Saturday, November 09, 2013
The time has come for me to reveal to all of you my Super Power! The thing of it is, my power is used for evil, and not good! That is why I haven't shared it with you guys in the past... it is not something that I am proud of, that is for sure. Without further ado... I have this power, where once I set my mind on something I want to binge on, I have laser sharp focus on it until the binge occurs.
So we all know I have gone round and round with Binge Monster, often losing to him... and my super power definitely benefits that mean ol monster! I figured out I had this power about 2 years ago. You see, prior to that I never really fought the urge to binge. I wanted Tommy's, or a bag of chips? Done. But once I started to control my weight I could no longer accept these urges as normal behavior, and I had to put more effort into fighting them. The thing of it is, I can fight it, to a point. I have postponed these urges as much as 2 weeks, but it never fully leaves my mind.
More recently I have even found myself just accepting these things, without even realizing it. I start thinking to myself "No you don't need Del Taco, just get over it and move on." But then the super power kicks in and I find myself saying "You know that it's in your head, you know it's only a matter of time until you give in... why postpone the inevitable? Just go ahead, get your Del Taco... because if you don't today it'll just be tomorrow, so why wait?"
Can you tell I just finished my Del Taco? The bigger slap in the face is that I decided last night I would do a 1400 calorie (or less) streak from today til Thanksgiving. I started out the day strong and then I threw it all away by going through the Del Taco drive thru. I have been going through these ups and downs for the past 2 weeks or so. A good day here and there, 2 bad days, another good day... but I can't get a streak of good days under my belt. The good news is I am still here, and I am still fighting. If I wasn't still fighting it would have been 2 weeks of nothing but eating non stop and hanging out on the couch. Sparky got his walk today, I am drinking my water, but my calories are so big they need their own zip code!
So what am I going to do about this super power? I don't think it is something I can simply shut down... I believe it is just too powerful. But I have decided I need to harness this energy into something GOOD instead of evil. I focus on the specific food I was craving until I finally have the sweet (and bitter) release of having said food... so what I need to do is use that laser sharp focus to eat well, to complete an exercise program, to do something POSITIVE for myself and my weight loss journey.
I haven't exactly fine tuned my plan yet, and am not 100% sure how to proceed. For example: I took Sparky for a walk before I went to Del Taco, in an attempt to clear my head and all I kept doing was thinking about what I would order when I got there after the walk. I told myself 3 times not to go, and my response to myself was always "If you don't do it today, you'll do it tomorrow, so just get it over with." Maybe when the urge pops up for said food I will have an activity to go along with it. My urges are almost always fast food related (yeah, I have issues LOL), so I could make a list of my top 5 fast food places and I could attach an exercise to each of those places. And not just something simple I already do, but something that is really going to push me out of my comfort zone and make me work. And each day that I really feel myself fighting the urge, I will do the exercise. Since these urges can last 2 weeks maybe I need 2 activities for each place. I will work on that tonight.
All I know is, right now, at this very moment, this super power is the cause of many of my bumps in the road. If I can find a way to use my powers for good instead of evil, I think it could be my biggest asset moving forward in my weight loss journey.
Do you have any super powers? (Good or evil)
Countdown to 2014: 53 days
Current Weight: 191
Goal Weight: 179
Edit: I just wanted to say this isn't something that I deal with on a daily basis. It is something that can happen once or twice in a month, or can be gone for 3 or 4 months at a time. I tried to share it in a "fun" type of way... mainly for accountability but blogging it out actually helped me to start coming up with an action plan for those instances where this does come up, so I'm glad I did share. :)
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
After 5 whole days of eating insane amounts of food , and having the worlds worst tummy ache, I had to give myself a huge reality check today! Who am I doing this for, and why am I doing this? If you had asked me 19 months ago why I was starting this weight loss journey...the answer would have been pretty basic. To not feel like such a beached whale, who had trouble rolling over in bed, and to LOOK better and wear smaller clothes. Are those the best reasons? Between you and me, I don't think they were very good reasons, but I don't think they are awful reasons purely based on the fact that it got me moving and has gotten me to where I am today. We all want to look and feel better, but this weight loss journey is so much more than just smaller, cuter clothes.
