Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Before, I would only be uncomfortable in certain situations. Like I am always uncomfortable when I'm out (pretty much) because of the looks I get. Grocery store, out to eat, the mall, anywhere pretty much ha ha! But I've noticed that now that my weight is even higher then I'm *used to*, I am honestly uncomfortable all the time.
Even as I sit here. My *two stomachs* are in the way and I just hate it. When I roll over in bed in the middle of the night, it seems like such a production. Going up and down the few stairs in my house feels like a marathon. I am only 24, it shouldn't be like this.
I just can't believe I let it get this far. It's such a strange feeling to be at home, where I am supposed to feel good and safe and all of that, yet I still feel so uncomfortable. The two stomachs need to go. I want to lose enough weight that rolling over in bed is no longer an olympic event ;)
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I think it is at least a *little bit* ironic. So I am the first to say "I've ONLY lost 24 pounds." At this exact moment, it's more like 21 unfortunately... but I started this weight loss journey at my all time highest weight of 272. I got down to 248 and honestly couldn't really tell a difference. My work uniforms were no longer so tight that I could barely breathe LOL, but that was pretty much it.
So I've been totally slacking, no exercise, and not eating like I should. It's like I eat really healthy for 3 days, and then it goes to crap for 2-3 days. The thing I lack most is consistency. So the other day on the scale I was 252... and let me tell you... my work pants got tighter, and I just started to feel uncomfortable.
I find it so ironic that losing 24 pounds felt like pretty much nothing to me, yet gaining back just a few made all the difference in the world! It is definitely a good thing and an eye opener. It's a reminder that I don't want to go back to where I was... and it shows that even if it was "only" 24 pounds, it definitely helped and made me more comfortable in my own body.
Enough talk, I need to put up or shut up lol. I don't want to continue to live like this. I'm done-sies.
Monday, May 31, 2010
I honestly don't know much about them, but I keep hearing about people who just love them. So if you have one, do you like it? What kinda games did you get for it? I don't even have a WII, I mean I could buy a video game or two if I went through with it and got one. But if I did get a Wii, the wii fit is the primary focus. I'd have to save it for a big reward though, cause that is kind of a big purchase. But I thought I'd get some feedback on it first, and who better to ask then my fellow sparkers? :D
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I just got back from 10 days visiting my Gammie (grandma) in Vegas. We had a blast. We went to a Carrie Underwood concert, and gambled, shopped, did puzzles, it was fun. I didn't hit one buffet while I was there... surprisingly I don't care for those too much LOL. I'd rather just have my burger and fries or whatever and call it a day. Needless to say I didn't bother sticking to any plan. We ate out a lot, almost to the point where nothing sounded good ha ha!
Here comes the TMI Alert though. So the squeemish (spelling?!) can turn away now ;) I felt sooooooooooooo icky. I had burgers, and chicken and french fries.. it was all pretty much fast food. What is funny is, the reason I am so overweight to begin with is because I constantly ate fast food. So I don't know how this was any different. But my stomach hurt and I had the worst gas ever. (Told ya, TMI ;) It was out of control. Luckily it was just my grandma, so she doesn't care, but it was ridiculous.
On top of that, I had some hardcore realizations while I was there. I always joke with my Gammie (who is overweight herself) that Vegas is the only place I feel skinny. I live in LA, and although it depends on where you go, you typically see nothing but skinny people. So I always end up sticking out like a sore thumb. Well if you are on the Vegas Strip, it is a lot of those skinny stick people. But my Gammie and I go to the casino by her house, and that is where the "locals" go. I would never make fun of another persons weight, so please don't think I mean it like that... but that is why I have said in the past it makes me feel skinny. But the reality of it was, seeing all these people who outweighed me by at least 100 pounds, I was terrified. I felt bad for them knowing they are going through the struggle that I am. But it was also an eye opener for me. If I throw in the towel now at around 250ish.. (started this journey at 272) I will be right up there at 300 pounds and beyond. It just scares me because I crumble easily. I have known people over 300 pounds who have fought their way back and lost amazing amounts of weight, and continue to do so. But I worry about that if that were *me*, I would never find that strength to change. I have a horrible time even now being 250. I always go back to when I was 200 for so long, and if I had tackled it then I wouldn't be in the position I am in now.
So needless to say, I am done-sies. I can't go on living like this. I was shocked that I didn't really enjoy the food I was eating. At one point I was sick of the fast food and just wanted a frozen burrito lol. I felt like I had eaten everything, jack in the box, carls jr, in n out, del taco... and I realized it was just food. Did it taste good? Sure. But the gross feeling I got after and the fact it honestly hurt my stomach made me realize it's just not worth it. Not to mention that the $$$ really adds up when you are eating out all the time.
I am going back to see my Gammie in the first week of November for sure... I might go sooner depending on a lot of things... but I want to lose some more weight before I go back there. I'm not gonna sit here and make all these goals because I have been really crappy about following them. For right now I just want to focus starting to track my food, and starting up the exercise again. Then I will go from there. But this trip really made me realize that no food is worth feeling the way I feel right now... and that if I don't do something now, I will be up over 300 pounds in no time at all.
Friday, May 14, 2010
First off, a side note... I honestly want to say thank you to anyone who has ever commented on my spark page or spark blogs. It truly means a lot to see a comment. I've noticed quite a few people mentioning they never get respones to their stuff... and so I am EXTRA thankful to those who take the time to comment! :D
I decided just the other day that I refuse to settle for being the fat girl. Now I know that may sound silly that I *just* decided this the other day. I have been trying to lose weight for a very long time, so isn't that the same thing? Honestly... in my mind I have this fear that no matter how much I lose I will always *feel* like the fat girl. Now I must say, I could care less what other people think of me or my weight. Even the skinniest people in the world have someone who thinks thhey are fat... so that part doesn't phase me. I just worry that even at 150 I will still *feel* like the fat girl, and that scares me.
Lately I have been thinking that I *might* feel really good at 180. I don't want to settle for that weight, but I haven't been under 200 pounds for at least 5 years. Just getting under 200 is going to be a huge accomplishment for me if I can pull it off. If I feel great at 180, then yay, that's amazing. But I decided the other day I will not settle for feeling like the fat girl. So my weight loss goal up until this point has been 150. Then it was get to 180 and see what happens and try and go for more. At this point my new weight loss goal is "the number that appears on the scale when I am feeling great about myself." I want to feel great about the way I look, I want to feel good on the inside, and I want to be able to do normal activities without getting totally out of breath. I don't want to worry about finding clothes that fit, and I don't want to worry about "will I fit in that booth?", "will I fit on that roller coaster?" So that is my new weight loss goal. I know in my heart that it'll fall somewhere between 150-180... but I will know it when I get there.
I haven't been doing great by any means lately, but I fully refuse to settle for being the fat girl for the rest of my life. So I am hoping this is the beginning of a new attitude and way of thinking. :D
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