Saturday, November 07, 2009
I went over to my friends house last night for a fire, conversation, to visit with my brother, To relax, etc.
I did not go there to eat.
I thought about it before I left.
I ate at home and knew that I had about 500 calories to spare.
I figured I'd enjoy a glass of wine and perhaps nibble some chips and salsa.
Uhg! Cheesey-mayonaisey spread called my name. I tried to walk away from it. I left the room even. But it called to me. Then, the homemade chili smelled so good. I had to try it. I had my one glass of wine. Before dinner... Then the good stuff came out and I had another. It was truly good stuff. I'm not even sure how to log everything in. The chili was really a 3-way (for those not from Cincinnati--It was Cincinnati style, which is chili served over pasta with cheddar cheese). The dip was from the devil but I did eat it with whole grain crackers. And I did have chips and salsa.
Okay, I didn't eat any where near as big a portion as I would have before this healthy time change, but still... And I would have eaten it with abandon. I paced myself and I did walk away numerous times. But still...
I'm gonna need a lock for my mouth this holiday season. Or, I'm gonna need a whole lot more exercise.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I have been so narcissistic this week. I keep stopping in front of the mirror and checking myself out! Especially my belly. I am finding myself more loving toward that big hunk of middle body. It's just getting so strong, so toned, so smaller(ish), so belly rubbingtastic. I do give it a little rub and tell it that I know it's been hurt and neglected--but I love it. I am doing it justice this week and beyond. I am working it's muscles, I am feeding it good nutrition, I am fitting it into more flattering clothes, and I am promising to keep doing this til the end of our days.
I haven't been to the library to get a belly dancing DVD, but I am going to see if I can request one to pick up on Saturday. I'm getting out my hula hoop and having a hooping good day today! (My cousin and her roommates were hula hoopers through college. They used to hold competitions in their apartment. After they all grew up and got married, one of them even video-ed herself hula hooping 9 months pregnant! That is where my love and awe of hula hooping started).
Have a belly rubbing, hula hooping kind of day!
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
So, I've lost 16 pounds. I've moved my belts in a notch. I wore a pair of non-stretchy jeans all day yesterday (usually they choke my belly too much and I end up changing out of them). I have felt the soreness of my muscles. Muscles I didn't even know I had. But last night I really felt a difference in my body. I have lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks and have changed my workout routine within the last week. I swear, it's made a big difference. Anyway, last night was the first time in almost 2 weeks that I got to see my BF. We, well...um, shall we say got intimate. And I could tell that I was thinner and stronger. I was a little freaked. It was such a great feeling! (um...that too-gutter minds, LOL) It's kind of strange to be with someone, and then change physically, and be with them again. It's like I'm becoming a new person. I do find myself reassuring my BF that I am not plotting to leave him when I am all svelte. He's the best guy I've ever dated. We can talk about anything freely. It's nice to be with someone that I feel so safe with and be SO myself with.
It has got me thinking. Have any of you struggled with relationships while losing weight? I have a best friend who seems quite content with her girth. She talks about her very obese sister all the time, and I think she feels good that she is not "that" fat, but doesn't what to change anything about herself. I worry about her stress. I just think that if she were to start a walking routine, she would feel so much better. But, I haven't been able to talk to her about it. Actually, she seems to have dropped of the face of the earth. I worry that she is feeling some resentment towards me. I will approach her about it--it just has to be done delicately.
I do have other friends who are incredibly supportive and motivating. It is occurring to me though, that I've always been the "heavy" friend to them. How can I change my own image of myself? How can I embrace the idea that I am just as attractive as any of them? I do believe that 'loving my body one part at a time' is helping to get me there. But somewhere along the lines I'm going to have to put it all together. I'm going to have to "own" the loss and become a 'skinny Jenn' (who ever that may be). Hmm....anyone got any advice here? Perhaps I'm putting the cart before the horse? Maybe this will all fall into place?
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Okay, so ...In my head I dream about wearing a particular outfit when I am skinny. This is probably not a common fantasy outfit. It's a little boring. But I want to be the woman in my dream. I want to fit into a skinny pair of dark jeans; have a black belt upon my thin waist; killer black boots upon my feet; and have a crisp white t-shirt TUCKED IN. I don't know why this is my fantasy--but it is.
