STEPH-KNEE   68,678
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I need to stop being ridiculous...

Friday, May 07, 2010

So it's been about 8 days since a friend of mine passed away. He has literally broken my heart. I am sad for me, at the loss of my friend, but the thing is he was only 27 years old. He was a deputy (a very good one who made more arrests then anyone at the station), and he was married to the love of his life. His wife is expecting their first child. I didn't know anyone who was more excited about being a father then he was. My heart is just completely broken for his family, and especially his wife.

I can't really say I've been eating a BUNCH of food, cause the amounts aren't that much. However, I had not been to the grocery store (until today) and I have eaten pretty much nothing but fast food. This stops tonight. No matter how much my heart hurts, the food isn't going to help anything. It's not even so much that I wanted the fast food, it was more like I just don't care about anything. I don't want to cook, I just want to do nothing. Thank goodness I have work to go to, or I don't think I really would have left the house.

The only problem with work is, I am a dispatcher. So I am constantly reminded that I won't hear my friend on the radio. Or I won't get to type him little messages when he is working. In addition to that, he passed away in an off duty traffic collision... and it happened in the same area where he worked. Last night there was a call I had to put out, and it was the exact place of his crash. My heart went out to the deputies who had to go to that call, and the fact that it is on a main street and they are constantly driving past it.

I know it'll get easier in time, but it is still so brutal. I honestly have been blessed that I haven't had to deal with a lot of deaths. The only one that really got to me was my great grandma but I was in elementary school.

I just need to remember that if I start gaining the weight back that I've already lost, I will only get more upset and even more down in the dumps. I haven't gained a pound yet, but I know they are just waiting to pounce. The way I've been eating I definitely have a gain in my near future.

Finally went to the grocery store today, it was more because my guinea pigs desperately needed more veggies to eat. I bought a bunch of lean cuisine's and lean pockets. While those aren't exactly the best thing ever, it's a step up from the fast food. So I hope I can work on starting to get back to normal.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANC304 5/8/2010 9:45PM

    My heart goes out to you and the family of your friend. I understand now how you ended up losing that 1 1/2 pounds. (I read this blog after today's.) It's good that you went to the store so you can start eating healthier again. emoticon

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ANGELAT125 5/7/2010 6:20PM

    I know your pain, unfortunately death has been a huge part of my life since I was a little girl, my Dad died when I was four years old and my entire life people I love very much have died, accidents and suicides (all family)...the pain never goes away completely, time just gives you distance from the initial raw (and his wife and family) will be in my prayers.

I know your friend would want you to take care of yourself, he would not want you to be unhealthy and unhappy..take care of yourself!!

Angela emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/7/2010 6:26:46 PM

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CHICAT63 5/7/2010 9:07AM

    emoticon I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I know the situation well, three years I lost a colleague and two weeks later I lost my spinning partner both killed in car collisions. As always it is the hardest for the survivors, his wife I am sure it well surrounded & supported and their child will be much loved. You should be proud how you care handling things, you took a big step in going to the grocery (even if your hamster was starving *smile*). Rest assured things will get easier, not much but easier. Take care, Josée

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STEPH-KNEE 5/7/2010 3:34AM

    Thank you so much!! :)

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CHANNYLEE07 5/7/2010 3:08AM

    I'm so sorry for you for the lost of your friend, I couln't even imagine how that feels. But I am praying for you and I pray that the Lord conforts your heart and your friend's family heart too.

Comment edited on: 5/7/2010 3:08:44 AM

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I have *no concept* of what I look like...

Sunday, May 02, 2010

So, I've just realized I have no concept of what I look like... and it's two totally opposite extremes.

So when it comes to like my *face*, I see myself (in my mind) as I looked about 50 pounds ago. I also realized what I do... and I realized I seriously am looney tunes. We all know the famous myspace angles when we take pictures (my favorite angle btw).. and I have just realized I do it in the mirror. WTF? I kinda like tilt my head down lower, I think it's mainly cuz I don't want to see my double chin? I don't really know. I didn't even realize that I do that until today. But when I look at myself from that angle, I don't think I look *so* bad... but then I looked at myself in the mirror straight on (as you should ha ha) and I was like EWWW. I don't even recognize that person looking back at me. In my mind, my face looks just as it did 50 pounds ago. That was definitely an eye opener.

Now as for my body, it is the total opposite. At 250 pounds, it is no secret I am a rather *large* person. However, as far as my body goes, my mind thinks I am faaaaaar bigger then I actually am. Like when I have to squeeze in some place, or I am sure I won't fit... I do fit.

I went out to dinner with my brother and my uncle. So I am sitting in the booth (there were no sides, it was in the center of the room).. so my brother is sitting across from me, and my uncle is waiting to bring over the food. I slid to the far side of the bench, and I made a joke to my brother (I meant it, but just disguised it in the form of a joke)... "He'd better sit with you, if he sits down next to me I'm gonna fall off and land on the floor". That was my way of saying there isn't going to be enough room for the both of us. My brother rolled his eyes at me and said "You over-estimate your width haha!" He didn't offend me or anything, my brother and I have a good relationship... but I thought it was interesting he said that. My uncle sat next to me anyways, and we had plenty of room.

