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Emotional entry

Monday, December 07, 2009

I think I hit a Jillian Michaels physical/emotional wall this weekend! I am so sore. Every part of my body hurts. I swear even my eyeballs hurt! I had a total melt down yesterday. I felt like I was Amanda when she had her fit to Jillian about not wanting to run more on the treadmill. I was just done! Tears to sobs, DONE!

So what brought this on? Well, I was/am really sore. The quickfire challenges have definitely been pushing me to places I wouldn't normally go. I mean, why do 100 push-ups when 2 sets of 12-15 is all that's called for? I've also been very busy daycare wise. The nine month old won't nap so I never get a break the days I watch him. Then on the other days I'm not taking much of a break because I am cleaning or exercising while the kids are sleeping. I feel like I have to keep going and going and going. My evenings are really filled lately too. I have stuff to do every night this week! And even though some of it is fun (volleyball) it's not exactly rest or down time for me.

What set me off was a picture I saw at my friends Christmas party. Shoot! I'm starting to well up again... Ugh! I really need to have a good cry! Okay. The picture was of her Dad. (My Dad died when I was 18.) He became my second Dad. He was the BOMB! In some ways he was better than my own Dad. I never really got along with my own Dad, I never seemed to be/do enough. Never quite lived up to expectations. His love always seemed conditional. My friends Dad took me under his wing and was such a great guy to talk to. He had the BEST sense of humor! He was also the first man to ever offer to defend my honor (he offered to go beat up my husband when I showed up at their doorstep in tears over something mean he said to me--not that I would condone that, but it was flattering to know that he had my back if I ever needed it. Daddy's are protectors, no?). Oh, I loved that man! He passed away of a heart attack when I was (I think) 28. Way too young to lose another Dad! Anyway, at the Christmas party, we were looking at old pictures of us (you know, when were skinny) and his picture was among them. My friends Mom was there and she told some super amusing stories about him. We were laughing away. It wasn't til the next morning that I ended up a weeping mess. (At my BF's, who thought that he had done something wrong. Why do men gotta be like that?) Sometimes I find it hard to express all my feelings around him because I end up feeling bad that I brought him down or made him feel uncomfortable. Really it's just me being superwoman, not letting him in, and feeling like I SHOULD be pulling myself together. I hate that word should. I felt like running away and being alone. But I did talk a bit. Then I mostly kept my thoughts to myself. I find that I get really mean if I am not in control of my feelings. So it's better for me to get some alone time to think and compose myself. I have some great men in my life now. My BF is one of them. His Dad is really great too. My step Father is a great support. My Uncle is the absolute BOMB (I wish I lived closer to him--he's who I would pick as my next surrogate Dad.) It's just weird sometimes not having a Daddy's arms to run into when I am sad and need that kind of a hug/love. I wonder sometimes what my relationship with my Dad would have been like had he lived longer. Would we have bridged the gaps between us? Would he have said he was proud of me? Would he have just loved me?

Is all this weight from my emotions about this subject? How much heavier can this get? How much lighter can I hope to feel about this? Sometimes sorrow is just so deep...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTTERCUP76 12/8/2009 2:07PM

    I just gave you big emoticon
I know how it feels to go through a really ruff emotional time, I think I have one every few months, and its hard to bounce back from them sometimes. But I know how strong you are and you will be ok, just give yourself a few days.

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KATIERIVERSMOM 12/7/2009 11:57PM

    I hear ya sister. My dad died when I was 3 months old and I always felt I was missing out. My mom remarried when I was 7 and he was the greatest, but unfortunately we lost him as well when I was 14. I have deeply missed him for 22 years and it really doesn't get easier, but you do have more better days as time passes. Don't feel bad for feeling bad, that's part of life...Jesus wept for Lazarus and HE knew HE was bringing him back. I believe my weight battle has a lot to do with my loss, but I just need to be more conscious of my habits and emotions. The only real source of comfort comes from knowing that my Heavenly Father is always with me and unfailing in HIS perfect love. Be blessed and comforted today.

