Saturday, February 02, 2013
I have basically just been posting through status updates, and then sometimes I post things, and things don't go according to plan and I feel like a DOFUS. I swear, sometimes I feel like I jinx stuff. So for my spark friends that actually "know me", this blog is for you... and if you don't know me feel free to join in, but you probably won't give a tiny rats butt about anything in this blog.
: So a few months back I thought Sheldon had a stroke. We believe he has Vestibular disease which hits older dogs. He was doing great, he was doing great with Sparky, in fact he was the spunkiest I had seen him in weeks. I wake up at 1030 am Thursday (that is like the "middle of the night" for me and my whacky schedule), to Sparky barking. My poor Sheldon was standing there with his nose to the ground, wouldn't react to me, it was like I didn't exist. We did take him to the emergency vet, there is a possibility he has a brain tumor, which they prescribe steroids for but at his age it is not worth putting him through an MRI and other tests. Plus the fact that I can't afford some wazoo medical care. He is anywhere from 10-13, so the goal at this point is to just keep him as happy and comfortable for as long as possible. When I took him in December of 2011, the shelter was going to put him down because he was a nasty little dog and no one could touch him. Of course now he hearts me, but he will still tell you when he's "not having it" and will snap at you. My family has always prided ourselves in taking the "problem children". I would never take a dog that everybody wants to adopt, I'd much rather save the one that is overlooked.
Anyways, he looked horrible, but today he is feeling a lot better and was gently playing with Sparky again today. As for Sparky, he sleeps in my bed and sits with me on the couch, he does have some minor behavioral issues which just reaffirms he belongs at my house. The only thing that could be an issue is if he decides to bark when I am at work. Worst case scenario he will need a bark collar while I'm working, I am dreading that and I hope we don't have to go that route, but if the alternative was being put to sleep at the shelter, I can still find comfort in knowing this is a much better route for Sparky.
Sparky and I also went for our first walk today and it went great, and now he is pooped. I am going to make it a goal to walk him on all my days off. Around my block is exactly 1 mile and tomorrow we will go for 2. Walking with a high energy dog really allows me to pick up the pace and he almost pushes me to walk faster which is pretty cool.
One thing I will say is having this new dog has kept me on my toes and kept me more focused on him and how he is getting along with Sheldon that I am not fighting the urge to mindlessly eat or eat out of boredom, so that's another perk.
: The boy. So this emoticon isn't ideal because these people are clearly 's and 's in their relationship and that isn't the case. So for the handful of my ladies that really want to know what is up with the boy I thought I'd update. I still am weary of getting super personal on here... but I feel like a dummy because I posted that the boy and I had plans for Thursday. We have only hung out at his house, and this was kind of a big deal because we planned ahead, and he was coming to my house for the first time.
Here is the issue, and if you are going to lecture me or question my choices or morals, save us both the trouble and keep it to yourself...
I am about to be 27 and have not been "around the block" many times, and well, you are just going to have to take my word of it.
The short version of the boy story is we went on a date once, a little over 4 years ago. We never really hung out again, but we continued to talk. We talked through text/instant messenger mostly... but we have been friends ever since. He wanted to see me a few times through the years but I avoided it like the plague because I had gained a significant amount of weight from the last time he saw me.
As an example, I was about 205ish when we went on our date, and at any given time was between 240-272 and had no desire to allow him to see me that way. He was once very overweight, lost 80 pounds, and then has gained back a few. He still deals with self image and feeling fat even though he is definitely not fat. So he has never been anything but nice about my weight, but it was a personal issue.
Anyways, we started "hanging out" in September. It was nothing serious and we have seen each other very sporadically since then. Our schedules are totally opposite, he works 4am to 4pm, I work 5pm to 5am, and we typically don't share many of the same days off. He also works A LOT of overtime. So obviously that didn't make for much time together.
