Sunday, September 22, 2013
I know there is not one person here on Spark who doesn't already know that this losing weight stuff is hard. There are times of 's and 's where things are easy and breezy and nothing can get in your way. Then there are the times where nothing goes right, you eat everything, and you are your own worst enemy.
I have been like a rubber ball bouncing all over the place lately! One day I'm super excited about my doctor's appointment, the next day I'm asking for advice on how to hold my ground against the Binge Monster. I couldn't be on two more opposite ends of the spectrum from day to day if I tried. Today what I realized is the only person standing in the way of me getting what I want (getting to my goal weight) is ME. I am sure some of you can relate to this... there is NO worse feeling than knowing that you are self sabotaging and making things harder on yourself.
In the past my Self Saboteur would come in after I would lose about 40 pounds, and beat me down emotionally until I said "You are right, I CAN'T do this, I will ALWAYS be fat" and I would go back to my old ways and gain all the weight back. This happened 3 times in life. This time I got all the way to the 50 pounds lost mark before she tried to beat me to a pulp. But this time I knew her game, I knew how she worked and I fought her tooth and nail until I won. She is so sneaky that she left me alone for a while... but she's back, and she's not pleased!
Here I sit, what should be 80 pounds lost but is probably 78 because I've gained 2ish pounds recently , and she is back with a vengeance. I feel like I am fighting myself on a daily basis the last 9 or so days;. She has teamed up with the Binge Monster and they are the dynamic duo! I am eating too much, too many calories, my tummy is not happy with me and yet I have done it probably 5 of the last 9 days. Why now? Why 18 months into my journey is she fighting me again? I really believe she is scared, she is scared of what happens when I get to my goal weight. People around me are already starting to change and I have even lost friends that can't handle the "new, smaller, awesome-er me". What other changes are in store? It is scary, change is scary, but it is something that I want so badly and I can't give up on it.
This time has to be different, I can not, and will not gain back those 80 pounds. In fact I will do just the opposite and head towards 100 pounds lost instead. That will show my Self Saboteur who is boss! To do this I need to incorporate the tips from my fellow Spark Friends on how to deal with the Binge Monster, and I have to truly TRY to fight him. Telling him no and immediately giving in is not a true fight! So the gloves are on (or is it the gloves are off? I'm not a scrapper LOL) and I mean business. Self Saboteur is going down as well! You aren't going to bully me back into my old habits so I can gain the weight back and you can have the last laugh. It's not happening. I am going to work on forgiving myself for the mistakes I have made, and I am going to learn from them and even though I'm not perfect and will have many bumps in the road, I will continue to dust myself off and . I am going to take the energy that I have been putting into fighting myself, and start fighting the fat instead! I'm going to take it one day and more importantly one moment at a time, and I refuse to give up. So if Self Saboteur and the Binge Monster happen to be eavesdropping, IT'S ON SUCKERS!
Saturday, September 21, 2013
This is about as REAL as I can get on here... but I have nothing to hide from you fine people. I don't expect everyone to be able to relate, but if you can and have found ways to combat the Binge Monster, this one is for you.
First off, I feel the word Binge can mean so many things to so many people. When I think of a binge, I picture someone in the kitchen just eating everything and it's almost like they are on auto pilot and are not aware of what they are doing. I used to get so caught up on the labels and I'd think to myself "well that's not what I do, I'm not a binge eater." But I am definitely an emotional eater (eat cuz I'm happy, bored, tired, cranky, sad)... and I am definitely an over eater. You don't get to 272 pounds eating normal and healthy amounts of food. But I am done getting caught up on the labels, because the truth of the matter that whatever it is that I do from time to time, is not a healthy behavior. For me it is more of an "I'm bored, I want to eat". Or sometimes there are no emotions involved and it's a simple "I want to eat." I know that I am not hungry, I just enjoy eating and I enjoy food. I was doing a really good job at telling myself "you aren't hungry, you will eat later when you're hungry", but that hasn't been doing the trick the last few days.
This past week my Self Sabotaeur teamed up with the Binge Monster, and really got on my case. You see, even after losing 80 pounds, there is still that little Saboteur that does not want to see me hit my goal weight. She is really sneaky, because she will disappear for weeks or even months at a time, only to pop up and bring me down in the blink of an eye! When she pairs up with the Binge Monster, they are a dynamic duo that can not be stopped, until now!
I had heard suggestions before of doing activities or something to distract yourself. I've also heard tips for finding lower calorie foods to eat when the urge hits, so that you can come away from it with less damage. I never used those suggestions, because I was so caught up in trying to get rid of the behavior entirely, and telling myself to stop the madness. I think I am at a point where I know I am going to have to battle the Binge Monster for the rest of my life. I am prepared for the fight, because it is worth it, and sometimes I can beat him to a pulp and come out unscathed. But I am looking for any tips you have heard of or might use yourself to fight him when I'm not so strong.
