Saturday, September 28, 2013
For starters I love love love Halloween and horror movies... always have. I had always talked about going to one of those Hollywood Horror Night events at Universal Studios, and I did actually go last year for the first time ever! I was around 220ish, and I got through everything alright, a little tired and very sore when I got home, but I did it!
This year though I was an additional 30 pounds down from last year (80 total), and I had a blast. According to my fitbit we walked just over 6 miles and I feel great. Not only that but I was amazed at how fast I could actually walk. I even left my uncle in the dust a couple of times and had to slow down. I am home now, and other than my knee that has been bothering me a little for a week (arthritis flare up), I feel great! I might be sore tomorrow, time will tell.
On top of that, I said a phrase like 10 times that night that I would NEVER say last year. "Take my picture in front of ____". Any time I saw a photo opportunity I took it. My brother didn't even get the strict orders to take the pictures "from the chest up" (you ladies know what I'm talking about! ). I didn't care, I am me, and I worked hard to get where I am. And if my stomachs happen to take up half of the picture then so be it!
It was just the ultimate NSV and this is what it is about! I am the girl that could not walk the dog around the block 1 mile, I couldn't do it. I would walk up 7 stairs to my bedroom and be SO winded that I'd have to stop and rest. I am the girl that never wanted you to take my picture ever, and on the off chance I let you I only cringed at the results and would be down about it for days thinking "do I really look like that?" But those days are gone. I may not be done on this journey and I may still have a good chunk of weight to lose, but I am proud of what I have accomplished! I have come a long way and the ultimate reward is being able to live life, however I want, with NOTHING to hold me back. Gone are the days of "I really would like to go, but there is too much walking involved". I never ONCE stopped to look around to see if anyone was giving me looks (for being overweight) or talking crap about me. I used to hear people laugh around me and automatically wonder if it was a joke about my weight. I know that sounds super paranoid and it probably was, but when you actually overhear people commenting on your weight, it makes you paranoid! I just couldn't have been more happy to feel like a regular, plain ol, normal person that BLENDED in with everyone else. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and use it up when I'm not feeling so hot, because it's awesome!
If you are having a hard time or have a long way to go and have trouble staying motivated, PLEASE remember it is SO worth it. These are our lives, we only get one and we deserve to get out and live them however we chose!
Without further ado, here are some of the pictures taken tonight... you may not care but just the fact that I have pictures to show are a huge NSV!
^My uncle said "you guys don't smile!" So this is the result...
^ So fluffy!
^Biggest disappointment of the night, Chucky posed for me but that monster cut him off LOL.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I know there is not one person here on Spark who doesn't already know that this losing weight stuff is hard. There are times of 's and 's where things are easy and breezy and nothing can get in your way. Then there are the times where nothing goes right, you eat everything, and you are your own worst enemy.
I have been like a rubber ball bouncing all over the place lately! One day I'm super excited about my doctor's appointment, the next day I'm asking for advice on how to hold my ground against the Binge Monster. I couldn't be on two more opposite ends of the spectrum from day to day if I tried. Today what I realized is the only person standing in the way of me getting what I want (getting to my goal weight) is ME. I am sure some of you can relate to this... there is NO worse feeling than knowing that you are self sabotaging and making things harder on yourself.
In the past my Self Saboteur would come in after I would lose about 40 pounds, and beat me down emotionally until I said "You are right, I CAN'T do this, I will ALWAYS be fat" and I would go back to my old ways and gain all the weight back. This happened 3 times in life. This time I got all the way to the 50 pounds lost mark before she tried to beat me to a pulp. But this time I knew her game, I knew how she worked and I fought her tooth and nail until I won. She is so sneaky that she left me alone for a while... but she's back, and she's not pleased!
Here I sit, what should be 80 pounds lost but is probably 78 because I've gained 2ish pounds recently , and she is back with a vengeance. I feel like I am fighting myself on a daily basis the last 9 or so days;. She has teamed up with the Binge Monster and they are the dynamic duo! I am eating too much, too many calories, my tummy is not happy with me and yet I have done it probably 5 of the last 9 days. Why now? Why 18 months into my journey is she fighting me again? I really believe she is scared, she is scared of what happens when I get to my goal weight. People around me are already starting to change and I have even lost friends that can't handle the "new, smaller, awesome-er me". What other changes are in store? It is scary, change is scary, but it is something that I want so badly and I can't give up on it.
