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Struggling, Maintaining-ish, and Trying To Survive...

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

emoticonDisclaimer: Usually I am a huge fan of the tough love "just get off your butt and do it!", but I don't need that right now. Trust me, I am hard enough on myself at this point, and I am feeling pretty delicate, so if you're comment was going to be "Stop being lazy and get it done", that really isn't going to help me right now. emoticon

It's no surprise that I'm struggling. The scale is back up between 212-215. I am desperately trying not to let it go above 215. I do not want to slip back in the 220's.

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I know that is no excuse. Everyone has problems, things to deal with, struggles, and some people still get it done, and some crumble under the pressure. I am trying to find the in between. I am trying to deal with my stuff without packing back on the pounds, yet I am definitely being honest when I say I am not pushing towards my goal.

There are huge changes at work... they are remodeling which leaves us to dispatch in a tiny trailer, which is not fun. That is the smallest of my problems btw. ;) The others are so personal that I am not going in depth on those.

Sheldon (my dog) isn't doing well, and I know I am going to have to take him to have him put down soon. It breaks my heart.

The other struggles are super personal, I had put the gist of it in my status updates, I ended a friendship with someone I had known 12 years. I completely ended things with "the boy", found some closure but I am still healing. So many changes, and I am not a fan of change.

I am going to say this, and I don't need any comments about "don't settle, you need to keep pushing"... I am not giving up and I am not settling... but this is the thing. I feel OKAY at this weight. Now hear what I said, I feel OKAY. I will not settle for okay, I want to feel great. And while I don't know what my magical "I feel great" weight is going to be, I know it lies within Onederland though and I will find out in time. I feel so much better at this weight because it is the lowest I have been in years. I was 19 and 205... and it was downhill from there. So even getting back near that at age 27 is a huge accomplishment. So while I feel better in comparison, I know it isn't where I want to stay in the long term.

I have fallen out of tracking my food which is something I had always done, no matter how bad the calories were. So I am going to work on getting back to that. I need to get back on top of my walking at work and all of those things.

Working in the trailer threw a wrench in my food plan because I am no longer allowed to get up 6 times a day to go make food to eat my small meals. That is not possible and this is a situation I will be in for several months. I really feel like I am reevaluating everything. My life, my weight loss journey, my friends... it is a scary and unsure time for me but I am trying not to fall into the pit of despair. I don't want my next blog to be 3 months from now and me telling you I am 250 pounds.

I am not giving up, even in my hardest times I have still managed to not go above 215 and I want to at least get back to 210 and if I hang around there I hang around there.

I also made the executive decision to take my Ipod from my parents. I am nowhere near 199 and it's not coming any time soon. And now dispatching out of a freakin trailer I really need that damn thing for my sanity. You can judge me if you want, but I dropped the 300 bucks on it, it's been collecting dust almost 4 months and I'm just over it.

I am proud of the fact that I haven't shot back up into the 220's and my focus is just back to tracking, but my focus is also in other areas of my life and I have to do what is best for me. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHERFREE 4/8/2013 2:41PM

    Right now I feel the SAME as you do! That I feel okay right here where I've gotten to so far and I am working on other things until I can get my head back in the game. I hope you can get back on your tracking because I believe it will save you alot of possible gaining. I weighed today and had a two pound gain I'm one pound away from the dreaded 230 and it makes me so angry but if I can just get myself to never go up to 230 and above during this hard time then I will make it through! I know you will get to your goal one day and really we are so much better then our fat girl sides, we aren't the same people we used to be and that will never be taken from us

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MRSBEDWELL 4/8/2013 11:32AM

    At least you see what's going on! Maybe you can make healthy snacks and keep them at your desk. At least that could help with the food part. I was really bad about not tracking when I was binging, but I told myself "it takes 2 minutes" and if I see it at least I own it! You can do this! Good luck!

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LISAN0415 4/7/2013 3:43AM

    I just wanted to say so sorry for all the difficulties you are going through- You desrve nothing but happiness, I truly want to believe that it's always darkest right before the sun rises, so I am hoping strongly that some positive things are coming your way!

The changes you have made are difficult ones, but the best for you, cutting out toxic things and bringing in things that make you happy are only going to lead to more happiness :)

But, I am so so so sorry about Sheldon, that breaks my heart too, I know how difficult it is to lose a treasured pet. You have been lucky to have such a great companion, and he has been so lucky to have you as his caretaker and family.

Best wishes to you! We are all here for you, even if you have to vent- we've all been there!

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JACOBSBELOVED 4/6/2013 12:38AM

    Ah, Steph, I am so sorry for everything.

I feel for you so much for your struggles with Sheldon. You of course know my beloved Ruby just passed away, so I feel your pain so much. I thankfully didn't have to make that difficult decision about putting her down, so I can't imagine the heartbreak that comes with that. Pets are your family and are more dependable than most people. I feel so incredibly bad for you.

I'm sorry the scale got back up to the teens. You're going through so much right now and that's the last thing you want to see.

When you say you're "Okay with the weight I'm at", I get it. You seem to be more accepting of your body (yay!) and you're just feeling more comfortable with how your body feels after losing so much weight (please correct me if I'm wrong!). Not to mention there seems to be more going on in your life right now than normal, and losing weight may not be a priority right now like it usually is.

Don't try to please people by doing what they think you should be doing at this time. Do what you think is best for you.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. This seems like so much to deal with right now and hopefully it only gets better from here.

I'm also sorry I just now saw this blog. You're so diligent in keeping up with mine but it took me a few days to see yours. I'm vowing to being a better SP friend. :)

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ZELDABEE 4/5/2013 9:00AM

    I'm right there with you and I'm so proud of you. You've come so far and it's amazing, sometimes i think we lose track of how far we've come because we are too busy looking ahead and we forget to live our lives. I'm so sorry to hear about Sheldon, I can't imagine how difficult that is right now - sending puppy love to you both. I'll just end off with this, your amazing - that is all.

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EATVEGAN 4/5/2013 1:07AM

    Just be kind to yourself. No matter what you're dealing with, you'll get it straightened out. I have faith in you. If you just need to take time to figure it out, do it. It's all about YOU. emoticon

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AHTRAP 4/5/2013 12:33AM

    just keep in mind, even when everything is trying to make it the furthest thing from your mind, that it's a lot more work to get rid of it than it is putting it on. Your head's got to be in the right place, just don't get too lost in those mental stormclouds that suddenly came from the horizon to IN YOUR FACE.

