STEPH-KNEE   70,023
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I can't believe I am admitting this...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I guess by admitting it, and putting it out there, I'm hoping I will finally be accountable.

It has been two weeks since my friend passed away. In those two weeks, I have only gone to his funeral, and gone to work. If it wasn't for work I doubt I would have done anything, and I am thankful for my job and my friends I have at work. My house is ridiculously messy. I would honestly be so embarassed if someone stopped by. I never let me house get to the "embarassingly messy point" but that is where we are at. I've been working a lot, but that is NO excuse. I just haven't felt motivated to do anything.

My brother finally made me go to the grocery store the other day so I'd have food in the house. Unfortunately I still haven't been eating health. I gained back those 1.4 that I "lost", but I knew that would happen. Eat crap and don't exercise for two weeks, it's bound to happen LOL.

I am not looking for a pitty party, I am just venting ;) I have no excuses. I have not cared about anything, and this has to stop. I miss my friend, but it's not like I will miss him any less if I clean my house. I know he would want me to take care of myself, and my house.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't cry much. To be honest, I'd sometimes cry on the way to work, I'd always cry on the drive home (work is hard because I'm a dispatcher, he's a deputy I would always hear him on the radio and interact with him... so still getting used to that)... and sometimes at work as well. So I am doing a little better with that.

I leave for Vegas on Saturday. It isn't 'woohoo party-time vegas'.... it is visiting my Grandma Vegas. But we are going to see Carrie Underwood and I am going to be there at least a week (I'm off Vegas for 2). I will be so happy to get out of this place and try and take my mind off some of this. However I NEED to get my house in order before I leave. I also need to get my eating under control. Because I am staying at my Grandma's house, I don't have to worry so much about eating bad, because I will have her kitchen. So I am hoping that I won't come back a million pounds heavier. I also will be bringing my exercise dvd.

I just need to get back in this, because I know if I start gaining back the weight I have worked pretty hard to lose, it's only going to throw me deeper into a funk.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SANDY3169 5/12/2010 6:36AM

    I am wishing you "Peace", I know it is hard to find when we are grieving. I lost my 2 year old niece on January 4th of this year. It has taken me till now to start working on me again. I still grieve a lot for her, she lived right next door. But, I know I have to do this.
I think a good visit with your grandma will help. Enjoy your time and learn about you again. ((hugs))
Sandy

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AMBERDUNN 5/12/2010 6:34AM

    I just wish I could find you and hug you, but since I can't I'm sending this virtual one. emoticon


It is going to take time and its hard. The best thing you can do is try to find people who understand and will be there for support. I spent years in a downward spin because I refused to deal with several deaths of people around me. I hit the 270s because food was my only comfort. Just try to take it a day at a time, and cut yourself some slack.

Hope your trip is a good one and that you come back feeling better and ready to move forward.

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KATHIERAE 5/12/2010 5:07AM

    God be with you in this time of adjustment and grieving! I am also a dispatcher and can only begin to imagine what a tough time you are having. Melodysparkles is right that prayer helps, but sometimes we need a person to lean on as well. Please don't be ashamed or afraid to get some grief counseling, or at the very least keep reaching out to people around you. I'm glad you get to go spend some time with your grandmother... take care of yourself!
emoticon

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MELODYSPARKLES 5/12/2010 1:41AM

    Grief is an individual thing, its painful to loose the ones we love. But he would be saying to you, now come on...it's time to get yourself in order, I know you are sad, I know you miss me, but my memories of you and I will always be there....

Praying really does help, to ease the pain, release your anger, and be grateful and thankful at the same time. We all have obstacles in our paths, some of the contestants on Biggest Loser, lost loved ones while on the show...but the show still had to go on...

Good luck, and enjoy yourself with your grandmother, cherish her...

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1 little comment can make all the difference :D

Sunday, May 09, 2010

This weekend at work we have free dress in honor of mother's day. Now in my uniform, I look exceptionally huge because the pants are made for men (they didn't have women's ones back when I got those, they do now, I need new ones) and we tuck in our shirts and just... it's a nightmare. I was wearing jeans and this new black sweater/shirt type thing. It like goes around my neck, it had 3/4 length sleeves.. I can't really describe it but I like it. Well after working 12 hours and it's time to go home, one of the day shift ladies said 'You look great!' It totally caught me off guard. Especially after working 12 hours, you certainly don't *feel* great... but little did she know she made my day.

