STEVIECAT4   12,542
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STEVIECAT4's Recent Blog Entries

Feeling like a fat person in a thin body

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I have been afraid to go to the store and try on clothes in a new size. Since August, I have lost 35 pounds and haven't needed to buy new clothes because before I had started, I wore a size that I called "a tight 18". So with the first pounds coming off, the 18's started to fit comfortably. Then one day the 18's were so big that I looked atrocious in them. First leap of faith....I reached way to the back of my closet and tried on a former size I've kept, size 16. They fit and I was ecstatic!! I tried on ALL the size 16's but alas, only half of them fit. I guess it was the cut and maker of the pants. So I stayed in the safe 16's until around November when I discovered that the size 16's I was wearing were getting very loose. I then found that I fit in ALL of the size 16's in my closet. I was there, dude!

Well, I've lost about 12 pounds since that happened and now all of the size 16's are very comfortably loose. I had the urge to try on a size 14, but 2 years ago I told myself I was never going to be a size 14 again (I hadn't been that size for 12 years!) and I donated all of my size 14's to charity. This would now mean that I'd have to make the dreaded trip to the store and actually try on size 14's. I can't face that. I haven't bought new clothes in years because every time I'd try, I'd look awful in them, or they wouldn't fit right, and I'd get terribly down about it and go home hating myself.

Fast forward to this past Monday. I was off from work and decided to get the rest of my size 18 clothes out of the cedar closet and donate them to the Vietnam Vets association that was making a pickup the next day. I pulled the basket of clothes out of the closet and checked the sizes to make sure none of the summer clothes were size 16's which I currently wear. I came across a pair of capri pants that were size 14. Hmmmmmmmm, do I dare to try them on?? I actually looked around to see if anyone was watching (Nobody was home jerk that I was!!!) and got up the nerve to try them on.

AND HEY!!! THEY FIT!!! Not only did the zipper go RIGHT up, but they were "loose in the caboose" if you know what I mean!!! I could not believe it. I wore them around the house for about an hour like a little fool and then changed back into my sweat pants. I told my husband about it when he got home and he asked why did I take them off. I told him "Oh, they fit comfortably then because it was morning, but probably by noon time they would have been a little bit more snug because of the normal water weight my body would have put on by then:

My husband said, "Why don't you just OWN IT, Lizz? Admit to yourself that you earned this new size, you've lost 35 pounds and that means you've HAD to have come down several sizes as a result. Learn to trust yourself now and give yourself the some credit for your accomplishment. Bask in it!"

Wow, what he said was more than encouragement to me. It showed me how he has viewed what I've been up to since last August. It showed me his respect for my efforts and the work I put into it all.

When I got to work yesterday, I emailed Dr. Bernie (the company I work for has a Wellness Dept. headed up by a cardiologist) and told him my size 14 story and reported on losing another 5 pounds. It was listening to one of his lunchtime lectures on weight loss that finally reached me and I walked away from it knowing I was done with being overweight. So I email him every 5 pounds and let him know how I'm doing.

What he wrote back to me was so encouraging that I want to share it with you. He wrote:

"Sometimes hard work and commitment are rewarded. I think we can say that about your weight management program. It is not the 5 more pounds you need to lose as much as it is the 35 pounds you lost already that's the success. You need to believe in yourself and your success. You have made a life style change that will pay dividends in both quality and longevity of life. Remember that every day is a challenge to maintain the healthy life style you adopted. You need to be positive and happy with yourself. I am happy for you!! --Dr. Bernie"

Hmmmmm, I need to be happy with myself. Words to live by. So, to this end, I have decided to stop feeling like a fat person in a thin body that can break out at any time and take over me again. I HAVE made a life style change and am going to try my hardest to hold on to it. I copied his email and have posted it to the wall of my cubicle at work and on my fridge and makeup mirror at home. I feel if I read it everyday, it will continue to encourage me.

I hope it does the same for you!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FINDINGREALME 3/14/2010 12:25PM

    Congrats on the loss! That is wonderful and truly shows all of your hardwork and dedication. Your hubby sounds like a very caring and observant man -- sometimes we need someone else to point out the reality to us. Mine does the same for me...all I see is how far I still have to go but he tells me how far I have come. Maybe someday I will see it as well.

Thanks for a very motivational blog...I will come back to this one often!

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CNTRYMUM2 1/28/2010 5:24PM

    Lizz,

He's right, you deserve to be happy with yourself. It's a HUGE accomplishment what you've done. Look at this way, you didn't think you could fit the 18's, but you did. You didn't think you would fit 16's, but you did. Same for the 14's, they fit NOW, but when they become loose and they will, you will have conquered the dreaded number 14. I have faith in you and if you didn't know it, I'm jumping up and down with my little pom-poms cheering you on.