I read about setting a timer for 20 minutes, doing an activity, and if you still want to binge you can when you are done. If that happens I want to make a list of lower calorie foods that I would still like to eat, but nothing that I love or consider a treat because that would really mess me up LOL.
The only food I have come up with is the 40 calorie fudgecicles when I am wanting something sweet. But I definitely to find more foods that would help when I'm wanting something more salty.
For activities I have:
Reading a book or magazine
Staring a movie
Spending time thinking about how I felt at 270 pounds
Coming on Spark and giving goodies and commenting my spark friends
My binges or overeating days have definitely lessened and lessened over the last year and a half, but I really feel like I need a plan of action for when those days do hit. I need to realize that the urge may always be there and that I can't simply trick myself into thinking it'll go away on it's own... so that is why I need your help in putting a firm plan in place. Any suggestions on foods, activities or any other tips. The goal here is to not have the binge happen at all, but the list of foods is the back up plan for when all else fails.
I have little/no interest in seeking professional help on this issue. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for these things and I think it could be very beneficial to some. I feel like I am really self aware and understand a lot about why I do this, which is why I am researching and looking for tips to help work on it. This has also gone from something I did all the time to something that I can go months without doing, so I don't think it's a huge enough problem to go that route. It is just something that happens from time to time and I'm looking for a plan of action when those days come.
Edit: Interesting tidbit, even when the binge monster hits I still track all my food. If it is something that would typically be weighed I will weigh it and eat one serving. The issue of course is sometimes I go back in for yet ANOTHER serving. So I am realizing that if I am in the frame of mind to TRACK it and physically weigh out the portion, maybe while I'm weighing said food I really need to RETHINK what I'm doing and work on putting back all or at least some of the food I'm dishing out. (This is just a note to self really, I really want to work on this. :)
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
So we are all probably familiar with The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or treat others the way you want to be treated works pretty well too. Now of course not everyone follows this, but it's a pretty nice idea.
But what about the reverse of that? I think we need to remember to be kind to ourselves just as we would be kind to someone else. I think this rule definitely applies in the weight loss category, and Spark people is a perfect example of this!
Example 1: A Spark Friend posts how they totally messed up this week and they gained 1 lb! (Or maybe "only" lost 1 pound).
Reaction from Spark Friends: Don't worry! It happens to all of us! Just keep pushing forward and make this week a better week! Or if it was a case of "only" losing 1 pound, it would be: 1 pound is great! That is 1 less pound for you to lose in the future, you should be proud!
No matter what your reaction would be to the fellow Sparker, I am sure it would never be negative.
Example 2: A Spark Friend posts a blog about how they got attacked by the Binge Monster last night, and they totally derailed their progress.
Reaction from Spark Friends: I am so sorry to hear you had such a rough day! Today is a new day and a fresh start, and I know that you can make it a great day!
You would never tell a fellow Sparker: Oh man, what a piggy *oink oink*, how could you allow yourself to eat all of that food? You REALLY should have more self control!
So if we wouldn't respond to a fellow Sparker in such a negative way, why is it okay for us to to talk to ourselves that way? The answer to that is simple, it's not okay! But sometimes we forget that we need to treat ourselves with that same kindness, and we can get so down on ourselves.
I was guilty of that today. I had a horrible day Monday and despite blogging, venting, and even explaining to myself that food would not help my problems in any way, I still ended up with a visit from the Binge Monster. Today came all the negativity... Some of my questions to myself were valid: "Why would you allow yourself to do that?" "How do you feel after overeating?" I believe those questions were valid because I need to learn from my mistakes and work through the reasons I allow myself to eat that way from time to time. Getting in touch with my feelings was also helpful because I felt like crap physically and emotionally. So there was essentially no pay off from the "incident" yesterday. But then came the nasty comments: "This is why you will always be fat, you can't control yourself!" "What kind of a person would eat all of that food?" "Do you realize you ate enough calories for TWO days, how disgusting!"
But I finally had to step back and stop all the negativity. For me personally, that negativity creates a vicious circle that could lead me right into another binge. So I had to stop it, and turn it back around. I am still not proud of what happened yesterday, but I can chose to move forward and make today a better day and to make it a better week. I can continue to get stronger and take pride in the fact my Binge Monster days have become less and less over the last year and a half. I have gone from having several a month, to even skipping a month here or there or having 1-2. That is definitely progress, and it is something I will always have to work at and be conscious about, but it is definitely worth it!