As my journey went forward, my goals changed. Did I still want to lose weight, get into smaller sizes, see better numbers on the scale? Of course I did. But I also wanted things that were different than I originally planned. I wanted: To find my confidence again, I wanted to lower my borderline A1C (which I did and am now in a completely normal range), to be able to walk far without getting winded or working up a sweat, and to be healthy!
When I first started, health was not something I thought about, I am the first to admit that! But as time went on, this journey stopped being so much about weight and more about becoming the person I want to be. Are a lot of my blogs focused on the weight aspect? Absolutely, this is a WEIGHT loss site after all. But there is so much more to our lives and our journey than just our weight. I don't think I am changing the person I am so much as uncovering the girl that was always there. There was always a happy and confident girl underneath all the fat, it just got pushed down farther and farther with each pound I gained... and that is my fault for allowing that to happen. Happiness and confidence should have nothing to do with weight, but at the time I didn't realize that... but I sure know now!
So after these 5 insane eating days, I am taking back control. I have been eating like my 272-pound-self, and being in denial about it. I kept SAYING that I wasn't going to gain my weight back and that I wasn't going to go back to that old lifestyle... but my ACTIONS were proving otherwise. Not only that, but my stomach has hurt so badly, and for once I thought about what I was doing to my poor body. Why would I abuse my body like that? I ate all this food and moved on with my day, but my poor body is still struggling to process all of that food... why would I intentionally put my body through such stress?
And of course my poor little Sparky. I did not take him for a walk last night... this is only the 2nd walk I've missed since I got him at the end of January. He was so sad and I felt so bad that I did not take him for his nightly walk. My tummy hurt so bad and I had such an awful headache from what I put my body through that I physically could not take him. I know some will say he is "just a dog", but in some ways he is like my child, and I feel like I let him down. Why should he be punished because of my bad food choices? So next time the Binge Monster comes knocking on my door, I need to look at the entire picture, not just the delicious food he brought with him. I need to think about the fact that Sparky is counting on me, and that my body is counting on me too... my body did not ask to be put through such stress, and Sparky did not ask to miss out on his walk... So I am taking back control! I am going to have an epic gain tomorrow for weigh in, and I am going to put down whatever that dreaded number is and then I am going to move forward. I refuse to go back down the path that got me to 272 pounds, and instead I will go down the path that is going to lead me to a long and healthy life!
Monday, November 04, 2013
I'm not quite sure what it is about me and hitting certain milestones, or approaching the goal weight that causes me to shoot myself in the foot. I am on this roller coaster of emotions and I want to get off! One day I am celebrating a great victory of losing 85 pounds, the next I am discussing the demise of a plan I was trying, and getting a visit from the Binge Monster. This has happened many times when I hit different milestones, whether it's an amount of weight lost, seeing an all time low weight, or getting to another clothing size. I guess there is a part of me that is truly afraid to hit my goal weight.
I'm not sure why that is, because all I've EVER wanted is to lose this weight! I have been overweight my entire life and I can not remember a time from age 13ish on that I was happy with my body and wasn't worried about losing weight. My life has revolved around wishing and trying different things, but never succeeding. But here I am, I am finally doing this. I am getting there, slow and steady, never giving up... yet there is something inside me that is terrified of my goal weight. What is so scary about it? I don't think there is anything scary about the goal weight itself, I think what is scary is losing the layer of protection... my fat. I have allowed my fat to hold me back for years, avoiding many social situations, dating, etc. because of how I felt about myself and my body. Every boy that "didn't like me back" must not have liked me because I was fat. Now, let's be real... that probably wasn't true. Sure there were some that it probably was true, because we got along great otherwise, but it is highly possible that they just didn't feel that way about me, period. But I always felt that I was able to blame it on my weight. I never had to look at anything else, I would just write it off and move on.
So what happens now? Right now, this exact moment I still have just enough fat on me that I am still overweight. I can still hide behind it a little bit, I can still try to convince myself that is why that boy doesn't feel the same way about me, but what happens when that is all behind me? What happens when I'm just a nice, normal sized girl? That means I am going to have to put myself out there, and say take me or leave me... and that is a very scary thought! I feel better and more confident and I am hoping that will help me... but there is obviously something still plaguing me that is secretly gnawing at me deep down. I will continue to push forward and try to get to the bottom of this. This won't come in a day or even a week, but the good news is I'm conscious of this self sabotage and I'm going to try to continue to fight it, as well as the Binge Monster that always pounces when I'm second guessing myself.
