Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The changes I am looking to face over the next 2-3 years are fairly monumental. I will be changing jobs, going to school, getting a daughter in high school, losing 40ish more pounds, possibly getting married, and possibly moving. Nothing much. Piece of cake, right?
Those are just the things I know are coming. As we all know, life has a funny way of jumping to attention and throwing some doozies in the mix.
How do we deal with it all?
Well, in the past, I have been crushed and paralyzed with fear. I have brought life to a screeching halt. And by doing so, I developed a tumor in my foot. I fell into depression. I became isolated.
I also fought my way out of depression. I took down the wall brick by brick until I reached the keystone--which brought the whole thing to a tumbling fall. The wall fell, not me. I stood tall. I stepped over that wall. I CRUSHED THE WALL!
The keystone, for me, was realizing that nothing in my world "just happens". I play a role in setting up my life. I don't control everything-but I do control how I re-act. I control my emotions and actions. NO ONE can make me feel anything! It is a choice I make.
I still can find myself in a "victim" mentality. The "woa is me" "the world is against me" crap. But I can't allow myself to live there. I won't allow it. My friends won't allow it. And, quite frankly, it feels good to take ownership of my life. To stand in truth is to stand in freedom.
I like to test myself. To challenge myself. To stretch. It is scary. But the feeling of accomplishing something I may never even have known I wanted to conquer is so utterly empowering. I may just be a addict. I want that feeling again. And again. And again.
School is a "safe place" for me-sort-of. I feel confident that I will do well, most of the time. My fears are about time management. Knowing is half the battle. I've been there before (worked and went to school) It all worked out. I can legally put the letters LMT after my name.
Picking schools for my kid, marriage and moving are total "poop my pants" scary! These are things that affect others, not just me! This is where "making aggressive mistakes" comes into play. I have to push past fear, make a decision, and then make a new decision if something isn't working. I refuse to get another divorce (so I'm not talking about making the choice to un-do a marriage). It's more like being brave enough to admit a mistake in order to figure out how to correct one.
I will play a role in my life. I will make decisions as they come. I will do the preparatory work that I can to make things easier. I will feel empowered! I already do!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My fabulous daughter came home so sad today. She says a kid on the bus (same age as her) has been calling her, and others, names. She didn't even want to repeat what he said, but did say that he is just MEAN. And that she wanted to gouge his eyes out! Bless her for not doing it. I hugged her and consoled her and made sure she knew that NOTHING he said was true. And that he is a flawed person-not her. She feels torn about filing a bully report on him, she says it will do no good. I'm not even sure what to tell her. The kids around here (the bad ones) are really bad! I would be afraid for her if he seeks revenge. (I did not say this to her). I did tell her that he is in the wrong and that being a victim is not good. She has a right to stand up for herself, to protect herself, and to do what she feels is right. We also talked about what is right, and why.
All that being said--I just want to get rid of bullies! I want a world where people are kind. Where I can feel safe. Where I can trust. Where people do the right thing! This starts at home! I have a fear of having a violent temper; where I just go ballistic to ANYONE being mean, bad, violent, rotten, horrible, hateful, etc. I know that it wouldn't solve any problems--but it sure would feel good.
Some days it feels like the nice guy finishes last. I know it's not true. But it sure can feel like it. I guess that's why evil is so deceptive. I pray for a world where everyone KNOWS they are loved, cherished, and wanted. Where it is okay to make mistakes. Where being honorable and having courage are more revered than putting others down. Where supporting or helping one another is the norm, not the exception. Where the news is so filled with "feel good" stories we want to barf! Where battles are fought for justice and righteousness; not for things, power, and/or fame.
Thanks for reading my rant. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everyone understand the power of love.
But secretly, I wish I could go gouge his eyes out...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A tree which is planted on Monday and doubles in size each day,is fully grown on the following Sunday. On what day is it half grown?
Does anyone know the answer?
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My boyfreind and I have been dating for 3+years now. He owns a home. Built in 1929, 2 bedroom, has a living room, dining room and kitchen, unfinished attic & basement, no dishwasher, antique bathroom fixtures, still has knob and tube electric (in some places), actually can not run the TV while vacuuming or it blows a fuse. He lives alone. Doesn't cook. In other words, he has no idea how much we girls will be bringing to his life!
We have been discussing the idea of getting married. He refuses to put his house up for sale and says that my 12 year old daughter and I should move there. I live in a rented condo. 3 bedrooms, dishwasher, finished basement & upstairs, no problems ever with all my stuff plugged in and running. In other words, it has all the modern amenities. The only thing I feel I lack is a garage. But he doesn't really have one either.
The other thing about his home is that he lives in the city limits, which means putting my daughter in the city's public school system (not known to be good-at all). She is currently in 7th grade. Public school, but not the city system. I don't want her to switch schools until high school. At that point, private school may be an option. But, he says that living in his home would be temporary. I don't want her to have to switch schools after she starts. I'm not sure of what his definition of temporary means.
At any rate, I am tired of the living in two places thing. Feeling ready to 'rock my world' and get married, but have no idea how we can resolve the living/school issues. Got any thoughts for me?
Monday, January 11, 2010
I have been waiting to do a bunch of stuff. FAFSA forms, taxes, CLEP prep info. But today--I have been moving towards crossing these things off my list. It feels good. I am at a standstill until I get a few answers, but that's okay. I got the ball rolling! Finally!
I went Mall walking this morning-the first time in about 3 weeks. I was ssssllllooooooowwwwww. It's gonna take some work to get back on track. But I feel good. I enjoyed my time there. My body thanks me.
I have food in my fridge already prepared, so lunch and dinner are ready! I love when that happens!
Now, off to budgeting! (I really need a kick in the pants about this. Procrastination is so appealing in this area...)
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