Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I have been having a rough week! When I say rough, I mean disaster area type stuff. I have eaten, and eaten until I was overly full , and then eaten some more! I have not done that in several months. I have probably gained 2 pounds this week (will know the damage Wednesday afternoon at weigh in), but more importantly I feel bloated and sluggish. This has ended up affecting my dog Sparky , because instead of our regular 2-3 mile walks, he's been getting jipped with measly 1 mile walks. He definitely doesn't deserve that... if I won't turn things around for me, I at least need to turn things around for him.
So my girl Susan and I were talking about how lately I've been eating like 272-pound-Stephanie. This means 3000+ calories a day in some cases. Other days maybe 2400, but far more food than I (or anyone for that matter) needs. For a brief second I thought to myself, 272-pound-Stephanie had it GOOD. I mean she could eat whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She never EVER worried about how many calories were in something or "if she should eat that". She didn't have to worry about finding time to exercise because she didn't exercise. But then I thought there was a lot more that 272-pound-Stephanie had to deal with that I was blocking out. I was forgetting about all of those things. So Susan suggested that I have a quick chat with 272-pound-Stephanie, make a list, and then send her on her way. No offense to her but I don't want her sticking around.
So of course I started off asking her how great it was to be able to eat whatever, whenever with 0 consequences. This was her response:
"Food is great! I eat almost nothing other than fast food and I love eating chicken strips, burgers, and french fries all the time."
I couldn't lie, she had me intrigued... not worrying about food or calories ever? How great is that? She saw the twinkle in my eye, and just as I responded "That sounds great!" She cut me off right there and she gave it to me straight!
"You aren't seeing the big picture. Eating whatever, whenever is the ONLY redeeming quality about the way I am living, and to be honest that is what is causing me the most damage. It is physically exhausting carrying around all this weight. I get winded walking up the 7 stairs to my bedroom. Tying my shoes is a struggle, doing the dishes hurts my knees and my back from all the standing. I can't walk through Target without breaking into a sweat. Each night before I go to bed, and I struggle to turn over, I say to myself I wish I could find the strength to lose this weight. The extra weight sits on my chest, and sometimes it is uncomfortable even just laying down. Having to buy bigger and bigger clothes because I am growing out of them makes me feel even more defeated. So trust me when I tell you, all of that food comes with a lot of consequences."
I immediately remembered how all of those things felt. I chose to block out all of the negative things and focused on the 1 thing that I thought was fun (back then). I had already learned my lesson but before 272-pound-Stephanie left, she let me know all of the things that she was jealous of... and reminded me to be thankful for what I have, and that I need to FIGHT to keep it.
"You do many many things I wish I could do. You can walk up and down the stairs with ease, doing dishes is no big deal for you. You can walk your dog Sparky 3 miles and I can not even walk him to the corner. The physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from carrying this weight is no longer a burden for you. You also have grown much more confident not only in your ability to lose the weight, but in life in general. You do not want to go back to where you were, so stop eating like you want that life back. We both know that it's not the life you want and it is not a place you want to return to. Keep your head up, dust yourself off, and work on getting deeper into Onederland!"
Okay okay, so that might have been a silly way to approach things, I didn't actually have this conversation with myself... but seeing the huge difference between the way I used to live and the way I live now made me realize just how far I have come. I will never forget what it was like to be so far overweight, but sometimes if we don't tap into that part of ourselves and give ourselves a gentle reminder, we can let that part slip away. We have to remember it is worth it and we have to continue to fight for what we want. We didn't set out on this journey because we didn't want to change something, and sometimes we have to go back to the very beginning and get in touch with why we are doing this.
So whether I have a 1-3 pound gain at weigh in, I will take that number, and I will do the work to get the weight off, and to keep doing the work to get to my goal weight. THEN I'm going to do the work, for a lifetime to KEEP the healthier body that I have worked so hard to get. This is going to be a lifetime struggle, but I don't mind struggling to keep something that I truly want.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
This is just an update, because I had so many fellow sparkers reach out with support and advice on the feral kittens Lilo and Stitch. They are doing wonderfully! I was able to pick them each up and put them back in their crate with no problem. The first time Lilo jumped out of my hand, but not in a mean way, but the second time she was fine. At first we were only petting them from the side when they weren't looking, but now even if they see your hand coming they will let you pet them.
