Monday, December 07, 2009
I think I hit a Jillian Michaels physical/emotional wall this weekend! I am so sore. Every part of my body hurts. I swear even my eyeballs hurt! I had a total melt down yesterday. I felt like I was Amanda when she had her fit to Jillian about not wanting to run more on the treadmill. I was just done! Tears to sobs, DONE!
So what brought this on? Well, I was/am really sore. The quickfire challenges have definitely been pushing me to places I wouldn't normally go. I mean, why do 100 push-ups when 2 sets of 12-15 is all that's called for? I've also been very busy daycare wise. The nine month old won't nap so I never get a break the days I watch him. Then on the other days I'm not taking much of a break because I am cleaning or exercising while the kids are sleeping. I feel like I have to keep going and going and going. My evenings are really filled lately too. I have stuff to do every night this week! And even though some of it is fun (volleyball) it's not exactly rest or down time for me.
What set me off was a picture I saw at my friends Christmas party. Shoot! I'm starting to well up again... Ugh! I really need to have a good cry! Okay. The picture was of her Dad. (My Dad died when I was 18.) He became my second Dad. He was the BOMB! In some ways he was better than my own Dad. I never really got along with my own Dad, I never seemed to be/do enough. Never quite lived up to expectations. His love always seemed conditional. My friends Dad took me under his wing and was such a great guy to talk to. He had the BEST sense of humor! He was also the first man to ever offer to defend my honor (he offered to go beat up my husband when I showed up at their doorstep in tears over something mean he said to me--not that I would condone that, but it was flattering to know that he had my back if I ever needed it. Daddy's are protectors, no?). Oh, I loved that man! He passed away of a heart attack when I was (I think) 28. Way too young to lose another Dad! Anyway, at the Christmas party, we were looking at old pictures of us (you know, when were skinny) and his picture was among them. My friends Mom was there and she told some super amusing stories about him. We were laughing away. It wasn't til the next morning that I ended up a weeping mess. (At my BF's, who thought that he had done something wrong. Why do men gotta be like that?) Sometimes I find it hard to express all my feelings around him because I end up feeling bad that I brought him down or made him feel uncomfortable. Really it's just me being superwoman, not letting him in, and feeling like I SHOULD be pulling myself together. I hate that word should. I felt like running away and being alone. But I did talk a bit. Then I mostly kept my thoughts to myself. I find that I get really mean if I am not in control of my feelings. So it's better for me to get some alone time to think and compose myself. I have some great men in my life now. My BF is one of them. His Dad is really great too. My step Father is a great support. My Uncle is the absolute BOMB (I wish I lived closer to him--he's who I would pick as my next surrogate Dad.) It's just weird sometimes not having a Daddy's arms to run into when I am sad and need that kind of a hug/love. I wonder sometimes what my relationship with my Dad would have been like had he lived longer. Would we have bridged the gaps between us? Would he have said he was proud of me? Would he have just loved me?
Is all this weight from my emotions about this subject? How much heavier can this get? How much lighter can I hope to feel about this? Sometimes sorrow is just so deep...
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Arms. I got 'em! I use 'em. I need 'em. I just don't love 'em. Not the way they look.
They are the body part I picked to love this week. I've been attending to their needs, building their strength, and pushing their limits. I've been trying to love them.
I appreciate they way they wrap themselves around others. I love to hug! I love to snuggle! I appreciate how much stronger they have become by doing so many bicep curls, triceps dips, and push-ups. I have made a few overhand serves in volleyball actually go over the net. I have had a few splendidly hard-driving spikes. And a few amazing saves too. All thanks to my arms.
I need to appreciate their shape. I feel like they have never been great. But in recent years they started taking on fat. I now do a double wave when saying hello or goodbye to others. (thanks to flabby upper arm) I am trying to love what I have. And what I am creating, slowly, day by day. They are developing a shape. I've noticed a bit of a shoulder definition on my upper arms. I like that! I think that's as good as it gets for now. I'll keep up the great work and keep finding small portions to love. Someday, I'll be able to claim loving them.