(Apparently my fingers have taken over, and it's all just flooding out, LOL)... He does this thing, THAT I HATE where he will go days without texting me. IT MAKES ME CRAZY. I like to think I'm pretty sane by nature, but I have never had a guy do that. He feels like if he's working he doesn't have to talk to me and I hate that. I have told him repeatedly how much that hurts me, and he works on it for a little bit but then it's back to his old ways. When I first met him, I would tease him that he was "too nice" and "like a girl" because, well he really was. I believe his current job has kind of changed him, and some of the changes aren't good.
Since I gave the disclaimer above, I will say we basically were "hooking up" and not really "dating". I have never really skipped the dating part, so this was uncharted territory for me and let me just say it is not for me. I can't deal with that, and I've learned that for the future. I was very open and honest with him that I couldn't handle the situation... communicating with him in general is like pulling teeth, and talking about something REAL makes it even harder, but basically he agreed with me that he didn't want it to just be hooking up, but then made no effort to change it. And for the record, I don't even know how much I really like the guy, I wasn't trying to make him my boyfriend, I just wanted to spend some time together, go on a proper date and see if we even TRULY enjoyed each others company. Again, would agree he didn't want it to be hooking up and in the SAME sentence say he didn't know what he wanted. So that is what I've been dealing with since December.
The last time I saw him was the end of December, he was supposed to come over Thursday. The thing is, he did not have my address so we obviously needed to talk before hand even if he said on Monday he was going to come over. I text him Tuesday to see if he is still coming over. My #1 reason for wanting to know was so I could make sure everything was super clean. He didn't say anything. Then Wednesday I asked again and nothing. When he finally did respond I was just done. He said he wanted to come on Thursday but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he still wasn't sure what he wanted, but he just didn't want it to be about that (hooking up). What I can't understand is, you don't know what you want but you don't want it to be hooking up, but you have not once tried to have an actual date. I was really hoping we would have a great day on Thursday and that it would help and now that is totally crushed.
It didn't end well, that was the only text I got from him, but being an emotional girl I kind of just told him that I felt like he knows what he wants, but he just doesn't want it with me and that I was done. He always weasels his way back in and he always does the "come over now" stuff and I hate that but I have given into it. I am just kinda hurt by the whole situation. He doesn't owe me anything as we aren't even dating, so it just makes me feel like the worlds biggest idiot. I have never been shy about saying I have severe self esteem issues, and I feel like any girl with a good sense of self worth wouldn't have let it gone on this long without putting her foot down.
Mind you, my comment to him about knowing what he wants comes from the fact that for the last 4 years he has whined to me that he doesn't like being alone and wants a girlfriend. Now you have someone (me) that wants to spend time with you and you "don't know what you want". He is 29 and has never had a girlfriend, and I'm not mocking that at all, but I can't understand why he has told me for years he wished he had a girlfriend and then has acted this way with me. I think that is why it's a bigger slap in the face to me, I feel like he wants a girlfriend, but just not me. And even right now when he has no other options, I feel like I'm still not good enough. Like he'd rather chose being alone over being with me. Time will tell, but I don' t know if I will be hearing from him again. The hardest part is that I'm losing a friend. *SIGHS*
Wow, so this turned into a huge venting blog instead of a simple update. I will probably regret putting "so much" out there, but it is what it is. So this is what I've been struggling with, a lot of emotional stuff over here and it's just been really hard. I am feeling better today but the whole thing still plagues me.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
So as my 7 million status updates have said, I got to bring home my new fur-baby Sparky today. The shelter kind of picked on him for his initial behavior upon getting dumped at the shelter, and he has some issues regarding fences (as in barking and growling to "protect you" from the person outside the fence). I have no fence, so problem solved. I work 12 hour shifts and would never wish that on a young, active dog, but when the alternative is that the shelter may very well put him to sleep, it makes it so my house isn't "as bad". On the flip side I am off 3-4 days a week and he will get plenty of love and attention. And him and Sheldon's "Mee-maw" live 5 minutes away and I know she'd be happy to sit with her grandkids on some of the nights I work. I don't want to jinx it, but so far so good with him and Sheldon. He is just learning that Sheldon is older and more fragile and can't play like he may want him to. But they have been fine. :)
If you are an animal lover like me, please keep your paws crossed that things continue to be 's and 's between the pooches!