Big Hugs and lots of cheering for my dear friend Lizz! emoticon

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DELAWICKED1 1/28/2010 10:32AM

    What a motivating and inspiring blog. I really like the words of encouragement that your husband and doctor also added.

Change is hard for all of us. Even when we have proof of it in front of our own eyes we still don't want to believe. Embrace the strong, more lean and smaller you. Believe it, Be it!

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STEVO5O 1/28/2010 10:22AM

    So true Lizz. I'm so happy for you and proud of you. You possess something inside that I want. I need to not only have a goal of losing weight, but I need goals of helping me keep it off, which I've never been able to do. I need to kill "Big Hoss". That was always my nickname. Everybody liked him, including me. It's time to be "little hoss". I have to find my way though. I have found "little hoss" 4 times now...can I keep him this time? Can I finally kill "Big Hoss"? With friends like you and sparkpeople I'm sure gonna work on it.

Comment edited on: 1/28/2010 10:28:52 AM

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DIANN2911 1/28/2010 10:18AM

    THAT IS AWESOME GOOD FOR YOU MY SPARKBUDDY GOING TO WRITE YOU A EMAIL SOMETIME TODAY...WORK HAS BEEN VERY BUSY AND HOME TOO...KEEP UP THE GREAT ATTITUDE IM FINDING THAT MY ATTITUDE HAS ALOT TO DO WITH MY PROGRESS....IM VERY HAPPY FOR YOU emoticon

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StevieCat, Forever in my heart.....

Friday, January 15, 2010

Just in case anyone is wondering, my name is not Stephanie. That's not what my SparkPeople moniker is short for. Stevie was my precious cat for 23 years. I had her for so long that when I first got her, Stevie Nicks was very popular (she still is, but you know what I mean) and I absolutely LOVED her. She was young and beautiful and so was my kitten, so I called her Stevie after Stevie Nicks.

Everyone thought "she" was a "he" because of the name Stevie. One day I was at the vet and the receiptionist told me how cute "She" was. I said "Wow, I can't believe you didn't call her a "He". I named her after Stevie Nicks, I just LOVE her." And the receptionst said "No kidding?" and pointed to the tee shirt I was wearing. It was a huge picture of Stevie Nicks in concert with that gorgeous blonde hair blowing. And I said "oh". :0) LOL

Anyhow, Stevie was epileptic and I'd give her phenobarbitol twice a day. I'd get the prescription filled at CVS Pharmacy, and they'd put her name on the bottle as "StevieCat Smith." So once my beloved Stevie died, my email names have been StevieCat in her honor. She was a very loving cat. I can remember many years ago when I was home singing and packing & happy because we were leaving for Arkansas the next day to adopt an infant daughter, and I got a phone call telling me they changed their minds and we couldn't have the baby. I was home alone, my husband was at work, and I sat down on the couch, stunned, with the phone still in my hand and off the hook. Stevie had been sleeping in an upstairs bedroom but she somehow sensed my dispair and came down the stairs gently, hopped in my lap and nestled her head in the crook of my neck and gave me someone to hold as I sat there in shock and eventually cried.

She also gently stepped into the background when 7 years later we successfully adopted our son and she waited until he was about 2 years old before she brought herself to the forefront again for the attention she had been used to for so many years. She let him walk all over the house holding her from under her armpits and swinging her back and sideways with that drunken toddler walk of his and she'd just go limp and let him love her.

Sick as she was, God gave her a long life and she died 5 years ago at age 23. My husband, son and I grieved for her for months and decided to get a kitten to try and ease the hurt of losing Stevie.

Well, this morning, my cat Petey sprained his leg and was limping like crazy, only walking on 3 legs instead of 4. I called the vet and made an appt. She asked which cat (we now have 3) and I said Stevie Smith. It was a full hour after I hung up that I realized I said Stevie instead of Petey.

StevieCat, my love, you will always be in my heart.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TUFFYBIRD 6/15/2010 10:14PM

    What a wonderful story!!! Pets aren't just animals - they're family members, and I think that just like humans they give love in the degree it's extended to them. StevieCat clearly deserves to be honored. She was obviously a very loving and empathetic little kitty. I'm sure Petey is adorable too, but just like children. they're all special and they all have their own personalities.

I'm glad you had a StevieCat in your life/in your heart and that you were blessed with her presence for 23 years - what a long life for a cat!!!

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PRONTOPUP 3/3/2010 3:32PM

    (Sniff, sniff) Oh your story touched me so...(wiping tears)...I can relate on so many levels. My special, special kitty was a Maine Coon named Kabuki. She was my baby, she would ride on my shoulders and follow me like a dog. She was always there when I needed her (and even if I didn't, lol!). I had to have her put to sleep when she was 17, her health was so bad and she had developed dementia. I was pregnant with my youngest son and I knew that the time had come to let her go, but a very hard thing it was to do. I have three kitties now, I love them all, but no one will ever replace Buki, my special furbaby. (But Mr. Whiskers come close! LOL!)