For now, these arms are open for some big, squishy hugs!
Thursday, December 03, 2009
You all know how much I just LOVE and ADORE Peanut! The obnoxious incarnate! (see blog from yesterday). Woodie is my "good" cat. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him!
I was thinking about the diametric differences between them. Peanut lives to play and explore. Woodie lives to eat and sleep. I realized that I used to be Woodie! I lived to eat and sleep too. No exercise (or very little) and no thought whatsoever about what eating does to my waste-line. Peanut only wants to MOVE. He cares very little about food. He eats to live.
I have become more like Peanut. Two weekends ago I actually told my BF, when he asked what we should do that day, that I wanted to PLAY! He was like: play what??? I said: anything! Frisbee golf, catch, soccer, etc. For one reason or another, it didn't happen (I'm pretty sure they were valid--like we had major errand running to do). At any rate, I am proud that play and movement have become a part of my life so much so that I want to recreate with them.
I play volleyball one night a week and I play with the kids I care for far more than I used to. Like Woodie though, I still enjoy snuggling down under a blanky with a good book! (Woodie snuggles down on top of the book so I am forced to pet him) It's just that now, it's a reward, rather than the norm.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Every year it is the challenge to make a cat-proof Christmas. My younger cat, Peanut, is making ME CRAZY!!! He is the poster cat for curiosity killed the cat! He has attempted to climb inside a hot oven, burned his paw (and because that wasn't enough, his nose), on the stove top, broken numerous glasses (both the drinking and reading kind) by having a strong desire to "test gravity", torn apart stuffed animals and various other toys (you should have seen what he did to the teddy bear that came with the flowers my BF surprised me with!), AND to top it all off==he is absolutely NOT afraid of anything! He runs TOWARDS water being squirted at him. I just now brought out the broom to swat him away from the Christmas tree and he has slowly crept towards the broom and is staring it down-ready to pounce. I did not put many breakable ornaments on the tree, but it is making me crazy that he keeps "testing gravity" with the ornaments and that he keeps trying to climb the freaking tree! (I had my brother attach the tri-pod base for my tree to a piece of plywood, so I am pretty sure he won't actually knock the tree down). Grr...The joys of cat ownership!
Beautiful tan cat available to good home. Sweet disposition. Greets you at the door by licking you! Plays fetch! Very smart-knows all about the properties of gravity. Makes attempts at cooking. Loves to decorate. Tries to spell-will bring up magnet letters from the basement to the family room one at at time (I swear, I was gonna faint if the letters started to spell something!) Use an electric blanket? No need when you have the "cat blanket" in your house. Will be sure to sleep on top of you all night, no matter how many times you roll over! Hardly eats. Just wants to play! Gets along well with others. Well, until he is bothered by you and with no warning will scratch at you. Oops, perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned that.
Oh, wait. Please disregard previous ad. Cat does not belong to writer. It is the daughter's cat. She picked him from the shelter. Stunned that anyone would have sent him to a shelter in the first place. She loves this cat. Will not let him go! Guess I'll continue to tolerate and exercise chasing dear Peanut around my house; and bending to clean up glass and stuffing is good strengthener for the muscles.
Enjoy your pets! They make life interesting.
ps. Peanut is now sleeping on top of the broom. Guess he figures it can't do anything bad to him if he has it pinned down. **shakes head, throws up arms, I give in! He's awfully cute**
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Remember how I went up a couple of pounds? Well, I managed to lose them over the holiday! I'm back to my 20 pounds down! Now, I just need to get back on my 2 pounds per week downward trend. QuickFire team will certainly help me with that. I'm finding it amusing that the challenges have corresponded with my workout schedule. Yesterday was arms, today core--which is what I have scheduled. Flat belly HERE I COME!!! I'm sucking it in right now, as I type, Oh Yea--I can multitask! Have a "crunchy" kind of day, Jenn
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