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DARKFAERY 12/7/2009 10:19PM

    emoticon emoticon

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LISANANCY 12/7/2009 7:44PM

    It's OK to grieve. This is a process not a time frame. Sometimes we get stuck, but after a while we move on. You don't need any excuse. You hurt. And that's OK to hurt, be gentle with yourself. emoticon

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NOREGRET2010 12/7/2009 6:08PM

    My dad died this year - and I can well understand how this can come up even years later. Those bonds - whether they were tight and good or sloppy and bad- are still there. I find myself crying over things so loosely related it's almost ridiculous, but you know what? Grief has no timetable. Cry when you need to and don't be surprised at the triggers of pushing yourself bringing on feelings - our weight is soooo closely tied to all those emotions! Good luck!

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    We're here for you hun
Jackie x

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TIFFANY_SUZANNE 12/7/2009 4:34PM

Without getting into my own personal history, I just wanted to say that I sympathize - I, too, wish I'd had a Dad who loved me. Who hugged me. And there are moments when I, too, for no simple reason feel emotional about it.

It's OK. Be proud of yourSELF for being a caring, wonderful person and for all of your successes.
emoticon emoticon

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YOOVIE 12/7/2009 2:21PM


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GET_N_FIT_TARYN 12/7/2009 2:18PM

    My mom died a little over 7 years ago. She was 42. My dad is still alive but we do NOT get along. Like you I was always the recipient of every negative thought or opinion that came out of his mouth. I tried getting along with him after my mother passed but he made it wayyyyy to difficult. He crossed the line 2 months ago when he told me he feels I am an unfit parent because I still have issues with my mom's death. He went onto say that if he were my exhusband he would take me back to court and not allow me any time with my children. I didn't speak to him again until he called and wanted me to come for Thanksgiving. You just need to remember, it is easier to just take the crap dished out at you, but it is so much more therapeutic to truly say how he makes you feel...even if it is to yourself. Write it down. I have written my mom several letters since she died. I also have written several blogs to her on another site. Getting those feelings out will definitely lift some of that stress. Trust me... been there, done that. I told my dad, but all he did was turn my words around and make me feel like a failure again. You have many friends here who are always here to help you. Just send us a message and we will be right there to help you up whenever you fall.

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ANNAMAL76 12/7/2009 2:02PM


I don't really have anything to add. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.


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CAALAN23 12/7/2009 2:01PM

    Oh, I understand all of this completely. My own father was difficult to love. He made it so hard and showed so many faces to so many people that it was even ridiculous to complain without seeming ungrateful. But they didn't see all sides. There is no way to know the answer to your question what if. My own father died fairly young, but suffered in the last years. Even then, he was difficult. *shrugs*

You are very lucky to have other men in your life that can serve as that strong support system, but I know the feeling of wanting it from your own.

And sometimes it takes breaking down a physical barrier before the emotions will surface. A body and soul can only handle so much tired before something gives. Sometimes that's a good thing.

I hope you feel lightened. *hugs* Always here for you, schweets.


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SWIMLOVER 12/7/2009 12:27PM

  Thank You for sharing how you feel with us. We are here to support and encourage each other. I want to encourage you now to rest and spend time reflecting on you and what you want to do. Take a much needed "Me" time. Also, Your Heavenly Father, is always here for you! If you rest in HIM, HE will wrap HIS ARMS around you. I understand what you mean by missing an earthly father. My father died 29 years ago and I still miss him very much. However, I have to tell you that I can feel The
Heavenly Father's ARMS around me when I am upset or feel out of control. HE IS HERE FOR YOU! We are here for you. If you need someone to talk to or someone who will just listen when you need to vent (believe me there are times, we all need to vent), please SPARKMAIL me.