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Bonnie


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DDOORN 2/4/2010 11:17AM

    We have four cats at present and have ALWAYS had at least three at any given point. They are such special pets and work their way so deeply into our hearts...it's always a terrible loss when one passes on. Thanking our lucky stars that ours are currently all in good health! Cats from the past continue to come up in our thoughts and conversations...

Don

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 2/4/2010 9:41AM

    Where are the pictures?! LOL

Wanna see Stevie and Petey.
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LITTLEWIND53 1/27/2010 1:34AM

    Our pets do take a special place in our hearts. They become part of our families.

I admire that you were able to care for her so lovingly over the years. Cat people are very special people.

And how wonderful that you now have Petey to fill that void. Bless you.

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DARA52 1/26/2010 11:04PM

    What a special bond you had. I've always had a cat. They are all different and all special. So different than dogs. I know Stevie was a very lucky cat. Look how long she lived! That's incredible. Wonderful memories to hold on to.

Dara

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STEVIECAT4 1/15/2010 3:03PM

    Ok, so now I'M the one in tears. You are truly a beautiful person TiggerShakira!

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TIGGERSHAKIRA 1/15/2010 2:23PM

    Well you have brought me to tears because I know exactly how you feel...my name is TiggerShakira because those are my two kitties still living....Muffin my obese, blind, diabetic kitty cat succombed to pancreatic cancer about 5 months ago...I took her from 25 pounds to 12 and have her shots twice a day for what seems like forever...but I would give anything to have her back....she followed me everywhere I went and slept beside me every night and now since she's gone Tigger and Shakira have taken up shop doing the same things she did lol...I used to be a vet tech so the vet I used to work for keeps asking me when I'm going to get me another "fat cat" to rehabilitate but just can't do it yet:(...fyi every animal I have taken in over the years were the ones nobody wanted and couldn't get adopted....most actually already came with their own ailments and diseases....so now he just has to wait til I find another hard luck case on my porch lol

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All's Well That Ends Well.....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

After being off to such a great start with a solid 4 1/2 months of success and feeling quite at ease with my diet, now with only 6 pounds to go, I find myself struggling, I mean reeeealy struggling to complete this journey in my life.

However, yesterday turned out to be good. I struggled all day long trying not to eat wrong and not to eat too much, and while it was "painful", I managed to do it. I plugged away at it and walked away from some food and also took a piece of a pastry from the coffee room and threw it out when I got to my desk. Ok, so I took a small bite before I threw it out, but I threw it out just the same.

I also forced myself to exercise last night. I mean FORCED myself! My 11 year old son is ADHD and he had a meltdown last night and suffice it to say, it wasnt pretty. Nothing major was wrong, just lots of homework and studying for a big tes. Its just difficult for him to get back into a routine of work after being out of school for 2 weeks for the winter break. Once hes back in the groove, these things are fewer and farther apart. But last night..oh, it was very long, very emotional and very hard on me emotionally. I know he'll be back to his routine in about another week...I just have to live that long!!! LOL

So, after all the tears and the making up, and the getting back to the homework and studying, and the struggling not to overeat all day and night long, at 9:00 p.m. I sat on the couch emotionally drained and had what I considered a really good excuse not to exercise. Then, I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, it may relieve the stress. And, more importantly, I thought what a waste all the struggling would have been had I not completed the day with the needed exercise that may have been just what I needed to burn off a pound.

To get myself going, I promised myslef I'd only do half the workout and just exercise for 25 minutes. So I put on the dvd and surprisingly enough, I did my entire 50 minute workout. I started out drained and depressed, and as the first 10 minutes passed, I perked up some. Then my son came in the living room and, goofball that he is, started attempting to do the moves with me. It sort of closed the episode that had happened and brought us back to normalcy and laughter, so Im glad I made the decision to exercise.

I woke up this morning so very glad that I struggled yesterday because now I'm re-motivated. I just had to make it past one day and I did.

It was a tough day and an even tougher evening, however......this morning when I woke up, I felt very successful.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DARA52 1/14/2010 11:22AM

    Hugs to you and what a great way to end the day! Keep on moving as it's the best for you!

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CNTRYMUM2 1/14/2010 9:30AM

    See! You're a stronger woman then you realized. I am SO proud of you. As Moms, we know how challenging it can be and to have a child who doesn't handle transitions very well( I too have one) can drain you so quickly. I'm sending you a pat on the back for a job well done!

