STEPH-KNEE   71,678
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Doing What's Right For You & Getting Away From What's Wrong...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013



This weight loss stuff is hard enough without all the outside influences that we have. Do you live with someone who keeps junk in the house? Do you have that friend who won't stop bugging you to go out to dinner? Do you have Negative Nelly's telling you that you can't lose the weight and keep it off? We all have some negative force in our lives, and sometimes that force can be removed entirely, but many times it has to be dealt with on a daily basis.

That is what I am doing today, I am taking back my control of MY journey and I am no longer letting outside forces mess with my mojo. I have been a fan of the Biggest Loser Challenge here on Spark for a long time... I thought it was something I would always do but I was wrong. As I am struggling and trying hard to regain my footing, the thought of letting down a team with my gains was causing me even more stress, which meant even more eating and even more gaining. There are some personal reasons for me leaving mid round, things that were out of my control and the way some things were handled, but those are not to be shared on a public blog.

Another thing was my current war with the scale! I have been a daily weigher for most of my journey. I am the first to say I support daily weighers, and a lot of the time it had positive affects on me. So please, no lecturing on how you aren't supposed to weigh each day, many people do it successfully without issue and EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. But for me, there were the times in between that it would cause me more harm than good. Every couple of weeks if it wasn't doing what I wanted, I would get very down on myself. It was these phases back and forth, the love/hate relationship with the scale and it was making me crazy. emoticon I have put on a few pounds but that is not why I am at war with the scale. The problem was that I would have 2 good days and be hoping that the scale would start dropping. Well that isn't the case and it is going to take a lot more than 2 good days to get it rolling in the right direction. It was very discouraging. The Biggest Loser Challenge requires a weekly weigh in and with someone trying to get away from the scale that is added stress that is only holding me back.

With that, I have decided to give my scale to my brother to take home with him, and I am going to TRY (I can't make any promises emoticon) not to weigh in until January 1st. emoticon This does not mean that I am burying my head in the sand to avoid seeing any possibility of a gain... it is to reprogram my mind. To remember that the scale is not everything! To avoid getting on the scale sometimes 3 times a day and stressing myself out. To pay attention to how my clothes fit. When I was a size 24 I could gain a massive amount of weight without my clothes feeling different. Now with my pants I gain around 7 pounds and I can feel how snug they are. It's great to be able to FEEL what is going on without needing the scale to let me know. It is also going to be a time of focusing on ACTIONS and not weight.

My challenge to myself, is to use the 49 days left in this year to my advantage and to have more good days than bad days. I have assigned "free days" to the following days. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve & 2 days of my week long Vegas vacation. That comes out to 7 days which is actually a large portion of 49 days. My hope is that by seeing I have a full week to indulge over the course of 49 days, that I will try that much harder on the regular days so that I can come out on top! More good days than bad days is all I am looking for. I wanted a streak, I wanted perfection, but this is about progress not perfection. So goodbye BLC, goodbye scale, goodbye stresses associated with the scale.. and hello good food habits, positive vibes, and lots of exercise! emoticon

So at the end of the day, do what is best for YOU. If someone doesn't have your best interest at heart or is negative... leave them behind. If you can't do that make sure that you stand up for yourself, and never lose sight of what is important for you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NASFKAB 11/24/2013 10:49AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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5KGRANNY 11/22/2013 2:50PM

    Stephanie you have come such a long way!!! emoticon I'm glad you are true to yourself and putting your journey before the stresses others put on you.

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CERTHIA 11/19/2013 2:56AM

    emoticon emoticon
Great plan; good food habits, positive vibes, and lots of exercise! Count me in! I've been slacking lately, I've been in a somewhat dark place, so it's time to get back on track.

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SCOUTMOM715 11/18/2013 9:42PM

    emoticon emoticon

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IMAGINE46 11/18/2013 8:56AM

  I know exactly how you feel. Glad you are back on track. emoticon

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JRRING 11/16/2013 11:20AM

  emoticon

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SUEPERWOMAN 11/16/2013 8:39AM

 
Thank you for this!

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WALKIN4JEANIE 11/16/2013 7:31AM

    Well said!

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PLUGINALONG 11/16/2013 7:15AM

    Thanks for sharing a very insightful blog. I, too, need to step back for the scales. So, between all of us Sparkers, we can do it. Keep encouraging each other and we will get there. Happy Day to you.

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SUZIPAM1 11/16/2013 6:17AM

    so true

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KITTYCAT64 11/15/2013 9:57PM

    You are doing great. I am sorry for your struggle with the scale. Been there, done that. But you don't have to be perfect. You just have to show up. Hugs, Cathy

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WORKNPROGRESS49 11/15/2013 8:12PM

    emoticon

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JAYDEE1211 11/15/2013 5:12PM

    We certainly have to find what works for each of us. I too have lost a bit of weight and I still have people telling me how I could do it better. My journey is to reclaim health and movement to become more mindful and present in my life. You have to take advice for what it is and go your own way. Best wishes.

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N2LAW1 11/15/2013 4:02PM

    WELL SAID....HIGH FIVE TO YOU!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RENATA144 11/15/2013 3:51PM

  Absolutely true. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRUDIP1 11/15/2013 3:41PM

    Thank you! Excellent blog. Much helpful info in there. Must read again, and again in a little while. Lots to think about, and lots to implement. You will do great!

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MLEHTO 11/15/2013 3:18PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GRLTAZ 11/15/2013 2:21PM

    You have a plan. Best of luck which you will not need if you follow through. emoticon I hope to see that progress in Jan for you. TC

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ROXYCARIN 11/15/2013 1:58PM

  I agree

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RUNNINGYOGINIRE 11/15/2013 1:16PM

  emoticon

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SUZIPAM1 11/15/2013 1:13PM

    well done

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DKSRN626 11/15/2013 12:22PM

    emoticon emoticon
I needed this blog today! I think you have found the true essence of life. We all need to take control and respondsibility of our own lives. Different programs, challenges and websites, while being great resource, encouragement, and support, are only guidelines and only work if they work for you. Kudos fto you for taking control and making sparkpeople your own. I am just starting to really delve into the sparkpeople website and using it more and find I am really liking its setup. Thanks again for this blog!

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THOMS1 11/15/2013 12:14PM

    Good blog and I too need it today! Have a good weekend and stick to your guns. emoticon

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JESSWAHOO 11/15/2013 12:14PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MELAFYAIYAI 11/15/2013 12:12PM

    Thank you! So many of us needed to hear this message today! emoticon

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ANNROW0354 11/15/2013 12:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ADPITHERESA 11/15/2013 12:00PM

    I read this post today and it was exactly what I needed to hear after a week of frustrating setbacks and weight gain! Then I went and read your story- you are amazing! Best of luck with the latest scale challenge. I hope you find it liberating!

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REBIRTHDIVA 11/15/2013 11:37AM

    emoticon emoticon I had to take my power back from my scale, too. The stress was keeping me stuck.

Much success to you! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHKIRK 11/15/2013 11:31AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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IMAGINE46 11/15/2013 9:35AM

  emoticon emoticon

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 11/15/2013 8:53AM

    I enjoyed your blog. Love your attitude and resolve. You are an inspiration!

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KANOE10 11/15/2013 7:40AM

    emoticon Good luck on your new healthy goal until Jan, You can do it. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and making choices that are right for you.

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IRISH421 11/15/2013 7:30AM

    All I can say is "WOW!" What an awesome blog! 'WOW'! This really gave me some things to think about. I have been trying to get back on the Spark and this has really given me something to think about. WOW emoticon

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SUNNYBEACHGIRL 11/14/2013 11:16PM

    Hope that you are having a good day today.

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EILEEN828 11/14/2013 10:59PM

    New angles to try can always be positive. It will work or it will show you what doesn't. I hope it works for you the way you want it too. All I know for sure is that the path is not a straight one on this journey. It takes all kinds of tricks to work for all kinds of people. The best thing about this is that you are not stuck in rut and are still looking for answers that help you. Onward my friend!