This leads me to my next topic:
I have shed a lot of tears recently about the damage I have done to my body. I will be the first to say that I have always had very real expectations of what losing weight was going to look like. I expected the loose skin, I expected the horrendous stretch marks (mine are particularly bad), I expected jiggly arms... but I think there is still a part of us that thinks MAYBE it won't be as bad as we thought.
Well I am here to tell you for ME and my body, it is exactly as bad as I thought. I have stretch marks so deep and shredded trucks could drive in them. I have the flying squirrels as I have mentioned before... my stomach is hanging down so low that I recently went out to buy compression shorts to wear under my clothes to help give it support. My inner thighs are getting wrinkly and very jiggly... and I have an unsightly pouch on one of my inner thighs. I often joke that I am okay with it, and that I will just never be able to go through life wearing daisy dukes and tank tops. Okay so I am fine with that, the daisy dukes isn't happening no matter what, and I wouldn't be comfortable in those even if I could rock them. The tank top I can probably still muster up the courage to flaunt, but I am still very hard on myself. I think I am just mad at myself for putting my body through so much over the years, and it's sad to see that it can't recover from the stresses I've put it through.
It is just very hard to know you've worked this hard and to see all these various things happening. With that said, if I could have a do over with this life, and could have the perfect body, but be a part of a different family, and be a completely different person I would never do it. I have learned a lot, and while my body had to feel the wrath of my decisions, I am still so happy with the person that I am. So I will do my best to tone up my arms, and tone up my legs in an effort to help my jiggly thigh. I am already saving for a tummy tuck because it is honestly becoming a hazard the more I lose my weight... and I know I am privileged to be in a position where that is an option for me. That is going to lead to even more scars, and I am going to still have plenty of stretch marks, but as the picture says I earned those. They are my battle scars and I really think I am a much stronger person after going on this weight loss journey... and I have learned so much about life.
So no more tears, what's done is done. I can sit here and cry about things I can not change, or I can focus on what I can improve on and what I have accomplished. And to any of you ladies out there worried about your bodies after weight loss... this is what I have to say about it at the end of the day... I am going to look darn good in my clothes. 99% of people I come in contact with are ONLY going to see me IN my clothes and that 1% that actually gets to see me without them better consider themselves darn lucky and not have any complaints!
Saturday, November 02, 2013
Let me take you back to a time, long long ago... October 25th, 2013. Well, ummmmmm, okay so it wasn't that long ago, but it feels like 10 years ago. In this week, I have gone from excitement, to physical exhaustion and feeling crummy, to feeling okay, to crash in burn. Before we go any further I must say that this is NO reflection of the plan... I obviously haven't been on it long enough to know if it is effective (and I betcha it is), but I have been on it long enough to know it's not for me.
So let's get back to the story, where was I? Oh, that's right, October 25th, 2013. You see, I had this idea that I should shake things up and try something new. My plan the last 19 months has absolutely worked and I have lot a lot of weight, but I was looking for something to do. I wasn't really prepared but I jumped in with both feet, only 30 net carbs per day. Okay that doesn't sound so bad right? At first it was great! I was at home and I had full access to my kitchen and could go in and cook up something super healthy and low carb every couple of hours. I had a little trouble getting in enough calories but that was okay. By Sunday night I felt sick, and had an awful headache, I have read about "induction flu" when it comes to low carb, so I thought I must be doing things right.
Cut to Tuesday night. I had to go back to work, I thought I had enough food, turns out it was only 1000 calories. I would never eat 1000 calories intentionally, but I was at my carb limit and I had no other options at work. Repeated this on Wednesday and then Thursday, Halloween, is when all heck broke loose!
Yep. It was bad. I went face first into SEVERAL slices of pizza at work, followed by a mini candy binge. I lost my mind. I had been hungry for days, I had wanted carbs for days, and I just couldn't stop myself. The thing is my first "Carb Nite" (where you intentionally eat a lot of carbs) was supposed to be Sunday. So I thought well I will just count this one as that and move forward. That was a good plan until today.