So I just find it amazing that in one aspect (my face), my mind thinks it is smaller/different then it is, however my mind thinKs the rest of my body is far larger then it is. I have issues! LOL!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SIDKROSE 5/2/2010 1:50AM

    I definitely know what you mean about body distortion! Ha ha. For me, it is both face and body that I think are smaller than they are. Even when I look at myself in the mirror full on, no funny angles, I think I look decent most of the time. But in pictures, it is completely different! I think I look atrocious in most pictures, and way huger than I realized.

Why is the mirror and camera so different? So strange...ha.

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PTCAKES 5/2/2010 12:45AM

    When I see photographs of myself, I am shocked at how I look. It is never pretty.

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Caught By The Food Police: Part 2

Monday, April 26, 2010

It's not even what you think, I got caught by the food police while eating healthy food. If you saw my other BLOG, I had a friend who wanted me to go on a super strict, no processed food, no sodium diet. I have already told her that I am no longer on the diet, so she would get off my back. It is true, I am off the diet, because as we all know diets don't work anyways. But I have been eating a lot of the foods that she suggested for her "diet". She caught me eating the food, and she got all excited again.

Mind you, I just want her to leave me alone LOL. She is like 'what are you eating there?' I tried to say quickly that I had previously told her that I wasn't able to do it *strict*, and she didn't say much.

Later she cornered me, and she was asking me if I was going to do the diet. I told her no... I said I told her I couldn't do it strict, and made a joke about it being too hard. She is my friend (believe it or not) lol, and so the conversation wasn't vicious. But she just went back to the 'if you aren't gonna do it strict, why do it all.' I told her I didn't mind counting calories and what not (I wanted to saying eating healthy, but she doesn't listen anyways), and she is like that is not gonna work blah blah blah. I just laughed. I said 'it may not work AS FAST as your diet, but it definitely works...' and I just got out of the conversation. I was done-sies.

^That was all yesterday.

So then today she sees me with a diet coke, and she was like 'is that a diet coke you are drinking? naughty girl haha!!' I just responded with 'I told you I wasn't doing your diet silly.' I just sort of scurried away after that.

She has a short attention span, so another week or so and she will hopefully have forgotten all about it;)

In other news I stepped on the scale this morning to reveal a 249.2, which is the lowest I've been in at least two years!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVILKLOWN 4/28/2010 6:51AM

    I'm with you. Those stupid "diets" don't fly ... you can't maintain them. Why go through all that trouble when counting calories and eating healthy is what doctors have been saying for 100 years? AND, it actually WORKS ... AND you can maintain it. What is it about this simple answer that peeps don't understand?

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CHICAT63 4/27/2010 9:31AM

    It's a process and not diet.....Oh boy don't particularly like this friend of yours *lol* - she is known as the saboteur. Congrats on your weight, feel greats doesn't it and she is not telling you what to do HA even better you're doing it your way. Keep at it, Josée emoticon

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MAGA99 4/27/2010 7:56AM

    condrads on the scale going down

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AFERRARI 4/26/2010 9:47PM

    I think we all have those people in our lives. You are doing great and Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!! Now maybe she will see you are losing the weight and want to follow in your footsteps. Keep up the great work

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STEPH-KNEE 4/26/2010 9:34PM

    LOL! She is just driving me nuts. I heart her, or else I would be more angry, but I just can't deal right now. I also ordered dinner tonight, it's just a sub sandwich, because I don't have enough food for tonight. Plus they rarely go somewhere that isn't super greasy, so I took advantage. Well *she* was going to get the food for all of us (since we aren't allowed to leave the property for our breaks/lunch) and she made a joke that she wasn't going to get me food, and she joked 'I already told you what to eat'. I said I know, but I'm not doing it, and I didn't bring anything :-p

I hope her ADD kicks in soon, cuz I'm gonna lose my mind =/

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WEIGHTING4BABY 4/26/2010 8:22PM

    ugh!!!! this girl annoys me! lol

she IS the stinkin food police! gr!!! show her that you can lose weight doing YOUR diet... :)

Comment edited on: 4/26/2010 8:22:35 PM

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Realizations... and wondering why we are so much harder on ourselves...

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I will never truly understand why we tend to be so much harder on ourselves. I have lost 20 pounds in about 6 months, and instead of being proud I am disappointed. I know my body, and I know if I were consistent, I would have lost at least double that in the last 6 months. I constantly tell myself I have ONLY lost 20 pounds. But what is funny is, if anyone else told me they lost 20 pounds (even 5 or 10 for that matter), I am super happy for them, super excited, and super proud. The fact that anyone can take the proper steps and drop any form of weight is a great accomplishment. But when it comes to myself, I always am harsh, and think of how I could have done more, and could have done better. I am working on that.

I hovered around 260 for about a year. I go through these *phases* where I try and lose weight, then I give up, gain more, and go throught he 'I don't care phase.' No mind you, even in the I don't care phase, I am still miserable about my weight... but I don't take any action I against. I just go with the flow. Well my I don't care phase lasted about a year. A year of no exercise, eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I stayed at 260 that entire year. I was never thrilled with the number, but I got so used to seeing it I didn't think about it.