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SNOWYOGA 11/14/2013 10:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMINGSHAY 11/14/2013 9:46PM

    Very well said! Thanks for that! Awesome blog and great points about that awful scale! LOL

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FLMOMX2 11/14/2013 9:19PM

    STEPH-KNEE this is a great blog!! emoticon emoticon emoticon You are an awesome woman. This spoke to me as I've struggled this year with my weight.

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CAROLJ35 11/14/2013 8:59PM

    I needed to read this. One challenge team dropped me because I didn't get my weight recorded at the right time - and that was due to internet prroblems. When they started a new challenge, I was not allowed back on the team I preferred and had been on for some time.
That sure squelched my enthusiasm!
I'll do it on my own.

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THEVOW2013 11/14/2013 8:43PM

    its normal girly.........zig zag weight loss journey, I swear I have lost and gained 60 lbs while ridding my beautiful frame of 130 lbs. no lecture here but a tip....focus on another goal like tracking emoticon your food daily or exercising x amount of times and measure your success that way for a while the scale will move

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DEBSZOO74 11/14/2013 8:20PM

    emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 11/14/2013 7:56PM

    Stay strong and fight on!



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AMARILYNH 11/14/2013 6:45PM

    Stephanie, I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience with the BLC Challenge. I'm going to ask you not to give up on BLC - for many of us it is a POSITIVE experience that enhances our weight loss journey.

There is a visual picture I got from someone here on SP that I MUST do a blog on because it is SO VERY RELATIVE to our journey!! It shows one arrow going straight and true from a bigger number to a smaller number. Then it has one that goes up and down and sideways - but it still stays on a downward trajectory. THAT is how most of our weight loss journeys are!! Is it what we want? NO!! We WANT that other arrow. But this is real life and in real life stuff happens!!

That is where you are on your journey! You haven't failed at all - you got a little off track. You know what? You can eat and exercise PERFECTLY for a week and have a gain on the scale. And when that happens, THAT is when you need a team of friends supporting you and loving you and encouraging you. And if it happens three weeks in a row? Then you need that support even more!!

Two of my very favorite quotes (I'm sure you've heard them from me) come from Winston Churchill: "Never, never, NEVER give up!" and Babe Ruth: "Its hard to beat a person who never gives up!"

That's YOU baby - you are NEVER giving up!! You WILL succeed!! And when you reach your next goal, be it 5 pounds or 10 pounds or whatever, we will all be RIGHT HERE cheering you on!! Because you have touched our lives with your honesty as you shared your journey with us!! You ROCK!!!! Hugs, Marilyn emoticon emoticon

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JILLIANISREADY 11/14/2013 6:40PM

    I loved that blog. I totally understand -- I been gaining but yet losing inches (but of course didn't keep track at first.. so i started this week -- better late then never)
I love that you set aside free days.. setting yourself so you can hold yourself accountable and not fail or get discouraged!! GOOD for you.

Keep up the good work and we need to take control of our OWN journey. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIBBYG7 11/14/2013 6:00PM

    You're beautiful --- inside and out!!!
Well done!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOTUSBURGER 11/14/2013 3:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ADF1981 11/14/2013 3:42PM

    Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing what you feel is right in your journey! Sounds like leaving the group and saying goodbye to the scale for a while is a good plan. I weigh twice a week and if I splurge I will skip a weigh in or two to give myself time to bounce back. I've done the daily weigh ins before and it messed with my feelings. It's hard for me to not weigh sometimes, but I notice I am happier the less I step on the scale and also find it easier to go longer avoiding the scale too. Hang in there and keep going! Thanks for sharing.

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HAPPYSMILE14 11/14/2013 2:32PM

  Thank you so much for your advice!! I have been through very many negative experiences due to my massive weight gain and it is often hard for me to even have positive thoughts re: waking up every day.
I shed tears reading the bad experiences you endured but your advice really makes me feel hopeful. Thank you for truly brightening my day!!

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MOLLIEJEAN2 11/14/2013 12:46PM

    emoticon , I agree with you about this weight lose journey is for you not for others. What works for one doesn't always work for others. I know you can do this and believe that you will find your way back to where you want to be. emoticon

I'm finding it hard to keep up with the BLC myself since I have been sick for a week now and it doesn't seem to make much of a difference to the team.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEREMC 11/14/2013 12:42PM

  your blogs always hit me right were I am living. I also sometimes weigh multiple times a day but recently have been only weighing once a week. I also have experienced the new ability to feel when I have gained a little in my new smaller clothes. I know you can do this and that jan 1 will be a great day for you. emoticon emoticon

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Know When You're Kidding Yourself!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013



The most important thing for me in my weight loss journey isn't about what foods I do and do not eat, it's not about how much exercise I get in... it's not even about that willpower thing everyone always fusses about... nope! What is the most important to me is being honest with myself and being aware of when things aren't going so well.

You see, I didn't get up 272 pounds without some ignorance... because you know, ignorance is bliss right? I couldn't possibly be "that big" right? When I would see a picture of myself I would always be shocked... well maybe it's just a bad angle right? Well of course that is so wrong, but when you have put on that much weight and are overwhelmed, sometimes you just bury your head in the sand and you let it go.

I even lost 40 pounds 3 or 4 times, only to gain it back. This happened by lying to myself. "Oh it's okay, you ONLY gained 10 pounds back, you will be okay." Each time I proceeded to gain back the entire 40 and it brought friends too!

I found myself slipping into this when I had my 6-awful-eat-whatever-you-want-weeks a few months back. I kept lying to myself and trying to trick myself and build up that beautiful ignorance bubble again. I kept telling myself "You aren't giving up"... when all I was doing was eating like my 272 pound self and not exercising... but I kept insisting that I was still trying... even though I wasn't! I kept telling myself "You aren't going to gain the weight back, you got this." But I kept doing all the habits that got me to my highest weight! The first 5 pounds came on and I kept saying to myself and my mother "It's ONLY 5 pounds, it will come right back off!" Well okay, that's true, it WILL indeed come back off, IF you do the WORK. I seemed to forget that detail as it spiraled into 10 pounds. I told my mom "it's only 10 pounds, it'll come back off" and she ever so politely said "yeah that's what you keep saying." At that exact moment it didn't register, not until the 10 pounds became 11 and something inside me snapped. 11 pounds could easily turn into 40. Not in a matter of days, but over a few months I could be back to square one. That is when I realized I was kidding myself. Saying that I wasn't giving up and saying that I wasn't going to gain the weight back didn't do anything for my waistline or the scale. Excuses don't burn calories unfortunately... and I was just spiraling out of control.

I got that under control, lost that 11 pounds and moved forward. Until Halloween. I have been struggling since Halloween... each day I get up and declare "This day is going to be a good day!" Sometimes it was, I have had good days here and there, but some days ended with me crashing and burning. I found myself trying to build up that ignorance bubble again!



The excuses were flying all over! "The holidays are coming up, they are rough for everyone!" "It's totally normal to gain weight during the holidays, you won't be the only one!" "Maybe you can just worry about maintaining and start losing again at the beginning of the year!" The list went on and on. I kept eating like I did before I started this journey and was trying to find a way to justify it. But finally that little bubble popped and I remembered it is not okay. It is okay if I want to gain back my 80 pounds and reach an all time high weight... but it is not okay for the new healthy body that I want to have!

I took a long hard look at some of my "before" pics. Sometimes, when you have a lot of weight to lose... you still feel fat even though you've lost a lot of weight. Around 190ish is where I stand right now, and I am by no means small... but I am also nowhere near how I was at 272 pounds. It's the craziest thing because some days I feel small... and other days I feel like I have so far to go and I haven't made much progress. Allowing myself to take a long hard look at those pictures really helped snap me out of it. Not only was I much larger, you could tell I was physically uncomfortable and I often looked unhappy even though I was with great friends at the time. I may not have been an unhappy person, but I was never a happy person when the camera was out... and that is a sad thing. I don't wish for those days to come back, which means I can't live my life that way. So the ignorance bubble is popped, holiday time is not an excuse to eat everything and pack on the pounds, and I am dusting myself off and moving forward. I start off each day with the best intentions, some days I win, and some days I lose, but as long as I keep trying, and keep being honest with myself, I will get through this. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BANNERMAN 6/18/2014 12:11AM

  Thanks for sharing.

