. I like me now. I just need some tweaking. Is that okay?
Yep. I'm a freak this morning. Make the noise in my head STOP!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I am a human. I am full of flaws, mistakes, set backs. I am also full of victories, insights, and love.
Winter is kicking my mental butt right now. The scale hasn't moved. Not really. I keep fluctuating within a 5 pound range. It's like I am in hibernation. Power to those of you who are losing at this time of year. Even more power to you if you are doing it without a gym membership, a home exercise machine of some sort, and those that are working full time. You have my complete admiration.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of spiritual/emotional "working out". I have been tapping into some really deep hurts and ending up feeling a whole lot lighter. (even if the scale doesn't reflect it). As a matter of fact, this could also be why my stomach is a little wonky this morning. I tend to reflect emotional yuckyness as intestinal distress. (the greasy pizza I ate doesn't help either; and the hard core workout I did 2 days ago-I am so sore). I've got some more digging to do. I've been feeling the urge to break out the art supplies and see what comes out on paper. I think I'll set aside some time today to do just that.
If you are at a stand still on the scale--don't underestimate the inner work you are doing. I do believe it will help me leaps and bounds when my emotional and physical stuff come to an agreement. I'm in a vulnerable place. It is scary. But it is also so lifting. I'm excited to see where all this brings me.
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
And take that first step in to the darkness of the unknown
You must believe one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly"
"Working WITH the hard parts and not against them-will create movement." -SARK
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I have no energy today! I guess it's the jelly doughnuts I ate for breakfast. (Paczki) It is Fat Tuesday after all. The kids are in the back sledding, and i am keeping an eye on them, but feeling a bit guilty for not actually being out with them. But I don't feel like getting all wet and cold! Again! My arms are tired from shoveling. Boo Hiss. Boo Waa! What a whiner I am.
I have to go get my teeth cleaned tonight. I don't want to smooch my hair in a hat and have to try and fix it to look human for the public. Yep! That's my excuse. And I'm stickin' to it.
I will get some cleaning done (already have done some). I did shovel this morning. I really need a treadmill on days like this. I really LOVE walking for fitness. I love the way it makes me feel. And nothing quite compares.
Okay, so this blog is like a Seinfeld episode--about nothing! Hope everyone else is having a high energy, exciting Mardi Gras!
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