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DIXIED88 12/7/2009 12:21PM

    First emoticon (really really tight ones too).

I understand the feeling of done. That's why I took a break Thanksgiving week. Maybe it's time for you to take a break too. I was worried I wouldn't come back but actually I was happy to jump back on the wagon (sort of speak). Don't let it make you feel guilty. Sometimes we need those "just to be me" days or even week.

On the Dad issue I can understand also (my Dad is still living but abandoned me as a very young child). I have several surrogate Dads and most have no idea how much of an impact they had on my life. We must take the positive outlook on this and realize we were lucky to have men like your friend's Dad in your life.

I think it's good that you got it all out in blog form. Sometimes it's theraputic just to let it all go on "paper".


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AKSTACEY70 12/7/2009 11:54AM

    Resting your body and mind are just as important as exercising and eating right. It sounds like you are not giving yourself the rest that you need. There was a good reason that God made it one of the ten commandments....Rest. Without rest we are left with nothing to give.
If you push yourself to hard, you will see great results now, but they will not be life time changes because you will get to the point where you say it isn't worth it. Running a day care in itself is exhausting. I can't even imagine trying to make nap time my work out time. For the kids and yourself, you need to make that destress time.
Good luck.
Hang in there
And remember that you are worth it.

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RUTHIEBEAR 12/7/2009 10:05AM

    I applaud you for sharing these deep emotions with us. It is not easy baring our souls. Getting to the root of our emotional needs can be a step towards getting the weight off. I have never had a Dad who was loving towards me - mine seemed to like to criticize more than anything.
I can relate to trying to be superwoman. SOmetimes we have to give ourselves some slack to just relax.
I am here if you ever need me. I believe in you. emoticon

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GERIKRAGH 12/7/2009 10:01AM

    You definitely need to destress. There's too much going on in your life for you to have "me" time.

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IRIE_KEY 12/7/2009 9:46AM

    emoticon, I can empathize. I lost my dad when I was in my 20's and I miss him desperately. He was my rock and my biggest supporter. I am not sure he always hears me, but I talk to him all the time. I don't know you except from what I see here, but if I had to wager I'd say yes, he'd be proud and loves you.

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ROSIE777 12/7/2009 9:45AM

    I totally understand what you are talking about my Dad died last year and mentally was gone from me two years ago. I miss talking with him and getting those hugs a daughter needs from her Dad which give you the feeling of being safe. Thank you so much for sharing. emoticon

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DROWSYMAGGIE 12/7/2009 9:34AM

    I am so sorry to see that you are so down. You can contact me if you would like to talk.

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These Arms

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Arms. I got 'em! I use 'em. I need 'em. I just don't love 'em. Not the way they look.

They are the body part I picked to love this week. I've been attending to their needs, building their strength, and pushing their limits. I've been trying to love them.

I appreciate they way they wrap themselves around others. I love to hug! I love to snuggle! I appreciate how much stronger they have become by doing so many bicep curls, triceps dips, and push-ups. I have made a few overhand serves in volleyball actually go over the net. I have had a few splendidly hard-driving spikes. And a few amazing saves too. All thanks to my arms.

I need to appreciate their shape. I feel like they have never been great. But in recent years they started taking on fat. I now do a double wave when saying hello or goodbye to others. (thanks to flabby upper arm) I am trying to love what I have. And what I am creating, slowly, day by day. They are developing a shape. I've noticed a bit of a shoulder definition on my upper arms. I like that! I think that's as good as it gets for now. I'll keep up the great work and keep finding small portions to love. Someday, I'll be able to claim loving them.

For now, these arms are open for some big, squishy hugs! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BUTTERCUP76 12/4/2009 10:30AM

    We'll just double wave at each other, till we both get our SKINNY ARMS!!!

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CAALAN23 12/4/2009 9:48AM

    Yes, I can see the opponents quivering in fear as it comes your turn to serve. ;) Fearsome!