And one way to avoid that "what have i done" blog? Keep scribbling in this space, even if you don't feel like it. Even if it makes you put up with some of us when you really don't want to. You never know, one of us might have that phrase or thought that might help you turn things around.

Assuming, of course, that things ever need to get turned around, rather than minorly adjusted. I'm betting on the latter, actually.

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CORTNEY-LEE 4/4/2013 8:39PM

    I wish you the best my friend!

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JESSICA_STULTZ 4/4/2013 8:37PM

    Nobody's weight loss journey is perfect. Don't let anybody get you down. Even if you do gain a couple pounds, it will come off again. I've also become comfortable with my weight. I feel ok with where I am sitting.. but I really want to lose more. I can't, for the life of me, find the motivation to lose more! For awhile I was just forcing myself to do it, whether or not I wanted to.. and I can't even get myself to do that lately! Hope things get better for you soon so you can get back to trucking towards your goals!

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AZULVIOLETA6 4/4/2013 4:20PM

    Right there with you. I've had some health problems lately that have kept me from exercising, along with a major family crisis and some work stress. I was out of town for about a month living in a hotel, and the free snacks were way too much temptation. I jumped from 208 back up to 218...grrr. I'm back down to 212 just by being very careful with my eating, but goodness it is frustrating! I think that you just have to take it day by day and do the best that you can until you are ready to full-on attack the issue again.

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PRETTYPITHY 4/4/2013 2:03PM

    It sounds like you are actually doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Good luck with tracking -- as you already know, it really does make a huge difference! emoticon

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ATTACKFATCAT 4/4/2013 1:21PM

    I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds like you are dealing with change in just about every aspect of your life, and when that happens, it is really difficult to focus on weight loss. There is no need to beat yourself up about trying to lose more weight with all of that going on, and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Life isn't always just chugging along in a straight line while we try to lose weight. It had it's curves and twists and you just have to learn to roll with it in the best way possible to take care of yourself. Sometimes, that means weight loss can't take 1st priority. Like you said, that doesn't mean you can just eat with wild abandon. If you are really OK with taking a pause (not "settling", I hate that word), then use this time to really hone in on what you've learned. Focus on continuing healthy habits where you can, like walking your pup and eating as healthy as you can. All of these things will help with your stress levels and how you feel about yourself as you go through all the craziness in your life right now. Maintaining your current weight loss is just as important a goal as it is to lose weight. So don't beat yourself up about it. Just focus on what's best for you right now and don't let weight loss add to the stress in your life.

I went through a divorce, dating, juggling a full-time job with full-time graduate school, and student teaching. During that time, I basically had to stop focusing on losing weight and maintain. I managed to keep all but 10 pounds off of what I had originally lost. I am really proud that I did that and I knew I hadn't given up. I knew I would get to my goal weight one day, it just would take a little longer than expected. In fact, that pause taught me a lot of patience when it comes to weight loss, which I think is something we all struggle with.

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AMCLELLAN 4/4/2013 8:35AM

    I believe we all need time to take care of ourselves sometimes, even in a journey of taking care of ourselves by losing weight. I know that is confusing, but it is okay to take care of other life issues. You know how to do this, so just do what you need to do. This is your journey, you life, no one elses. When you started down this road you weren't given a map, you weren't shown exactly what twists and turns were along the way. So it's okay to slow down and figure things out. Some things that happen are unforseeable. Like a tree that just falls on a road.

No matter how long it takes, you will reach your goals. Take your time to get yourself back to the place you need to be. Remember, you are better today than you were one year ago. That is important to remember. Maintaining, even within a range, is better than gaining a bunch. I know you won't just sit down and give up. You got this. I have faith in you, and I know you do to.

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MARYBETH4884 4/4/2013 8:14AM

    I think you are on the right track. Literally, get back to your tracking, you wil know how your journey is going good or bad. With tracking it is something you can be in control of! Sounds like work is out of your control so focus on tracking. It isn't a problem to maintain for a while and then when life calms down get back to losing. You will be in my prayers on your personal issue. Take a walk in the wonderful spring weather it will help clear your head and help refresh your soul!

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WEBEZE 4/4/2013 3:08AM

    It saddens me to hear you are struggling with so much right now. I am right there with you with my own struggles. Things will eventually turn around for the better and working on maintaining is a great goal right now. It is so easy to throw in the towel and start heading in the opposite direction. It is awesome that you are digging in and making the best of things and holding steady. I am proud of you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BETHIEBOOPS 4/4/2013 2:31AM

    Oh sweetie! My heart is sad for you. I'm so sorry about all the things you are going through at the moment. It's a lot! We're here to support you, not condemn you, and it's okay to not be doing awesome. It's okay to have seasons where you are fallible. Control is simply an illusion anyway! I think that Life evaluation is a natural part of "growing up" especially as we start to decide what sort of life we want to have- but that doesn't make it easy. Make sure you're talking to someone about all the stuff happening in your life. A friend can be really helpful in "sharing the burden". A lot of churches offer free counseling too- maybe having someone separate from your day to day life would be helpful?

This too shall pass my friend. *hugs*

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DUMBBELLE84 4/4/2013 2:18AM

    You seem pretty self-aware so all I will offer you is my support and some hugs, to be used as needed. Keep us posted, beautiful lady. I only wish I'd had your determination when I was down and out the last 2 months.

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JUDY106 4/4/2013 12:31AM

    i understand what yo are talking about. I got really sick with virus and bronchitis. i am still trying to get over it. i was too sick to even stay up long enough to track my food. Now i start every morning and by the end of the day i am not doing to. I always tracked my food. I am working on my hubby's business recorders for taxes. I am doing the book keeping that I should of done all through the year, but now have to get it done by next week. I am not pigging out but not doing as good as I should be. I am not exercising because I am spending all my time sitting and doing the book keeping. I know better. I am not going to give up. i just got to get the paper work done and get back on track. I will do it and i know you will do it too. Hugs, Judy

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IMSOOZEEQ 4/4/2013 12:16AM

    Well I could say Whoa wait a minute but I am not going to do that. Although I don't know specifically what you are dealing with in all these cases, I know that you are still in the game and that you are not giving up. You know that the main thing is that you do what you need to do for YOU! The moment that we begin to try to do everything to please all the people around us or even on here, the road gets too muddled to travel. Take some time for YOU!

