Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Disclaimer: Usually I am a huge fan of the tough love "just get off your butt and do it!", but I don't need that right now. Trust me, I am hard enough on myself at this point, and I am feeling pretty delicate, so if you're comment was going to be "Stop being lazy and get it done", that really isn't going to help me right now.
It's no surprise that I'm struggling. The scale is back up between 212-215. I am desperately trying not to let it go above 215. I do not want to slip back in the 220's.
I have a lot on my plate right now, and I know that is no excuse. Everyone has problems, things to deal with, struggles, and some people still get it done, and some crumble under the pressure. I am trying to find the in between. I am trying to deal with my stuff without packing back on the pounds, yet I am definitely being honest when I say I am not pushing towards my goal.
There are huge changes at work... they are remodeling which leaves us to dispatch in a tiny trailer, which is not fun. That is the smallest of my problems btw. ;) The others are so personal that I am not going in depth on those.
Sheldon (my dog) isn't doing well, and I know I am going to have to take him to have him put down soon. It breaks my heart.
The other struggles are super personal, I had put the gist of it in my status updates, I ended a friendship with someone I had known 12 years. I completely ended things with "the boy", found some closure but I am still healing. So many changes, and I am not a fan of change.
I am going to say this, and I don't need any comments about "don't settle, you need to keep pushing"... I am not giving up and I am not settling... but this is the thing. I feel OKAY at this weight. Now hear what I said, I feel OKAY. I will not settle for okay, I want to feel great. And while I don't know what my magical "I feel great" weight is going to be, I know it lies within Onederland though and I will find out in time. I feel so much better at this weight because it is the lowest I have been in years. I was 19 and 205... and it was downhill from there. So even getting back near that at age 27 is a huge accomplishment. So while I feel better in comparison, I know it isn't where I want to stay in the long term.
I have fallen out of tracking my food which is something I had always done, no matter how bad the calories were. So I am going to work on getting back to that. I need to get back on top of my walking at work and all of those things.
Working in the trailer threw a wrench in my food plan because I am no longer allowed to get up 6 times a day to go make food to eat my small meals. That is not possible and this is a situation I will be in for several months. I really feel like I am reevaluating everything. My life, my weight loss journey, my friends... it is a scary and unsure time for me but I am trying not to fall into the pit of despair. I don't want my next blog to be 3 months from now and me telling you I am 250 pounds.
I am not giving up, even in my hardest times I have still managed to not go above 215 and I want to at least get back to 210 and if I hang around there I hang around there.
I also made the executive decision to take my Ipod from my parents. I am nowhere near 199 and it's not coming any time soon. And now dispatching out of a freakin trailer I really need that damn thing for my sanity. You can judge me if you want, but I dropped the 300 bucks on it, it's been collecting dust almost 4 months and I'm just over it.
I am proud of the fact that I haven't shot back up into the 220's and my focus is just back to tracking, but my focus is also in other areas of my life and I have to do what is best for me.
Monday, March 25, 2013
It has only been a few short days since my last blog, but things are looking up! Things aren't back up to the standards of 's and 's, but of course that will take some time.
TMI Alert: I really think PMS had made everything worse the last couple of days. My emotions were real, but I really think they were at the extreme because of the hormones.
In the past few days I have gained control of my eating, implemented a new eating plan, but I am only using it as a guideline and am adding in things and doing what I need to do to meet my own calorie requirements.
I've kept up the exercise, but I almost feel like I'm getting my groove back for WANTING to exercise, ALMOST.
I am in the process of "letting the boy go"... it is harder than I thought but it would have been harder to do it later on. He knows I am done but I guess in some ways I am still mourning that loss a bit.
There is a new boy as seen in my status updates lol, I met him on a dating site and was a little reluctant to meet him because meeting new people like that causes me a lot of anxiety... But I don't continue to talk to people if I don't think they are genuinely nice guys, and while some slip through the cracks, the fact that he made it to the meeting stage speaks volumes.
