STEPH-KNEE   70,152
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STEPH-KNEE's Recent Blog Entries

I'm In Such A Funk LOL

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I'm so far beyond funk, that funk isn't even the right word. It's all been downhill since my birthday. I turned 24, and I know that to most people (as I've heard from pretty much everyone) that is not a big deal at all. For whatever reason, I took it hard. I finally found a couple of friends who felt the same thing. I guess it is just mainly that I'm to the point of contemplating life, and how is it going to go. There is no more denying that I am an adult. It sounds weird, because I bought a condo last year, I have a great job... so I am very grownup in a lot of ways. I think I was more down because it seems most friends are married, or engaged or have kids, and I have none of that. But that was the start of my funk... then valentine's day coming up isn't helping. On top of it I haven't been able to sleep much in the past week and a half. I am at work now, surviving to try and stay up. I even am drinikng one of those disgusting energy drinks I hate, but it's not working. I get off at 5am this morning just to come back to work at 1pm. I hate Tuesdays!! Luckily I only have to do this every other week, but it's taking a toll on me. I can not wait until I get home at 10pm tomorrow night, and I can just sleep and hide from the world for 3 whole days... I'm hoping then I will be out of my funk. *SIGHS*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEIGHTING4BABY 2/9/2010 5:58AM

    it is SO hard to do this when you have a crazy schedule like that! Just collect yourself and try to put yourself on a schedule. Seriously, the beginning is the worst. if you can just get thru a 1 week streak you'll be so proud!:)

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STEPH-KNEE 2/9/2010 4:03AM

    Thanks guys! I'm just losing my marbles, but hopefully they roll back this way soon;)

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STMUELLER 2/9/2010 3:23AM

    I'm definitely 'funked out' too, though mine is more health issues at the moment. I feel your pain! And I hope that you can de-funk soon!!

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SHANNONC714 2/9/2010 12:58AM

    hope you get out of your funk soon! take care!!!

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Gee Mom, Way To Kick Me When I'm Down

Monday, February 01, 2010

So my earlier BLOG contained the comments of the skinny girls. Well it's just not my day. So the fine part is: my friend (the one I mentioned before that I went to Vegas with) said this to me: "The boys that like me actually like YOU, they just don't know it yet.. because I say all the cute stuff you say." So I told this to my mom, cuz I thought it was funny, and I know my mom wasn't trying to be rude, she just said what she thought.. and she said this...

"Too funny, her looks and your brains would make you 2 unstoppable."

This brings me back to another thing she said, where I know she wasn't trying to be mean.. but I am a dispatcher, so they only hear the voice. And so my mom heard me on the radio, and she told me this about it:

Mom: I heard you on the radio, and your voice makes you sound hot.
Me: *i just laughed i think*
Mom: Yeah, can you imagine if you were a hottie, those boys would be all over you.

Those boys as in, the deputies. And it's like again, what she said may be true, and I know she wasn't being mean. I know I am in no way a hottie, and I have years of low self esteem to show it, and I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, it just gets really old after a while...

I know that if I was secure with myself, this stuff wouldn't bother me. I guess it's just been a really bad day in general... and I'm just feeling down in the dumps, and her comment didn't help. I've always had the mentality 'oh maybe that guy would like me if I were skinny' or a 100 other 'if I were skinny' thoughts... I'm just at my witts end at this point.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 2/1/2010 10:33AM

    Wow, I'm so sorry for you. That's awful to hear your mom talk to you like that. But, I too had my mom say things like that to me. I wrote a blog about it a looooooong time ago in the beginning of Dec I think where she told me she didn't think I'd ever be able to be smaller than a 14. A 14 is STILL a plus size. I refuse to be a plus size. It's not healthy. I still have so much extra fat on me. And I vowed that if I had to work that much harder just to do it, I would. And it definitely hurt me that she'd say something like that to me. And I'm not one for letting people walk over me. My mom always told me I'd never let grass grow under my feet... So I say things to her to let her know that certain things are hurtful, and you're right. Her response was I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just being realistic.

Ouch. I guess I've tried "dieting" so much in the past that she has lost faith with me. I know I have a lot to lose, but man. I know my body size is larger than most, so I'll never be 120 pounds, but she refuses to think that I can be a healthy 160. Stand up to your mom, and to people around you. When you start to respect yourself, others will respect you. It sounds corny, but it's true. And that's how I've grown up. I've always been a confident person and it's all because of weight issues. Don't let these people get to you. You're worth more than that!

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:36AM

    Miranda, just saw your comment. I figure some people are just rude, but some people don't think about it. Just like my mom just now. I know she wasn't meaning to be hurtful, but jeez.. think before you speak. And yeah I'm sick of it too.