I support you! emoticon emoticon

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STARSUB99 4/3/2013 9:58PM

    Be kind to yourself when things are not as you would like them to be. You will adjust to the changes at work and in your life - it will take many tears and many deep sighs but you are smart and you will figure it all out. We are here to listen and support you.
Give yourself time. I'm so sad for you and your dog - I've had to put pets down and it is absolutely heart wrenching.
I think you are smart to get your ipod - you need some sanity and that will help you tune in and tune out when needed.
And if it helps - journal your thoughts - talk to a friend - and be gentle with your soul - times like these are tough on good people like you.
Big hugs.
take care.

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THESHELBSTER 4/3/2013 9:38PM

    I love you and I am always so proud of you and I think you are amazing. You are dealing with a lot and in spite of that you are still maintaining and not just throwing in the towel and undoing all of your hard work. Many people would have just said to hell with it and given this whole thing up. You haven't done that and I know you never will. I think you are awesome.

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KCHRISTY6 4/3/2013 9:30PM

  You do have quite a bit going on! What you describe is certainly no fun - I guess I can't speak to having to work in a satellite trailer per se, but I do share 2 things with you - I "broke up" with a friend of almost 10 years and I also had to put down my 12 year old dog (a perfect dog and my best friend ever) last year and I still cry at the thought of it. I'm doing okay without the friend, but losing my dog still hurts like crazy! Anyway, what I wanted to say is that since you feel "okay" at your current weight, it might be okay to NOT focus on it right now - just for a bit. I'm not suggesting tossing all care to the wind, but just shift your focus. Re-evaluate your life. Listen to your Ipod (maybe even go on a walk while listening to it). Love your dog while you can. I can guarantee that it will be time well spent. (I still did my workouts every day when I knew my girl didn't have much time left and I kick myself nearly every day for not spending that time with her). I wish you luck and peace.

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Things R Lookin' Up, Weight Is Going Down...

Monday, March 25, 2013

It has only been a few short days since my last blog, but things are looking up! Things aren't back up to the standards of emoticon's and emoticon's, but of course that will take some time. emoticon

TMI Alert: I really think PMS had made everything worse the last couple of days. My emotions were real, but I really think they were at the extreme because of the hormones.

In the past few days I have gained control of my eating, implemented a new eating plan, but I am only using it as a guideline and am adding in things and doing what I need to do to meet my own calorie requirements.

I've kept up the exercise, but I almost feel like I'm getting my groove back for WANTING to exercise, ALMOST. emoticon

I am in the process of "letting the boy go"... it is harder than I thought but it would have been harder to do it later on. He knows I am done but I guess in some ways I am still mourning that loss a bit.

There is a new boy as seen in my status updates lol, I met him on a dating site and was a little reluctant to meet him because meeting new people like that causes me a lot of anxiety... But I don't continue to talk to people if I don't think they are genuinely nice guys, and while some slip through the cracks, the fact that he made it to the meeting stage speaks volumes.

We went out on Friday and we were just supposed to have a quick coffee date, but he ended up taking me to dinner and he paid which was very sweet. YES, at the age of 27, that is the FIRST time I have had someone buy me dinner. emoticon I had one other guy offer but when I said "are you sure, I can pay my half" he said okay and looked relieved LOL. I said the same to "new boy" but he said "No, I'm sure, I want to." So that was very nice. He was very polite, he opened all the doors for me, he walked me all the way back to my car which was way farther than his. When we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to do it again. He then texted me when he got home and said he had fun then told me it was the "best date he's been on so far". He texted me Saturday, and even told me good night when he went to bed. He wanted to see me today (asked yesterday) but I couldn't because of my work schedule. Yesterday he also told me I was pretty. emoticon I can't remember the last time a boy told me I was pretty... He talked to me today and told me goodnight...

I begged "the boy" (the original) to text me good night because in his line of work it is a dangerous job if you get where I'm going with that, and so that I would know he was okay and made it home safely, but he wouldn't do it. Just in the matter of 3 days this new boy has treated me so much better than I have ever been treated. I am not one to get super excited about a new person very quickly, but I am trying to give this guy a very fair chance. It is a twisted emotion because while I am happy he is treating me so well, it is also very depressing to see just how poorly "the boy" was treating me the past 6 months. It is a lot to take in, but I am working on it.

All in all, I am glad to be doing well with my food and trying to just work on being my happy self again. I bloated my way up to about 215 and the scale is finally coming back down so I hope to see 209 again soon and onward to Onederland. Yeah yeah, I know, I've been wanting to reach Onederland since October, but I still keep wishing and pushing, one day it'll all come together. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISAN0415 3/31/2013 4:12PM

    So happy for you that things are looking up!!!

Oh my goodness, when I am pre-menstral, my appetite is out of control for some reason!

BUT it's better than the alternatives right now: pregnancy or menopause, LOL


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DUMBBELLE84 3/26/2013 8:08PM

    Oh sweetie, I am so glad to hear that you KNOW you deserve better than (the original). I'm really happy that things are starting to look up for you. Enjoy the rest of your week!

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NIKKICOLE83 3/26/2013 12:00PM

    When I got back into the dating scene after being in a relationship for 12 years, I had to quickly learn what I would and would not tolerate and be okay with cutting off a guy quickly if he could not meet the expectations. I wouldn't be rude about it, I would be honest. "It doesn't seem that you are willing to give me what I need right now and I don't want to waste either of our times. It was nice meeting you, thanks for hanging out, I wish you the best." And I would tell a guy immediately if something he did or said didn't sit well with me. At first I felt like a huge bitch but I kept telling myself, If he is worth it, he will be willing to try harder. I am now getting married to one of those guys because he respected my boundaries and stepped his game up. You deserve everything this man is giving you and it should become an expectation for him or any other guy going forward.

