Friday, May 07, 2010
So it's been about 8 days since a friend of mine passed away. He has literally broken my heart. I am sad for me, at the loss of my friend, but the thing is he was only 27 years old. He was a deputy (a very good one who made more arrests then anyone at the station), and he was married to the love of his life. His wife is expecting their first child. I didn't know anyone who was more excited about being a father then he was. My heart is just completely broken for his family, and especially his wife.
I can't really say I've been eating a BUNCH of food, cause the amounts aren't that much. However, I had not been to the grocery store (until today) and I have eaten pretty much nothing but fast food. This stops tonight. No matter how much my heart hurts, the food isn't going to help anything. It's not even so much that I wanted the fast food, it was more like I just don't care about anything. I don't want to cook, I just want to do nothing. Thank goodness I have work to go to, or I don't think I really would have left the house.
The only problem with work is, I am a dispatcher. So I am constantly reminded that I won't hear my friend on the radio. Or I won't get to type him little messages when he is working. In addition to that, he passed away in an off duty traffic collision... and it happened in the same area where he worked. Last night there was a call I had to put out, and it was the exact place of his crash. My heart went out to the deputies who had to go to that call, and the fact that it is on a main street and they are constantly driving past it.
I know it'll get easier in time, but it is still so brutal. I honestly have been blessed that I haven't had to deal with a lot of deaths. The only one that really got to me was my great grandma but I was in elementary school.
I just need to remember that if I start gaining the weight back that I've already lost, I will only get more upset and even more down in the dumps. I haven't gained a pound yet, but I know they are just waiting to pounce. The way I've been eating I definitely have a gain in my near future.
Finally went to the grocery store today, it was more because my guinea pigs desperately needed more veggies to eat. I bought a bunch of lean cuisine's and lean pockets. While those aren't exactly the best thing ever, it's a step up from the fast food. So I hope I can work on starting to get back to normal.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
So, I've just realized I have no concept of what I look like... and it's two totally opposite extremes.
So when it comes to like my *face*, I see myself (in my mind) as I looked about 50 pounds ago. I also realized what I do... and I realized I seriously am looney tunes. We all know the famous myspace angles when we take pictures (my favorite angle btw).. and I have just realized I do it in the mirror. WTF? I kinda like tilt my head down lower, I think it's mainly cuz I don't want to see my double chin? I don't really know. I didn't even realize that I do that until today. But when I look at myself from that angle, I don't think I look *so* bad... but then I looked at myself in the mirror straight on (as you should ha ha) and I was like EWWW. I don't even recognize that person looking back at me. In my mind, my face looks just as it did 50 pounds ago. That was definitely an eye opener.
Now as for my body, it is the total opposite. At 250 pounds, it is no secret I am a rather *large* person. However, as far as my body goes, my mind thinks I am faaaaaar bigger then I actually am. Like when I have to squeeze in some place, or I am sure I won't fit... I do fit.
I went out to dinner with my brother and my uncle. So I am sitting in the booth (there were no sides, it was in the center of the room).. so my brother is sitting across from me, and my uncle is waiting to bring over the food. I slid to the far side of the bench, and I made a joke to my brother (I meant it, but just disguised it in the form of a joke)... "He'd better sit with you, if he sits down next to me I'm gonna fall off and land on the floor". That was my way of saying there isn't going to be enough room for the both of us. My brother rolled his eyes at me and said "You over-estimate your width haha!" He didn't offend me or anything, my brother and I have a good relationship... but I thought it was interesting he said that. My uncle sat next to me anyways, and we had plenty of room.
So I just find it amazing that in one aspect (my face), my mind thinks it is smaller/different then it is, however my mind thinKs the rest of my body is far larger then it is. I have issues! LOL!
Monday, April 26, 2010
It's not even what you think, I got caught by the food police while eating healthy food. If you saw my other BLOG, I had a friend who wanted me to go on a super strict, no processed food, no sodium diet. I have already told her that I am no longer on the diet, so she would get off my back. It is true, I am off the diet, because as we all know diets don't work anyways. But I have been eating a lot of the foods that she suggested for her "diet". She caught me eating the food, and she got all excited again.
Mind you, I just want her to leave me alone LOL. She is like 'what are you eating there?' I tried to say quickly that I had previously told her that I wasn't able to do it *strict*, and she didn't say much.