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CATNCAG 5/2/2014 5:06PM

    emoticon Very inspirational! It's funny when I see pictures of myself I too think, "Am I really that big?" emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LORIVIOLA 4/7/2014 8:46AM

    thanks for the great blog
i have put on a few pounds— i need to go pop my ignorance bubble too!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRAMPIAN 1/22/2014 4:17PM

  Good luck! emoticon

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MAYBER 12/26/2013 12:00AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LETHANIA 12/4/2013 11:41PM

    I GOTTA TELL YOU unagi made my day! LOL

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MRSRIGS1 12/2/2013 6:29PM

    I have been there....lying to myself. Thank you for sharing and I'm rooting for you! emoticon

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JAIMESIZED 12/1/2013 10:50PM

    I absolutely fell in love with this blog because you reminded me of myself. I also have recently popped the ignorance bubble. So proud of you! :)

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G33K10V3 11/18/2013 8:56AM

    I am rooting for you BIG TIME over here!! I totally understand everything you have written especially the part about still feeling big after I've lost almost 80 pounds now and it is because I AM still big!! emoticon
Just woooosaaaaah and every little decision you make that is a good decision will all add up and you KNOW you can do it!!!
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JOANNHUNT 11/17/2013 9:22PM

    AWESOME BLOG. IT IS GREAT THAT YOU REALIZED BEFORE YOU WERE TOO FAR OUT OF CONTROL AND HAD A LONG WAY TO GET BACK TO HEALTHY. CONGRATULATIONS. KEEP PUSHING AND ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY.



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BABYSTEPS123 11/17/2013 12:51PM

    Thank goodness for popping bubbles and renewed and clear perspective! Hang in there! You can get back on even footing as you make those good choices! Rooting for you!

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FRABBIT 11/16/2013 11:39PM

  Great blog! Keep up the good work.

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MOTIVATIONFOUND 11/16/2013 11:20AM

    Boy have I been there - in the ignorance bubble. It can be challenging, difficult and even painful to pop it, but it's 100% worth it.

Like you said, as long as you're honest with yourself, you can do this!

Great blog.

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TRUDIP1 11/15/2013 3:48PM

    Keep good records, not just of the weight, but of the emotional journey too. You can write a book at the end of your journey, you are good with words!

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WHITEANGEL4 11/15/2013 10:23AM

    Great, honest and to the point

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AMYSYOKO 11/15/2013 9:41AM

  thank you, I really needed to hear this, especially at this time of the year with all the holidaze coming up

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/15/2013 7:23AM

    emoticon

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ROSEHIP:-) 11/15/2013 12:19AM

    emoticon

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ROXYCARIN 11/14/2013 11:27PM

  I agree

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EILEEN828 11/14/2013 10:49PM

    Being honest is not easy, in fact it can be brutal. That is it's plus and minus. The goal for the holidays is to make it a normal day. Shame on the retailers for making it a season that is full throttle at all times. ti does begin to erode your good intentions and normal habits. Try your best to shrink it back from a season to a day. It's better for your pocket book as well.

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BRENDAGAIL9 11/14/2013 10:43PM

    emoticon

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LAURANCE 11/14/2013 9:03PM

  Oooohhhh, thank you for reminding me to be honest!
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HEALTHYSLIM2 11/14/2013 4:50PM

    Oh boy - a great blog!!! And I love your UNAGI!!
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The first step in the right direction is always clearly seeing where we are. From there, we are able to make good ("the right") choices.
Best of luck with the consistency and remember you're not alone! That this is something SO MANY (dare I say ALL of us?) struggle with, holidays or no holidays!!!!
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You've come so far, and I see more SUCCESS just around the corner from you, too!
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CHICAMIMI 11/14/2013 3:43PM

    I can totally relate to this post and the feelings that can come about when mindless behavior takes over. I think it is so great that you are aware of it and working on it -
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40PUDDLEJUMPER 11/14/2013 1:45PM

    emoticon

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EFFECT25 11/14/2013 1:15PM

    I am so gonna put it in my facebook profile!! hahaha

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SJKENT1 11/14/2013 12:48PM

    Popping the bubble for me too.

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HELEN_BRU 11/14/2013 12:24PM

    Wow! You have a lot of support here. I am with you 100%. It's so important not to give in and make excuses. Holidays are excuses to go off course. Just don't do it!

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DAISYBELL6 11/14/2013 12:02PM

    I am in exactly the same place you are right now! Even the numbers are the same. You have helped pop my bubble!

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THEIS58 11/14/2013 11:53AM

    Thanks

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SPARKBJOK 11/14/2013 11:45AM

    Definitely agree!

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BROOKLYN_BORN 11/14/2013 11:25AM

    Ah yes, the excuses we make. We overestimate our exercise and underestimate our portion size. We avoid the scale so we don't get bad news.

When we have family members who enable our excuses, it's even harder to stop making them. "You don't want to be a size 0, do you?" You're strong and healthy, your weight doesn't matter, you can CARRY it"

Why would I want to carry it? Without honesty, we can never be successful.

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LISA_FRAME 11/14/2013 10:51AM

  emoticon

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LUCYTMCM 11/14/2013 10:43AM

  Thanks! I needed that.


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LUCYTMCM 11/14/2013 10:41AM

  Thanks ! I needed that !


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ISABELLE31 11/14/2013 10:27AM

    emoticon

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JDFAN448HS 11/14/2013 10:01AM

    emoticon emoticon who hasn't been there. Thanks for bringing
this today. I needed the wake up call. Cheers, C emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/14/2013 10:02:09 AM

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GINGERGAL12 11/14/2013 9:57AM

  emoticon emoticon

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SHANTRA7 11/14/2013 9:42AM

    I'm rooting for you.

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BLPRETTYGIRL1 11/14/2013 9:15AM

    emoticon

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INGMARIE 11/14/2013 8:54AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JRRING 11/14/2013 8:41AM

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DNRAE1 11/14/2013 8:04AM

    Oh my, I've been in that bubble for 6 months now and have gained back the weight I lost……..aargh! Thank you so much for your blog! I needed a good look at reality, so thank you again.

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AGIGS22 11/14/2013 7:36AM

    thank you for sharing this and for the reminder that we're all human, not perfect, and that this is a journey that requires honesty!

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MOXYCAT 11/14/2013 7:29AM

  one meal at a time -- one day at a time --- ---- emoticon

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HAPPYMENOW58 11/14/2013 7:23AM

    Well said! Keep going! You've got this!

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CHERYLHURT 11/14/2013 7:12AM

  emoticon

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OLGA18 11/14/2013 6:53AM

  This all just rings so true for me. Thank you for sharing it!

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PENOWOK 11/14/2013 6:51AM

    We are counting on you!! You CAN get this going again!!

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NEWTINK 11/14/2013 6:19AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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My Diabolical Super Power!

Saturday, November 09, 2013


The time has come for me to reveal to all of you my Super Power! emoticon The thing of it is, my power is used for evil, and not good! That is why I haven't shared it with you guys in the past... it is not something that I am proud of, that is for sure. Without further ado... I have this power, where once I set my mind on something I want to binge on, I have laser sharp focus on it until the binge occurs. emoticon

So we all know I have gone round and round with Binge Monster, often losing to him... and my super power definitely benefits that mean ol monster! I figured out I had this power about 2 years ago. You see, prior to that I never really fought the urge to binge. I wanted Tommy's, or a bag of chips? Done. But once I started to control my weight I could no longer accept these urges as normal behavior, and I had to put more effort into fighting them. The thing of it is, I can fight it, to a point. I have postponed these urges as much as 2 weeks, but it never fully leaves my mind.

More recently I have even found myself just accepting these things, without even realizing it. I start thinking to myself "No you don't need Del Taco, just get over it and move on." But then the super power kicks in and I find myself saying "You know that it's in your head, you know it's only a matter of time until you give in... why postpone the inevitable? Just go ahead, get your Del Taco... because if you don't today it'll just be tomorrow, so why wait?"