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JACOBSBELOVED 3/25/2013 11:53PM

    I think I like "the new boy"! He sounds super sweet and very gentlemanly. There aren't too many guys out there anymore that are respectful and considerate. I'm very anxious to see where this goes. :D

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JUSTLIKEALICE 3/25/2013 10:27PM

    Yay! I like nice boys. And Onderland is just a hop away. It isn't going anywhere. You focus on you, and the journey. We will get there when we get there (and it won't be that much longer!) I'm so glad things are looking up and I'm sorry the previous boy couldn't get his act together. He has no idea what he is missing.

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WEBEZE 3/25/2013 9:41PM

    Glad to hear things are looking up. You deserve to be treated like a princess and I am glad to hear the new boy is treating you well. emoticon

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JESSICA_STULTZ 3/25/2013 7:24PM

    I've missed alot lately because I've been so busy.. but I am glad to see you seem to have found a sweet "boy!" Sometimes we don't see how bad things were until we are treated better. You deserve the compliments and deserve a good guy. So here's to hoping he is the one! And you are right, you will see Onederland soon. They always say that you are more likely to keep it off if it is achieved slowly.. so we'll just assume that will be the case right?? I think I will always remember how hard it was to lose weight and that will make it impossible for me to hit my high weight again.. or anywhere near it for that matter!

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STARSUB99 3/25/2013 6:43PM

    Glad to hear you're spending time with a guy who is treating you right = you so deserve a sweet man who opens doors for you and treats you with respect! So happy for you! Keep us posted - its always easier to stay on track when good things are coming your way - may this be another boost to get you where you want to be. emoticon

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ATTACKFATCAT 3/25/2013 11:28AM

    It's kind of scary when you find a guy who will treat you with the respect that you DESERVE. It's ok to be a little cautious, even if you know this time is different. And just think about how far you've come. Yes, you may have dealt with the "old boy's" shenanigans a little longer than you should've, but you finally decided enough is enough and put your foot down. Many people end up staying in relationships like that for years because they aren't ready to stand up for themselves or think they'll ever find anything better. I know because I was one of them. And when those bad relationships were over, I still made a few mistakes while dating. But the level of disrespect I would tolerate kept going lower and lower each time. Now I'm with someone that treats me like I should be treated and I couldn't be happier. It just takes time to find someone like that (You gotta kiss a lot of frogs, lol). But I am THRILLED that you went out with him and he does sound like a good guy. YAY!

I'm also glad to hear that you're back on track with food and (hopefully) exercise. I'm sure Sparky doesn't want to miss out on his walks!

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GRACEMCC45 3/25/2013 10:45AM

    This new fella is sounding super sweet! Glad to hear he's treating you well and you are getting back on track!

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BETHIEBOOPS 3/25/2013 10:36AM

    emoticon Oh yay!! I'm so glad for you! I totally get the "mourning" process... it's okay to go through it- and it might take a little while to really feel "over" it. Remember to forgive "the boy" nad yourself when you need to. I always got so cross with myself because I allowed xyz to happen. But you know what? You did the best you could with what you had. It's over. Lesson learned.

Happy endings are possible, and while they may or may not be with this new interest, you deserve to be treated as well as can be. And speaking as your friend, remember you don't have to reward him with "favours" for treating you well... if you know what I mean. You deserve to be treated well because you are an interesting, kind, caring person- not just for what he can "get out of it". Don't let yourself fall in that trap! :) Not that you would, just that this is a temptation that catches so many lovely ladies!

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KJELLYBEAN15 3/25/2013 8:49AM

    Wow, this new boy sounds interesting. I hope it goes well with you. Great job on the losses. Keep it up. You are doing good.

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LRSILVER 3/25/2013 7:32AM

    Glad things are better.

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AMCLELLAN 3/25/2013 7:29AM

    Soooooo happy for you!!!! Hope things keep going in the right direction!!!!

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BEANIES_MOM 3/25/2013 6:07AM


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JMOSESRN 3/25/2013 4:43AM

    Glad to know things are looking up emoticon

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GHOSTFLAMES 3/25/2013 4:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KLMEIRING 3/25/2013 4:17AM


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One Year Later... Still Trying... The Good, The Bad & The Ugly...

Thursday, March 21, 2013

I had really been looking forward to this day, but it has ended up coming at a time where I am REALLY REALLY struggling. I have been on Spark off and on since 2009, but March 20, 2012 I came back and got serious. I started that day at 262, 10 pounds down from my highest weight, and I have gotten as low as 209. But am currently sitting back at about 212.

I am going through a very rough patch, and I can't sit here and pretend that everything is emoticon's and emoticon's when it's not. I had hoped to be sitting here at a much lower weight, preferably in Onederland, but sometimes things don't go as planned.

For total disclosure, I was eating VERY poorly before Vegas, I ate terribly in Vegas and that pattern has continued after I got back, with a visit from TOM. It is no shock that I have gone from 209 back up to 212...My good buddy did remind me that sometimes a little bit of weight coming back is the reality check that we need to remind ourselves of what needs to be done.

I have been stuck at 212 since Halloween, and when I finally got under it I was so happy, but then started sabotaging myself... I know there is a part of me that is truly scared to lose this weight. I have admitted it before, and as I approach Onederland it is really becoming a reality that I CAN accomplish what I set out to do and it scares me. I know there was some physical stuff that my body was truly at a plateau for some time and it wouldn't budge no matter what I did... I think my body has overcome the physical hurdles and now it is the mental hurdles that are blocking me from reaching my goals.

I have a lot of personal stuff going on, and boys have a lot to do with it. It really kills me that I allow a boy, and my emotions to mess up my weight loss journey. It is not an excuse, I have full control and I am the one that ALLOWS this to happen, but it frustrates me that I do that. I know better, there are times I feel like I have learned a lot and come long way... and then there are times where I feel like I am back to square one.

I am trying to take the boy situation into my own hands, and because I am single I need to really start trying to date and meet people. It is so hard for me, I let my weight and more importantly HOW I FEEL about my weight hold me back. But I keep sitting on the couch and letting life pass me by, and I really need to get my act together. I will most likely be meeting a brand new boy on Friday if all goes according to plan, and that causes me a great deal of stress, anxiety and also a bit of sadness that despite the situation with "the boy", I am still very single.

I am sorry that this blog is such a downer, I am just in a pretty bad place right now and that is why this blog is the way this is. When I envisioned writing this months ago I intended it to be a super happy blog with all sorts of accomplishments, but that just isn't how I'm feeling today.