Yes, I'll take one big squishy hug please! emoticon

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DIXIED88 12/4/2009 9:30AM

    emoticon emoticon My very own double wave! emoticon

I'll take you up on that squishy hug!! emoticon emoticon

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HULAGIRL257 12/3/2009 10:04PM

    Your blog really spoke to me tonight! You are so right that arms are for hugging and loving. emoticon

Good on you for being able to spike a volleyball! I always wished I could do that.

emoticon You Rock!

Hula (loving my arms a little more tonight) emoticon

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STARRY-EYEDGIRL 12/3/2009 8:21PM

    I can identify with your sentiments about your arms, I just try to concentrate on how I want them to be i.e., I see them as slim, trim, toned and beautiful. Keep up the wonderful things that you are doing. All really is well.

emoticon Margaret

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What do I have in common with my cats?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

You all know how much I just LOVE and ADORE Peanut! The obnoxious incarnate! (see blog from yesterday). Woodie is my "good" cat. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him!

I was thinking about the diametric differences between them. Peanut lives to play and explore. Woodie lives to eat and sleep. I realized that I used to be Woodie! I lived to eat and sleep too. No exercise (or very little) and no thought whatsoever about what eating does to my waste-line. Peanut only wants to MOVE. He cares very little about food. He eats to live.

I have become more like Peanut. Two weekends ago I actually told my BF, when he asked what we should do that day, that I wanted to PLAY! He was like: play what??? I said: anything! Frisbee golf, catch, soccer, etc. For one reason or another, it didn't happen (I'm pretty sure they were valid--like we had major errand running to do). At any rate, I am proud that play and movement have become a part of my life so much so that I want to recreate with them.

I play volleyball one night a week and I play with the kids I care for far more than I used to. Like Woodie though, I still enjoy snuggling down under a blanky with a good book! (Woodie snuggles down on top of the book so I am forced to pet him) It's just that now, it's a reward, rather than the norm.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Yes Buttercup, please do! Oh and bring me back when I start staring intently at nothing at all, or chasing imaginary mice!

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BUTTERCUP76 12/3/2009 2:28PM

    So, it's nice to have a role model. But I have to say, if you start tearing up stuffed animals and chasing your tail we may have to ground you!

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DIXIED88 12/3/2009 1:29PM

    Very nice blog. I love how Peanutter is a metaphor for the changes in you. LOL, my line is I want to "Go and Do"! Doesn't matter what...just want to go and do something. :)

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CAALAN23 12/3/2009 1:22PM

    Awww, Peanut is your new life model. Good thing you couldn't give him away yesterday, huh? LOL!

I like a good snuggle with a book too although my furmonster would rather eat it than be petted. :P

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MAMAEAGLE 12/3/2009 10:22AM

    Too cute! I am the same way with hubby... "come on dear, let's go take a walk." "a walk?" "yes, a walk" "to where?" "doesn't matter, let's just go!"

They just don't get it sometimes....

It is nice to feel so good that you want to move and play, doesn't it?

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YOOVIE 12/3/2009 10:15AM

    PLAY ON!!!!!!!

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I'm going to kill my cat!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Every year it is the challenge to make a cat-proof Christmas. My younger cat, Peanut, is making ME CRAZY!!! He is the poster cat for curiosity killed the cat! He has attempted to climb inside a hot oven, burned his paw (and because that wasn't enough, his nose), on the stove top, broken numerous glasses (both the drinking and reading kind) by having a strong desire to "test gravity", torn apart stuffed animals and various other toys (you should have seen what he did to the teddy bear that came with the flowers my BF surprised me with!), AND to top it all off==he is absolutely NOT afraid of anything! He runs TOWARDS water being squirted at him. I just now brought out the broom to swat him away from the Christmas tree and he has slowly crept towards the broom and is staring it down-ready to pounce. I did not put many breakable ornaments on the tree, but it is making me crazy that he keeps "testing gravity" with the ornaments and that he keeps trying to climb the freaking tree! (I had my brother attach the tri-pod base for my tree to a piece of plywood, so I am pretty sure he won't actually knock the tree down). Grr...The joys of cat ownership!