Can you tell I just finished my Del Taco? The bigger slap in the face is that I decided last night I would do a 1400 calorie (or less) streak from today til Thanksgiving. I started out the day strong and then I threw it all away by going through the Del Taco drive thru. I have been going through these ups and downs for the past 2 weeks or so. A good day here and there, 2 bad days, another good day... but I can't get a streak of good days under my belt. The good news is I am still here, and I am still fighting. If I wasn't still fighting it would have been 2 weeks of nothing but eating non stop and hanging out on the couch. Sparky got his walk today, I am drinking my water, but my calories are so big they need their own zip code!


So what am I going to do about this super power? I don't think it is something I can simply shut down... I believe it is just too powerful. But I have decided I need to harness this energy into something GOOD instead of evil. I focus on the specific food I was craving until I finally have the sweet (and bitter) release of having said food... so what I need to do is use that laser sharp focus to eat well, to complete an exercise program, to do something POSITIVE for myself and my weight loss journey.

I haven't exactly fine tuned my plan yet, and am not 100% sure how to proceed. For example: I took Sparky for a walk before I went to Del Taco, in an attempt to clear my head and all I kept doing was thinking about what I would order when I got there after the walk. I told myself 3 times not to go, and my response to myself was always "If you don't do it today, you'll do it tomorrow, so just get it over with." Maybe when the urge pops up for said food I will have an activity to go along with it. My urges are almost always fast food related (yeah, I have issues LOL), so I could make a list of my top 5 fast food places and I could attach an exercise to each of those places. And not just something simple I already do, but something that is really going to push me out of my comfort zone and make me work. And each day that I really feel myself fighting the urge, I will do the exercise. Since these urges can last 2 weeks maybe I need 2 activities for each place. I will work on that tonight.

All I know is, right now, at this very moment, this super power is the cause of many of my bumps in the road. If I can find a way to use my powers for good instead of evil, I think it could be my biggest asset moving forward in my weight loss journey.

Do you have any super powers? (Good or evil)

emoticon Countdown to 2014: 53 days
Current Weight: 191 emoticon
Goal Weight: 179

Edit: I just wanted to say this isn't something that I deal with on a daily basis. It is something that can happen once or twice in a month, or can be gone for 3 or 4 months at a time. I tried to share it in a "fun" type of way... mainly for accountability but blogging it out actually helped me to start coming up with an action plan for those instances where this does come up, so I'm glad I did share. :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORIVIOLA 4/6/2014 3:17PM

    emoticon good idea!

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GRAMPIAN 1/17/2014 6:46AM

  Your plan sounds good: hope it works. emoticon

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WHITEANGEL4 12/14/2013 10:03PM

    Love the blog. Keep going

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MRSRIGS1 11/27/2013 4:32PM

    Thank you for sharing! This shows you are human and like all of us, struggle from time to time. Keep in mind, you CAN beat this!

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EFFRAYECHILDE 11/17/2013 1:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JOANNHUNT 11/16/2013 3:15PM

    I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. MY BINGE STARTS WITH STRESS. WE CAN BEAT THIS IF WE SET OUR MINDS TO IT. ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY.



emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BABARR67 11/12/2013 1:04PM

    Yes! I see my weight creeping. I started at 284, my lowest was 153 (for about a minute) and I've been maintaining between 160 and 170 for almost 2 years. But this past month or so I've been over 170. I want to be under 167 and stay there. I have jeans that fit me there. I like those jeans! I can't seem to get the hang of consistency, which every single weight loss book, blog, workshop etc tells us is key to maintenance. Like you... I plan to keep trying. Today I am excited to see a plastic surgeon to investigate the possiblilty of removing excess skin and firming. I wanted to be in my range when I went and was working very hard at it. I got stuck at 173, then over the weekend I ate with abandon-- my excuse-- that we had the kids for the weekend... Lack of sleep combined with baking cookes= guaranteed eating of the cookies for me. Today I found myself at 178 again. 5 lbs in 3 days... I am doing what I probably shouldnt and attempting to reset by doing a tea fast today until dinner, then having a nice, green salad with some shrimp or beef in it. I am setting myself up for success this week. Next... consistency with exercise... I don't even want to go there... literally. It's cold outside... I am going to start bringing my gym bag to work and going right after. Thursday. Because hey, today I have the surgical appt, tomorrow I have a hair appt... Not that I won't exercise... I just wont do it right after work...

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JANETRW50 11/12/2013 10:23AM

    For me, having no Oreos is easier than having 1. Having 1 is impossible. When I have 10, I feel physically awful. I can feel my blood sugar racing. Now, I concentrate now on associating the awful feeling with the Oreo's in general. I am just picking Oreo's as an example but in general this technique works for me.

This same method helped me quit smoking after many failed tries. The first few times I quit, even when I quit for many many months, I still desired a cigarette. This last time something changed in me and I began to associate a cigarette with a bad feeling. I can honestly say the idea of a cigarette repulses me.

Besides the guilt, what do you feel physically after chowing down on fast food. Compare that feeling to how you feel when you have a well balanced healthy meal. Concentrate on the difference, the physical feeling. I think the more you try and listen to your body, the louder the difference between the two will become.

I still have food issues. Mainly I am often hungry when there is no really good reason to feel that way. I just opt for a handful of grapes or some other piece of fruit. One can still overeat even healthy food and I do struggle with portion control but I am trying to "train" myself by tracking food and generally being more disciplined about portions.

Hang in there, you have already accomplished so much!


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BLUEJEAN99 11/12/2013 1:31AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MOVEITMARY 11/11/2013 11:53PM

    I think instead of a superpower, I will call my vice my Kryptonite. My Kryptonite is Self Sabotage. It turns up in many areas of my life, not just food.

The superpower I want is to Believe In Myself.

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JRRING 11/11/2013 8:45AM

  emoticon

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BEANIES_MOM 11/11/2013 6:41AM

    When I get the urge to binge, I try to ignore it but like you it seems to stay with me until I actually have what it is that I want to binge on... The frequency has lessened which I am glad, but the severity of a binge for me is just as bad as it always has been. You are a strong woman, and I know you will come up with a great plan to tame that super power of yours. emoticon

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/10/2013 10:48PM

    emoticon

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JAMER123 11/10/2013 9:16PM

    It's doable for you!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 11/10/2013 9:07PM

    Keep pushing - you can do it!

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SNOWYOGA 11/10/2013 8:58PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SUPERDAD55 11/10/2013 8:27PM

    emoticon emoticon

You are an inspiration!

emoticon emoticon

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SHOAPIE 11/10/2013 8:19PM

    emoticon

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DIANNEMT 11/10/2013 6:02PM

    You are doing super to just be THINKING about how to beat it! You will!!

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JSEATTLE 11/10/2013 5:59PM

  I totally know how you feel and yes, I have both good and evil super powers! What a struggle some days, and then there are those days and weeks when you are just flying so high!

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NEWTINK 11/10/2013 4:55PM

    I know from experience that you are going to have to retrain your brain. For me it is fitness . when i started out any time i wanted to binge eat or emotional eat I just walked and walked . I didnt even realized right away that i had changed until a real bad issue came up and put down my plate and walked out the door. at two miles that day and still walking I realized that i felt better and it happened without food. I wish you well and hope you can harness your super power .

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MARYJEANSL 11/10/2013 4:41PM

  I don't know about a superpower, but I surely can relate to bingeing. Would it be a possibility to sort of give in to the binge, but not to go all out...getting, say, a cheeseburger instead of a Big Mac at Mickey D's? It is super hard to resist a binge for sure. I think your exercise idea is a good one...may try that myself. Good luck reaching your goal!

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LIVELYGIRL2 11/10/2013 4:02PM

  Your blog was rather interesting.

I would guess that their probably article On Spark that would be helpful about bindges. I know several of the coaches here have delt witht his personally or with clients.