To try and end on a brighter note emoticon, this is the longest I have tried to lose weight without giving up. Despite being in a bad place and regaining some weight, I am not throwing in the towel. I am still walking at work and walking Sparky faithfully emoticon... I have kept off 60 pounds total (50 pounds from this past year) successfully and keeping off ANY amount of weight is a huge deal for me. I am ready for more, I am ready to dig myself out of the rut, but any positive energy you could throw my way would be really appreciated during this difficult time. emoticon I am so thankful for all my Spark Friends, you are the reason I am here and not giving up. I LOVE YOU ALL, but quick special shout outs to Susan, Shelby, Alyssa, Elizabeth, Heather, Grace, Michelle and just well, EVERYONE because you are all seriously amazing! emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTLIKEALICE 3/25/2013 10:29PM

    Don't you ever forget how awesome you are.

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IMSOOZEEQ 3/23/2013 11:23PM

    okay so I could just do the emoticon emoticon emoticon thing but you know me, I have more to say than that. You are NOT trying to do this thing, you are doing it! Look at what you wrote...You have lost 60 pounds! That isn't trying, that is doing! Don't be gettin' it twisted! You are an inspiration to me and to so many others. Yes, you have struggled and are having a hard time right now but you are keeping at it. You are taking things head on and becoming more confident and now you are stepping out of your comfort zone and going on a date! That is doing it! I am not sure if I even want emoticon's & emoticon 's lol!!!

You have had an incredible year and your next year is going to see Onederland and the GOAL line! Cue the emoticon !!!


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GRACEMCC45 3/23/2013 5:12PM

    What a great summation of your year - I only have one issue with it... the title.

One year later and still *trying*? You are past the point of trying Stephanie - you are succeeding! Your biggest fear going into this was that you would give up around the same time you always did. You passed that and are still going strong (especially with the exercise) and you need to see that as your biggest success!

You are doing so amazing!

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NIKKICOLE83 3/22/2013 12:35PM

    A three pound gain is manageable. Considering that this weight loss journey never ends, only changes, there are going to be times in your life when you have a gain. Look at the big picture. Are you going to do something different than you did last week so you don't gain anymore? If so, dust your shoulders off and treat it as a week in one of the many weeks of your life and get past it. I wish you the best.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EATVEGAN 3/22/2013 1:24AM

    You add the end of your blog as if it's a throwaway line. Don't you realize you have accomplished an amazing thing? Not only that, you have been maintaining it for months. Forget about boys for now. Don't let that run your life. Concentrate on you, the boy situation will take care of itself. One day the right one will come along and go "wow!" And you'll wonder why you let the situation bother you. Just go on being the amazing person you are and someone will notice. Maybe more than one. emoticon

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PIPPAMOUSE 3/21/2013 11:11PM

    emoticon emoticon

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STARSUB99 3/21/2013 3:54PM

    Good for you for sticking with your goals even when the going gets tough. And boys will be boys... they will come and they will go - and eventually a great one will stay forever with you. Remember to be good to yourself first. Remember to treat yourself with love and respect and the rest will all fall into place.

You are worth every ounce of effort you put into making you a better person - inside and out. It is a journey - keep going forward... all kinds of wonderful things and people will find you along the way - and you will find your peace and happiness ....

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WEBEZE 3/21/2013 3:35PM

    Congrats on sticking with it for 1 year. 50lbs gone is awesome. I have been stuck on my plateau since mid October and can't seem to shake it either. Going to have to completely rethink what I have been doing. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and that is what I have been doing. Going to have to try something completely different to get unstuck just not sure what that is but I am going to keep trying. We can do this. I have faith that you will reach and maintain your goal.

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PRETTYPITHY 3/21/2013 11:48AM

    The drama with boys is a downer but don't let that, or anything else, stop you from reveling in the full scope of your accomplishment! You have kept off 60 POUNDS! You have been on your journey for a YEAR! These are amazing things and I'm very proud of you.

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ATTACKFATCAT 3/21/2013 11:13AM

    Congrats on your year and all you have accomplished in that time! Trust me, keeping the weight off is just as important as losing it. You have built up a lot of internal strength this year as well. The fight you've endured during your weight loss journey has made you stronger and better able to handle the stuff life throws at you. But keep in mind that even though you're stronger, you're not SuperWoman who can kick life's a** at every turn. Even SuperWoman has days where she's not at her best and times that she struggles. But getting through this rough time will be what makes you even stronger and more able to tackle other challenges in your life.

As for "the boy" (and relationships) should be a compliment to your life. It shouldn't wind up causing you to pause your life and your goals in order to do it. You want to feel confident, sexy, and independent when you get out in the dating world, and what better way to do that than to stick to healthy eating and exercise? I know when I've had a great workout and I've eaten well, I feel strong, confident, and ready to beat the boys off with a baseball bat emoticon

A relationship should always be a wonderful addition to your life. If it's derailing you from your goals, then it's toxic and not worth having around. I used to hate being alone and would let the latest boy completely take over every aspect of my life. Now, being single still feels a bit lonely sometimes. I know that very well. And I do love B and we have had a great relationship. BUT...if I had to go back to being single, I know I'd be OK and I would focus on myself and my own happiness, which will be there with or without a guy in my life.

I know you don't want life to pass you by, but having a guy in your life does not mean that it won't continue to do so if he's not the RIGHT guy for you at the RIGHT time. Don't feel like you have to get out there and date if you don't feel mentally up to it yet because you are pressuring yourself to do so. I'm not saying dating doesn't cause some jitters and some anxiousness, but it shouldn't be stressing you out so much. There will still be good men out there whenever you decide to start dating. It may feel like it, but they are not going to all be snapped up in the next 6 months.

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TIMELAG 3/21/2013 10:47AM

    emoticon on sticking with this for a whole year! You have come so far. I know you are feeling a bunch of emotions right now, many of them negative, but please don't forget what you have accomplished! I doubt if there's anyone out there who has lost a significant amount of weight with it all being emoticon s & emoticon s. If this was easy, none of us would be overweight!

You've got this, Steph. I believe in you! And whatever boy you choose to spend time with is damn lucky! If he doesn't realize that, he's not worth it.


