Wednesday, September 01, 2010
I have only been having them recently, and they are strange LOL. I have had 3 of them. In each one I am thin (or more like medium) and I am so shocked by what I see... but then I still feel fat. I am sure that is because my mind knows that I am NOT at that weight and probably what causes the conflicting feelings in these dreams.
But these dreams do make me realize that I really really want to lose this weight, and I thought I looked pretty good medium LOL ;)
Have any of you ever had dreams like that?
Monday, August 16, 2010
I have spiraled so far out of control, I just feel helpless. So I'm just breaking it down. Step 1 is going to be stop eating fast food (I've been on a fast food kick for almost 2 weeks now, ridiculousness)... or at least cut WAAAAAYYYY back. Step 2 is to get moving. Step 3 will be to actually start tracking everything I am eating and staying within range. It doesn't sound so scary when I break it down I suppose lol.
Friday, August 06, 2010
So basically, when my dad approaches me about my weight issues... I get defensive. The way he goes about it is more like an attack, or him trying to tell me what to do and how to do it, but not in a constructive way.
My brother on the other hand mentioned to me the other day 'hey what if I came over once a week, and we exercised TOGETHER?' This sounded like a great idea. My brother also know when I start exercising and stuff I do really good... but it's *continuing* to do it that I struggle with. So by him coming over just once a week, that'll keep me from stopping exercise altogether (which is when I struggle the most), and might keep me more on track.
I work until Monday then I'm going to Vegas with my mom for 3 days, but when I get back we are going to give this a whirl. I have an awesome park that is across the street from my house and it is a nice park and a nice area, and I've wanted to walk it, but I always think people are looking and judging (I know I shouldn't care, but I do.) But if I have him with me I won't care, and it'll be more fun cause I'll have someone to talk to.
Typically when I'm exercising I start to feel good, which improves my eating habits too... I just need to stop this roller coaster of doing stuff and then quitting and then trying and then quitting. I clearly want this, or I wouldn't still be on Spark... I just need to *do* what I need to do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Haven't been around in a while... and you know that is usually not good. I am lucky that I ahven't really started putting back on the weight (not yet at least). I started at 272, and got down to 250 and have hovered there for a very long time. But I am fully aware that if I go back into my hold habits, I will be 300 pounds in no time, and that terrifies me. I promised myself when I hit 200 that I wouldn't let it get any more "out of control". Obviously that didn't happen. When I finally hit 272 I realized 'holy crap... I am just about to 300'. So that scared me into doing something about it.
I know I have had a hell of a time getting under 250 and that has discouraged me, the closest I got was like 249.something. But I am sitting here thinking 250 is still 1/2 way to 300. So why did 272 terrify me and 250 doesn't? The onyl thing I can think of is I was 250 for a loooooong while before I got up to 272... and I have been 250 for several months now. I think I just got so used to seeing that number it has lost it's significance. Just like I was 205 for honestly, a year or two (hard to keep track now)... and I got so used to that number I just accepted it.
I will never know why I do this to myself, and I have been sooooo against surgery. Dont' take that the wrong way, I totally support and know people who have done it, and it is an amazing life changing thing. It is also very difficult. But in my fit of frustration I even started to think about it the other day. I want so much to do this on my *own* and the "right" way, but I am beginning to doubt myself.
Friday, June 25, 2010
So I have a super dooper-ly awesome spark friend, she rocks. She's lost 50 pounds and she always listens to me and my nonsense. I am very thankful for her, without her I probably wouldn't even be logging into the site at this point.
I keep saying, "I'm not throwing in the towel"... but the REALITY is that I have already thrown the towel judging by my actions. I was just eating whatever I wanted, and not doing anything. Honestly, I've been in a huge funk lately, and to be honest, I haven't cared about anything. I mean yes, I get up and go to work... but that's pretty much it.
My spark buddy told me to think about what I did before when I was losing weight, and maybe I should work on getting back to that. Well it seems like forever ago that I have actually seen the scale go down. I looked at the cute spark people chart, and it was like nov-jan where I was consistently losing weight. So I had to go back and see what it was that was working for me.
It's pretty simple really. I was exercising about 30 minutes a few times a week... and eating about 1200 calories. (1200 is the lower end of my calorie range). I would put together all my food for the day, and add up the calories. I would make sure it was within range, and once that food was gone for the day I stopped eating. The things I was eating probably aren't the best, but it worked for me. I was eating things like lean cuisines, lean pockets, granola bars, yogurt, 100 calorie packs etc etc.
I will be the first to admit that I am lazy LOL! I work 12 hour shifts, I have to leave at least an hour and a half before work, it takes me 40 minutes to get home, and I work night shift. So by the time I get home it's almost 6am and I just want to sleep. I would force myself to exercise when I came home, even if it was just 20 minutes. I really want to get to where I can get up early before work and exercise, but I have yet to accomplish this. But I wonder why I didn't just stick with it?
I take full responsibility, I am the only one who controls me. But I was getting a lot of garbage at work about lean cuisines, and how that isn't going to help, the sodium content etc etc. Everybody threw in their two cents, and I tried all sorts of stupid stuff. I even tried the "cook your meals for the week" thing, but I'd do it for a week, then it'd become a hassle and I'd stop.
So my spark buddy has made me want to give this another go... and just go back to the basics. If it worked for me before, it should work for me again. :)
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