I think that sometimes after eating that much, sometimes one would feel lousy. I recall one Christmas when I was given a bunch of candy at work. One was a huge kiss candy. It looked as big as a mug. I kept tearing off a piece and going back and back and back.


Later I felt crummy, not just overdosing on calories.

Another time I purchased a 75 percent dark chocolate bar, and would eat one or two sqaures. It was so intense and favorful; It was more saisfying.

These fast food places are also appealing because you can get a pile of loaded burritos for cheap.

We have a place here called burrito factory, that have several meal sized selections, but even with black beans, some rice, some cheese, sauce, have way better flavor. I think they are better quality and you can do them custom.

I hope you discover helpful tecniques for you. It would be so great if you'd get to be coached or chatted with someone who have worked through this.

We are rooting for you. Good for you blogging and sharing. emoticon

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PATRICIAANN46 11/10/2013 3:47PM

  Your plan sounds workable and I wish you the emoticon

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SCRAPBECCA 11/10/2013 3:43PM

    I totally relate and totally needed to read this today! Thank you for having the courage and taking the time to post it!

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SIMONEKP 11/10/2013 3:41PM

    we all have to find a way to deal with obstacles and it sounds like you're working on your strategy.

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NONNAOF2 11/10/2013 1:37PM

  We all have cravings at one point, just don't overdo if you need to give in and try not to do it too often. Look for alternatives that are healthier for you that can sstisfy that craving. Sometimes we deprive ourselves for so long, it is easy to give in and then trouble begins. You're doing a good job of understanding yourself! :-)

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JACKIE542 11/10/2013 1:31PM

    emoticon

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NEPTUNE1939 11/10/2013 11:13AM

    emoticon

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CICELY360 11/10/2013 9:36AM

  Good blog

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IDICEM 11/10/2013 9:16AM

  Glad blogging about your evil super power helped you plan against it! Thanks for sharing.

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JIBBIE49 11/10/2013 9:10AM

    Hugs

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MIMIDOT 11/10/2013 8:37AM

    Hope you have this monster under control. You can do it! Just try putting it off a few hours, or days. Think, "I can wait a little longer." Your plan sounds good. Good Luck!

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TRYINGHARD54 11/10/2013 8:25AM

    this is so me... I went 16 days doing great. Then went on a binging spree for 10 days... emoticon I keep asking myself why ? I don't understand... but emoticon just need to emoticon

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JANEMARIE77 11/10/2013 8:23AM

    great blog thanks for sharing
Try reading Shrink Yourself





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R>









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TREV1964 11/10/2013 7:55AM

    Instead of having an exact weight goal - does having a weight region improve things at all. I personally find that this takes some pressure off the way we set things for ourselves and helps.

The other thing I do to fight binges is to take food out of the packet onto a plate and once I have put the food there take it into another room away from the kitchen then I can only binge at what is on the plate.

The problem with binge eating is that it is eating out of control. If you put the stuff on a plate you have measured it and therefore you still have full control of the situation.

I also make a point of avoiding all fast food establishments. Over here in the UK we tend to eat out at establishments where the calorie content is displayed on the menu and as for the all you can eat restaurants - I avoid them with a bargepole.

I hope this helps out a little.

Cheers

Trev

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PENOWOK 11/10/2013 7:28AM

    I think you are on track when you tell yourself "not today." I have been able to put off many thing that way. Then if I really need to feed that binge monster, I can maybe share it a different day. It's fabulous that ti doesn't happen all that often!

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WATERDIAMONDS 11/10/2013 7:28AM

    I like your idea of attaching a different exercise to the urges. Get creative with this--Want X? Then do Y. Want A? Then do B.

This could be a fun activity--and you might just wear yourself out enough to get over the craving hump.

One day, one hour, one minute, one bite and one step at a time, right?

Best of success to you.

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CHERYLHURT 11/10/2013 7:16AM

  You are an inspiration!

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THEBEV2 11/10/2013 7:07AM

    I'm just wondering if there will ever come a day that I don't think constantly about food, whether it's good healthy fare or junk. It doesn't matter if I'm hungry or not, I'm always thinking about what I can eat next. It's driving me crazy and I know it's not a healthy obsession.

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JOYCRN 11/10/2013 7:07AM

    I live out in the sticks so fast food isn't an option and I try to limit what I have available in the house so if I go on a feeding frenzy at least it is pretty healthy food (though cheese, nuts and peanut butter calories add up pretty fast). I have found since I started using the Sparkpeople program that adds calorie lee way when you exercise has really helped me not get so HUNGRY! emoticon emoticon I am glad you are working on figuring out what works for you, because it needs to work for life! emoticon

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JACOBSBELOVED 11/10/2013 2:18AM

    I hear that: every time I get something in my head, it never really leaves. I can think about potato chips and never have them for a few weeks, but then I eventually cave and I'll try to find the smallest size possible and fit it into my day. I hate obsessing over food.

No reason for you to bring up a problem in a blog and not still make it fun. You know you're taking it serious and it's a better way for you to get some accountability. Nicely done. :)

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SHERRYBETH84 11/9/2013 10:46PM

    I have that same power! We must be from the same planet!


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BOOERDEM 11/9/2013 10:27PM

    I loved what you said at the end - how blogging about this helped make you accountable & also helped you start to figure out an action plan - way to go!! I'm finding the same thing with this blog challenge, it has really made me think more seriously about setting some goals & making a plan to work towards them.
Those pictures you posted in your blog are awesome - I'm still smiling!!!
Thanks & keep on!!

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MOTHEPRO 11/9/2013 8:20PM

    You're a Super Hero! You can fit off the evil binge monster! emoticon emoticon

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SLIMMINGSHAY 11/9/2013 8:16PM

    Not sure if it's an option but could you maybe plan for a day a week that you get to have one of your fave fast food places and include it in your calories?

not deprivation right?!

Good luck!

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KITTYCAT64 11/9/2013 8:02PM

    Funny way to get in touch with the evil super power, BINGE. I have the same power. My two are ice cream, and greek yogurt. If they are in my house I will eat away until it is gone, letting nothing get in the way.

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MARYBETH4884 11/9/2013 7:28PM

    you just need to crave healthy stuff! You can do this one day at a time! emoticon emoticon

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JENRAQTAY87 11/9/2013 6:30PM

    I admire you for continuing to hold yourself accountable. In life, showing up is 90% of the battle and you always show up emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 11/9/2013 6:17PM

    If tacos are a favored food, look up healthy taco recipes. Get the ingredients. Make it for yourself. It is NOT about depriving yourself. It's about finding healthier alternatives.

Having said that, I understand that when you're in the mindset, it is beyond hard to be rational! I decided I had to make up a code word to say to myself that was so funny to me, that I would get sidetracked thinking about the absurdity! Think about using humor.

HUGS and really, know you're surely not alone and we're here for you. So glad you blogged, because that's a healthy release!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Reality Check: Doing This For Myself & My Sparky!

Wednesday, November 06, 2013



After 5 whole days of eating insane amounts of food emoticon , and having the worlds worst tummy ache, I had to give myself a huge reality check today! Who am I doing this for, and why am I doing this? If you had asked me 19 months ago why I was starting this weight loss journey...the answer would have been pretty basic. To not feel like such a beached whale, who had trouble rolling over in bed, and to LOOK better and wear smaller clothes. Are those the best reasons? Between you and me, I don't think they were very good reasons, but I don't think they are awful reasons purely based on the fact that it got me moving and has gotten me to where I am today. We all want to look and feel better, but this weight loss journey is so much more than just smaller, cuter clothes. emoticon

As my journey went forward, my goals changed. Did I still want to lose weight, get into smaller sizes, see better numbers on the scale? Of course I did. But I also wanted things that were different than I originally planned. I wanted: To find my confidence again, I wanted to lower my borderline A1C (which I did and am now in a completely normal range), to be able to walk far without getting winded or working up a sweat, and to be healthy!