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KJELLYBEAN15 3/21/2013 9:43AM

    Hey, you are 50/60 pounds less than you would have been had you never started. That is awesome. Please tell me that you haven't forgotten how much work went into each and every one of those pounds! Dont get hung up on the what-ifs or could have beens. Sure you could have avoided a splurge or treat and could have stayed strong and kept losing instead of slowing down. But THIS IS part of the process. And you are NEVER alone. I hit the 40 pound loss back in November, ate a slighly higher calorie dinner that started me off on bad eating habits all over again. I was pretty much ruined til end of the year. I still haven't recovered completely. But you know what? I am here. Struggling too.

If we weren't struggling, it would mean anything to us. We struggle because we want it. We struggle because we haven't given up yet. I know I am not giving up. Keep struggling my dear.

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PRIZM96 3/21/2013 9:35AM

    YOU got this, Girl! You have done amazing things! Losing and KEEPING OFF 60lbs is NO small feat!! CONGRATULATIONS & GREAT JOB!! We all fall into these little ruts and sometimes it takes a hand to pull you out or a foot kicking you in the butt, but nevertheless, we do tend to see ourselves out of them. Keep fightin' the good fight! This next year of Spark, is all you, Baby! :-)

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ROSE284 3/21/2013 9:33AM

    Congratulations on losing and keeping 60lbs off. That is a massive achievement, well done.

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    First of all, this is your blog. Blogs are for sharing the positive and the down days so no need to apologize at all.

Keeping 60 lbs off is awesome! Look at how far you have come. Not how far you have to go. In time, you will get there. No matter how much you plan, sometimes life just has a different idea and we have to learn how to handle the situations that don't go our way. Way easier said than done.

No matter how much weight we lose, a lot of us have to work on our self esteem and confidence. Focus on yourself and your health & never allow a guy or anyone for that matter to bring you down. Another thing that is easier said an done but you don't need a guy for validation. Your awesome single or not! Now, you just have to believe it.

Recognizing your issues is half of the battle sometimes. Keep pushing and remember you CAN reach your goals.

Good luck.


Comment edited on: 3/25/2013 8:16:38 AM

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CHICAT63 3/21/2013 8:59AM

    emoticon you have done AWESOME do not let the "boys" bring you down or deter you from Onderland. I know easier said than done, I have done it a couple of times over in my lifetime. Don't be scared of putting yourself out there, if it doesn't click and don't settle either - You deserve much more !!!! In a year you have lost 50 pounds and kept it off, Onderland is a coming for you..... emoticon emoticon

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CLHENDY1 3/21/2013 8:13AM

    Congrats! You should be so proud of yourself for sticking with it all this time. Everyone has their ups and downs. Keeping off 60 pounds is a HUGE accomplishment! Keep your head up and stay strong!!

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AMCLELLAN 3/21/2013 8:10AM

    You have done amazing! You will continue to do amazing. Nothing ever goes perfect. Keeping the weight off is excellent! I know you have it in you to do everything you have set out to do.
You had a great year, and just keep pushing. This is the start of another great year for you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ADARKARA 3/21/2013 7:28AM

    Girl, you've lost 50 lbs this year. FIFTY LBS!!!!!!!! That is a huge accomplishment! Don't downplay it ONE BIT! You may not have come as far as you wanted, but don't diminish your SUCCESS! emoticon

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    emoticon Cuz sometimes that's what you need. Sometimes you need a emoticon kicking you in the okole and sometimes you need a profile picture just like mine to encourage you to pick yourself up, tug up those TWENTY PERCENT LOST and why in the world are you still wearing them big girl panties emoticon, step off with a newly invigorated plan for this the second day of spring and DO NOT put your eggs in a basket all about "a boy" cuz YOU are worth more than that. This is YOUR journey, your dreams, your story....WHEN you meet a man that fits into your story and you become friends based on a foundation of trust and friendship and then ideally love, you will MAYBE have it all but that's not what you should be basing your journey on sweetie. Nurture and care for and love YOU for YOU and be happy and in fact ecstatic about the accomplishments that you have made and the obstacles you have overcome. No boy got you where you are and no boy is going to get you the rest of the way. ALL YOU BABY! Bring it! emoticon because YOU are emoticon

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BETHIEBOOPS 3/21/2013 5:49AM

    Girl! Gah! This is SUCH an amazing accomplishment! I'm sorry you don't feel the joy of this amazing feat. I am so incredibly proud of you. I remember a couple months ago when you weren't sure that you could do this? Look where you are now! WOW! And the deep personal growth? It's a lot too! Weightloss is such a topsy turvy journey, the loops and dips and gains are all part of getting through.

And you reminded me- I've been here a year too! I started on the 19th but totally forgot! YAY!

Here's to another year, another adventure and a smaller butt! emoticon

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LRSILVER 3/21/2013 5:11AM

    I hope you can get back in the weight loss groove.

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PINKEUROGIRL 3/21/2013 2:11AM

    You can do this!!

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AHTRAP 3/21/2013 2:01AM

    You mention feeling like you're back to square one sometimes, and I wonder why. Strictly physically speaking, square one was comfortable over 20% of your weight ago.
You might not be losing currently, but neither are you piling on 6-7 pounds in a month, unlike some of us. Not only is that a physical win, it goes to show that you're in a far far better place mentally than you were before you started on this phase of the journey a year ago. Even in the throes of eating less than well, you're continuing to do the other things that keep that pesky weight thing in relative check. And whenever you defunk your way out of this little valley, maybe you'll find the plateau ran out when you weren't looking. (ok, that last sentence doesn't make all that much sense at face value, but I'm thinking you know exactly what I mean.)

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CARPENTERGAL 3/21/2013 1:11AM

    I hope that things pick up for you I wish you all the best and seriously CONGRATS on going a year!!!!! You're awesome and amazing! I cant wait till I can say that Ive been a year strong. YOU CAN DO IT this rut will pass. If you need to talk anymore know that as your Sparkfriend I am here for you!

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Best Compliment Ever & Gaining Perspective...

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

Since my last blog it has been nothing but down hill, I have been eating so poorly and struggling to turn it around. That made today's compliment that much more special, because I really NEEDED to hear it today...

