Monday, November 16, 2009
Gosh, I just couldn't shake the "beat myself up blues" today. But I took a "happy nap" with the kids I watch and I am feeling much better. Much lighter. Much more able to take on the world! Bring it on!!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Aunt Flow is visiting--so I'm a weepy mess. Had lots of gooey cheese this weekend. Was really rough on myself. *Big Sigh*
I have to cut myself some slack. I'm still losing. I'm still exercising. I'm still making great choices MOST of the time. I am capable of making some gooey choices and still remain within my calories. And--even if I go over--it won't be an everyday occurrence. Those days are long gone!
I started knitting a few years a go. I was a quick study, but wouldn't try anything really challenging. Scarves were easy and quick--so I stuck with that. Now I would try new patterns, but never wanted to make anything that required making two identical pieces. (socks, mittens) I had a friend who bought me the yarn and my first double point needles and picked a sock pattern for me. And then she plopped herself down with her knitting stuff until I started my first sock. I made mistakes. I cursed. I felt like giving up. She wouldn't let me! She gently showed me how to correct stuff, or told me to leave some in cause some mistakes are just not that big a deal. Well, I finished those socks--and I even wear them! I have gone on to make a few more pairs. My daughter and my Mom wear theirs, so they must not be too bad. I think the mistakes are what make a piece uniquely mine. And most of the time--I am the only one who sees them.
Ain't that the truth. I am my own worse critic. I have to stop looking for the flaws. I'll surely find them! But when I'm feeling down, or feel like I have messed up--maybe I should seek the good parts. They seem so much harder to find, and therefore a challenge. And, well, since I'm all about challenges these days... Seriously, there is always something good to find too. There is always something to learn. There is always something to love. (Sometimes, I love something even more once I realize it's not so perfect).
I have to share a knitting mistake too. I have been working on a pair of socks for some time now. (I get tendinitis in my wrist and elbow, so it takes me a long time to complete a project) I love the yarn, but it's a type I've never worked with before--it's got some elasticity in it. Well, I started one sock, got to a good stopping point and started the second sock (knitters can get into a second sock syndrome and not start the 2nd). I was doing really well and really liked the way it was turning out. I got out the first sock, and oops, they were vastly different sizes! I was perplexed about what to do. I had knit much further in the first sock and really didn't want to tear out all that work. But I couldn't bring myself to tear out the second sock either. After stewing on this for a couple of days I realized that I had to tear out the first sock. I had knit it too loosely and the sock was GIANT. I had the nagging feeling the entire time I was working on it, but I have such a hard time ripping out all that work. I finally ripped away. It was empowering. I know I made the right decision. I will have two socks, evenly matched, that are the correct size (but still have a fair share of mistakes in it too) --even though it's going to take me a little longer to finish them. I can't express how proud I am of myself for doing this.
I love myself. I eventually love, laugh, and learn from my mistakes. I enjoyed my weekend. I enjoyed the food. But I did pay a price. I felt so yucky after lunch yesterday. I do believe I wont be paying that price again anytime soon. Some mistakes are easier to correct than others. Some may not even need correcting. Some just need to be learned from. Some can be turned into something beautiful. Some are serendipitous.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
My BF and I spend the weekend days with each other. We go out to lunch both Sat and Sun. Some times I do better than other times. This weekend was the weekend of CHEESE! Gobs of gooey cheese. It was yummy, yesterday (loaded potato skins, low fat main entree: chicken, rice and broccoli). But the whole time, I kept thinking that I will do better tomorrow. Then, today came and lunch was delayed and we were both starved. Mozzarella sticks as appetizer. Avocado quesadilla for meal. Cheese overload! I felt so bloated. I WILL remember this next weekend!
I feel the need to tell you--the BF is actually quite supportive. He has also started exercising and choosing better alternatives in food too. He is totally encouraging and wants both of us to get thinner and healthy. We often spend time walking and exploring the outdoors. But, he just won't let me cook lunch for him. He is very picky and says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings if he doesn't like what I make. He also feels like he wants to treat me to some "cooked for me" meals, since I have to cook for myself all week. I feel like one meal a week is not going to break me, but two is too much. I have to put a stop to this, or at the very least--put a stop to the greasy fried appetizers. Why can't I JUST SAY NO! when this food is put in front of me??? I know better. I know I want to be in the next decade of numbers (I'm just 3 pounds away). Why would I do this?
Okay. A little reality check on the numbers. I have logged in my calories for both days--and well, I'm not over on my calories. Just on the high end. So why am I beating myself up??? Geeze, I need a serious head screwing back on! Why am I mentally punishing myself when I haven't been "that" out of control? Hmm..some food for thought this week. I am SO the person who goes at something 100% and then ends up giving up because no one can be perfect all the time. Help me!!!
Friday, November 13, 2009
I was lamenting my growing slightly smaller breasts. (They're triple D's, so I don't really think I'm in any danger of losing too much, but still...they are not the same anymore) And mused whether or not I could actually go under for some improvements. (Obviously in my musings, money is no object) What do I really consider not so aesthetically pleasing? I've always liked my "girls", but how long will that hold? As they shrink and sag will I still love them? How about my changing arms? The fat that was there used to be plumped up and therefore didn't keep moving long after I stopped waving. Now, there is some flappy upper arm waving going on. Not so much liking that. I know Oprah had serious issues with her flappy upper arms, but didn't like the fact that there would be visible scars from the surgery. The scarring gets to me too. I've seen breast reduction surgery (I always thought that's the kind of surgery I would need someday) and the scarring is awful! What they have to do to reduce a boob is amazing! I decided that I would only go through with it if my quality of life was seriously compromised. Well, that's a good rule of thumb, don't you think? If your quality of life is seriously compromised-then surgery is okay. Except, I know people who have chosen to get face lifts, nose tweaks, and mild boob-jobs and it did make them feel better. Their lives were not compromised (except in their minds). You really wouldn't even know they got it done. Now that's a good plastic surgery outcome, if you ask me. I wouldn't want to be a different me. I've spent a lot of time dealing with the lot I was given. I don't like the idea of everyone looking the same. A perfect ideal. Unique is cool. Unique is flavor. I may not be a Hollywood starlet--but I'm not so sure I'd want to be. Defending my big nose is part of what has made me-ME. If my feet weren't a glorious size 9, what would I have in common with my not height challenged cousins? How am I going to be the cute little Polish grandma if I changed my squishy parts? Ya need some squishy parts to give good hugs! So when you see my nose, boobs and feet coming round the corner, never fear a big flappin wave and a squishy hug are soon to follow! It's just Jenn. Me. Beautiful, God given ME.
Of course, if you happen to be independently wealthy and a like to share... send me a private message. We'll talk. LOL!
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