They will still need some work of course, but they are definitely going to make good pets for someone at some point. We are trying to catch the last feral kitten tonight, so wish us luck because each day out there is another day older that kitten is getting. I think the fact that there were always lots of people at my work and the fact that these kittens already kind of associated humans with food has helped us in the taming. :)
Monday, August 26, 2013
As BLC comes to a close, I am conflicted about how I feel. I have done great for the majority of the 12 weeks, but this last week has been a struggle and I may very well have to post my first gain on the final weigh in. To go 11 weeks without gaining only to mess it up in the last week really messes with me. I'm trying not to dwell on it because BLC doesn't change things, this is still LIFE and we all have our ups and downs. It happens to everyone and I have to keep my head up and just keep on pushing. My team has opted not to take 4 weeks "off" between rounds because this is a lifestyle change and we have to keep pushing towards our goal weights 24/7. I also have not been able to redo my fit test which has me bummed, but between the kittens and walking Sparky and other shenanigans it just wasn't my first priority unfortunately. :(
So let's focus on the positives...
I've lost 16ish pounds. I can't say for sure because right now I am 196 but hoping to get back to at least 195.something by weigh in. Eek.
I've lost over 20 inches from all over my body!
I've had a ton of fitness minutes over the 12 weeks!
I've struggled but I've never given up!
My flexibility has also increased!
I can actually see differences in those photos which is always nice, my face has changed so much and my legs get smaller while my stomach just hangs there... but that's part of the process I guess lol. Next round I will wear the same clothes to get a more accurate comparison. :) Live and learn lol.
I really need to get my head in the game and get focused, I received my Hip Hop Abs and I am looking forward to getting more exercise other than walking into my routine. Someone pointed out that nutrition is more important when trying to get abs, so just for the record I am not looking to get abs, I am looking for a fun way to burn some extra calories. ;) I will never be small enough to SEE abs and that is not one of my goals, not even by a long shot.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Does anyone have any experience with feral cats? I think I got myself in over my head, and I am regretting it big time. I have my mom's help, but this just ugh...
Basically I've worked at my job over 5 years, there were 2 cats. A couple ladies there feed them. Over the years the momma cat has had litter after litter, and all the kittens would always end up dying. I should have done something about it then, but no one seemed to care so I ignored it. Well finally she had a litter of 3 cats survive. Which meant 5 full grown cats. 2 wandered off but 1 recently returned. Then both the momma cat and one of her full grown babies had a litter. One litter completely died, one had 3 survivors and are now 4 months old (give or take).
So of course everyone is complaining because there are 7 freakin cats, it's ridiculous. No one wanted to do anything about it so my mom and I are getting them fixed. The goal was to take home the 3 kittens, but we only caught 2. We have 2 adults fixed, still need to fix 2 adults, and the last kitten might end up just getting fixed and released. There is a Sgt there that wants to have the cats euthanized but I am not taking them to their deaths. I just fixed them, and released them. That has been their home and they are also doing their part to keep away any other cats. Apparently YEARS ago the same thing happened, and they had the cats taken away and these new ones moved in not long after.
I am just so frustrated because everything says after 4 months old you shouldn't try to tame them. I know I have to be patient, I know it takes time and it's only been 2 days. I read that you should have a spoon attached to something long, like chop sticks and try to get them to eat off the spoon through the crate and they refuse to even do that right now. Then on top of it, we gave them flea meds as soon as we got them but of course there are still fleas EVERYWHERE in that bedroom and it is the room with my guinea pigs. My mom is coming over in the afternoon and this is all just a mess. I vacuumed up a bunch of fleas but they are everywhere, and I don't want my guinea pigs getting eaten alive because I brought these stinkin kittens in.