I came into work today, signed in and then went back outside. When I came back inside to log in to work, I had this email from my female supervisor (who also has lost a bit of weight recently)...
Subject: You just walked in...
And I wanted to tell you that you look AMAZING! You have for a while but today I didnít even know it was you when I saw you in the camera entering the door code. WOO HOO! You go girl!
I really needed that, especially today! Plus, I love the way that she did it, it didn't draw attention to me in front of others, it didn't make me feel awkward because she did it through email. On top of that she actually took the time to open an email and send that. SO sweet! emoticon Saying she didn't recognize me has to be one of the greatest compliments ever. I think sometimes things happen for a reason, and maybe she sensed I needed that today. It is helping me to get focused, get back on track, and continue doing this because my hard work IS paying off, even if I don't realize it sometimes. emoticon

And now for some fun, to put things into perspective, here are some things that weigh 60 pounds, which is what I've lost to date.

40 dozen eggs:

4 of these:

240 sticks of butter:

12 of these:

Whether you've lost 6, 60 or 100, you are amazing! Just remember that even when we feel stuck, we can't give up. Struggling is NEVER fun, but those of us that are struggling are still trying. When we give up, we are no longer struggling because we are no longer trying. So even if you aren't doing the best on your journey right now, give yourself credit for still trying and not giving up. emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THESHELBSTER 4/1/2013 1:04PM

    I love this blog. I really needed to read it because I have felt so down after gaining back 20 lbs but I have still manage to keep off 60 lbs which is all the things you took pictures of so that put things into perspective. I am super proud of you.

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 3/12/2013 11:31AM

    That is so fantastic! It's really wonderful to read. I really love the way you are soaring!

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BOGUSANNIE 3/9/2013 9:50PM

    So did you put a copy of that email into your woohoo jar!!!????

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MERRY_XMAS 3/9/2013 6:24AM

    Loved this entry! Thank you for sharing!
Have a great weekend!

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GEMINIGEM6 3/8/2013 1:19AM

    That is so cool! And I bet it did brighten your day! You deserve it b/c you've worked so hard! :)

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NIKKICOLE83 3/6/2013 9:50PM

    You have had such a transformation and I am glad that you got that boost of encouragement. You have seen yourself as your old self for so long that YOU don't recognize the woman you have become and I am glad someone brought it to your attention.

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STARSUB99 3/6/2013 6:19PM

    Way to go Steph- nee! You have the right attitude - and you are right that sometimes we just need a little pick me up - and your supervisors words were spot on!
We all struggle with the persitence and patience. Continue to do what you can everyday - practice the good habits - slug through the tough times and you will come out ahead of the game!

You have come so far - I am so motivated whenever I see your page - It makes me believe that I can do it to ! You are an inspiration to me!

Go get em!

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    This blog is the 'right word at the right time' for me today. I was feeling defeated and now im feeling inspired. Thank you for being so awesome!

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JUDY106 3/5/2013 9:51PM

    That has happen to me and I know what you are saying about how it makes you want to keep on keeping on. Hang in there and you have done so well. I think we are in a slope because of the weather. I feel I am on hold somewhat because the weather is so bad and I can see Spring is just around the corner, but still can't get out and do things that I want to do right now. So, I kinda been on hold, but I feel that I am going to be able to get moving any day now. You are right never stop the struggle.
I am so glad something happen and broke your stand still that was in your mind. You have encouraged me to do the same.

Hugs, judy

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RODRIGUEZ41508 3/5/2013 3:53PM

    AWESOME Blog !!!!!
Way to go and hang in there, like you said when we give up we are no longer Struggling because we are no longer Trying.....
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

You Got This !!!!!!!!!

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FITBODME 3/5/2013 3:01PM

    I bet you were smiling all day too! What a great feeling to know all of our struggles do pay off....eventually. I've been struggling too yet still trying because most days are better than others. emoticon

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GRACEMCC45 3/5/2013 2:50PM

    Definitely the best compliment ever!

Love all your comparison pics to keep your weight loss amount in perspective!

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PRIZM96 3/5/2013 10:07AM

    That is amazing! I love it when someone says or does something at just the perfect time! Yay for her! And YaY for YOU! You are doing great!

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KJELLYBEAN15 3/5/2013 9:44AM

    Its so wonderful that someone can tell us just what we need to hear when we aren't feeling it ourselves. And what wonderful timing. You have done an amazing job.
Oh, and a friend of mine once sent me a weight comparison chart. 60 pounds is equivalent to the following:

- an elephant penis,
- the amount of cheese the average American eats in a year plus a sperm whale's brain plus a human brain plus an ostrich egg and a rack of baby back ribs
- an automobile tie plus a bald eagle plus a chihuahua, plus the amount of fat the average American consumes in a year.

I cant wait til I can say I have lost the equivalent to an elephant penis. Not sure if I could say it with a straight face but it would be funny. And I feel so thankful I am not a female elephant.

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MMDAHLEN 3/5/2013 6:20AM

    Great job Stephanie! I am so happy your boss made you feel good. All it takes is someone to notice that you have lost weight, to help you get back in your groove. I know because I am really struggling myself right now. I will be so happy when i can say I have lost 60lbs like you. You are amazing and strong woman. emoticon

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BEANIES_MOM 3/5/2013 5:40AM

    That is awesome!! I don't think a compliment can get any better! emoticon

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LRSILVER 3/5/2013 4:38AM

    WTG Stephanie. I know you will be in onederland very soon. Keep pushing.

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IMSOOZEEQ 3/5/2013 3:29AM

    I love the pic! These should be a good reminder to you of what you have accomplished. Look that struggle in the eye and laugh in it's face! You are the one in control here my friend and don't let yourself forget it!

emoticon emoticon

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WEBEZE 3/5/2013 1:46AM

    That is so awesome. Sometimes timing means so much. Love your weight comparisons. Pictures are worth 1000 words.
emoticon emoticon

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BETHIEBOOPS 3/5/2013 1:11AM

    Aw yay! Go co-worker! I'm so glad she said something in such a nice way. You are a rockstar!

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JACOBSBELOVED 3/5/2013 12:54AM

    How nice to get an email like that! Like you said, it didn't draw attention but it was still really flattering.