Reality outfit is a dress that I bought many moons ago. I was young. Not married. No kid. This dress is so awesome--it's practically the only "skinny" clothes I still have laying around. The rest have long been given away in fat frustration and hopelessness. But that dress--it still holds some hope. When I bought it, I was loving the 20's and the 60's. The dress is a nice mesh of 20's flapper girl meets 60's twisting queen. It is black. It is actually not a flapper style. It is more a Brenda Walsh (90210) goes to Homecoming style. It is short, scoop necked, but loaded with the 20's/60's fringe! I LOVE me some fringe! At the time I was probably a 36 C, 135, and a size 10/12. The dress was a size 9-10. I figured it was not meant to be--but my friend encouraged me to try it on. After all it was massively on sale! I went ahead and reluctantly tried it on. Well, reserved, little 'ol me actually screamed in the dressing room. Big whoops could be heard through out the store! Holy Cow Patties! It fit like it had been sewn for ME!!! I loved that dress. I wore that dress with such energy. I wanted to be swept off mt feet in that dress. I wanted to be a great dancer in that dress. I wanted to be wined and dined in that dress. Alas, that never happened. No guy fell in love with me in that dress, dancing skills do not suddenly appear because of a dress, none of my suitors at that time had any money to wine nor dine. But, I still have that dress. I still hold hope. I know it's a long shot, but I would love to be able to wear that dress again. And twist the night away with my happy self.
I'm stepping closer to that goal. My waist is down another 2 inches and my hips are down 1 more. I lost 5 pounds this week. I am a little reluctant to do a happy dance about that because I think it has to do with the high blood pressure pills I started taking. They have a salt removing aspect that I think has flushed water put of my system. But I also changed my exercise routine this past week. I guess time will tell...
Monday, November 02, 2009
I do solemnly swear that I, Jenn Snyder, will do my best to love my belly this week!
First, I must say that I have never had a "flat" tummy. I have always had what I have affectionately called "the pooch". Even pre-baby I had a pooch. It is the area where I have the most excess. It has scars from gallbladder surgery, stretch marks from birthing a baby, and stretch marks from the a fore mentioned excess. I have an "innie" which, with such excess, has become more of a bottomless pit.
I find it interesting that the belly is the most sensitive area (ie. ticklish). This is probably due to survival, as the belly is the most vulnerable area on the body. Nothing protects it. It is the area on my body I least enjoy having touched. I reflexively pull in when someone tries to touch my waste/belly.
I have had my brave moments with my belly. The kids I watch don't care how big it is and often tickle me or ask to see my bellybutton. I also went through a phase of doing belly bumps like Jack and Karen from Will and Grace. I even sported a bikini while tanning in the privacy of my back yard while in high school.
I hold this weight like a weight. It's like it is waiting. It needs me to make some tough emotional correlations before it will become acceptably smaller. Last night I had my first break through. I was hopelessly awake at 3am and found myself thinking about my Dad. He passed away when I was 18 suddenly of a brain anyerisum (I can't figure out the correct spelling of this word). He was a short in stature, hold your weight in your belly, emotional time bomb kind of guy. I favor him in my weight distribution and stature. I just got on blood pressure medication, just like he was on. I have had my emotional time bomb moments. I worked a lot of stuff out in therapy. I'm proud that I finally did the right thing for myself medically. I am proud that I am finally leading a healthy life. But I still found myself thinking about him last night. And, I found myself unbelievably hungry. I thought about going and getting a snack-but stopped myself. A random thought came to me. I wasn't hungry for food. I was hungry for the love of a father. Almost as quickly as the thought entered my head, my hunger pangs went away. I am a believer. I prayed at that moment and thanked God for being the unconditional father I need. I prayed that He help me shed the weight and help me work through the problems I am holding on to.
I think I'll give belly dancing a try this week. Hula hooping. Buddah belly rubbing. Gently and tenderly being patient for my love to grow.
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