Thanks about the guy comment. I sit here sometimes and I think 'wow, if I would just lose the weight I could find a good guy' and yada yada yada. But then I start thinking about it, and if this guy wouldn't accept me at a higher weight, he doesn't deserve me at a lower weight. But I am with you, I want to get off the fat train for ME and no one else. I want to feel good about myself, and driving a few people crazy in the mean time is only a bonus;)

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:33AM

    Thanks. I just think the comment came at a really bad time... it's just one of those days. But I will try to not let it get to me. Thanks so much for the comment, I really appreciate it!

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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/1/2010 5:32AM

    ugh! I get that ALL THE TIME too about my voice! At my old job, customers (men) would sometimes say something about it! and lots of co workers. But it doesn't "match me".
Well girlfriend, this is where we get off the fat train:)
By the way, whether you lose weight or not the right guy who finds you completely irresistable is out there!!:)

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HUNTINGGODDESS 2/1/2010 5:20AM

    Why do you let people bring you down? Seriously try to talk your mind more. And skinny does not equal sexy. Confidence is sexy. I think you should try to embrace yourself more. Not everyone likes a stick either. Just keep your head high. You can do it. emoticon

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Not In The Mood For Skinny Girl Talk & New Routine

Monday, February 01, 2010

So as I sit at work, there are 3 computer in each "pod" as we call them. I am sitting with two girls, who I really enjoy. I even went to Vegas with one of them. Neither of them have weight issues, although one is pregnant. So the one I went to Vegas with is looking through party photos of some people on Facebook and she said that the one guy really needed to lose some weight. Now I wasn't involved in this conversation, and I never even acknowledged it or turned to look. Then she said something about 'it's the weight, it just makes people look... not cute'. Now I still never said anything or even let on that I was listening... but I do know the other girl must have pointed to me or made some sort of gesture... because even though she didn't respond... the girl who made the original comment quickly said 'well it's not even that he's big, it's just something about him is off, and he has a big head lol' and made a joke about it. Again, I never even acknowledged, but I am just sick of hearing people's comments. It goes both ways though, I don't want them to have to censor themselves around me for fear of hurting my feelings, but I also get sick of hearing about stuff like that. So oh well, it is what it is. Just makes me want to lose this weight THAT much more. Although I went to Vegas with her, she is one of those people that would NOT hang out with me if I were skinny... because she wouldn't like the possibility of competition... it's funny how you can just tell how people are. She already doesn't like the fact that i'm like 11 years younger then her, god forbid I lose this weight, she won't want to be seen with me in public ha ha!

The other thing is, I work 12 hours a day. So between the 2 hour commute, and needing time to get ready in the morning, and sleep.. my days are pretty packed when I work. When I'm off I have NO problem exercising. I have tried waking up early to exercise, that hasn't worked. Especially working the dreaded graveyard shift, my sleeping habits have enough trouble as it is. Well yesterday when I got home, I exercised. I felt great, so I am hoping I can make it a regular routine to exercise when I get home from work.

The crankier I get with people and in general, the more I want to lose this weight. So maybe it's a blessing in disguise;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAZZYM150 2/1/2010 11:08AM

    As my sister would say "I would rather be fat than ugly in the mouth"

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CARLA393 2/1/2010 10:23AM

    Oh my goodness, you have it rough! It was so much easier for me to create a solid workout foundation because I'm not working. Eventually when I find a job I will be able to incorporate it into my day because of everything I have learned. It is SO hard when your schedule is THAT busy during the week. It was like that when I was in college, and that's why I failed every time I tried to lose weight. I didn't have the strength or discipline it takes. I admire you so much more because of that! It's such a big hurdle and you're doing so well to move forward!

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:45AM

    LOL, you are awful, but I love it;) But you are right, everyone is self concious about something. And for her it is totally her age.. she even tells guys she's dating she's in her late 20's, um ur 35, ur not even early thirties. ay yi yi.

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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/1/2010 5:40AM

    lol it is SOO mean but sometimes I will do it. I know what they're self concious of and make a mental note to crack on it later. I'm awful! haha

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:37AM

    LOL *heart* ya girlie xoxo

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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/1/2010 5:30AM

    i would make a comment about how gross people are when they are her age..haha j/k

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 1:30AM

    Aw thanks, I'm just cranky today LOL. In reality, I want to lose this weight just so I can feel good about myself, there will always be someone who thinks I'm fat, and I could careless about that. I'm just in a mood today;)

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BRAYDRAY 2/1/2010 12:55AM

    well, first off don't listen to others and you need to lose the weight for you not for her...:) Just try your best to stay positive and treat yourself well.