So next time you are ready to beat yourself up about whatever it is that happened, stop and ask yourself what you would tell your fellow Spark Friends, and don't allow the negativity to creep in!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I love to blog about happy things, NSV's, scale victories, good days and just all of the 's and 's that go on. But I also realize that life isn't constant 's and 's and some days it's just & .
Disclaimer : It has been a cranky sort of day, so pure crankiness to follow. More importantly the "problems" that resulted in crankiness are very small non-problems... and I'm aware there are people with real problems, haha.
#1. I get to work today and someone threw out my bag of food. My bag of food had the date and initials on it, so it shouldn't have been a problem. It only had a couple pancakes in it, but it also had an almost full bottle of syrup and a little measuring cup. I checked all 4 (yes we have 4) fridges, nothing. I even went to the dumpster but I guess it's trash day because it's empty. So my measuring cup is gone (luckily from the dollar store), the pancakes that I planned on eating (no big deal, just annoying), but I managed to find the syrup in the door of the fridge. I am 99% sure it is the same one, it's Aunt Jemima Lite syrup with only a small amount missing. It doesn't expire til 2014, and most of the "community" stuff like ketchup is older than I am. So I took that back, booyah!
#2. (Which chronologically should be #1) I almost rear ended some idiot who kept hitting his break for no reason on the way to work! So I was finally changing lanes to get away from him because he (or she) was clearly an idiot, and of course as I looked back to check my blind spot they hit their breaks again, luckily I was able to get around them. *PHEW*
*Are you still reading this? I sure wouldn't be, I'm just venting lol, nothing interesting to see here!*
#3. People! I'm not a fan of people! Okay, Spark People are the exception to the rule, I love Spark People, but people in general, MEH! So my work does our schedules 3 months at a time. We have a list, it rotates. I always chose to work weekends if given the opportunity. But the holidays always screw it up because people want the holidays off (makes sense). So people that don't work the weekends all year will sign up to work weekends so they can have Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween off. Okay fine. I came to terms with it. I was last on the list so I am working weekdays (which I hate). I don't care about working the holidays, that comes with the job. We signed up months ago, but some guy quit. So they should switch someone to fill his spot. Basically they STILL haven't moved someone, and this starts in October. Frustrating. Frustrating because you can't put in time off when you don't know what days you are working, I have 3 weeks of vacation that I can't fully plan because I "might" get switched... and I can't do trades with people because I don't know the days. Everyone at my work has their lives planned out til the end of the year and I am stuck.
Then on top of it, this chick at work , who I already don't like... is ahead of me. So she says to me a month ago, "If they move someone, I will pass it up and LET YOU HAVE THEM, as long as you work the holidays for me." I couldn't do Thanksgiving because that is during my 3 week vacation, but agreed and would work Christmas and Halloween for her. I was going to have to work them anyways and it's not a big deal to me. Well now that over a month has past and they still don't know if they are going to move someone, I tell the girl you know what, scheduling sucks, I'm over it. I don't want to work the weekends anymore, I'm done, so if it comes up you make sure you take it so you can have the holidays off. To which she looks at my slightly annoyed "I don't want to work weekends!" I said well I'm over it so you pick whatever you want. Then she says "I guess I'll have to put in a time off request for Halloween", I said "yeah you should." She has barely been here not even 2 years, she won't get the holiday off it's based on seniority, and she wouldn't have gotten it off if she put it in a month earlier, so I didn't mess her up on that. But seriously, she was NEVER going to work weekends, she was tricking me into working the holidays for her so she could have everything she wanted. Getting weekends off and having the holidays off. I hate liars... there are some really nasty people at my work who are jerks in general but they know they are jerks and I can respect that LOL! It's the ones that act nice to your face and do shady crap behind your back that really bothers me. There is obviously more history with this girl that I won't go into, but I'm so annoyed and bothered by it. The funny part will be that they might "force" me to move because I'm at the bottom of the list, which will then mean I will "have" to work weekends, and I'll end up with the schedule I originally wanted (but no longer really care about) and will get Halloween and Christmas off, which isn't a big deal but at least a slap in the face to the other girl. If not neither of us move and both of us work weekdays and I will make sure not to sit anywhere near her.
So that is my day... Oh and my arthritis in my knee is starting to flare up,it's not awful yet and I'm hoping it stays that way. That has really messed with my fitness and fitness minute goals for this month and I am really down about that. I really wanted the 2,000 and while it is still possible I doubt I will be able to reach it if my knee keeps this up. I hate getting worked up over things that I can't control... and am working on letting it all go without eating everything. The emotional eater in me always wants to soothe myself with food (and a lot of it), but I do my best to fight it. I can eat a ton of food or chose not to, but I will have the same "problems" regardless, and I need to remember that.
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. *SIGHS*
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEPH-KNEE Posts