Beautiful tan cat available to good home. Sweet disposition. Greets you at the door by licking you! Plays fetch! Very smart-knows all about the properties of gravity. Makes attempts at cooking. Loves to decorate. Tries to spell-will bring up magnet letters from the basement to the family room one at at time (I swear, I was gonna faint if the letters started to spell something!) Use an electric blanket? No need when you have the "cat blanket" in your house. Will be sure to sleep on top of you all night, no matter how many times you roll over! Hardly eats. Just wants to play! Gets along well with others. Well, until he is bothered by you and with no warning will scratch at you. Oops, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that.

Oh, wait. Please disregard previous ad. Cat does not belong to writer. It is the daughter's cat. She picked him from the shelter. Stunned that anyone would have sent him to a shelter in the first place. She loves this cat. Will not let him go! Guess I'll continue to tolerate and exercise chasing dear Peanut around my house; and bending to clean up glass and stuffing is good strengthener for the muscles.

Enjoy your pets! They make life interesting.

ps. Peanut is now sleeping on top of the broom. Guess he figures it can't do anything bad to him if he has it pinned down. **shakes head, throws up arms, I give in! He's awfully cute**

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 12/2/2009 5:47PM

    Peanut sounds like a winner! Two of our cats don't like the vacuum but the third must have grown up with one making noise, either that or she's fearless. It must be slightly crazy at this time of year for cats and kittens with all those climbable trees around and us telling them NO!

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BEACHY_KEEN 12/2/2009 1:38PM

    Awesome! Peanut has a distant cousin here in Georiga. His name is Mr. Bones. Mr. Bones is no longer cute. He is evil incarnate and pees the floor when he is angry. He also bites.
He belongs to my friend, and she has threatened to leave him and his "trust" to me in her will. She'd better outlive that cat.
Our cats, on the other hand are well behaved. They're terrified of the vacuum cleaner.
Could you possibly vacuum his fur instead of swatting at him with the broom to deter him?
Maybe he won't like the sound.
Maybe he'll enjoy it and you'll be able to keep the amount of fur that he sheds to the bare minimum.
I'm glad you're enjoying life with you very fun kitty!

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CAALAN23 12/2/2009 1:32PM

    Well, I could always bring over Puppy Max and let him chase Peanut around the tree! However, I'm sure that would just end in Peanut teaching Max how to climb it, so maybe no. ;)

Ha to sleeping on the broom, smart move.

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BLUEJEAN_GIRL 12/2/2009 12:23PM

    Thanks for the funny post. Picturing Peanut sleeping on the broom made me LOL. It sounds like Peanut is very intelligent indeed. My cats drive me crazy too. But I love their little guts!

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4ANEWME2DAY 12/2/2009 11:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIMELITESHINES 12/2/2009 10:16AM

    I have your kitty . . . in duplicate!!!! (brothers! heaven help me!) Stop by my page . . I have pictures of them being bad. LOL I don't even put a tree up any more . . it just spells disaster. So I give you props!!!!!

they sure are cute though aren't they? Even when you're ready to tear your hair out. (like every time one of them opens the cupboard, gets into the breadbox and vampires EVERY PIECE OF BREAD.) I still have no idea how he does it . . .

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DIXIED88 12/2/2009 9:55AM

    LOL! The joys of pet Mommy-hood!!

Little One has started asking for a cat recently. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't end up with a story like this soon. Hubby's been secretly looking up shelters online (which I found out accidentally trying to go back in the history to find something he wanted for Christmas).

Give Peanut a chin scratch for me! emoticon

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SANDYSKY1 12/2/2009 9:43AM

    Darn, I was just going to tell you I would take him! Of course then my husband would kill ME.