If you can handle nights like that, well then you can handle those last few pounds.

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INCUBATORJONES 1/12/2010 11:03AM

  Way to go steviecat!! determination fuels drive and you seem determined to succeed, so I'm sure you'll make it through those last few pounds.

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I had a VERY cool day yesterday!! (and I don't mean the weather!)

Friday, January 08, 2010

Because it was so frigid here yesterday, I went deep into the coat closet and took out my LL Bean thinsulate full length coat. Hadn't worn it since last year and I was so pleased that I was able to zipper it up instead of just snapping the top 3 snaps and holding the rest together like I've had to do in the last several years!! When I got to work, I hung it up in the closet and as I did so, I noticed that the size tag inside the coat said Medium!!! Wow, I haven't been a medium in about 8 years.

Then later in the afternoon when I went for coffee at the coffee station, one of my coworkers told me that she THOUGHT she saw me that morning at the end of the hallway talking to Mr. Barber, but she thought it couldn't be me because it didn't LOOK like me (I'm guessing she meant because I look thinner now). Then she told me that seeing me now in that same outfit as the woman she didn't recognize in the morning, she figured out that it WAS me. LOL. Yes, that was me!!!

Then I got an email from a coworker in a different department telling me that she saw me power-walking around the (inside of) building at lunch time with my iPod on and she wanted to know what the heck I'd done to drop so much weight.

Oh, and my day wasn't over yet....I got home and as I took my coat off my husband walked in the living room and said "Hey....look at YOU!!! You look fantastic. You actually look petite. Way to go babe." I'm not petite, I'm 5'6" tall.

And my 11 year old said "Dad, she's looked like this for weeks now."

OK, so I think I had a VERY cool day yesterday!!! I took the Snackwell mini cookies out of my bag and dumped them in the garbage!!! I wasn't taking ANY chances of not holding on to my current weight even if I could have them on my diet!!!!

7 pounds to go and then the hard part starts......Maintenance!!! But until then, I think I'll bask in the sweetness of yesterday. Those days are few and far apart, but when they happen, it's so encouraging.



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIME4AFITME 1/8/2010 7:02PM

    That is great! You can do it!

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DARA52 1/8/2010 6:46PM

    So cool. 7 lbs to go!! Hang in there!

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DIANN2911 1/8/2010 3:56PM

    I know you can do it and before you know it you will be at your goal....... emoticon

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SUZYQS1 1/8/2010 2:14PM

    Keep it up emoticon

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Ok, so now I LOVE the Wii, but not for the reason you might think!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

My aunt gave my 11 year old son a Wii system for Christmas. In the initial set up, you get to design the characters to resemble you if you want. When he was setting up the my character, he chose auburn hair for me (I'm a redhead) and the eyes and the nose, mouth, etc.

Then he got to the page where you choose the body type and he chose a skinny one for me. I hugged him and said "Oh thank you honey! That was so sweet." and he said to me, "Why? That's what you look like, isn't it?"

WOW!!! What a compliment! I guess I never looked at it that way. I guess I have lately been feeling like a heavy person in a thinner person's body. I'm going to change that perception right now. I still, out of habit, do not glance in mirrors as I walk by them because for the past several years, I haven't liked what I saw. So, I haven't really taken a good look at myself, I just know when my clothing sizes drop down and am ecstatic about that, but I just realized that I'm still afraid to take a look.

I remember when I lost the first 20 pounds, I felt so much thinner because I was working out and could feel my muscles underneath the fat. But having 40 pounds to lose, sometimes it takes 15-20 pounds to lose before it actually shows to others. So, having lost 20 pounds, I felt great. That is until I went to a wedding and my sister took a lot of pictures of me and my husband and then sent me prints. I looked at the pictures and couldn't believe how heavy I still looked!! So I guess I just went back to thinking I felt thin, but I don't look thin.

Now, however, with 33 pounds gone & 8 left to go, I guess it finally shows. I just didn't realize it.

So....I now LOVE the Wii, hee hee hee, and, of course, SparkPeople.com because that is why I am 33 pounds lighter than I was last August. And the main reason I am almost there is my goal buddy 4A-HEALTHY-BMI because she challenged me to do this!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEVIECAT4 1/5/2010 5:07PM

    Note to 4A-Healthy-BMI...
I should have added that I will owe the last 15 pounds to YOU!! Couldn't have gotten this far without my goal buddy!

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TRISHAANN56 1/5/2010 4:01PM

    You know the hardest thing to do is to change how we see ourselves. Good job on the weight lost.

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 1/5/2010 3:52PM

    LOL. Sounds like you and your son have a good relationship, too!

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GRANDMAC--7 1/5/2010 3:51PM

    That was a nice compliment coming from someone that age. They are bruttaly honest on most occasions.

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