I've been pretty down in the dumps about lots of stuff, especially weight loss lately. I still feel like I've "only" lost 20 something pounds. But I keep thinking, I am so relieved that I have 24 pounds that are no longer clinging to me. I hope to keep going and break 30 pounds soon. Things are looking up little by little.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICAT63 5/10/2010 7:26AM

    emoticon it's great to get an out of the blue compliment. Whoa 24 pounds, they are gone be-bye I always say: Look forward not back, be proud Sista !!! emoticon

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AFERRARI 5/9/2010 10:27PM

    You are great for losing the 24 pounds. that is amazing. And I bet you did look great. congratulations. Hope you had a great day

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WEIGHTING4BABY 5/9/2010 9:32PM

    i bet you did look great! I can't wait to be YOUR weight!!! lol

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YESIWILLDOIT 5/9/2010 9:18PM

    emoticonI think you you look great too!
YOU are a very lovely lady who can
describe her outfit very well!
Enjoy the rest of your day... emoticon
Blessings~Janet

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I *lost* 1 1/2 pounds... WTF?

Saturday, May 08, 2010

Okay, before you totally laugh at me, let me just say I am absolutley not complaining.;) I am just honestly amazed. Over the past 10 days, I have done nothing but eat fast food. I have not cared about much of anything lately (and some of you already know why), and it was just easier to do that. I finally went to the grocery store the other day, so I could get a grip and stop eating fast food. I have fully been expecting a good 5 or so pounds to attatch themselves to me. I got on the scale this morning to kinda assess the damage, and I was surprised to realize I've lost about a pound and a half. That makes no sense to me. I have not exercised, and I have only eaten crap.

The only thing I can think of, and this is pushing it... is I probably was in my calorie range because I was basically eating once a day (because I eventually had to force myself to eat *something*). Even then, I know what I've put my body through is so unhealthy. Maybe the weight is just taking to time to jump back on, but I am still shocked. I know people who are busting their behinds exercising and counting calories and only losing a pound, or nothing at all. So this was very shocking to me.

I guess I should just take it and try and run with it though... before the weight catches up to me ;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICAT63 5/9/2010 7:55AM

    emoticon one pound and a half I will take it !!! emoticon I know at times you think you have lost and you have gained & vice versa. Just go with the flow I say.

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MOMMYBYCHOICE 5/8/2010 9:49PM

    take the loss sweetie.... sorry about any stressors you are facing just rest in the fact that they to will pass.

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NANC304 5/8/2010 9:41PM

    Sorry you've been struggling with whatever it is that's bothering you. Good luck on the 1 1/2 pounds. A loss is a loss!

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I need to stop being ridiculous...

Friday, May 07, 2010

So it's been about 8 days since a friend of mine passed away. He has literally broken my heart. I am sad for me, at the loss of my friend, but the thing is he was only 27 years old. He was a deputy (a very good one who made more arrests then anyone at the station), and he was married to the love of his life. His wife is expecting their first child. I didn't know anyone who was more excited about being a father then he was. My heart is just completely broken for his family, and especially his wife.

I can't really say I've been eating a BUNCH of food, cause the amounts aren't that much. However, I had not been to the grocery store (until today) and I have eaten pretty much nothing but fast food. This stops tonight. No matter how much my heart hurts, the food isn't going to help anything. It's not even so much that I wanted the fast food, it was more like I just don't care about anything. I don't want to cook, I just want to do nothing. Thank goodness I have work to go to, or I don't think I really would have left the house.

The only problem with work is, I am a dispatcher. So I am constantly reminded that I won't hear my friend on the radio. Or I won't get to type him little messages when he is working. In addition to that, he passed away in an off duty traffic collision... and it happened in the same area where he worked. Last night there was a call I had to put out, and it was the exact place of his crash. My heart went out to the deputies who had to go to that call, and the fact that it is on a main street and they are constantly driving past it.

I know it'll get easier in time, but it is still so brutal. I honestly have been blessed that I haven't had to deal with a lot of deaths. The only one that really got to me was my great grandma but I was in elementary school.

