Monday, November 09, 2009
I am currently losing the 20 pounds I lost last year, again. It feels different this time. In some ways it seems easier. I've been here before, I know what to buy, I know to eat, I know to exercise, etc. But it is also very different. I know that I could gain it all back again. Easily. Last year I went shopping after almost all 20 pounds were gone. I found a pair of pants that I though wouldn't fit because they were a size smaller than I'd been in a long time and they were a petite. But they were the color I'd been looking for and they were an excellent price. I finally mustered up the courage to try them on (I have to be able to handle the disappointment if they don't fit). Well. to my very surprised eyes and body-they fit! Beautifully! I managed to wear those pants a couple of times before spring and warmer weather prevailed (but I had also started the gain at that point). One thing I do remember is that I couldn't believe that those pants fit. 14 petite, me?!
As I was walking last week, I remembered those pants and I wondered if I'd be able to wear them for Thanksgiving this year. Then I remembered a story I had heard a long time ago...
A man, who was blind, prayed everyday that his site be restored. He went to bed saying that prayer and the next morning he could see! He was so excited. He went around telling everyone that he could see, he just couldn't believe it, but he could see! That night he thanks God for restoring his site and still can't believe it. The next morning, he wakes, but can not see. He laments and asks God why? Why oh why did you take my site away again? God says, because you didn't believe you could see.
When I take out those pants (I'll do it today). I'm going to look at the numbers on the label and I am going to believe they apply to me! My eyes will see that they are meant for me. My eyes will see my body in those pants and I will believe what I see because I have worked hard for those results. I have earned that pants size.
Do you believe what you see in the mirror? On the label? On the treadmill, pedometer, tracker?
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I went over to my friends house last night for a fire, conversation, to visit with my brother, To relax, etc.
I did not go there to eat.
I thought about it before I left.
I ate at home and knew that I had about 500 calories to spare.
I figured I'd enjoy a glass of wine and perhaps nibble some chips and salsa.
Uhg! Cheesey-mayonaisey spread called my name. I tried to walk away from it. I left the room even. But it called to me. Then, the homemade chili smelled so good. I had to try it. I had my one glass of wine. Before dinner... Then the good stuff came out and I had another. It was truly good stuff. I'm not even sure how to log everything in. The chili was really a 3-way (for those not from Cincinnati--It was Cincinnati style, which is chili served over pasta with cheddar cheese). The dip was from the devil but I did eat it with whole grain crackers. And I did have chips and salsa.
Okay, I didn't eat any where near as big a portion as I would have before this healthy time change, but still... And I would have eaten it with abandon. I paced myself and I did walk away numerous times. But still...
I'm gonna need a lock for my mouth this holiday season. Or, I'm gonna need a whole lot more exercise.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I have been so narcissistic this week. I keep stopping in front of the mirror and checking myself out! Especially my belly. I am finding myself more loving toward that big hunk of middle body. It's just getting so strong, so toned, so smaller(ish), so belly rubbingtastic. I do give it a little rub and tell it that I know it's been hurt and neglected--but I love it. I am doing it justice this week and beyond. I am working it's muscles, I am feeding it good nutrition, I am fitting it into more flattering clothes, and I am promising to keep doing this til the end of our days.
I haven't been to the library to get a belly dancing DVD, but I am going to see if I can request one to pick up on Saturday. I'm getting out my hula hoop and having a hooping good day today! (My cousin and her roommates were hula hoopers through college. They used to hold competitions in their apartment. After they all grew up and got married, one of them even video-ed herself hula hooping 9 months pregnant! That is where my love and awe of hula hooping started).
Have a belly rubbing, hula hooping kind of day!
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
So, I've lost 16 pounds. I've moved my belts in a notch. I wore a pair of non-stretchy jeans all day yesterday (usually they choke my belly too much and I end up changing out of them). I have felt the soreness of my muscles. Muscles I didn't even know I had. But last night I really felt a difference in my body. I have lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks and have changed my workout routine within the last week. I swear, it's made a big difference. Anyway, last night was the first time in almost 2 weeks that I got to see my BF. We, well...um, shall we say got intimate. And I could tell that I was thinner and stronger. I was a little freaked. It was such a great feeling! (um...that too-gutter minds, LOL) It's kind of strange to be with someone, and then change physically, and be with them again. It's like I'm becoming a new person. I do find myself reassuring my BF that I am not plotting to leave him when I am all svelte. He's the best guy I've ever dated. We can talk about anything freely. It's nice to be with someone that I feel so safe with and be SO myself with.
It has got me thinking. Have any of you struggled with relationships while losing weight? I have a best friend who seems quite content with her girth. She talks about her very obese sister all the time, and I think she feels good that she is not "that" fat, but doesn't what to change anything about herself. I worry about her stress. I just think that if she were to start a walking routine, she would feel so much better. But, I haven't been able to talk to her about it. Actually, she seems to have dropped of the face of the earth. I worry that she is feeling some resentment towards me. I will approach her about it--it just has to be done delicately.
I do have other friends who are incredibly supportive and motivating. It is occurring to me though, that I've always been the "heavy" friend to them. How can I change my own image of myself? How can I embrace the idea that I am just as attractive as any of them? I do believe that 'loving my body one part at a time' is helping to get me there. But somewhere along the lines I'm going to have to put it all together. I'm going to have to "own" the loss and become a 'skinny Jenn' (who ever that may be). Hmm....anyone got any advice here? Perhaps I'm putting the cart before the horse? Maybe this will all fall into place?
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Okay, so ...In my head I dream about wearing a particular outfit when I am skinny. This is probably not a common fantasy outfit. It's a little boring. But I want to be the woman in my dream. I want to fit into a skinny pair of dark jeans; have a black belt upon my thin waist; killer black boots upon my feet; and have a crisp white t-shirt TUCKED IN. I don't know why this is my fantasy--but it is.
Reality outfit is a dress that I bought many moons ago. I was young. Not married. No kid. This dress is so awesome--it's practically the only "skinny" clothes I still have laying around. The rest have long been given away in fat frustration and hopelessness. But that dress--it still holds some hope. When I bought it, I was loving the 20's and the 60's. The dress is a nice mesh of 20's flapper girl meets 60's twisting queen. It is black. It is actually not a flapper style. It is more a Brenda Walsh (90210) goes to Homecoming style. It is short, scoop necked, but loaded with the 20's/60's fringe! I LOVE me some fringe! At the time I was probably a 36 C, 135, and a size 10/12. The dress was a size 9-10. I figured it was not meant to be--but my friend encouraged me to try it on. After all it was massively on sale! I went ahead and reluctantly tried it on. Well, reserved, little 'ol me actually screamed in the dressing room. Big whoops could be heard through out the store! Holy Cow Patties! It fit like it had been sewn for ME!!! I loved that dress. I wore that dress with such energy. I wanted to be swept off mt feet in that dress. I wanted to be a great dancer in that dress. I wanted to be wined and dined in that dress. Alas, that never happened. No guy fell in love with me in that dress, dancing skills do not suddenly appear because of a dress, none of my suitors at that time had any money to wine nor dine. But, I still have that dress. I still hold hope. I know it's a long shot, but I would love to be able to wear that dress again. And twist the night away with my happy self.
I'm stepping closer to that goal. My waist is down another 2 inches and my hips are down 1 more. I lost 5 pounds this week. I am a little reluctant to do a happy dance about that because I think it has to do with the high blood pressure pills I started taking. They have a salt removing aspect that I think has flushed water put of my system. But I also changed my exercise routine this past week. I guess time will tell...
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