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STEPH-KNEE's Recent Blog Entries
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Friday, February 19, 2010
I'd say that pretty much sums up how I've been for most of the month of February. No excuses, just pure laziness. I know I've been in a funk since my birthday... and I think it was just one of those things where I was wondering what life has in store for me. I really want to have a family some day... and even though I am in no rush... it is something sometimes I panic about. But the thing is, I am not even happy with myself, so there is no way I am going to put myself out there for someone else. I need to wait until I am put back together, and my confidence is back. I truly believe I *know* how to do this, and I understand this is something I have to work towards, but for whatever reason, I just stopped. The only thing I can think of is pure laziness. I started to think I wasn't exercising because I was feeling depressed... but now that I have exercised just two days in a row... I'm already feeling better. So maybe I was feeling depressed because I wasn't exercising. What a concept lol.
So no more talking... I've done enough of that over the past couple months it is time for action. 2 days down, a lifetime to go. I am going to visit my grandma from march 1st - march 4th... normally we would be out to eat all the time, gallavanting around town (she lives in Las Vegas mind you)... but this time will be different. I told her we can go out once, maybe even twice, but no more of this lunch and dinners OUT everyday. She is being so supportive, she is always my biggest cheerleader. She is working on losing weight herself, so I know she gets it. She even told me to bring my exercise DVD with me. Normally I would have the mentality of 'it's vacation, so I should be able to eat and do whatever I want', but this time is different. But enough of my rambling, hopefully from now on I will *do* what I know I need to do, and it will reflect in my weight loss ticker;)
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I'm so far beyond funk, that funk isn't even the right word. It's all been downhill since my birthday. I turned 24, and I know that to most people (as I've heard from pretty much everyone) that is not a big deal at all. For whatever reason, I took it hard. I finally found a couple of friends who felt the same thing. I guess it is just mainly that I'm to the point of contemplating life, and how is it going to go. There is no more denying that I am an adult. It sounds weird, because I bought a condo last year, I have a great job... so I am very grownup in a lot of ways. I think I was more down because it seems most friends are married, or engaged or have kids, and I have none of that. But that was the start of my funk... then valentine's day coming up isn't helping. On top of it I haven't been able to sleep much in the past week and a half. I am at work now, surviving to try and stay up. I even am drinikng one of those disgusting energy drinks I hate, but it's not working. I get off at 5am this morning just to come back to work at 1pm. I hate Tuesdays!! Luckily I only have to do this every other week, but it's taking a toll on me. I can not wait until I get home at 10pm tomorrow night, and I can just sleep and hide from the world for 3 whole days... I'm hoping then I will be out of my funk. *SIGHS*
Monday, February 01, 2010
So my earlier BLOG contained the comments of the skinny girls. Well it's just not my day. So the fine part is: my friend (the one I mentioned before that I went to Vegas with) said this to me: "The boys that like me actually like YOU, they just don't know it yet.. because I say all the cute stuff you say." So I told this to my mom, cuz I thought it was funny, and I know my mom wasn't trying to be rude, she just said what she thought.. and she said this...
"Too funny, her looks and your brains would make you 2 unstoppable."
This brings me back to another thing she said, where I know she wasn't trying to be mean.. but I am a dispatcher, so they only hear the voice. And so my mom heard me on the radio, and she told me this about it:
Mom: I heard you on the radio, and your voice makes you sound hot.
Me: *i just laughed i think*
Mom: Yeah, can you imagine if you were a hottie, those boys would be all over you.
Those boys as in, the deputies. And it's like again, what she said may be true, and I know she wasn't being mean. I know I am in no way a hottie, and I have years of low self esteem to show it, and I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, it just gets really old after a while...
I know that if I was secure with myself, this stuff wouldn't bother me. I guess it's just been a really bad day in general... and I'm just feeling down in the dumps, and her comment didn't help. I've always had the mentality 'oh maybe that guy would like me if I were skinny' or a 100 other 'if I were skinny' thoughts... I'm just at my witts end at this point.
Monday, February 01, 2010
So as I sit at work, there are 3 computer in each "pod" as we call them. I am sitting with two girls, who I really enjoy. I even went to Vegas with one of them. Neither of them have weight issues, although one is pregnant. So the one I went to Vegas with is looking through party photos of some people on Facebook and she said that the one guy really needed to lose some weight. Now I wasn't involved in this conversation, and I never even acknowledged it or turned to look. Then she said something about 'it's the weight, it just makes people look... not cute'. Now I still never said anything or even let on that I was listening... but I do know the other girl must have pointed to me or made some sort of gesture... because even though she didn't respond... the girl who made the original comment quickly said 'well it's not even that he's big, it's just something about him is off, and he has a big head lol' and made a joke about it. Again, I never even acknowledged, but I am just sick of hearing people's comments. It goes both ways though, I don't want them to have to censor themselves around me for fear of hurting my feelings, but I also get sick of hearing about stuff like that. So oh well, it is what it is. Just makes me want to lose this weight THAT much more. Although I went to Vegas with her, she is one of those people that would NOT hang out with me if I were skinny... because she wouldn't like the possibility of competition... it's funny how you can just tell how people are. She already doesn't like the fact that i'm like 11 years younger then her, god forbid I lose this weight, she won't want to be seen with me in public ha ha!
The other thing is, I work 12 hours a day. So between the 2 hour commute, and needing time to get ready in the morning, and sleep.. my days are pretty packed when I work. When I'm off I have NO problem exercising. I have tried waking up early to exercise, that hasn't worked. Especially working the dreaded graveyard shift, my sleeping habits have enough trouble as it is. Well yesterday when I got home, I exercised. I felt great, so I am hoping I can make it a regular routine to exercise when I get home from work.
The crankier I get with people and in general, the more I want to lose this weight. So maybe it's a blessing in disguise;)
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I fall off the wagon, but I hop back on. It just seems like I'm dragging my feet at this point, and I don't know why lol. I've lost about 18-19 pounds, but I had already lost 15 probably by the beginning of December. I gained some back, lost it again. It just seems like I'm staying afloat. I don't mind a slow, steady weight loss at all... but it seems I am just majorly dragging my feet. I will exercise 3-4 times in a week, and maybe only exercise once the next. I guess I need to find some motivation, I just don't know where to look;) I am glad that I have spark people and some amazing people to talk to, I honestly believe without this site I would have already thrown in the towel and gained back the pounds I have lost. I don't plan to leave this site, or the friends I've made, so that just means I have to keep on trucking with the weight loss;) That is how I trick myself into not quiting.
I think what drives me the most crazy is I know how to lose weight. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Yesterday after I exercised I felt so great... I'm trying not to focus so much on the pounds lost (I am/was obsessed with the scale) and focus on how I FEEL. When I eat terribly and don't exercise, I feel just so icky. But when I'm eating well and exercising I just feel better in general. So I don't know why I continue to go down this journey kicking and screaming... but I will just keep moving forward:)
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