I'm gonna watch some youtube videos on taming feral kittens and doing more research tomorrow, just curious if anyone had any experience with that? I guess I'm just looking for someone to say I did it and it was worth it, it just took time. My worry is that we do this for weeks and they don't get any better, and no one would adopt nasty cats, and I don't blame them. I am not even a cat person, isn't that funny? I guess I am just venting because I am just freaking out, especially over the fleas/guinea pig situation.
Sometimes I wonder why I do stupid crap like this, but I didn't want those cats to have 829038290 more cats and I know I've done the right thing, I love animals, I just wish the right thing didn't have to be so stressful!
Anyways, this is Lilo & Stitch *SIGHS*
I just wanted to say as a disclaimer, I am not freaking out because they haven't made progress in 2 days, I am prepared for this to take weeks, I think I'm just overwhelmed because I have 0 experience with this, plus the fleas/guinea pig thing is bothering me so much.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
(^This is the Onederland sign I had in my Onederland pic. It hangs on my wall above my scale so I can look at it everyday to remind me that I worked to get here and have to work to stay here.)
As I said in my status yesterday, I was chatting with my BFF Susan, and we talked about how I had a couple rough days and what not, and being the sweetie she is "At least you are staying in Onederland, so that's the best part!" I told her I am finally realizing that there are no season passes to Onederland! It isn't buy a day get a year free! I wish that was the case, and there were a few times my mind started slipping and thinking I didn't have to work as hard.
When I first got to Onederland last month, it was so much fun, I couldn't believe I did it! I just squeaked on in at 199.6 and was worried that I might see 200 in some of my weighing adventures (because sometimes I get on more than once a week). But I was very lucky that I have not stepped a foot outside of Onederland since I first arrived. That is fine and dandy but it also gave me a little bit of complacency. When I first hit it I had 2 kind of "whatever days" and I recently had 2 more "whatever days", but I have to remember that I still need to DO WORK.
My mind plays tricks on me sometimes, it's like it tells me that "I've got this" and lulls me into this false sense of security where I feel like I don't have to work as hard. What drives me crazy about this is, when I started my journey this time, I was committed for life. This was the first time that I realized that you don't "diet UNTIL you get to your goal weight, then eat whatever you want." I realized I had to make permanent changes, that I could stick with forever. I knew that maintaining my weight would take the same (if not more) effort that I was using to lose weight, and I was fine with this. The kicker of course is that I am not even at maintenance. I honestly don't know when maintenance will be... I'm confident I will know it when I see it. I will wake up one day and FEEL that I am at a good weight for myself and that will be when I maintain. But even when that glorious day comes, I still need to DO WORK. My girl Susan is always good at reminding me I have to do the work. I can't let the little gremlins in my mind tell me it's okay to slack off because I've worked so hard for so long.
I am ready to kick this up a notch, I am ready to get the rest of this weight off, no matter how much weight that might be. I ordered Hip Hop Abs and I'm super excited to start that... it looks like a lot of fun and it's definitely my kind of exercise. I don't know if I have shared this publicly in a blog, but after getting to my mystical goal weight, and maintaining for a bit, I am going to have a tummy tuck. I already have the money saved up and it is a choice I have made based on my body, and the amount of hanging skin I seem to have. The "apron" as you will just continues to get worse and worse as I lose the weight. A lot of people say "you'll be fine, it'll go back up", but I can honestly say that seems very unlikely at this point. I was overweight my entire life, the skin is stretched to the point of no return in a lot of places. If I can get to goal and my body magically takes care of itself then yay, but I am prepared financially and emotionally for the inevitable and being privileged enough to have that as an option has taken a huge load off my mind. I don't know that I would be able to push forward as hard with this weight loss if I didn't have that option, because my stomach getting worse and worse would probably start to discourage me. So I'm ready emotionally and financially for that, but I'm not at my goal and so that is my focus to get the rest of this weight off once and for all.
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEPH-KNEE Posts