One day in probably September I got on the scale and saw a number of 272, I was mortified! I wasn't mortified so much at the fact I had gained the 12 pounds, but the fact that I was now 28 pounds away from 300 was a total shock to me. I started honestly *trying* to lose weight in November, and I have slacked off and on throughout this entire journey. I am trying to pick up and get moving and trying to be consistent and form this healthy lifestyle we all want.

I finally realized today, that I may have *only* lost 20 pounds so far, and still have 70-100 to go, but I could still be 272 today. Even worse, I could be 300 today if I didn't take any action and kept down the path I was on. So I am *finally* proud to say I am glad I have lost 20 pounds, and I can't wait for the next 20, and the 20 after that;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGA99 4/26/2010 1:48PM

    very tru words
we need to focus more on how far we've come n less on how far we have to go

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WEIGHTING4BABY 4/26/2010 7:26AM

    you keep that 20 off and add 20 more to it no matter how slow it goes:) then another 20..then another!

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CHICAT63 4/26/2010 7:09AM

    I could have written the same blog; I felt the same way this past weekend but you know what? We need to focus on our victories and not our defeats truly in some ways there are not defeats we are making the efforts of getting healthy and losing weight is part of the equation. Have a great week and keep it up ! emoticon

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KIWIFISH 4/26/2010 6:42AM

  It is very true - we all beat ourselves up over not making enough progress, or are not doing it as fast as we would like. I think it is great that you have decided to be gentler with yourself and take pride in your achievements. You are doing great, keep it up! =]

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Am I the only one who hates the food police?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I hate them with a passion LOL. The problem with me is I am far too open. I have come a long way and have gotten better at trying to keep my big mouth shut. The problem is, I end up announcing my plans to people, and then when I break them, I get lectured. Now, I do totally suck for breaking plans... but I still haven't thrown in the towel for this weight loss journey. This is probably the longest I've gone without throwing in the towel. I'm at about 6 months now, and while I am disappointed I've only lost about 20 pounds (at my weight it should have been a lot more), I am proud that I haven't thrown in the towel. About this time I would just say forget it, and start reverting back to old ways.

My friend I mentioned previously, who lectured me on being strict, eating pretty much 0 sodium and no processed food is still on my back. I just want her to leave me alone, so I just told her I was so over it. The truth? I am not going to do it strict, but I did like the idea of eating 5-6 small meals, I did like the fact I'm supposed to have a protein, good carb and veggies. I did like trying to eat lower sodium foods... and I have just prepared (and am still preparing) red potatoes, hardboiled eggs (for breakfast) and veggies for the week. But I am not even going to bring it up, because even if she sees me eating those things I know she will say "You aren't going to do it strict, so what's the point?" She will never understand that just getting me to eat 5-6 small meals is a break through in itself.

Did I go out to dinner tonight? Yes. Did I splurge? Yes. I'm about to go to the food tracker and access the damage LOL, but the difference is that I am going to log the food... the "old me" would have just said don't worry about it, what's done is done. But I do want to see where I stand... I am now to a point where I want to *own* what I've done. I want to see it, learn from it, and do better.

So food police, leave me alone... I don't need a lecture, I don't need you to ask if I *should* be eating that... don't worry about me. I have come a long way... maybe not in *actual weight loss*, but in building and shaping a new *me*!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALITTLERUSTY 4/25/2010 7:56PM

    You have to find what works for you, not what works for your friend. If those restrictions make you head off the deep end, then it's not for you. emoticon

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JANEE12 4/25/2010 5:09PM

    I think 20 pounds in 6 months is great! You should ask her if she has gotten a job to be your new policewoman the next time she nags. Wow! What a control freak! Keep on going and good for you!

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CHICAT63 4/24/2010 7:38PM

    Ah, the negative people at times we have around us !!! Don't let this person affect you, one of my best friends is the same way her fiancé is a boxing coach ya think she'd be in shape or healthy often she gives me advice on cooking *lol*. You are to be proud, you've lost 20 pounds so far always look forward and not back. emoticon

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JUST_JENNA 4/24/2010 8:45AM

    What you eat is no one's business but your own! Besides, I think this overly attentive behavior can actually make us feel and therefore eat worse.

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WEIGHTING4BABY 4/24/2010 7:01AM

    well next time be like... "yeah, well I wanna keep this weight off FOREVER. Gotta do it the healthy way. Wink wink!" haha

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STEPH-KNEE 4/24/2010 6:47AM

    Love you!;) She drives me crazy, because she already has. But the difference is she honestly only has 20 pounds to "lose", and she loses and gains it constantly. She can't even zip up her work pants at this point ha ha.

And you are so right, if I can't do it for the long haul, it's essentially useless.

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WEIGHTING4BABY 4/24/2010 6:38AM

    wait til this chick gains her weight back because she stopped being "strict".....

it has to be something you can do the REST of your life.

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