This time has to be different, I can not, and will not gain back those 80 pounds. In fact I will do just the opposite and head towards 100 pounds lost instead. That will show my Self Saboteur who is boss! To do this I need to incorporate the tips from my fellow Spark Friends on how to deal with the Binge Monster, and I have to truly TRY to fight him. Telling him no and immediately giving in is not a true fight! So the gloves are on (or is it the gloves are off? I'm not a scrapper LOL) and I mean business. Self Saboteur is going down as well! You aren't going to bully me back into my old habits so I can gain the weight back and you can have the last laugh. It's not happening. I am going to work on forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, and I am going to learn from them and even though I'm not perfect and will have many bumps in the road, I will continue to dust myself off and . I am going to take the energy that I have been putting into fighting myself, and start fighting the fat instead! I'm going to take it one day and more importantly one moment at a time, and I refuse to give up. So if Self Saboteur and the Binge Monster happen to be eavesdropping, IT'S ON SUCKERS!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
This is about as REAL as I can get on here... but I have nothing to hide from you fine people. I don't expect everyone to be able to relate, but if you can and have found ways to combat the Binge Monster, this one is for you.
First off, I feel the word Binge can mean so many things to so many people. When I think of a binge, I picture someone in the kitchen just eating everything and it's almost like they are on auto pilot and are not aware of what they are doing. I used to get so caught up on the labels and I'd think to myself "well that's not what I do, I'm not a binge eater." But I am definitely an emotional eater (eat cuz I'm happy, bored, tired, cranky, sad)... and I am definitely an over eater. You don't get to 272 pounds eating normal and healthy amounts of food. But I am done getting caught up on the labels, because the truth of the matter that whatever it is that I do from time to time, is not a healthy behavior. For me it is more of an "I'm bored, I want to eat". Or sometimes there are no emotions involved and it's a simple "I want to eat." I know that I am not hungry, I just enjoy eating and I enjoy food. I was doing a really good job at telling myself "you aren't hungry, you will eat later when you're hungry", but that hasn't been doing the trick the last few days.
This past week my Self Sabotaeur teamed up with the Binge Monster, and really got on my case. You see, even after losing 80 pounds, there is still that little Saboteur that does not want to see me hit my goal weight. She is really sneaky, because she will disappear for weeks or even months at a time, only to pop up and bring me down in the blink of an eye! When she pairs up with the Binge Monster, they are a dynamic duo that can not be stopped, until now!
I had heard suggestions before of doing activities or something to distract yourself. I've also heard tips for finding lower calorie foods to eat when the urge hits, so that you can come away from it with less damage. I never used those suggestions, because I was so caught up in trying to get rid of the behavior entirely, and telling myself to stop the madness. I think I am at a point where I know I am going to have to battle the Binge Monster for the rest of my life. I am prepared for the fight, because it is worth it, and sometimes I can beat him to a pulp and come out unscathed. But I am looking for any tips you have heard of or might use yourself to fight him when I'm not so strong.
I read about setting a timer for 20 minutes, doing an activity, and if you still want to binge you can when you are done. If that happens I want to make a list of lower calorie foods that I would still like to eat, but nothing that I love or consider a treat because that would really mess me up LOL.
The only food I have come up with is the 40 calorie fudgecicles when I am wanting something sweet. But I definitely to find more foods that would help when I'm wanting something more salty.
For activities I have:
Reading a book or magazine
Staring a movie
Spending time thinking about how I felt at 270 pounds
Coming on Spark and giving goodies and commenting my spark friends
My binges or overeating days have definitely lessened and lessened over the last year and a half, but I really feel like I need a plan of action for when those days do hit. I need to realize that the urge may always be there and that I can't simply trick myself into thinking it'll go away on it's own... so that is why I need your help in putting a firm plan in place. Any suggestions on foods, activities or any other tips. The goal here is to not have the binge happen at all, but the list of foods is the back up plan for when all else fails.
I have little/no interest in seeking professional help on this issue. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for these things and I think it could be very beneficial to some. I feel like I am really self aware and understand a lot about why I do this, which is why I am researching and looking for tips to help work on it. This has also gone from something I did all the time to something that I can go months without doing, so I don't think it's a huge enough problem to go that route. It is just something that happens from time to time and I'm looking for a plan of action when those days come.
Edit: Interesting tidbit, even when the binge monster hits I still track all my food. If it is something that would typically be weighed I will weigh it and eat one serving. The issue of course is sometimes I go back in for yet ANOTHER serving. So I am realizing that if I am in the frame of mind to TRACK it and physically weigh out the portion, maybe while I'm weighing said food I really need to RETHINK what I'm doing and work on putting back all or at least some of the food I'm dishing out. (This is just a note to self really, I really want to work on this. :)
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