Sunday, April 14, 2013
I have the best conversations with my dog Sparky. He is a good listener, he NEVER judges me and he cares about me a lot!
This morning I was cuddling with him when I got home from work, and over the course of a couple minutes, it just started to come out. "Momma is sad, and momma's getting fatter..." and I paused and then it just kept coming "And when momma gets fatter, she gets even sadder and fatter and sadder and it's not good." Then I said "You don't want a 270 pound momma, because then momma couldn't take you for w-a-l-k-s, because she wouldn't be able to, and then you'd be sad, and you don't deserve that." (Had to spell out walk because I didn't want him to think we were going on one lol)
It was crazy how much came out to his furry little face, and he looked like he understood.
I saw something this morning that terrified me. I have already grown accustomed to seeing 216 which was bad enough, but today I saw the number that terrified me, 220. Part of it is bloating with TOM approaching but most of it is from the reckless eating. Yesterday I took good steps in the right direction, tracking food, walking, and getting in my water, but when your food is completely out of control, nothing can save you. We all know you can't out exercise a bad diet. My body has taken on 4 pounds in like 3 days, and while a lot of that may be a fluctuation, the number was very real and a preview of where I am headed.
I also have to say thanks for all the support. I know I am getting repetitive, everything is either I'm gaining, struggling, trying, etc... but keeping active on Spark is the only thread of hope I have to hang on for dear life... so I thank you all so much for hanging in there with me and encouraging me...it means a lot!
Monday, April 08, 2013
I'm trying to prevent my current 6 pound gain, 6 of those ^ from turning into 60.
For some of you, a 6 pound gain is a drop in the bucket. Even when I sit here saying it now, I know it's "only 6 pounds" and it can easily come off IF I do the work. But the problem is, I have not been doing the work. I also have several weight loss attempts under my belt, where a 40 pound loss ended up being completely wiped out in a few short months.
I know for me there is a very thin, brittle line between a 6 pound gain and a 60 pound gain. I know myself, and I am in the denial phase right now. I am in the "It's ONLY 6 pounds, it's okay. It's not like it's 10 or 20, you can turn this around, don't worry about it..." The problem with the denial phase, is telling myself a true statement, such as you can turn this around, but not following it up with an ACTION. I can turn it around, I can win the lottery, I can get struck by lightening, I can get to my goal weight... all of this can happen... can I win the lottery? Probably not. Can I get struck by lightening? Maybe, but I sure hope not... Can I turn this around and get to my goal? Yes, but not without the WORK.
60 pounds didn't fall off of me on one of my walks, it took a lot of work to lose it. And 60 pounds will pile on top of me if I keep eating fast food and sitting on the couch.
I mentioned struggling previously but it was very vague, let me go ahead and give you an idea of what that entails... By admitting this to you, I will be admitting it to myself which is very important.
: I lost my fitbit 3 weeks ago, my motivation to walk is apparently TIED to that fitbit. I think if I can find it, that will help SLIGHTLY.
: I have not been walking consistently at work. A lap or 2 here or there, but hardly any.
: I have not walked Sparky in about a week and a half. Yes, I feel terrible! My mom has taken him on my work days so he's gotten like 3 a week, bu the's used to his daily walks.
: There have been days where I've had MAYBE 8 ounces of water, ICK!
: Fast food, fast food, fast food! I don't even want to know what my credit card bill is going to say!
: Tight pants. I had to chose today between tight size 18's, and loose 20's and I picked loose 20's. That is not good folks!
: Emotional eating. Holy eating batman!
This one is huge, I am just in a very bad place emotionally. I have had my heart stomped on repeatedly over the last month. Lost a friendship with someone I've known 12 years, had not one but two boys use my heart as a punching bag, my beloved Sheldon is doing a little better but probably on his last legs, and of course the weight gain. The craziest thing, out of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of those things I mentioned above, the ONE thing that I can control the most, and honestly considering the situations the ONLY thing I can control is my weight gain or weight loss. I chose the path, I chose to sit on the couch eating Jack In The Box instead of eating something healthier and taking Sparky for a walk. The more I do this, the more it becomes my "new normal" and it took me over 6 months to make my healthy lifestyle my "new normal" and I am undoing all my hard work.
I feel like I have to relearn all those healthy habits. I can either relearn them now, sitting at 215 pounds, or I can relearn them at 250, 272, or even an all time high weight of 300. I do not want that. No one wants that.
