Thursday, December 17, 2009
I need more physical challenges. After volleyball last night I was super-charged and feeling great! I love that I had some good plays and that I sweat! I love knowing that my game is improving. I love feeling physically stronger. My mood has skyrocketed.
I am not so good at achieving this feeling by DVD or, in general, at home workouts. I find it hard to do a whole workout with others here (my daughter or the kids I care for). I do much better in a structured setting (volleyball) or on my own away from home (walking). I have decided though, that I could handle 5-10 minute increments through out the day. I haven't done stair steps for a while. I could start with 5 min, 3 times per day. Then "run" on the trampoline for 5 min 3 times per day and see how that goes. Perhaps throw in jumping jacks ( I liked that challenge from QuickFire) Any other suggestions?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
My church puts on a Christmas show/extravaganza every year. My BF and I go with my daughter. Or, we have gone 2 times together. We did not go last year (there was a tragic accident and it was canceled). My BF is not a "member" of my church and has said that he does not enjoy going there (it is a contemporary Christian church, he is Catholic). The show is huge and you have to reserve tickets in advance (they are free, but you have to reserve them as they "sell-out"). I reserved 5 seats this year in the hope that my Mom and her husband could go with us. They couldn't. I then asked the mom of the girls I watch and her oldest daughter. They ended up not being able to go. I then called BF and asked him how he would feel if he didn't have to go with us. He was skeptical of how to answer. I then told him the ticket situation and that I had someone in mind to ask who would have 3 people in her party. I knew that they would enjoy the show more than my BF. He did admit, then, that he would only like to go because I wanted him to go (not because he wanted to go). And he didn't know if he could even make it there on time because of work. So I verified with him that it would be okay if I asked this other friend and her daughters. He said yes.
Well, last night, he gave me guilt about not wanting him to go. And said things like he was feeling left out and it's too bad I didn't choose him to go , that I kicked him out. I got so pissed! I told him that if he felt this way, he should have told me the TRUTH when I asked him! He then just sat on the phone in silence. (He does this because he has told me how much he hates it if I get off the phone without BOTH of us saying goodbye). In other words, he was holding me hostage on the phone. I said that I was getting more angry by the minute and that I hoped he was proud of himself because now I was feeling guilty. Maybe I should never have given his seat to someone else? Maybe I should have tried to get more seats? I asked him if he wanted me to look up another seat, I mean, since he is so bummed out that he isn't going to see the show now! He said, no because we won't be sitting together. UGH! What? I thought you were bummed because you weren't going to see the show this year. You mean you're just upset because I have a life outside of you? All of this could have been avoided if you had told me the truth!
I ended up hanging up the phone on him. (Silence was unbearable.) Was I wrong? Should I have just gone with him and turned the other 2 tickets in? We have tickets for the showing tonight. Perhaps I could find tickets for another night for just the 2 of us for this weekend?
I just don't think I should feel guilty at all! He told me it was okay! Grr...
I spoke to him this morning. We went round and round for a while. But then it came out that he didn't say it was okay. He said that it was up to me. Oh, that soooo does not fly in my book. No way No how am I going to let him continue to NOT make a decision about something by saying what ever I decide is fine. It can't always be left to me. I let him know that. From now on if I ask his opinion, I expect to get it and that the words "whatever you want dear" will NOT be his decision. I explained to him (I swear this is not the first time either) that his leaving every decision up to me is setting us both up for failure and disappointment. He agreed. Woo Hoo! Now let's see if we both stick to this...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I am in such a weight loss funk! Perhaps my friend buggirl is right and I need to shake things up. I think I've lost my focus. I have been trying to do the QuickFire challenges, but now they are repeating, I don't like that! I am going to create my own challenge daily. I will focus on core today. Crunches-here I come! I also haven't tracked my food for several days, I'm going to track today.
I am thinking this funk comes from a mis-perception about what 23 pounds is really like on the body. I have seen changes. But why is it that my pants can literally be pulled up and down fully buttoned and zippered, but I can't drop a size in jeans when I go shopping? I also tried on some corduroy's and they didn't work either. So seriously, when /how much does it take to make a REAL size change? Have clothing shapes changed? Am I not feeling the right thing when trying on pants? Am I just used to loose pants and therefore am not feeling the correct fit when it is on my body? What am I going to do if I can't fit into Lane Bryant's clothes (too big) but can't fit into other stores clothes either? This is really getting me down. Maybe I just wasn't born with the shopping gene! I HATE the hunt! I hate grabbing jean after jean and pulling them on and off again. It takes hours--and then I get no results! I'm also being a bit of a liar here, I actually have the smaller jeans I bought on my body right now. I don't LOVE them. I wanted to LOVE them. I have tried sooooo many places too! I even went thrift store shopping thinking that previously owned might be the way to go. No Luck. I know I am being a whiner. I know I am an seriously bumming you out. I want to feel sexy in SOMETHING I own! I am tired of the saggy-baggy elephant greeting me in the mirror everyday.
My BF is awesome. He says I am beautiful, sexy, cute, perfect. He also says there are worse problems to have: all my clothes could be too tight, or I could have no clothes.
I am blessed. I am happy that I've lost 23 pounds thus far. I am super happy about the way I feel (stronger, more flexible, more stamina).
This too shall pass. I will find clothes. I will feel sexy.
Thanks for putting up me and my whiner pants!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I've been trekking away. Exercising spontaneously and planned. Eating within my calorie range (almost all the time). But, I'm not feelin' the excitement I had at the beginning. I lost 2 more pounds, yet I'm not jumping for joy! What the freak? Why does this not feel like the ecstatic elation I felt before?
Could it be that this is becoming a lifestyle? Oh My! Maybe I've got the hang of this? Maybe it's feeling like a routine rather than a painful chore. Wow! That is good news.
Now if only losing 23 pounds would translate to a whole size down in the land of jeans... Why can't I find the "perfect" pair? I did purchase a pair with the numbers 1 and 4 together. They just aren't THE JEAN that I dreamed about. You know, the ones that squish the fat so no one knows it's there. And lifts your butt so people know it's there. And somehow make you appear taller, thinner, and more beautiful than a movie star. What's that you say? They don't exist? What? I can't hear you!
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