Later she cornered me, and she was asking me if I was going to do the diet. I told her no... I said I told her I couldn't do it strict, and made a joke about it being too hard. She is my friend (believe it or not) lol, and so the conversation wasn't vicious. But she just went back to the 'if you aren't gonna do it strict, why do it all.' I told her I didn't mind counting calories and what not (I wanted to saying eating healthy, but she doesn't listen anyways), and she is like that is not gonna work blah blah blah. I just laughed. I said 'it may not work AS FAST as your diet, but it definitely works...' and I just got out of the conversation. I was done-sies.
^That was all yesterday.
So then today she sees me with a diet coke, and she was like 'is that a diet coke you are drinking? naughty girl haha!!' I just responded with 'I told you I wasn't doing your diet silly.' I just sort of scurried away after that.
She has a short attention span, so another week or so and she will hopefully have forgotten all about it;)
In other news I stepped on the scale this morning to reveal a 249.2, which is the lowest I've been in at least two years!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I will never truly understand why we tend to be so much harder on ourselves. I have lost 20 pounds in about 6 months, and instead of being proud I am disappointed. I know my body, and I know if I were consistent, I would have lost at least double that in the last 6 months. I constantly tell myself I have ONLY lost 20 pounds. But what is funny is, if anyone else told me they lost 20 pounds (even 5 or 10 for that matter), I am super happy for them, super excited, and super proud. The fact that anyone can take the proper steps and drop any form of weight is a great accomplishment. But when it comes to myself, I always am harsh, and think of how I could have done more, and could have done better. I am working on that.
I hovered around 260 for about a year. I go through these *phases* where I try and lose weight, then I give up, gain more, and go throught he 'I don't care phase.' No mind you, even in the I don't care phase, I am still miserable about my weight... but I don't take any action I against. I just go with the flow. Well my I don't care phase lasted about a year. A year of no exercise, eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I stayed at 260 that entire year. I was never thrilled with the number, but I got so used to seeing it I didn't think about it.
One day in probably September I got on the scale and saw a number of 272, I was mortified! I wasn't mortified so much at the fact I had gained the 12 pounds, but the fact that I was now 28 pounds away from 300 was a total shock to me. I started honestly *trying* to lose weight in November, and I have slacked off and on throughout this entire journey. I am trying to pick up and get moving and trying to be consistent and form this healthy lifestyle we all want.
I finally realized today, that I may have *only* lost 20 pounds so far, and still have 70-100 to go, but I could still be 272 today. Even worse, I could be 300 today if I didn't take any action and kept down the path I was on. So I am *finally* proud to say I am glad I have lost 20 pounds, and I can't wait for the next 20, and the 20 after that;)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
I hate them with a passion LOL. The problem with me is I am far too open. I have come a long way and have gotten better at trying to keep my big mouth shut. The problem is, I end up announcing my plans to people, and then when I break them, I get lectured. Now, I do totally suck for breaking plans... but I still haven't thrown in the towel for this weight loss journey. This is probably the longest I've gone without throwing in the towel. I'm at about 6 months now, and while I am disappointed I've only lost about 20 pounds (at my weight it should have been a lot more), I am proud that I haven't thrown in the towel. About this time I would just say forget it, and start reverting back to old ways.
My friend I mentioned previously, who lectured me on being strict, eating pretty much 0 sodium and no processed food is still on my back. I just want her to leave me alone, so I just told her I was so over it. The truth? I am not going to do it strict, but I did like the idea of eating 5-6 small meals, I did like the fact I'm supposed to have a protein, good carb and veggies. I did like trying to eat lower sodium foods... and I have just prepared (and am still preparing) red potatoes, hardboiled eggs (for breakfast) and veggies for the week. But I am not even going to bring it up, because even if she sees me eating those things I know she will say "You aren't going to do it strict, so what's the point?" She will never understand that just getting me to eat 5-6 small meals is a break through in itself.
Did I go out to dinner tonight? Yes. Did I splurge? Yes. I'm about to go to the food tracker and access the damage LOL, but the difference is that I am going to log the food... the "old me" would have just said don't worry about it, what's done is done. But I do want to see where I stand... I am now to a point where I want to *own* what I've done. I want to see it, learn from it, and do better.
So food police, leave me alone... I don't need a lecture, I don't need you to ask if I *should* be eating that... don't worry about me. I have come a long way... maybe not in *actual weight loss*, but in building and shaping a new *me*!
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