I ended up eating 3, yes you read that right, 3 donuts! In my 27 years as an overweight girl, I have NEVER EVER EVER eaten 3 donuts. 2 maybe, but not 3. That was the aha moment for me! This was bringing out the Binge Monster in ME! I haven't seen him in quite a while actually, and he caught me by surprise! He caught wind that I was doing this low carb thing, and he knew that after I had already eaten an insane amount of pizza & candy that getting me to eat 3 donuts would be a piece of cake! How evil is he? He truly is a monster.
You see, there is nothing wrong with this plan (I don't think), but there is something wrong with it for me. What bothered me most was that if I was doing it "my way" (everything in moderation tracking calories), I could have easily had ONE donut, tracked it and moved on with my day. In fact I have passed up donuts at work millions of times because I know they weren't worth the calories. But you tell me I can't have something and I obsess. I have had ice cream in my fridge for months and it is missing 2, 1/2 cup servings.. but if you told me I couldn't have it I would be right there eating out of the carton! This was bringing out the binge/restrict cycle in me and that is not good. There was nothing wrong with my counting calories and everything in moderation plan, but I am human, and I get caught up in wanting to try other plans. I said it when I posted about trying it that I was truly "going against myself" because I have always believed that for ME to lose weight it had to be my way and it had to be something I could do forever. I went on this plan knowing I would have to come off of it and that was the first mistake.
I think I had the right idea that I need to change up my routine, I need to make an effort to eat more healthy foods and to eat more veggies. This plan allowed me to find that I liked some healthier things and it really started to move me away from processed foods. I am going to keep that in mind as I move back to what has helped me lose 85 pounds, counting calories and eating what I want in moderation. I will just kick it up a notch so that I am eating more healthy, whole foods.
Anyways, if there is anything GOOD for me to say at the end of this is to remember that your weight loss journey is YOURS alone. What works for you may be pure disaster for someone else. Don't judge anyone else for their choices and more importantly don't let anyone judge you for yours. You know you better than anyone else, and sometimes we have to go through trial and error to find what works for us. So take whatever "your plan" is, and rock the heck out of it!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
When I started this journey 19 months ago, I didn't celebrate each little milestone. In fact I don't think I truly celebrated until 40 pounds down. After that I celebrated 50, 60, 70, and not too long ago 80 pounds down with all of my Spark friends! Those milestones were important to me because I felt like I was actually getting somewhere. This journey can be long and tedious at times, so we have to find the fun wherever we can. I have never celebrated a "halfsie" like this (Eighty FIVE pounds down), but these milestones are going to be coming to an end soon as I come closer and closer to the end of my weight loss journey. Now wait, don't get it twisted... the end of my weight LOSS journey... which will start the beginning of my life long MAINTAINING journey. It is a great feeling to be so close to getting to where I want to be... (I am thinking 160 sounds pretty good, 170 sounded okay in the past but I am ready for more I think)... but that also means my weight loss is slowing. I'm not getting to celebrate those milestones regularly, so I thought what the heck... let's celebrate 85 pounds down! But the more I think about it, it is NOT just 85 pounds down... I am actually celebrating:
19 consistent months sticking to my weight loss journey and being consistent on Spark People almost daily.
The lowest adult weight in more than 10 years: 186.2!
Not giving up on myself for the first time in aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllll my attempts at weight loss.
Feeling happy and confident in myself, the person I am, and my ability to lose this weight and keep it off.
Regaining control after 5 food-filled-days in Vegas where I gained 7 lbs of bloat... Not only am I home and back on track, but I have eliminated the bloat and an additional 2.6 pounds!
So I am not celebrating just a number on the scale, but all of the things that have changed in my life. I am still very much the same person, just in a smaller body... but my confidence has returned and boy did I miss it! Just 4.2 pounds away from celebrating 90 pounds down, what a treat that will be! With my body it could be as soon as two weeks or as long as 2 months... unfortunately while I do what I can, my body and that scale makes the final call. But I look forward to it, and I can't help but peek into the future and be ecstatic about that beautiful 100 pounds down! I never thought it would be possible, but this site and community has taught me that you can achieve your goals if you are willing to do the work, and boy am I willing!
Puppies, Rainbows, and a Cuddly Kitty for you cat people.
Countdown til 2014: 62 Days
Goal to lose 10 pounds: 179
Current Weight: 186.2
P.S. Happy Halloween!
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