I just need to remember that if I start gaining the weight back that I've already lost, I will only get more upset and even more down in the dumps. I haven't gained a pound yet, but I know they are just waiting to pounce. The way I've been eating I definitely have a gain in my near future.

Finally went to the grocery store today, it was more because my guinea pigs desperately needed more veggies to eat. I bought a bunch of lean cuisine's and lean pockets. While those aren't exactly the best thing ever, it's a step up from the fast food. So I hope I can work on starting to get back to normal.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANC304 5/8/2010 9:45PM

    My heart goes out to you and the family of your friend. I understand now how you ended up losing that 1 1/2 pounds. (I read this blog after today's.) It's good that you went to the store so you can start eating healthier again. emoticon

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ANGELAT125 5/7/2010 6:20PM

    I know your pain, unfortunately death has been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl, my Dad died when I was four years old and my entire life people I love very much have died, accidents and suicides (all family)...the pain never goes away completely, time just gives you distance from the initial raw emotions...you (and his wife and family) will be in my prayers.

I know your friend would want you to take care of yourself, he would not want you to be unhealthy and unhappy..take care of yourself!!


Angela emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/7/2010 6:26:46 PM

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CHICAT63 5/7/2010 9:07AM

    emoticon I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I know the situation well, three years I lost a colleague and two weeks later I lost my spinning partner both killed in car collisions. As always it is the hardest for the survivors, his wife I am sure it well surrounded & supported and their child will be much loved. You should be proud how you care handling things, you took a big step in going to the grocery (even if your hamster was starving *smile*). Rest assured things will get easier, not much but easier. Take care, Josée

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STEPH-KNEE 5/7/2010 3:34AM

    Thank you so much!! :)

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CHANNYLEE07 5/7/2010 3:08AM

    I'm so sorry for you for the lost of your friend, I couln't even imagine how that feels. But I am praying for you and I pray that the Lord conforts your heart and your friend's family heart too.
emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/7/2010 3:08:44 AM

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I have *no concept* of what I look like...

Sunday, May 02, 2010

So, I've just realized I have no concept of what I look like... and it's two totally opposite extremes.

So when it comes to like my *face*, I see myself (in my mind) as I looked about 50 pounds ago. I also realized what I do... and I realized I seriously am looney tunes. We all know the famous myspace angles when we take pictures (my favorite angle btw).. and I have just realized I do it in the mirror. WTF? I kinda like tilt my head down lower, I think it's mainly cuz I don't want to see my double chin? I don't really know. I didn't even realize that I do that until today. But when I look at myself from that angle, I don't think I look *so* bad... but then I looked at myself in the mirror straight on (as you should ha ha) and I was like EWWW. I don't even recognize that person looking back at me. In my mind, my face looks just as it did 50 pounds ago. That was definitely an eye opener.

Now as for my body, it is the total opposite. At 250 pounds, it is no secret I am a rather *large* person. However, as far as my body goes, my mind thinks I am faaaaaar bigger then I actually am. Like when I have to squeeze in some place, or I am sure I won't fit... I do fit.

I went out to dinner with my brother and my uncle. So I am sitting in the booth (there were no sides, it was in the center of the room).. so my brother is sitting across from me, and my uncle is waiting to bring over the food. I slid to the far side of the bench, and I made a joke to my brother (I meant it, but just disguised it in the form of a joke)... "He'd better sit with you, if he sits down next to me I'm gonna fall off and land on the floor". That was my way of saying there isn't going to be enough room for the both of us. My brother rolled his eyes at me and said "You over-estimate your width haha!" He didn't offend me or anything, my brother and I have a good relationship... but I thought it was interesting he said that. My uncle sat next to me anyways, and we had plenty of room.

So I just find it amazing that in one aspect (my face), my mind thinks it is smaller/different then it is, however my mind thinKs the rest of my body is far larger then it is. I have issues! LOL!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIDKROSE 5/2/2010 1:50AM

    I definitely know what you mean about body distortion! Ha ha. For me, it is both face and body that I think are smaller than they are. Even when I look at myself in the mirror full on, no funny angles, I think I look decent most of the time. But in pictures, it is completely different! I think I look atrocious in most pictures, and way huger than I realized.

Why is the mirror and camera so different? So strange...ha.

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PTCAKES 5/2/2010 12:45AM

    When I see photographs of myself, I am shocked at how I look. It is never pretty.

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