My final January check in... I've decided not to do this for February because, it's a little tedious, and I really doubt that anyone cares if I drank my 8 glasses of water or not... and trust me, I don't take that personally. It helped me to be accountable and it helped me to see the areas that needed work. I wanted to prove to myself I could stay accountable for 4 weeks and do this, and I have. I will still continue to kind of recap with myself to see the areas that need work, without going through the formalities of a blog. If I find myself slipping in any way though I may come back to it.
Oh and the other good news is, it looks like I'm going to have a 2 pound loss to contribute to my BLC team this week. That still puts me back to my dreaded 212.4 (have YET to make it under 212) but I'm really hoping once I get under it, my weight loss starts becoming more consistent again.
And the recap for January 23rd - January 29th
Track water and get a minimum of 8 glasses. 6/7 days.
Strength Training: 3/5 days... What I have learned from this is that my best chance at actually completing the lower body strength training is to include them on the upper body days. Maybe just to do them on 2 of the upper body days would work. That way it's a total of 3 days but just getting them all done at once.
Cardio: 7/7 days Been going great with that, a lot of it is contributed to the BLC because I want my fitness minutes points for my team. :)
1000 Monthly Fitness Minutes: 1358/1000 And the month is not even over. My first 1000 FM trophy since October. I plan to keep the momentum going.
Track Food: 7/7 days
Stay In Range: 5/7 days This is definitely a huge improvement from last week, but still plenty of room for improvement. I'm getting there, slowly but surely, the redeeming quality is the 2 days "over range" were 1988 calories and 2115, whereas last week they were about 2300 and before that the "over days" were 3000+. So I've definitely improved tremendously.
Blog about goals once per week: This is it, so
Sunday, January 27, 2013
So I don't want to jinx anything, but my work had the WORST food police ever! But I realized that they must have turned in their badges and moved on. I think part of this is due to some intense drama with a recent break up in the work place and that everyone is pre occupied with that (thank goodness!), but it even goes to before that.
In the last few weeks I have not heard any of the following:
Should you be eating that?
One cookie won't kill you!
Should you really be having a donut?
Well, it's okay to eat bad some of the time.
I get both ends of the spectrum. I have people that want to feed me and people who want to analyze everything I put in my mouth. I know for a fact there were many people wondering how long until I was "off the wagon" and I can confidently say 10 months in they've given up on me gaining my weight back.
The questions about "are you losing weight" have stopped and no one really comments on it anymore. That is a relief to me, compliments are always nice, but I like being back under the radar where I like to occupy most of my time. It's kind of like they have accepted 214-pound-Stephanie (give or take a few pounds) as the new Stephanie, and I like that a lot. I also haven't lost weight in a few months, and now that I am on the losing trend again, I kind of like that I will be able to lose probably another 20 pounds before anyone notices me getting smaller. I'd really like to fly under the radar until I get to 170 and then come in free dress one day that really shows my progress and just be like BAM, here I am. LOL. (We wear uniforms at work but have free dress on Sundays) But we'll see what happens.
I just wanted to share my joy, because being able to eat anything from broccoli to an ice cream cone and not be questioned is amazing in these parts!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Yes, I'm becoming one of those people that blog more than once a day. And no offense if you are one of those people that blogs multiple times I day, I enjoy it, it gives me something to read.
Anyways, just my check in, nothing exciting but it is really helping me to see where I need improvement.
And the recap for January 16th - January 22nd
Track water and get a minimum of 8 glasses. 6/7 days.
