Tuesday, December 08, 2009
I made a HUGE financial mistake and now I am scrambling to figure out how I am going to make extra $$$ by the end of the month! I am pimping myself out on facebook as a Girl Friday, Jack of all trades, willing to help out with any need! Oh, please pray for me! God has always blessed me with an ability to make my ends meet, but I am really scared now. I really messed up. Stress is through the roof!
Okay. I am more calm now. My life seems to always be in financial straits. I have not spent excessively for Christmas. I have nothing that I can return to make up for the deficit I will have at the end of this month. I don't know if I can get any kind of aide as I am self-employed. This mistake was a one time deal, it can't even happen again. I had a misunderstanding about the purpose of some money and now I am in some trouble. I have been desperately seeking more kids to watch, but this area is saturated because everyone who has lost their jobs is doing day care. No one is getting massage, since no one has money for "frivolous" things. I have never been wealthy off of the job I chose to do and have never been good about saving. I have really pulled things together over the past coupe of years, but when you've dug a hole as big as the Grand Canyon--no matter how "good" you've been--it's gonna take a looooong time to dig yourself out. And any little crisis is going to make it last longer.
Monday, December 07, 2009
I really thank each of you who came and read and commented on my blog today. I decided to take today as it comes. I just allowed the feelings to surface: and I cried when I wanted and I laughed when I wanted. I had a semi-day off from day care and ended up doing ONLY what I wanted, when I could. I even had you all push me into going out for Indian. I almost talked myself out of it, thinking that I couldn't/shouldn't spend that money going out just on myself. Well, your voices entered my head and said "go, do, please yourself." It was a whopping $8.50. I think I'm worth that every once in a while! LOL! I am feeling much better. Yet I still feel the lingering sorrow. I will just allow the feelings to flow. I am so proud of myself for not retreating into food, diverting with excessive exercise, or just plain pushing the thoughts away. I really FELT today. I really took care of ME today.
My deep appreciation to all my Spark Community!
Monday, December 07, 2009
I think I hit a Jillian Michaels physical/emotional wall this weekend! I am so sore. Every part of my body hurts. I swear even my eyeballs hurt! I had a total melt down yesterday. I felt like I was Amanda when she had her fit to Jillian about not wanting to run more on the treadmill. I was just done! Tears to sobs, DONE!
So what brought this on? Well, I was/am really sore. The quickfire challenges have definitely been pushing me to places I wouldn't normally go. I mean, why do 100 push-ups when 2 sets of 12-15 is all that's called for? I've also been very busy daycare wise. The nine month old won't nap so I never get a break the days I watch him. Then on the other days I'm not taking much of a break because I am cleaning or exercising while the kids are sleeping. I feel like I have to keep going and going and going. My evenings are really filled lately too. I have stuff to do every night this week! And even though some of it is fun (volleyball) it's not exactly rest or down time for me.
What set me off was a picture I saw at my friends Christmas party. Shoot! I'm starting to well up again... Ugh! I really need to have a good cry! Okay. The picture was of her Dad. (My Dad died when I was 18.) He became my second Dad. He was the BOMB! In some ways he was better than my own Dad. I never really got along with my own Dad, I never seemed to be/do enough. Never quite lived up to expectations. His love always seemed conditional. My friends Dad took me under his wing and was such a great guy to talk to. He had the BEST sense of humor! He was also the first man to ever offer to defend my honor (he offered to go beat up my husband when I showed up at their doorstep in tears over something mean he said to me--not that I would condone that, but it was flattering to know that he had my back if I ever needed it. Daddy's are protectors, no?). Oh, I loved that man! He passed away of a heart attack when I was (I think) 28. Way too young to lose another Dad! Anyway, at the Christmas party, we were looking at old pictures of us (you know, when were skinny) and his picture was among them. My friends Mom was there and she told some super amusing stories about him. We were laughing away. It wasn't til the next morning that I ended up a weeping mess. (At my BF's, who thought that he had done something wrong. Why do men gotta be like that?) Sometimes I find it hard to express all my feelings around him because I end up feeling bad that I brought him down or made him feel uncomfortable. Really it's just me being superwoman, not letting him in, and feeling like I SHOULD be pulling myself together. I hate that word should. I felt like running away and being alone. But I did talk a bit. Then I mostly kept my thoughts to myself. I find that I get really mean if I am not in control of my feelings. So it's better for me to get some alone time to think and compose myself. I have some great men in my life now. My BF is one of them. His Dad is really great too. My step Father is a great support. My Uncle is the absolute BOMB (I wish I lived closer to him--he's who I would pick as my next surrogate Dad.) It's just weird sometimes not having a Daddy's arms to run into when I am sad and need that kind of a hug/love. I wonder sometimes what my relationship with my Dad would have been like had he lived longer. Would we have bridged the gaps between us? Would he have said he was proud of me? Would he have just loved me?
Is all this weight from my emotions about this subject? How much heavier can this get? How much lighter can I hope to feel about this? Sometimes sorrow is just so deep...
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Arms. I got 'em! I use 'em. I need 'em. I just don't love 'em. Not the way they look.
They are the body part I picked to love this week. I've been attending to their needs, building their strength, and pushing their limits. I've been trying to love them.
I appreciate they way they wrap themselves around others. I love to hug! I love to snuggle! I appreciate how much stronger they have become by doing so many bicep curls, triceps dips, and push-ups. I have made a few overhand serves in volleyball actually go over the net. I have had a few splendidly hard-driving spikes. And a few amazing saves too. All thanks to my arms.
I need to appreciate their shape. I feel like they have never been great. But in recent years they started taking on fat. I now do a double wave when saying hello or goodbye to others. (thanks to flabby upper arm) I am trying to love what I have. And what I am creating, slowly, day by day. They are developing a shape. I've noticed a bit of a shoulder definition on my upper arms. I like that! I think that's as good as it gets for now. I'll keep up the great work and keep finding small portions to love. Someday, I'll be able to claim loving them.
For now, these arms are open for some big, squishy hugs!
Thursday, December 03, 2009
You all know how much I just LOVE and ADORE Peanut! The obnoxious incarnate! (see blog from yesterday). Woodie is my "good" cat. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him!
I was thinking about the diametric differences between them. Peanut lives to play and explore. Woodie lives to eat and sleep. I realized that I used to be Woodie! I lived to eat and sleep too. No exercise (or very little) and no thought whatsoever about what eating does to my waste-line. Peanut only wants to MOVE. He cares very little about food. He eats to live.
I have become more like Peanut. Two weekends ago I actually told my BF, when he asked what we should do that day, that I wanted to PLAY! He was like: play what??? I said: anything! Frisbee golf, catch, soccer, etc. For one reason or another, it didn't happen (I'm pretty sure they were valid--like we had major errand running to do). At any rate, I am proud that play and movement have become a part of my life so much so that I want to recreate with them.
I play volleyball one night a week and I play with the kids I care for far more than I used to. Like Woodie though, I still enjoy snuggling down under a blanky with a good book! (Woodie snuggles down on top of the book so I am forced to pet him) It's just that now, it's a reward, rather than the norm.
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