It's so nice to get the encouragement when we need it most. :)

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MELLABELLAS 3/5/2013 12:43AM

    Great job girlie. Love the weight comparisons!

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AHTRAP 3/5/2013 12:33AM

    Amazing what the right word at the right moment can do, isn't it?

Glad others are recognizing the efforts you've put in to date.

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February Recap & March Goals...

Friday, March 01, 2013

If you ask me how February went, I would tell you it went SO WELL!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

But if you ask the scale, he will tell you it didn't go well at all.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Here's my side of the story.

emoticon I exercised EVERY single day in February. emoticon

emoticon I vowed to walk Sparky every day I was off and only missed 1 day when I was out with friends. emoticon

emoticon I am ending February with a little over 1300 Fitness Minutes.

emoticon I only have two dreaded cupcake stickers in my planner for February, which meant I ate over 3,000 calories. One day was my birthday, the other was girls night out. Last month I had 5, EEK!!

emoticon Sparky and I started off doing a mile and being super tired, and now we are doing 2.1 miles and loving it.

emoticon This isn't JUST February but over the last 6 weeks I have lost 17 inches from all over my body.

emoticon I broke through the dreaded plateau of 212 that I haven't been able to get under since Halloween!

But if you ask the scale how February went, this is what he'll tell you...
emoticon Stephanie lost 2.8 pounds in the month of February.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

So to that I say ever so eloquently, the scale can suck it!! I can walk 2 miles without getting winded whereas before I went up my 7 stairs in my condo and needed a nap. My clothes are fitting better, I'm getting stronger, I have significantly cut down the amount of calories and processed food I have been eating, I have been eating more fruits and veggies, eating more frequently, what else do you want from me?

So instead of forming a pity party I am celebrating my NSV's and I am moving forward into March, and the scale can get with the program or not. For the sake of my BLC team I hope it does, but I am not letting that thing rule me any longer! emoticon

March Goals:

The main one that is different is adding something in addition to walking on my days off. I really think my body is at a point where walking isn't a huge deal. I am increasing my distance but I still think I need something else to get my heart rate up a little more a few days a week. And I need to put more consistency into my strength training for suresies.

Here is wishing everyone a fabulous March! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANYA_JADE 3/5/2013 3:40PM

    You've had so many NSV's it's amazing! Congratulations! I can't wait to see what March brings for you. Hopefully the scale will get with the program and match the way you feel! You are so close to onederland, congratulations! :D

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EATVEGAN 3/4/2013 2:20AM

    Great February! And March will be even better. The scale will move. It can't weigh something that isn't there. Attitude is everything and yours is great.

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STARSUB99 3/3/2013 8:08PM

    You had a great month - your body is just resetting itself before it gets back into gear to drop more poundage. You are right about the walking - you need to change things up every 4 - 5 weeks in your fitness routine to keep your body paying attention to the activity and changes.

March will be a shining month for you - more NSV's and a ticket to Onederland.... emoticon

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JUDY106 3/2/2013 10:01PM

    I am with you on the scale thing. I can do so much more, feel so much better, and my clothes are getting lose. The scale does not have to rule us. I do check weight my weight because if I don't I go up. It does help me to stay down and keep what i lost off, but it does not go down like it use to. I change my exercising routine and it really helped. lost 3 lbs but my Birthday and a short trip for my birthday helped me put 2 lbs. back on. After i came back I have been trying to get back to adding different exercise routine , but haven't got back to it yet. I done good to do my regular classes. I am OK with it because I do see and feel the difference in myself. I will get going soon. I am happy that I am doing the exercises that I am doing now. I know though that I will have to push myself a little more and soon . Wishing you the best in finding that little extra to get you going down again. emoticon


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HEATHERFREE 3/2/2013 10:01PM

    This is all awesome! If you have been strength training then I bet thats why the scale hasn't been going down, because your probably gaining muscle OBVIOUSLY if youve lost that many total inches thats great! And as for adding something to your walking I would do like a minute of INTENSE boxing while doing a squat and then continue walking fast. It seriously burns soo many more calories because of the thigh muscle getting worked while doing the boing and then you continue walking for five mins and do it again it keeps your heart rate up the whole time.

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MERRY_XMAS 3/2/2013 7:38AM

    Here's to a great March!!! emoticon


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BOOKWORM27S 3/2/2013 7:30AM

    Good luck in your weight loss journey!

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LYNNWANNABE 3/2/2013 4:00AM

    Losing 17 inches is amazing and increasing your walk.. that is total success! We all know muscle weighs more and your legs must be getting toned!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/2/2013 4:00:36 AM

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GUCCI9300 3/1/2013 10:18PM

    Good Job!!! emoticon

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JESSICA_STULTZ 3/1/2013 2:38PM

    Anything lost when you are overweight is better than none is the way I think of it. If I can lose a half a pound in a month.. It's a half a pound lighter than last month. Plus, you are clearly getting more out of the exercise and diet (and I use that word as in the foods you eat.. not the way most people think of it) than the weight loss. You are feeling better, you are losing inches which shows you are losing fat, and you just seem happier overall. And those are just the changes I see online. I am sure you are feeling more energized too which is always a great feeling!

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AMARILYNH 3/1/2013 1:29PM

    WOW - I call that a VERY successful month!! Have you seen those pictures of a pound of fat? 2.8 pounds is a BIG ole blog of fat - GONE FOREVER!! The ability to walk 2 miles is HUGE - because if you can walk 2 miles you can walk as FAR as you choose to!! Including a marathon if that's what you want - just pick a long walk day and add a mile to it every week or two!! Its all in deciding to do it (or not if it doesn't float your boat!!) emoticon

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    Sounds to me like February was an excellent month for you! Way to go!

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LRSILVER 3/1/2013 6:01AM

    You lost almost 3 pounds
That is fantastic. You are doing great.

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BETHIEBOOPS 3/1/2013 5:01AM

    Ah! This is JUST WONDERFUL! YAY February! March- here Stef comes! Are you ready?

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LISAN0415 3/1/2013 4:48AM

    March is going to be awesome!

Keep it up girlie!!!

Lots of love,


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BEANIES_MOM 3/1/2013 4:43AM

    emoticon That's great progress!

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WEBEZE 3/1/2013 3:06AM

    Awesome February report and progress. Here's to March being even better. emoticon

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