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This is whiny but I had to get it out somwhere

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm leaving London one week from today. They only place that I've ever felt like I belong. Where I've learned and struggled and overcome things I never thought I could. Where I was just starting to make a life for myself. A place that I was just beginning to figure out. London has changed me in so many positive ways. I don't want to give up everything here. I don't want to live anywhere else.

I'm sad. I'm so sad. I try to tell myself that since I'm this 'new person' I'll be able to make an awesome life for myself wherever I end up going. But I don't think I believe it. The same way I always knew deep down I wouldn't be able to stay here. I tried to tell myself I'd find a way, but it wasn't possible.

I keep crying. I thought I'd worked it all out of my system in the past couple of months when it seemed inevitable I'd have to move. But its started again. And it hits me at the weirdest times. I didn't cry after my last day of work saying good bye to everyone. I didn't cry at my last PA book club meeting. But I can't be alone. I can't be idle. I'll be watching TV with my sweet dog next to me and then I'll look out the window, its one of the most beautiful days out, and just start sobbing. We have beautiful days in Arizona all the time. But you don't have to work for it. You don't have to trudge through the mud and the rain to get to work or go to the store. You don't have to shuffle across the intersections slowly so you don't slip on the ice encrusted pavement. It makes the beautiful days here so much more meaningful because they're more rare. I love the challenge and chaos of London. And I love who I am when I'm here. I don't want to be the old Stephanie. She's awesome. Yesterday I was saying goodbye to a work friend and she hugged me and told me how awesome I am and how hilarious and that I'm good at everything at the bakery so imagine what I'd be like at something I actually cared about. That Stephanie is awesome. But she doesn't exist in Arizona. There's no place for me there any more. And there's no place for me here.

I feel like I've lost. Like I've failed. All I wanted was to stay here and I'm not. I couldn't accomplish that.

And I'm doing it again. The ugly cry.

I'm just very very sad.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAINBOWCHOC 1/30/2013 4:34PM

    Good luck with the move. I'm sure you will make new friends and the London you will still be there strong and capable.

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CHICCHANTAL 1/30/2013 3:49PM

    Aw. I know how you feel. I've lived in London 27 years and never got tired of it. I agree with Samuel Johnson 'when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life'. Will you be able to get another visa and come back some time?

Maybe you could move to a more interesting part of the States?

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Sunday, January 06, 2013

So I'm being forced to move back to the US because my visa is expiring. It's going to be a VERY difficult transition for me. And I'm bumming pretty hard. I haven't been homesick a single day or experienced any culture shock since moving to London. I love it here so much and it really feels like the place where I'm supposed to be. But I'm trying to stay positive and have faith that the changes that I've gone through in the past 18 months will continue to affect me in a good way, and wherever I end up I'll be able to maintain the incredible life I've been living here. Always an adventure, right?

I also started a new job at a bakery decorating cakes and cookies and things and though it would impact my weight (I haven't had the time to work out since I started in October, I work with cookies and chocolates in front of my face all day, etc) so I just didn't weigh myself for a while. Until today, and it turns out, even after the holidays, I've lost 4 pounds. And I started running again yesterday (3 miles yesterday, 2.5 today). And I'm going to continue doing this and eating well until I move, exactly one month from now, rather than trying to fill up my sad-about-leaving-London hole with cake and pizza!

- Stephy85 caught a glimpse...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNNE242 1/7/2013 8:59AM

    Sorry about your move back to the USA, but you can stay a member of this team and Spark People is big in the USA, so don't worry! Well done on the four pounds weight loss in trying circumstances.

Stay positive!!!

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LALMEIDA 1/6/2013 3:27PM

  emoticon on losing the 4 pounds!

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BELLATRAVELLER 1/6/2013 1:35PM

    Stephy - I'm sorry to hear you have to move away from a place where you're happy at. How does this Visa thing work? I am gonna be in London on the 9th Feb ... Vacation time :D I've been to London in July 2012 too. But I have to admit that I can't imagine myself living there - just too chaotic for my liking.

Decorating cakes and cookies?! That's one of my passions :D I don't do it as much right now but I hopefully will be able to practice more once I'm in my own place in a few months' time.

Well done on losing 4 pounds!

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ELRIDDICK 1/6/2013 12:54PM

  Thanks for sharing

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I know I'll feel guilty about this later but...

Monday, April 16, 2012

I'm eating pizza today and there ain't nothing anybody can do to stop me!

I ran my first 5K yesterday and this is my present to me: Delicious fatty food that is brought to my door hot and cooked by somebody else.

I'll get back on track tomorrow. I really will. I have to continue training for my next 5K which is only 28 days away.

-Stephy has got the moves like jagger

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 4/18/2012 5:08AM

    There's nothing wrong with a treat once in a while. I believe you will get back on track! I bet you are already back on track!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/18/2012 5:09:03 AM

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Grumpy Gus

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I had a pretty strange day, and not in a particularly good way. But I'm trying to stay positive because I have my first 5K race tomorrow.

I did a charity 5k last month but the previous week I had broken a toe and it wasn't a "race" per say, just a fun day of activities outdoors and so I just walked the distance. But tomorrow I run. For as much of it as I can anyway. I've been trying to "train" so that I would be ready and have had some good days and some bad days. I don't expect I'll get a particularly good time but this is only the first of six that I have lined up (one every month) so hopefully I'll start seeing some improvement.

I think I should just go to sleep soon instead of wallowing in my bad mood and then maybe I'll wake up ready to race.

-Stephy is ready to throw some punches

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPHY85 4/16/2012 2:08PM

    Thanks so much it went really well despite the gale force winds and unexpectedly hilly terrain! Definitely doing it again!

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RISINGBLUESTAR 4/14/2012 6:46PM

    Good luck!

emoticon emoticon

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Don't really know how I got here

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I moved to England. All by myself. Left my home and my job. I've been living in London for about a month now. Don't know many people yet, which gets a bit boring, and I miss my friends very much. But for whatever reason I'm kind of in love with this place. It's a scary thing to do; just pick up and leave everything and everyone you've ever known or cared about. I've never been on my own before, so even if it turns out to be miserable and lonely, at least it's something I can say that I did once. In the end I hope it will at least make a good story.

And since I'm finding myself with a lot of spare time, I've decided to recommit to losing weight, the way I did a few summers ago when I wasn't working. I'd really like to lose some weight and then surprise everyone when I go home for new years. I don't have a car and there is a big "walking" culture here anyway so that will certainly help. Plus, it will get me out of the house, not glued to my laptop facebooking with people from back home. Time to explore my new city.

-Stephy is young enough to say: "Oh, got this feeling that you can't fight, Like this city is on fire tonight. This could really be a good life, a good, good life..."

  


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