When I first started, health was not something I thought about, I am the first to admit that! But as time went on, this journey stopped being so much about weight and more about becoming the person I want to be. Are a lot of my blogs focused on the weight aspect? Absolutely, this is a WEIGHT loss site after all. emoticon But there is so much more to our lives and our journey than just our weight. I don't think I am changing the person I am so much as uncovering the girl that was always there. There was always a happy and confident girl underneath all the fat, it just got pushed down farther and farther with each pound I gained... and that is my fault for allowing that to happen. Happiness and confidence should have nothing to do with weight, but at the time I didn't realize that... but I sure know now!

So after these 5 insane eating days, I am taking back control. I have been eating like my 272-pound-self, and being in denial about it. I kept SAYING that I wasn't going to gain my weight back and that I wasn't going to go back to that old lifestyle... but my ACTIONS were proving otherwise. Not only that, but my stomach has hurt so badly, and for once I thought about what I was doing to my poor body. Why would I abuse my body like that? I ate all this food and moved on with my day, but my poor body is still struggling to process all of that food... why would I intentionally put my body through such stress?

And of course my poor little Sparky. emoticon I did not take him for a walk last night... this is only the 2nd walk I've missed since I got him at the end of January. He was so sad and I felt so bad that I did not take him for his nightly walk. My tummy hurt so bad and I had such an awful headache from what I put my body through that I physically could not take him. I know some will say he is "just a dog", but in some ways he is like my child, and I feel like I let him down. Why should he be punished because of my bad food choices? So next time the Binge Monster comes knocking on my door, I need to look at the entire picture, not just the delicious food he brought with him. I need to think about the fact that Sparky is counting on me, and that my body is counting on me too... my body did not ask to be put through such stress, and Sparky did not ask to miss out on his walk... So I am taking back control! I am going to have an epic gain tomorrow for weigh in, and I am going to put down whatever that dreaded number is and then I am going to move forward. I refuse to go back down the path that got me to 272 pounds, and instead I will go down the path that is going to lead me to a long and healthy life! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORIVIOLA 4/5/2014 9:16AM

    good for you! and for emoticon sparky
emoticon emoticon

emoticon for the excellent blog

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NASFKAB 12/10/2013 7:36AM

  loved your post & thanks for the reminder

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MARYJEANSL 11/19/2013 1:50AM

  You'll get past this - you already have, by acknowledging what you did, and making a plan for moving ahead. Btw, I love the picture of the cat. I have felt like that myself quite a few times!

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EFFRAYECHILDE 11/16/2013 4:28PM

    emoticon

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CORNERKICK 11/16/2013 1:51AM

  emoticon emoticon

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ROXYCARIN 11/13/2013 12:29AM

  emoticon

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YHINESS 11/11/2013 11:34PM

    So well said. I'm right there trying to find my motivation and rhythm again. emoticon

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REDSPIRALWOMAN 11/11/2013 12:04PM

    So one step backward ended up putting you back in touch with the emerging you, not the past you. Super! emoticon

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EJSELHORST 11/11/2013 8:16AM

    What great insight! I've been right at my goal weight for a while now, so sometimes I really let myself have a big cheat day. I always feel physically sick afterwards! Obviously, my body doesn't like the cheat days, so why would I do it?! Keep up the good work! emoticon

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JOANNHUNT 11/10/2013 2:07PM

    You came to your senses and realized you needed to get back on track and take control. That is so awesome that you went forward instead of backwards and quit. Keep pushing. You can do it. Enjoy your journey and eat healthy.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/9/2013 1:04PM

    emoticon

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RENATA144 11/8/2013 3:31PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LCRUMLEY81 11/8/2013 12:50PM

  great post and great reminder

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RUNNINGYOGINIRE 11/8/2013 12:09PM

  emoticon

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IMAGINE46 11/8/2013 12:00PM

  emoticon emoticon

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IAMAGEMLOVER 11/8/2013 11:13AM

    It had to be something in the atmosphere last night. I did the same thing. Two ice cream cone, a package of 100 calorie cookies and then a Weight Watchers cone. I was out of snacks or I wouldn't have stopped. I was thinking of going out but I was too lazy.

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ROXYCARIN 11/8/2013 1:52AM

  I agree

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BLUEJEAN99 11/8/2013 1:33AM

    emoticon

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TAYGRL 11/8/2013 12:30AM

    Thank you! Just what I needed to hear!

emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 11/7/2013 11:25PM

    emoticon

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CHARTHESTAR 11/7/2013 9:11PM

    Maybe it was the moon or something. I did the same thing and I feel terrible.

Ate healthy today. One day and then another day ...

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LIVELYGIRL2 11/7/2013 7:48PM

  It's good to want to take your cute dog out, and obviously he or she would appreciate it.


So great your getting back on track.

If I got it right ( I read all the blogs usually on the newsletter.../ you found out you lost a particular high amount and goal.

So, if you can get any insight of what made you want to binge... that may help. For example... the weather change and smelling tempting foods. Or planned to eat some chocolate or dessert, but then one went back for a bunch of helpings. Stressed out at work, overload, or something depressing or sad happening. Another thing I notice... some people do on these diets that never again will they eat cookies or chips, flour , dairy, cooked foods, whatever. They are so deprived, that they taste a little bit, and go hog wild.

There are some links here where they give a bunch of great rewards to yourself that is not food related.

Actually, some come to my page, and look at me, and think no way would she get it... That's not really true. My closest friend has been 250-500 lbs. My sister used to be obese. My brother has improved his health, and I used to work in geriactrics( not to mention I've had some spare weight at some time)

Anyhow understanding some of the above mentioned things are useful.

I also know a good amount of people that had some type of personal issues to work though that provided the frredom they needed to make some positive changes.

I wish you blessing and success. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WILDFLOWERMA 11/7/2013 7:08PM

    It takes courage to admit your missteps, dust yourself off and start again. I think your dog is a fantastic reason to reboot your goals!

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SUPERDAD55 11/7/2013 6:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Keep on Keeping on... emoticon

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PATRICIAANN46 11/7/2013 6:28PM

  What an emoticon blog!!! emoticon

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SUSIEMT 11/7/2013 6:05PM

    Well said!

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REALLY_ROBIN 11/7/2013 4:47PM

  Great blog....thank you for sharing!

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NONNAOF2 11/7/2013 4:22PM

  What's always nice.....tomorrow is another day and you can get back on the right path again for your own health and for your dog's, too! Good Luck, you can do it!! :-)

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TREV1964 11/7/2013 3:43PM

    The fear of the consequences is a great motivator to keep us all moving in the right direction.

A good blog dealing with subject matter we all encounter and all fear.

Cheers

Trev

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JSEATTLE 11/7/2013 2:13PM

  How great for you to break out of your rut. You will feel so much better and Sparky will feel better too!

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SIMONEKP 11/7/2013 12:27PM

    It's good that you can see the error in your ways and do something about it

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SUNFLOWERGIRL79 11/7/2013 12:14PM

    Keep your head up. Keep trying.

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MRSRIGS1 11/7/2013 12:11PM

    Fall down 5 times, pick yourself up 6! Lesson learned and now you can push forward. If that binge monster returns, have Sparky growl at him emoticon

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BESSHAILE 11/7/2013 11:36AM

    It's not the falling down that does us in
It's the NOT getting back up

You did it!

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FUNZ81 11/7/2013 11:21AM

   
emoticon It is not about how many times we fall, it is about how we get back up!!
And you are doing Awesomely! You know, Change is always scary. Keep up the good fight!

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NEPTUNE1939 11/7/2013 11:18AM

    emoticon

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TAMNIOWA 11/7/2013 11:05AM

    Good for you that you recognize that you can pick yourself up and get back on track. You only fail if you quit.

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WHIPPETWALKER 11/7/2013 10:53AM

  You took a small detour in your journey. We are all works in progress. Thanks for the reality check!

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JENRAQTAY87 11/7/2013 10:40AM

    You've got this! All you can do is keep moving forward!

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WORKNPROGRESS49 11/7/2013 10:06AM

    emoticon

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SHOAPIE 11/7/2013 9:35AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JRRING 11/7/2013 9:19AM

  emoticon

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DJSHIP46 11/7/2013 8:58AM

    emoticon and Sparky will love you even more for it!!!

