Sunday, June 29, 2014
I don't even know how to put it into words. I have been having a huge internal struggle.
A year ago I retired from my position in the church. Since I dont want this to come across as slanderous, I won't insert details of what led up to that decision. Anyway, my retirement was not recognized by my church as I only had 17 yrs of service and was told 25 was required.
In my church we wear certain color epaulettes and hold a rank based on service years. I retired as a Major and wore red. In order to allow the new pastors time to get grounded, I did not attend for 2 months.
For a couple weeks upon my return I wore church clothes. The new pastors do not call me by rank and it really shouldn't matter to me. Instead of the normal attire, all winter I wore slacks, white shirt and a sweater. This gave me the appearance of being properly clad. Then, for the first time in almost a year, I wore the skirt and blouse with my red epaulette. One church member looked hard at it. Apparently I'm to be wearing blue. So, the next week I wore pants and sweater. Today, skirt and I chose to not wear epaulettes at all. Why is this so hard?
I was asked to preach today and had been looking forward to it. All week I couldn't get the sermon to work. I think I realized i would have to put the blue on. Again, it shouldn't matter. Saturday I panicked and finally told the pastor I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. I feel I really let them down and God down. I don't know what is wrong with me.