We went out on Friday and we were just supposed to have a quick coffee date, but he ended up taking me to dinner and he paid which was very sweet. YES, at the age of 27, that is the FIRST time I have had someone buy me dinner. I had one other guy offer but when I said "are you sure, I can pay my half" he said okay and looked relieved LOL. I said the same to "new boy" but he said "No, I'm sure, I want to." So that was very nice. He was very polite, he opened all the doors for me, he walked me all the way back to my car which was way farther than his. When we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to do it again. He then texted me when he got home and said he had fun then told me it was the "best date he's been on so far". He texted me Saturday, and even told me good night when he went to bed. He wanted to see me today (asked yesterday) but I couldn't because of my work schedule. Yesterday he also told me I was pretty. I can't remember the last time a boy told me I was pretty... He talked to me today and told me goodnight...
I begged "the boy" (the original) to text me good night because in his line of work it is a dangerous job if you get where I'm going with that, and so that I would know he was okay and made it home safely, but he wouldn't do it. Just in the matter of 3 days this new boy has treated me so much better than I have ever been treated. I am not one to get super excited about a new person very quickly, but I am trying to give this guy a very fair chance. It is a twisted emotion because while I am happy he is treating me so well, it is also very depressing to see just how poorly "the boy" was treating me the past 6 months. It is a lot to take in, but I am working on it.
All in all, I am glad to be doing well with my food and trying to just work on being my happy self again. I bloated my way up to about 215 and the scale is finally coming back down so I hope to see 209 again soon and onward to Onederland. Yeah yeah, I know, I've been wanting to reach Onederland since October, but I still keep wishing and pushing, one day it'll all come together.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I had really been looking forward to this day, but it has ended up coming at a time where I am REALLY REALLY struggling. I have been on Spark off and on since 2009, but March 20, 2012 I came back and got serious. I started that day at 262, 10 pounds down from my highest weight, and I have gotten as low as 209. But am currently sitting back at about 212.
I am going through a very rough patch, and I can't sit here and pretend that everything is 's and 's when it's not. I had hoped to be sitting here at a much lower weight, preferably in Onederland, but sometimes things don't go as planned.
For total disclosure, I was eating VERY poorly before Vegas, I ate terribly in Vegas and that pattern has continued after I got back, with a visit from TOM. It is no shock that I have gone from 209 back up to 212...My good buddy did remind me that sometimes a little bit of weight coming back is the reality check that we need to remind ourselves of what needs to be done.
I have been stuck at 212 since Halloween, and when I finally got under it I was so happy, but then started sabotaging myself... I know there is a part of me that is truly scared to lose this weight. I have admitted it before, and as I approach Onederland it is really becoming a reality that I CAN accomplish what I set out to do and it scares me. I know there was some physical stuff that my body was truly at a plateau for some time and it wouldn't budge no matter what I did... I think my body has overcome the physical hurdles and now it is the mental hurdles that are blocking me from reaching my goals.
I have a lot of personal stuff going on, and boys have a lot to do with it. It really kills me that I allow a boy, and my emotions to mess up my weight loss journey. It is not an excuse, I have full control and I am the one that ALLOWS this to happen, but it frustrates me that I do that. I know better, there are times I feel like I have learned a lot and come long way... and then there are times where I feel like I am back to square one.
I am trying to take the boy situation into my own hands, and because I am single I need to really start trying to date and meet people. It is so hard for me, I let my weight and more importantly HOW I FEEL about my weight hold me back. But I keep sitting on the couch and letting life pass me by, and I really need to get my act together. I will most likely be meeting a brand new boy on Friday if all goes according to plan, and that causes me a great deal of stress, anxiety and also a bit of sadness that despite the situation with "the boy", I am still very single.
I am sorry that this blog is such a downer, I am just in a pretty bad place right now and that is why this blog is the way this is. When I envisioned writing this months ago I intended it to be a super happy blog with all sorts of accomplishments, but that just isn't how I'm feeling today.