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MSFROGGIE 11/7/2013 8:56AM

    Awesome!! We grow and learn from our mistakes. As a binger myself, I found that I couldn't keep the "stuff" in my house. I went months buying only healthy food. I craved something sweet, I looked up recipes for non processed snacks. It's a lot more expensive, but healthy. And it's worked!!

One day at a time!!

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MIMIDOT 11/7/2013 8:56AM

    Great blog! We all need a reality check once in a while.

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GOOSIEMOON 11/7/2013 8:50AM

    emoticon

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JANEMARIE77 11/7/2013 8:35AM

    niccccce back on its all parrt of the deal way to go forward no need to look back

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SCRAPBECCA 11/7/2013 8:23AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SHERYLP461 11/7/2013 7:34AM

    Wow, what a great blog, we have all been there, lied to ourselves then have gone through the guilt of what have I done to ____________and myself. The fact that you can put out you best foot and continue says a lot about you . It is all good.

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MARPARMC1990 11/7/2013 7:32AM

    thanks for inspiring me to do my own reality check. i have been coasting

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Self Sabotage & Tiger Stripes

Monday, November 04, 2013


Self Sabotage:
I'm not quite sure what it is about me and hitting certain milestones, or approaching the goal weight that causes me to shoot myself in the foot. I am on this roller coaster of emotions and I want to get off! One day I am celebrating a great victory of losing 85 pounds, the next I am discussing the demise of a plan I was trying, and getting a visit from the Binge Monster. This has happened many times when I hit different milestones, whether it's an amount of weight lost, seeing an all time low weight, or getting to another clothing size. I guess there is a part of me that is truly afraid to hit my goal weight.

I'm not sure why that is, because all I've EVER wanted is to lose this weight! I have been overweight my entire life and I can not remember a time from age 13ish on that I was happy with my body and wasn't worried about losing weight. My life has revolved around wishing and trying different things, but never succeeding. But here I am, I am finally doing this. I am getting there, slow and steady, never giving up... yet there is something inside me that is terrified of my goal weight. What is so scary about it? I don't think there is anything scary about the goal weight itself, I think what is scary is losing the layer of protection... my fat. I have allowed my fat to hold me back for years, avoiding many social situations, dating, etc. because of how I felt about myself and my body. Every boy that "didn't like me back" must not have liked me because I was fat. Now, let's be real... that probably wasn't true. Sure there were some that it probably was true, because we got along great otherwise, but it is highly possible that they just didn't feel that way about me, period. But I always felt that I was able to blame it on my weight. I never had to look at anything else, I would just write it off and move on.

So what happens now? Right now, this exact moment I still have just enough fat on me that I am still overweight. I can still hide behind it a little bit, I can still try to convince myself that is why that boy doesn't feel the same way about me, but what happens when that is all behind me? What happens when I'm just a nice, normal sized girl? That means I am going to have to put myself out there, and say take me or leave me... and that is a very scary thought! I feel better and more confident and I am hoping that will help me... but there is obviously something still plaguing me that is secretly gnawing at me deep down. I will continue to push forward and try to get to the bottom of this. This won't come in a day or even a week, but the good news is I'm conscious of this self sabotage and I'm going to try to continue to fight it, as well as the Binge Monster that always pounces when I'm second guessing myself.

This leads me to my next topic:


I have shed a lot of tears recently about the damage I have done to my body. I will be the first to say that I have always had very real expectations of what losing weight was going to look like. I expected the loose skin, I expected the horrendous stretch marks (mine are particularly bad), I expected jiggly arms... but I think there is still a part of us that thinks MAYBE it won't be as bad as we thought.

Well I am here to tell you for ME and my body, it is exactly as bad as I thought. I have stretch marks so deep and shredded trucks could drive in them. I have the flying squirrels as I have mentioned before... my stomach is hanging down so low that I recently went out to buy compression shorts to wear under my clothes to help give it support. My inner thighs are getting wrinkly and very jiggly... and I have an unsightly pouch on one of my inner thighs. I often joke that I am okay with it, and that I will just never be able to go through life wearing daisy dukes and tank tops. Okay so I am fine with that, the daisy dukes isn't happening no matter what, and I wouldn't be comfortable in those even if I could rock them. The tank top I can probably still muster up the courage to flaunt, but I am still very hard on myself. I think I am just mad at myself for putting my body through so much over the years, and it's sad to see that it can't recover from the stresses I've put it through.

It is just very hard to know you've worked this hard and to see all these various things happening. With that said, if I could have a do over with this life, and could have the perfect body, but be a part of a different family, and be a completely different person I would never do it. I have learned a lot, and while my body had to feel the wrath of my decisions, I am still so happy with the person that I am. So I will do my best to tone up my arms, and tone up my legs in an effort to help my jiggly thigh. I am already saving for a tummy tuck because it is honestly becoming a hazard the more I lose my weight... and I know I am privileged to be in a position where that is an option for me. That is going to lead to even more scars, and I am going to still have plenty of stretch marks, but as the picture says I earned those. emoticon They are my battle scars and I really think I am a much stronger person after going on this weight loss journey... and I have learned so much about life.

So no more tears, what's done is done. I can sit here and cry about things I can not change, or I can focus on what I can improve on and what I have accomplished. And to any of you ladies out there worried about your bodies after weight loss... this is what I have to say about it at the end of the day... I am going to look darn good in my clothes. 99% of people I come in contact with are ONLY going to see me IN my clothes and that 1% that actually gets to see me without them better consider themselves darn lucky and not have any complaints! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORIVIOLA 4/3/2014 10:42PM

    emoticon emoticon

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GRAMPIAN 1/13/2014 7:18AM

  Very well put. emoticon

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HEATHERFREE 11/22/2013 11:27PM

    Hey girl, miss you. Catching up on your blogs. I particularly love this one, because I was just looking at every inch of my body this morning scrutinizing it, the deep stretch marks on the inner thighs, the stretch marks for some reason stretching more on my boobs....the scars from random pimples. But your right, whats done is done, and I'm so happy your still on this journey. I am still at 231 but Im happy with that considering all the joint issues I've been going through, and being on prednisone for over a month now. I still would like to get to 220 by the new year.....so we will see if I can make that happen despite all this medication and holiday temptation

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SOFT_VAL67 11/17/2013 9:49AM

    Great blog. emoticon emoticon

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SCULPTAHORSE 11/15/2013 12:13PM

    emoticon

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MCJULIEO 11/14/2013 2:03PM

    You have said it well.... hang in there and good luck!

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MAYBER 11/14/2013 12:02AM

    Thank you for sharing your journey this could be me writing this blog
At one time was one pound from goal and gained everything back plus a little more
And just recently in my journey was two pounds from goal and gained back ten so I begin again and too believe am afraid of reaching that number have set as a goal where do I go when I reach there
Continue to take one day at a time
Best wishes to you you are in thoughts prayers
Sending love and peace
emoticon emoticon

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LISA_FRAME 11/13/2013 4:14PM

  emoticon

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LEANMEAN2 11/13/2013 5:42AM

    Thanks for sharing.

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EFFRAYECHILDE 11/12/2013 12:52PM

    emoticon

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LEANMEAN2 11/11/2013 6:41AM

    Thanks for sharing.

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YOGAMONKEYS 11/10/2013 4:09AM

    I too struggle with self sabotage. It's good to hear your inner confidence, very inspiring.

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RESTORETOSANITY 11/9/2013 10:27AM

  The first time I lost the weight, in my twenties, I had major tiger stripes because of 3, almost back-to-back, pregnancies. They were something I decided I'd earned, proof I'd been to hard places and survived. I hadn't gained a lot in my arms even tho I was very heavy, and didn't have loose skin anywhere.