We long ago let the 4 cats I have, climb the tree. They make nice ornaments. (Yes, the tree must be anchored to the wall, that is where the husband comes in :-). Enjoyed the blog. Good luck. Sandy emoticon

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IRIE_KEY 12/2/2009 9:14AM

    Thank you for the laugh and walk down memory lane. Dusty, a beautiful russian blue used to chew through electrical cords. She did indeed have 10 lives because nine of them were used up by electrical shocks and the 10th - old age. Misty, used to take a flying leap off the fireplace mantel into the Christmas tree. Kitty, yeah I know, ran out of names, is our blanket cat. He's a snuggler. Winston would climb into the lowest shelf of the refrigerator. We'd miss him and low and behold there he'd be in the frig.
They are a handful and a blessing at the same time.

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KNITTERGAL73 12/2/2009 8:37AM

    Peanut sounds interesting. My cat Zubi loves to chew through electrical cords and eat plastic. Maybe they are related? Oh, and my other cat steals letters from the fridge. I figure she is preparing a ransom note of some kind.

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CHUBBYPIE 12/2/2009 8:31AM

    Sounds alot like my cat. When we first got him I'm pretty sure he could fly. What I would do would hold his face still while I squirted water at him (in mist mode). It worked until he figureed out he LOVED water, now I can't even take a shower with out him jumping into the tub emoticon

Try getting a dog to scare the living day lights aout of him. It worked at my place. emoticon

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RAYLYONADIET 12/2/2009 8:01AM

    I think I have your cat's brother. He gets into everything. What he can't tear up he carries and puts into the water bowl. We are scared to put up a tree. emoticon

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MILLIE-MILOU 12/2/2009 7:44AM

    I feel your pain. We have 5 dogs and 0 cats! We don't put a tree up as the greyhound tries to pee on it, the whippet tries to swing on it and the the Jack Russell tries to climb in it to get a little height to drop on the head of anything passing.

Good luck cat proofing. I've never managed to dog proof so if you work something out in your home, please let me know so that I can be sure to try it.

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MORGNSGRL 12/2/2009 7:43AM

    LOL! He sounds like a handful, all right.

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WILLOWWINDS 12/2/2009 7:36AM

    LOL with 2 dogs, 7 cats and a bird I feel for you.
We once had 4 dogs, 10 cats and same bird.

We no long even attempt to put up a tree. The cats all wanted to climb up the middle. Which of course makes it topple over.

But yes I agree they do make life interesting and also they give their love unconditionally.

Thanks for the chuckles. emoticon

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THINNAT1 12/2/2009 7:36AM

    I will help you kill your cat. But you must help me kill my daughter's hampster. He is evil.

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It's official

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Remember how I went up a couple of pounds? Well, I managed to lose them over the holiday! I'm back to my 20 pounds down! Now, I just need to get back on my 2 pounds per week downward trend. QuickFire team will certainly help me with that. I'm finding it amusing that the challenges have corresponded with my workout schedule. Yesterday was arms, today core--which is what I have scheduled. Flat belly HERE I COME!!! I'm sucking it in right now, as I type, Oh Yea--I can multitask! Have a "crunchy" kind of day, Jenn

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAALAN23 12/1/2009 11:32AM

    WooHOO on the weight loss! That's a great feat to accomplish over the holidays!

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DIXIED88 12/1/2009 10:19AM

    WOOHOO! That's wonderful. Have a crunch-tastic day!

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CHUBBYPIE 12/1/2009 8:51AM

    Losing weight over Thanksgiving is a tough thing to do.

emoticon emoticon emoticon


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STAMPINITUP 12/1/2009 8:13AM

    emoticonOn your weight loss!!! I love your enthusiasm and positive attitude! YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!!


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LOVESLIFE48 12/1/2009 7:58AM

    Congrats!! and good luck to you!!

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