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I don't know why I drag my feet...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I fall off the wagon, but I hop back on. It just seems like I'm dragging my feet at this point, and I don't know why lol. I've lost about 18-19 pounds, but I had already lost 15 probably by the beginning of December. I gained some back, lost it again. It just seems like I'm staying afloat. I don't mind a slow, steady weight loss at all... but it seems I am just majorly dragging my feet. I will exercise 3-4 times in a week, and maybe only exercise once the next. I guess I need to find some motivation, I just don't know where to look;) I am glad that I have spark people and some amazing people to talk to, I honestly believe without this site I would have already thrown in the towel and gained back the pounds I have lost. I don't plan to leave this site, or the friends I've made, so that just means I have to keep on trucking with the weight loss;) That is how I trick myself into not quiting.

I think what drives me the most crazy is I know how to lose weight. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Yesterday after I exercised I felt so great... I'm trying not to focus so much on the pounds lost (I am/was obsessed with the scale) and focus on how I FEEL. When I eat terribly and don't exercise, I feel just so icky. But when I'm eating well and exercising I just feel better in general. So I don't know why I continue to go down this journey kicking and screaming... but I will just keep moving forward:)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEIGHTING4BABY 1/30/2010 6:07PM

    Only you can do it!

If you continue to do what you ALWAYS do, then you'll always have what you have now.

My grandma used to say that to me! One day at a time...slowly. How about I challenge you to lose 4 lbs before Feb 14th! :)

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CARLA393 1/30/2010 11:21AM

    You wrote exactly how I felt during my down week. I ate poorly, and in return, I felt horrible about myself and didn't want to go to the gym. I was so upset with myself, beating myself up, that I was letting it all happen. I finally got back into regular exercise, which was good, but when I still snacked I still was down about it. It wasn't until I kicked my butt and told myself that I am MISERABLE beating myself up like that that I got back into action. I feel 100 times better when I'm eating right and exercising, because my body has the nutrients it needs to produce the energy I need. Plus, exercising releases endorphins which make us happy! The day I got back on track I felt so good about myself for doing it, that the next day was easy to follow, and finally I stopped my bad habits.

It's not going to be the only time I'm going to have to dig deep to pull myself out of a slump, but what really helps keep me going, is reminding myself of how great I feel about myself when I exercise right and eat right. When I remember that, it gets a little bit easier to deny myself bad treats or convince myself to go to the gym. I'm so glad you're sticking with SP! And I'm so glad we found each other. Your support means a lot to me, and I know that you can defeat this hurdle and get back on track. I'm so proud of you for continuing to lose since December. Remember that, it's a big deal, imagine how you'd feel if you had GAINED that weight. Small bits at a time moves you in the right direction.

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Being dragged behind the wagon...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I am the most inconsistent person over the past two weeks. Everything from my eating to my exercising. One day I'm perfect, the next I'm eating junk. I also have come to realize that I am one of those people who is OBSESSED with the scale, and it was really messing with my motivation. I am one of those people who wakes up everyday and gets on the scale, and if it doesn't say what I want, I get discouraged. Logically I know that's ridiculous, and I only 'count' it once a week... but it is really messing with my mind. So I think I am going to put the scale up in the closet for about 2 weeks. I want to exercise CONSISTENTLY and stay in my calories CONSISTENTLY for 2 weeks and then get on the scale and see what I've done. I need to do something quick, because although I haven't FULLY stumbled back into my old habits, I see bits and pieces of them popping back up, and I don't like that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 1/21/2010 11:52AM

    I am also one of those obsessed scale people. I get on it every day. It's just sitting there in the bathroom, so I'll step on a few times a day when I'm in there. I guess it's not very healthy to do that, but I don't really trust what it says. When I do everything right sometimes it doesn't move for 5 days. It's just a guideline I like to watch over it. It doesn't determine how I eat, so I guess I'm lucky. I've read so much stuff that talks about weight loss doesn't happen the day you do things, it happens over a period of days and weeks. So in those 5 days doing everything right, I could have burned enough calories to lose 2 pounds, but I don't actually see the drop until later. Week to week is a better guideline, and month to month is even better. I agree that putting the scale away if it's hurting you is a good idea. Don't keep things around that sabotage your progress! Keep it up girlie, I'm here rooting for you.

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KNICKGIRL 1/21/2010 8:48AM

    emoticon I know what you mean about the scale. I let it determine if I'm going to have a good day or bad day. This is why I force myself to only weigh in on Mondays. Great idea to put the scale away for a couple of weeks. That should help you get back on track! .. emoticon

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NWLIFESRC 1/21/2010 8:38AM

    Try to stay positive and do what feels right. There is no right or wrong way for this journey just your way. Keep the faith and be honest with yourself.

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