Saturday, October 16, 2010
So as I sit here at a weight of about 260, I could not be more disappointed in myself. Last year around this time I started doing what I needed to, and lost about 22 pounds. I hit a plateu, and hovered around the weight of 250 for a long time. Then what happened? No excuses, I got lazy. It was "work" to plan and cook my own meals. It was work to exercise when I get home from my 12 hour shift, but there is no excuse. Everyone here deals with these things, and despite obsticles, they are doing what they need to do.
I think I am most disappointed, because knowing that last year at this time I was taking this so seriously and doing pretty good... and if I had KEPT WITH IT, who knows where I'd be right now. That is so frustrating to realize I have let another year pass me by.
I tried to look at the bright side, and to be honest, there isn't REALLY one. But the ONLY thing I could think of... is this time last year I was at my all time high of 272. If I had never done *anything* or lost *any* amount of weight, I could very realistically be about 300 pounds right now. So I am trying to look at that. I am 12 pounds lighter then I was this time last year. To me, that is not an *accomplishment* of any sort, BUT if the alternative is weighing 12 pounds more, I will take it.
I just honestly wonder what is wrong with me. When there is something in my life that I want, I work to get it. I worked/saved up to buy the house I wanted, I worked really hard to train and get the job I wanted. I just have always worked towards things I've wanted, and I want to lose this weight MORE than anything. So why don't I do it? I just can't understand why I am so LAZY. Cause that is all it is, laziness.
I guess in a way, it's easier for me to be fat. It's easy for me to not exercise, it's easy for me to get fast food then prepare something healthy. But then I am starting to realize: It's NOT easy for me to: Find close that fit me. Walk up a flight of stairs. Bring the groceries inside without feeling like I've run a marathon. To feel good about myself because of my weight. To date/meet new people. All of those things are hard for me.
This site has given me ALL the tools I need. I don't know how many times I've said I'm gonna start again, I'm gonna get back to it, and I just don't. So I am disappointed in myself, but my pitty party has to end sometime and I will need to start moving in a positive direction.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
I have only been having them recently, and they are strange LOL. I have had 3 of them. In each one I am thin (or more like medium) and I am so shocked by what I see... but then I still feel fat. I am sure that is because my mind knows that I am NOT at that weight and probably what causes the conflicting feelings in these dreams.
But these dreams do make me realize that I really really want to lose this weight, and I thought I looked pretty good medium LOL ;)
Have any of you ever had dreams like that?
Monday, August 16, 2010
I have spiraled so far out of control, I just feel helpless. So I'm just breaking it down. Step 1 is going to be stop eating fast food (I've been on a fast food kick for almost 2 weeks now, ridiculousness)... or at least cut WAAAAAYYYY back. Step 2 is to get moving. Step 3 will be to actually start tracking everything I am eating and staying within range. It doesn't sound so scary when I break it down I suppose lol.
Friday, August 06, 2010
So basically, when my dad approaches me about my weight issues... I get defensive. The way he goes about it is more like an attack, or him trying to tell me what to do and how to do it, but not in a constructive way.
My brother on the other hand mentioned to me the other day 'hey what if I came over once a week, and we exercised TOGETHER?' This sounded like a great idea. My brother also know when I start exercising and stuff I do really good... but it's *continuing* to do it that I struggle with. So by him coming over just once a week, that'll keep me from stopping exercise altogether (which is when I struggle the most), and might keep me more on track.
I work until Monday then I'm going to Vegas with my mom for 3 days, but when I get back we are going to give this a whirl. I have an awesome park that is across the street from my house and it is a nice park and a nice area, and I've wanted to walk it, but I always think people are looking and judging (I know I shouldn't care, but I do.) But if I have him with me I won't care, and it'll be more fun cause I'll have someone to talk to.
Typically when I'm exercising I start to feel good, which improves my eating habits too... I just need to stop this roller coaster of doing stuff and then quitting and then trying and then quitting. I clearly want this, or I wouldn't still be on Spark... I just need to *do* what I need to do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Haven't been around in a while... and you know that is usually not good. I am lucky that I ahven't really started putting back on the weight (not yet at least). I started at 272, and got down to 250 and have hovered there for a very long time. But I am fully aware that if I go back into my hold habits, I will be 300 pounds in no time, and that terrifies me. I promised myself when I hit 200 that I wouldn't let it get any more "out of control". Obviously that didn't happen. When I finally hit 272 I realized 'holy crap... I am just about to 300'. So that scared me into doing something about it.
I know I have had a hell of a time getting under 250 and that has discouraged me, the closest I got was like 249.something. But I am sitting here thinking 250 is still 1/2 way to 300. So why did 272 terrify me and 250 doesn't? The onyl thing I can think of is I was 250 for a loooooong while before I got up to 272... and I have been 250 for several months now. I think I just got so used to seeing that number it has lost it's significance. Just like I was 205 for honestly, a year or two (hard to keep track now)... and I got so used to that number I just accepted it.
I will never know why I do this to myself, and I have been sooooo against surgery. Dont' take that the wrong way, I totally support and know people who have done it, and it is an amazing life changing thing. It is also very difficult. But in my fit of frustration I even started to think about it the other day. I want so much to do this on my *own* and the "right" way, but I am beginning to doubt myself.
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