Strength Training: 3/5 days (I keep skipping the days where it's lower body, but keep getting the arm days done. I will work on this)
Cardio: 7/7 days (Two "rest days" but include walking)
1000 Monthly Fitness Minutes: 873/1000
Track Food: 7/7 days
Stay In Range: 3/7 days I knew this wasn't going to be good, but I didn't realize how bad it truly was until just now. The good news is, when I was going over range previously, that could mean a 3000+ calorie day, I have significantly lowered that to where a "bad day" might be 2300. It's a step in the right direction but the #1 focus of this next week is going to be getting my eating back to what it needs to be.
Blog about goals once per week: This is it, so
Overall: 79%, definitely needs improvement and food choices and staying in calorie range are the main goals for this next week.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Hey, Hot Stuff!
Okay, so I wouldn't normally call you hot stuff, but that picture was too cute to resist! So you haven't had me on your case for a while, and I'm sure you hoped you wouldn't be hearing from me. The thing is, I know you better than, well, anyone! You can't lie to me or try to downplay how you are feeling, because I know the truth!
Let me tell you how you are feeling. You are feeling so many conflicting emotions, I don't even know where to start. Let's start with frustration. I know right now you are frustrated with the fact that you have weighed about 214 since Halloween. We all know what happened, you got down to 212, claimed your 60 pounds lost , and within a matter of a few days shot right back up to 214. You thought about giving up your trophy but you figured you'd be right back to 212 soon enough. Well I got news for you, it's the end of January and you are still hovering around 214. So part of you is extremely frustrated to not be making any progress.
But on the flip side of that you are a little proud... proud because by now you would have given up! You are about 10 months into this journey, and while you have not lost any significant weight in the past few months, you haven't gained any either. You got up to 218 for a hot minute, but right back down. Then up to 216 and now back down to 214ish. For someone who was previously a quitter, that's pretty freakin cool. You very easily could have gained back 20-30 pounds in that time if you had thrown in the towel, but you didn't.
But even with some sense of accomplishment, I find that you are reminiscing about "the old you". You know the one, the 272 pound Stephanie who ate whatever she wanted and could have won the gold medal in the Couch Potato Olympics. That Stephanie got to eat large quantities of greasy, salty food and had fast food essentially everyday. That Stephanie never had to weigh or track her food. That girl never gave a thought to how many calories were in anything, that girl found nothing wrong with days consisting of sitting unless she absolutely HAD to get up and do something. That girl didn't have a care in the world.
But wait a minute, you are only remember HALF OF THE STORY!! That girl weighed 272 pounds, and was miserable because of her weight. She would lay in bed each night and wish she could lose this weight. In fact, she wasn't even comfortable in bed, she felt like her neck fat was swallowing her neck and even had trouble breathing because the weight on her chest was so heavy. Turning over in bed felt like an Olympic sport.
That girl tried every diet under the sun, only to come back even heavier. That girl hated going anywhere because she knew everyone was staring at her, and many times she could even hear the comments. So when you have thoughts of going back to that lifestyle, make sure you are looking at the BIG picture.
Yes, you can have days filled with being lazy, lounging all day and eating all sorts of delicious greasy foods, but with that comes weight gain, torment, physical exhaustion, emotional turmoil and many other things. So when you think about taking the "easy" way out, you need to think it through.
If you chose to go back to your old ways, you will NO LONGER BE ABLE TO:
Say that you have lost almost 60 pounds.
Walk up your stairs without feeling the need to rest.
Walk laps at work and not get tired after 1 or 2.
Receive compliments from people at how much progress you have made.
Wear the smaller clothes you have recently purchased.
Walk around at the grocery store or other place without getting sweaty.
Say that this is the first time on a weight loss journey that you haven't quit!
And you will NEVER be able to:
Reach Onederland and get that ipod touch!
Get to your goal weight!
Get out of plus size clothing.
Feel GREAT about yourself and look great while feeling great!
Get back your confidence you lost from gaining all this weight.
Truly be at peace with yourself and your body.
So the decision is yours. I know you, and you are a stubborn little thing. It doesn't matter anyone else says, because at the end of the day you will do whatever you want. So make your choice, but when you do it please remember that the 272-pound-Stephanie...
was not a very happy Stephanie. I trust you will make the right choice!
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