I am starting on Thursday, and yes yes, I know, that sounds bad, but tough noogies. I have to ween myself onto this. Thursday I will track ALL food and water.. I will however take Sparky for his walk tomorrow night. By the time work rolls around on Saturday I want to have food prepared and ready to go and I need to find the blasted fitbit. I took my ipod on my own free will and now I really have NO excuse not to walk at work. I have my tunes and I need to use them.
I feel sluggish, I feel fat, I feel out of control and I hate it. I am sad for reasons beyond my control and now I need to make the best of the things I can control.
My goal for the end of April is to post a blog, to have at least SOME good news to report, and to weigh less than I do right now which is about 215. I can't give up on this fight, it is too important to me.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Disclaimer: Usually I am a huge fan of the tough love "just get off your butt and do it!", but I don't need that right now. Trust me, I am hard enough on myself at this point, and I am feeling pretty delicate, so if you're comment was going to be "Stop being lazy and get it done", that really isn't going to help me right now.
It's no surprise that I'm struggling. The scale is back up between 212-215. I am desperately trying not to let it go above 215. I do not want to slip back in the 220's.
I have a lot on my plate right now, and I know that is no excuse. Everyone has problems, things to deal with, struggles, and some people still get it done, and some crumble under the pressure. I am trying to find the in between. I am trying to deal with my stuff without packing back on the pounds, yet I am definitely being honest when I say I am not pushing towards my goal.
There are huge changes at work... they are remodeling which leaves us to dispatch in a tiny trailer, which is not fun. That is the smallest of my problems btw. ;) The others are so personal that I am not going in depth on those.
Sheldon (my dog) isn't doing well, and I know I am going to have to take him to have him put down soon. It breaks my heart.
The other struggles are super personal, I had put the gist of it in my status updates, I ended a friendship with someone I had known 12 years. I completely ended things with "the boy", found some closure but I am still healing. So many changes, and I am not a fan of change.
I am going to say this, and I don't need any comments about "don't settle, you need to keep pushing"... I am not giving up and I am not settling... but this is the thing. I feel OKAY at this weight. Now hear what I said, I feel OKAY. I will not settle for okay, I want to feel great. And while I don't know what my magical "I feel great" weight is going to be, I know it lies within Onederland though and I will find out in time. I feel so much better at this weight because it is the lowest I have been in years. I was 19 and 205... and it was downhill from there. So even getting back near that at age 27 is a huge accomplishment. So while I feel better in comparison, I know it isn't where I want to stay in the long term.
I have fallen out of tracking my food which is something I had always done, no matter how bad the calories were. So I am going to work on getting back to that. I need to get back on top of my walking at work and all of those things.
Working in the trailer threw a wrench in my food plan because I am no longer allowed to get up 6 times a day to go make food to eat my small meals. That is not possible and this is a situation I will be in for several months. I really feel like I am reevaluating everything. My life, my weight loss journey, my friends... it is a scary and unsure time for me but I am trying not to fall into the pit of despair. I don't want my next blog to be 3 months from now and me telling you I am 250 pounds.
I am not giving up, even in my hardest times I have still managed to not go above 215 and I want to at least get back to 210 and if I hang around there I hang around there.
I also made the executive decision to take my Ipod from my parents. I am nowhere near 199 and it's not coming any time soon. And now dispatching out of a freakin trailer I really need that damn thing for my sanity. You can judge me if you want, but I dropped the 300 bucks on it, it's been collecting dust almost 4 months and I'm just over it.
I am proud of the fact that I haven't shot back up into the 220's and my focus is just back to tracking, but my focus is also in other areas of my life and I have to do what is best for me.
Monday, March 25, 2013
It has only been a few short days since my last blog, but things are looking up! Things aren't back up to the standards of 's and 's, but of course that will take some time.
TMI Alert: I really think PMS had made everything worse the last couple of days. My emotions were real, but I really think they were at the extreme because of the hormones.
In the past few days I have gained control of my eating, implemented a new eating plan, but I am only using it as a guideline and am adding in things and doing what I need to do to meet my own calorie requirements.
I've kept up the exercise, but I almost feel like I'm getting my groove back for WANTING to exercise, ALMOST.
I am in the process of "letting the boy go"... it is harder than I thought but it would have been harder to do it later on. He knows I am done but I guess in some ways I am still mourning that loss a bit.
There is a new boy as seen in my status updates lol, I met him on a dating site and was a little reluctant to meet him because meeting new people like that causes me a lot of anxiety... But I don't continue to talk to people if I don't think they are genuinely nice guys, and while some slip through the cracks, the fact that he made it to the meeting stage speaks volumes.