To try and end on a brighter note , this is the longest I have tried to lose weight without giving up. Despite being in a bad place and regaining some weight, I am not throwing in the towel. I am still walking at work and walking Sparky faithfully ... I have kept off 60 pounds total (50 pounds from this past year) successfully and keeping off ANY amount of weight is a huge deal for me. I am ready for more, I am ready to dig myself out of the rut, but any positive energy you could throw my way would be really appreciated during this difficult time. I am so thankful for all my Spark Friends, you are the reason I am here and not giving up. I LOVE YOU ALL, but quick special shout outs to Susan, Shelby, Alyssa, Elizabeth, Heather, Grace, Michelle and just well, EVERYONE because you are all seriously amazing!
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Since my last blog it has been nothing but down hill, I have been eating so poorly and struggling to turn it around. That made today's compliment that much more special, because I really NEEDED to hear it today...
I came into work today, signed in and then went back outside. When I came back inside to log in to work, I had this email from my female supervisor (who also has lost a bit of weight recently)...
Subject: You just walked in...
And I wanted to tell you that you look AMAZING! You have for a while but today I didnít even know it was you when I saw you in the camera entering the door code. WOO HOO! You go girl!
I really needed that, especially today! Plus, I love the way that she did it, it didn't draw attention to me in front of others, it didn't make me feel awkward because she did it through email. On top of that she actually took the time to open an email and send that. SO sweet! Saying she didn't recognize me has to be one of the greatest compliments ever. I think sometimes things happen for a reason, and maybe she sensed I needed that today. It is helping me to get focused, get back on track, and continue doing this because my hard work IS paying off, even if I don't realize it sometimes.
And now for some fun, to put things into perspective, here are some things that weigh 60 pounds, which is what I've lost to date.
40 dozen eggs:
4 of these:
240 sticks of butter:
12 of these:
Whether you've lost 6, 60 or 100, you are amazing! Just remember that even when we feel stuck, we can't give up. Struggling is NEVER fun, but those of us that are struggling are still trying. When we give up, we are no longer struggling because we are no longer trying. So even if you aren't doing the best on your journey right now, give yourself credit for still trying and not giving up.
Friday, March 01, 2013
If you ask me how February went, I would tell you it went SO WELL!!
But if you ask the scale, he will tell you it didn't go well at all.
Here's my side of the story.
I exercised EVERY single day in February.
I vowed to walk Sparky every day I was off and only missed 1 day when I was out with friends.
I am ending February with a little over 1300 Fitness Minutes.
I only have two dreaded cupcake stickers in my planner for February, which meant I ate over 3,000 calories. One day was my birthday, the other was girls night out. Last month I had 5, EEK!!
Sparky and I started off doing a mile and being super tired, and now we are doing 2.1 miles and loving it.
This isn't JUST February but over the last 6 weeks I have lost 17 inches from all over my body.
I broke through the dreaded plateau of 212 that I haven't been able to get under since Halloween!
But if you ask the scale how February went, this is what he'll tell you...
Stephanie lost 2.8 pounds in the month of February.
So to that I say ever so eloquently, the scale can suck it!! I can walk 2 miles without getting winded whereas before I went up my 7 stairs in my condo and needed a nap. My clothes are fitting better, I'm getting stronger, I have significantly cut down the amount of calories and processed food I have been eating, I have been eating more fruits and veggies, eating more frequently, what else do you want from me?
So instead of forming a pity party I am celebrating my NSV's and I am moving forward into March, and the scale can get with the program or not. For the sake of my BLC team I hope it does, but I am not letting that thing rule me any longer!
The main one that is different is adding something in addition to walking on my days off. I really think my body is at a point where walking isn't a huge deal. I am increasing my distance but I still think I need something else to get my heart rate up a little more a few days a week. And I need to put more consistency into my strength training for suresies.
Here is wishing everyone a fabulous March!
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