Friday, February 26, 2010
This is by no means any great accomplishment... but it comes down to this. I would say for the entire month of February, while partially dragging my feet, I could not get under 255 pounds. I think that is part of the reason I started to lose so much motivation. I just could not understand why my body had to be so stubborn. Well this morning I had a pleasant surprise when I see the scale show a number of 253! I am just so relieved that it has finally gotten past the dreaded 255! This has given me a new "spark" under my butt, and is making me want to keep doing what I have been doing *and* kick it up a notch. I have been kind of skating by, and modifying certain behaviors, but not doing everything as consistently as I should. I can't wait to break the 250 barrier now. It's so on;)
Friday, February 19, 2010
I'd say that pretty much sums up how I've been for most of the month of February. No excuses, just pure laziness. I know I've been in a funk since my birthday... and I think it was just one of those things where I was wondering what life has in store for me. I really want to have a family some day... and even though I am in no rush... it is something sometimes I panic about. But the thing is, I am not even happy with myself, so there is no way I am going to put myself out there for someone else. I need to wait until I am put back together, and my confidence is back. I truly believe I *know* how to do this, and I understand this is something I have to work towards, but for whatever reason, I just stopped. The only thing I can think of is pure laziness. I started to think I wasn't exercising because I was feeling depressed... but now that I have exercised just two days in a row... I'm already feeling better. So maybe I was feeling depressed because I wasn't exercising. What a concept lol.
So no more talking... I've done enough of that over the past couple months it is time for action. 2 days down, a lifetime to go. I am going to visit my grandma from march 1st - march 4th... normally we would be out to eat all the time, gallavanting around town (she lives in Las Vegas mind you)... but this time will be different. I told her we can go out once, maybe even twice, but no more of this lunch and dinners OUT everyday. She is being so supportive, she is always my biggest cheerleader. She is working on losing weight herself, so I know she gets it. She even told me to bring my exercise DVD with me. Normally I would have the mentality of 'it's vacation, so I should be able to eat and do whatever I want', but this time is different. But enough of my rambling, hopefully from now on I will *do* what I know I need to do, and it will reflect in my weight loss ticker;)
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I'm so far beyond funk, that funk isn't even the right word. It's all been downhill since my birthday. I turned 24, and I know that to most people (as I've heard from pretty much everyone) that is not a big deal at all. For whatever reason, I took it hard. I finally found a couple of friends who felt the same thing. I guess it is just mainly that I'm to the point of contemplating life, and how is it going to go. There is no more denying that I am an adult. It sounds weird, because I bought a condo last year, I have a great job... so I am very grownup in a lot of ways. I think I was more down because it seems most friends are married, or engaged or have kids, and I have none of that. But that was the start of my funk... then valentine's day coming up isn't helping. On top of it I haven't been able to sleep much in the past week and a half. I am at work now, surviving to try and stay up. I even am drinikng one of those disgusting energy drinks I hate, but it's not working. I get off at 5am this morning just to come back to work at 1pm. I hate Tuesdays!! Luckily I only have to do this every other week, but it's taking a toll on me. I can not wait until I get home at 10pm tomorrow night, and I can just sleep and hide from the world for 3 whole days... I'm hoping then I will be out of my funk. *SIGHS*
Monday, February 01, 2010
So my earlier BLOG contained the comments of the skinny girls. Well it's just not my day. So the fine part is: my friend (the one I mentioned before that I went to Vegas with) said this to me: "The boys that like me actually like YOU, they just don't know it yet.. because I say all the cute stuff you say." So I told this to my mom, cuz I thought it was funny, and I know my mom wasn't trying to be rude, she just said what she thought.. and she said this...
"Too funny, her looks and your brains would make you 2 unstoppable."
This brings me back to another thing she said, where I know she wasn't trying to be mean.. but I am a dispatcher, so they only hear the voice. And so my mom heard me on the radio, and she told me this about it:
Mom: I heard you on the radio, and your voice makes you sound hot.
Me: *i just laughed i think*
Mom: Yeah, can you imagine if you were a hottie, those boys would be all over you.
Those boys as in, the deputies. And it's like again, what she said may be true, and I know she wasn't being mean. I know I am in no way a hottie, and I have years of low self esteem to show it, and I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, it just gets really old after a while...
I know that if I was secure with myself, this stuff wouldn't bother me. I guess it's just been a really bad day in general... and I'm just feeling down in the dumps, and her comment didn't help. I've always had the mentality 'oh maybe that guy would like me if I were skinny' or a 100 other 'if I were skinny' thoughts... I'm just at my witts end at this point.
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