We went out on Friday and we were just supposed to have a quick coffee date, but he ended up taking me to dinner and he paid which was very sweet. YES, at the age of 27, that is the FIRST time I have had someone buy me dinner. I had one other guy offer but when I said "are you sure, I can pay my half" he said okay and looked relieved LOL. I said the same to "new boy" but he said "No, I'm sure, I want to." So that was very nice. He was very polite, he opened all the doors for me, he walked me all the way back to my car which was way farther than his. When we said goodbye he asked if I wanted to do it again. He then texted me when he got home and said he had fun then told me it was the "best date he's been on so far". He texted me Saturday, and even told me good night when he went to bed. He wanted to see me today (asked yesterday) but I couldn't because of my work schedule. Yesterday he also told me I was pretty. I can't remember the last time a boy told me I was pretty... He talked to me today and told me goodnight...
I begged "the boy" (the original) to text me good night because in his line of work it is a dangerous job if you get where I'm going with that, and so that I would know he was okay and made it home safely, but he wouldn't do it. Just in the matter of 3 days this new boy has treated me so much better than I have ever been treated. I am not one to get super excited about a new person very quickly, but I am trying to give this guy a very fair chance. It is a twisted emotion because while I am happy he is treating me so well, it is also very depressing to see just how poorly "the boy" was treating me the past 6 months. It is a lot to take in, but I am working on it.
All in all, I am glad to be doing well with my food and trying to just work on being my happy self again. I bloated my way up to about 215 and the scale is finally coming back down so I hope to see 209 again soon and onward to Onederland. Yeah yeah, I know, I've been wanting to reach Onederland since October, but I still keep wishing and pushing, one day it'll all come together.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
I had really been looking forward to this day, but it has ended up coming at a time where I am REALLY REALLY struggling. I have been on Spark off and on since 2009, but March 20, 2012 I came back and got serious. I started that day at 262, 10 pounds down from my highest weight, and I have gotten as low as 209. But am currently sitting back at about 212.
I am going through a very rough patch, and I can't sit here and pretend that everything is 's and 's when it's not. I had hoped to be sitting here at a much lower weight, preferably in Onederland, but sometimes things don't go as planned.
For total disclosure, I was eating VERY poorly before Vegas, I ate terribly in Vegas and that pattern has continued after I got back, with a visit from TOM. It is no shock that I have gone from 209 back up to 212...My good buddy did remind me that sometimes a little bit of weight coming back is the reality check that we need to remind ourselves of what needs to be done.
I have been stuck at 212 since Halloween, and when I finally got under it I was so happy, but then started sabotaging myself... I know there is a part of me that is truly scared to lose this weight. I have admitted it before, and as I approach Onederland it is really becoming a reality that I CAN accomplish what I set out to do and it scares me. I know there was some physical stuff that my body was truly at a plateau for some time and it wouldn't budge no matter what I did... I think my body has overcome the physical hurdles and now it is the mental hurdles that are blocking me from reaching my goals.
I have a lot of personal stuff going on, and boys have a lot to do with it. It really kills me that I allow a boy, and my emotions to mess up my weight loss journey. It is not an excuse, I have full control and I am the one that ALLOWS this to happen, but it frustrates me that I do that. I know better, there are times I feel like I have learned a lot and come long way... and then there are times where I feel like I am back to square one.
I am trying to take the boy situation into my own hands, and because I am single I need to really start trying to date and meet people. It is so hard for me, I let my weight and more importantly HOW I FEEL about my weight hold me back. But I keep sitting on the couch and letting life pass me by, and I really need to get my act together. I will most likely be meeting a brand new boy on Friday if all goes according to plan, and that causes me a great deal of stress, anxiety and also a bit of sadness that despite the situation with "the boy", I am still very single.
I am sorry that this blog is such a downer, I am just in a pretty bad place right now and that is why this blog is the way this is. When I envisioned writing this months ago I intended it to be a super happy blog with all sorts of accomplishments, but that just isn't how I'm feeling today.
To try and end on a brighter note , this is the longest I have tried to lose weight without giving up. Despite being in a bad place and regaining some weight, I am not throwing in the towel. I am still walking at work and walking Sparky faithfully ... I have kept off 60 pounds total (50 pounds from this past year) successfully and keeping off ANY amount of weight is a huge deal for me. I am ready for more, I am ready to dig myself out of the rut, but any positive energy you could throw my way would be really appreciated during this difficult time. I am so thankful for all my Spark Friends, you are the reason I am here and not giving up. I LOVE YOU ALL, but quick special shout outs to Susan, Shelby, Alyssa, Elizabeth, Heather, Grace, Michelle and just well, EVERYONE because you are all seriously amazing!
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