This time I'm in my forties and as I was making decisions about losing, I knew it would be different. My upper arms had blown up and I knew at this age I'd be in for a lot of loose skin everywhere. Finally, I told myself that this was life or death, and I couldn't let this fear keep me from losing. It would either bounce back or it wouldn't, but I'd be alive. To help me make the decision to go forward, I told myself if the skin was really bad and I really wanted to, I'd find a way to do surgery. So, I got one more excuse out of the way. My skin is pretty bad, but from what I've learned it takes a year or 2 before everything is stable, so I've decided to accept it for now. I'm lucky; I don't have any rashes or itches.

"What happens when I'm just a nice, normal sized girl?" I don't know. I hit goal weight and started maintenance a couple weeks ago, and I'm not nice and normal, LOL. I never was. I'm complex. I'm complicated. There are REASONS why I needed something to hide behind. I promised myself this time I would do whatever it took to stay in hiding when I felt vulnerable, just not use the fat anymore. If it takes wearing baggy clothes I do it. If I feel good in something that fits good, then I'll go with that. I don't have to become whatever anyone else or the past younger me thought I had to. I'm still strong, brave, and occasionally righteously angry. It serves me :) So, maintenance is confusing, but there's work to do inside or I won't stay here. It sounds like you are well on your way.

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TER_BEAR1962 11/8/2013 4:33PM

    We do tend to hide behind our protective layers and use them as an excuse to not participate in life. I also sabotaged my external image. Having been abused as a teenager and harassed as an adult, I made myself unappealing through weight, clothing, hair/makeup, etc. Once I realized what I was doing, I was finally able to overcome that last hurdle. I still have off days, but I did finally reach my goal weight, and have stayed within about 5 pounds of it ever since. Best wishes to you!

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JIBBIE49 11/8/2013 9:55AM

    emoticon Great to see your blog featured in the Spark mail. What an honor.

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SMILES_CAN_DO 11/8/2013 9:48AM

  Nice blog! Congratulations on your success so far! You've come a long way! Way to go!

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JUSGETTENBY42 11/8/2013 9:17AM

    emoticon

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CORNERKICK 11/8/2013 1:29AM

  emoticon

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JOANNHUNT 11/7/2013 11:00PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ROXYCARIN 11/7/2013 10:02PM

  emoticon

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AMBER461 11/7/2013 7:00PM

  Excellent blog. Well said.

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CHANGINGHORSES 11/7/2013 6:17PM

    Very well said. I have the same scars but I feel like a million bucks! I am just glad that I have a real sense of self now and pride in my body no matter how floppy my arms and belly are. And like you said, We look great in our clothes! The special person who sees me without clothes isn't looking at my flaws, he's looking at my heart.


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THROOPER62 11/7/2013 5:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PROPMAN1 11/7/2013 3:12PM

  You have an amazing attitude! Wishing you nothing but the best!! Keep up the good work and fight on with pride!!!! emoticon emoticon

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FIRECOM 11/7/2013 2:24PM

    I have never in my life been a candyholic, but since I startred chemo, I absolutely crave candy -- all types.

Strange how changes in our life have unintended consequences;

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ANDYLIN90 11/7/2013 1:50PM

    Love it!!

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SUNFLOWERGIRL79 11/7/2013 12:09PM

    Great blog. We are our worse enemy. Keep your head up, you can do it.

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CALIDEE 11/7/2013 9:48AM

    Excellent! I can relate to this so well. Thank you for your honesty
emoticon

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PATTISTAMPS 11/7/2013 9:46AM

    GREAT blog! Yes, we do have the scars of life. And as you grow older there are more scars. But your outlook is so EXCELLENT! Your health is so much more important than the scars. Many years ago I had a dear friend who had lost a lot of weight. About 75 pounds. And she had stretch marks. And saggy belly. And when she met Scott, he thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever met, and when they got married they were one of the happiest couples ever. Sadly, she had a short life, and I will always miss her. But she is a shining example of how love does not care about the stretch marks, etc. Yes, the guys ARE initially attracted (mostly) to the body, but when you meet your soul mate it does not matter!

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SJKENT1 11/7/2013 8:32AM

    emoticon emoticon I think acceptance and determination points of our life are huge milestones. Congrats!

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XIALUDI 11/7/2013 7:50AM

    wow, yes! I can really relate to this, thanks for such an honest post :)

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CHERYLHURT 11/7/2013 7:31AM

  Amazing blog!

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DUSTYDOODLE12 11/7/2013 6:48AM

    emoticon emoticon Wear those stripes with pride!!!!! Who ever that 1% may be, should be considered extremely lucky indeed!! emoticon
emoticon

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DKAY0923 11/7/2013 3:59AM

  great blog

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AJB121299 11/7/2013 12:11AM

    nice

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SUPERDAD55 11/7/2013 12:00AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RENATA144 11/6/2013 11:40PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BROWNIEISLANDER 11/6/2013 9:58PM

    Always give thanks with a grateful heart...No matter what.....Life is Beautiful! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUPERPSYCHED30 11/6/2013 9:51PM

    Well said!

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BETHLOVESBIKING 11/6/2013 7:33PM

    This blog is emoticon You've spoken for so many of us--we can all identify. Congratulations on your great work so far, and wishing you for courage for the remainder of the journey.

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HEALTHY4ME 11/6/2013 7:04PM

    YOu have hit the nail on the head for me. I think when I really get truthful that the main reason I don't lose is cos I dont want to be flabbier than I am now. I only have 30 lbs to lose but am and have been always flabby. When I read that people are 180 size 12 I am like how, I am an 16-18. mum used to say you are a marshmallow and that was when I was 13-140 and in my 20s.
So do I want to stay this size as I seem to go from 180-200 and fill my flab or have it hanging but then I see blogs on here, about people that have lost a fair bit and did strength and are not flabby... So then I think there is hope!!!!!
HUGS and hope you can remember there is hope!

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NO1LSUTIGERFAN 11/6/2013 5:56PM

  Just to let you know, I've struggled for the past year with the same exact thing - I'm down to my last 10 pounds and I've spent the last year going down 5 and back up 5. And I have no clue why I do it. No clue. Drives me crazy!

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NEWTINK 11/6/2013 5:35PM

    Find a punching bag and beat the crap out of it that works for me . and once you have done that you will feel empowered. Empowering yourself helps you to fight against the self destruction . You have to believe that you are stronger now than when you were fat bodied. emoticon

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SMILINGEYES2 11/6/2013 5:19PM

    I love your blog. I am also concerned with the wings and excess skin as I lose. I love the allusion to tiger stripes and battle scars. Thanks for giving me a new way to look at this body that is changing.

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MALAMI518 11/6/2013 5:08PM

    This really helped me today. I also have "tiger stripes" and so much loose, jiggly skin that I know will be with me forever. I remember saying when I started that I knew I would have loose skin and that I'd much rather have the loose skin than fat plumped skin. I still feel that way, and yet, I've been letting all that loose skin bother me recently.

I also agree about hiding behind the fat. I'm haven't fallen victim to self-sabotage, but it is scary losing that layer of fat that I've always wanted to lose.

Great blog! Thank you for your insights!

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JRICHART 11/6/2013 5:08PM

    Wow! Thank you. I stumbled upon your blog today after having a very tough day being motivated myself. I am only one pound away from my last mini goal and have been for about a month...it just won't come off. I also have lots of extra skin around my middle and just this afternoon I was upset about it. Your blog was a great reminder that we are all facing the same challenges. Thanks!

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COMIC_BOOK_MAMA 11/6/2013 4:21PM

    emoticon

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TERRIMMIX 11/6/2013 4:12PM

    I've done the self-sabotage thing too, so many times. All I can really come up with is being afraid of not having the "I'm too fat to do that" excuse together with the fact that once the fat is gone, there will also be issues with getting hit on and having to have social self-control as well. When there's no temptation put in your path, it's easier to keep on the straight and narrow. Great blog!

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PURPLEBIRD63 11/6/2013 3:05PM

    Haha ... very true!
I worry about that also - extra skin, etc...
I started a tummy tuck fund a few years ago too -
just need to lose the weight so I can get it :)
Congrats on your awesome weight loss!

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SBARGANZ 11/6/2013 3:05PM

    I can relate. :) You rock!

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