Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So first off I'm starting with a disclaimer. I have refrained from getting too personal in my blogs for sometime, because without fail, some random person will come and make some comment that will either rile me up, rub me the wrong way, or be just downright negative or hurtful. So with that said, if you don't have something nice to say, then get to steppin'.
On the flip side of that, anyone of my TRUE Spark Friends (you know who you are) have the liberty to say whatever they want. The know me, and I know whatever they may have to say comes from a good place and I am always happy to hear whatever that may be.
Okay, so I'm turning 27 (Feb 3).. now no one go all "that's not even old, get a life" on me, because that's pretty counter productive. I know I'm not old, and besides, we are only as old as we feel. And please don't think if you happen to be older than me that "If I'm worried about 27, I must think other people are ancient.", because I assure you that is not the case. I have friends in their 40's and I would never once have a glimmer of a thought that they were old.
This is a (mostly) irrational issue that I have. It pretty much started when I became 23. There is nothing special about the number 23, nor is there anything special about the number 27. I was happy to turn 21, I was fine with turning 22, but there was something about 23 that REALLY hit home that I am no longer a kid. You are definitely an adult, and then 24, 25, etc. really cemented in that fact.
The root of my Birthday Blues comes from the things that I am unhappy with in my life becoming front and center in my mind. There is something about "letting another year go by" without making changes, or falling into a rut so to speak.
In past years, these are the thoughts that I have had, and please, no harsh words on these things, I am letting you guys in to my deepest most feelings, so please handle them with care...
*You are the fattest you have ever been...
*You still live at home with your parents...
*You are not only single but you have nothing that even resembles a "love life"...
*You are going to end up an old maid...
*No one is ever going to love you...
Etc etc. I won't go on and on as a lot of the thoughts are similar, but you can understand the main idea. This isn't a daily thing, I am generally a pretty happy person, it is just something that comes with my birthday and the realization that I am another year older.
A large part of this stems from the fact that I really would like to be a mother SOMEDAY. I was explaining to a fellow Sparker how silly I felt, because I am in no way shape or form ready to be a wife and mother RIGHT NOW. I'm just not. I want that very badly to happen SOMEDAY but not right now. So it seems silly to kind of mourn the fact that I am not at that place in my life, when it's something I am not ready for.., So that is something I am working on figuring out and coming to terms with so that I can feel better. I think the best way to explain it is that I know there is a specific age window in which I would be able to become a mother, and with each year that passes the window gets smaller, and it scares me.
To get super dooper personal, I had made a decision a few years ago that if I am 40, and single with no potential to have a family, I would at that point adopt a child. I absolutely want to be a mother, and if I can't have my own child and have a family that I so desire, I think it would be quite fulfilling to adopt a child that does not have that family. You would think this would put my mind at ease a little, and at times it does, but it doesn't squash the desire that I have to have my own child someday.
I am doing my BEST to look at the positives, and the list that I use has significantly been cut down, and I am trying to focus on that, because...
*I am NOT the fattest I've ever been this year. In fact, I'm actually the smallest I have been in AT LEAST 5 years, and although I've been in a plateau and struggling lately, I have not given up.
*I do not live with my parents, I was blessed to buy a beautiful condo that I own a little over 3 years ago, and that has down wonders for my general happiness and sense of accomplishment.
*I have found a job that I love, that is going to be my career until the day I retire... unless there is some huge catastrophe that prevents this from happening.
*While I am still very single, I have gone on dates, and just put myself out there much more than I have in the past. I may not have found "the one" or had a boyfriend, but I have gone on dates and that is more than I can say for some of my previous years.
*I am working on myself from the inside out. I am trying to learn about myself and figure out the person I want to be, and I have come a long way in many areas.
So while I can sit here and tell you all these things, and be proud of certain accomplishments and logically know that despite getting a year older, I am much better off than I was in previous years, I still can't help and get a little case of the blues. With that said, I am doing my best not comfort myself with food, which has always been my "go to feel better thing", and while that is hit and miss, I am conscious of it and working at it.
I know this was long and boring, and unless you are my true Spark Friend I don't see many people wanting to read this, and that is okay. It was good for me to put it out there. I was so touched by the overwhelming support from my friends on my status that I thought I would explain myself for anyone who reached out to me and kind of asked what is wrong. I am so blessed to have such great Spark Friends, and you guys make me want to keep trying even when I don't feel like it, and I heart you all so much!
And I didn't forget about my week 2 check in, it's not 100% but I will post the good, bad and the ugly Tuesday night.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Today was just a good day. Walked 2 miles at the mall with bro to get some exercise in, I'm in range, made some delicious turkey meatballs, today is definitely a good one.
I don't know if you guys have seen this idea floating around, apparently it's on facebook, pinterest and all of that. But I saw that a fellow sparker BogusAnnie is making a Woohoo jar! She has a vlog on it if you want to check out the details, it's basically a jar where you write down good or happy things that happen throughout the year. Then at the end of the year you can open it and read through all the good things that have happened. Or, if you are feeling down and need a pick me up, looking through the jar and reading it could be very inspiring. I think it would be a great way to record those NSV's and just happy things in everyday life that we feel good about in the moment but forget about them shortly after. I got some cute paper and stickers from the store, and I decided to use this candle holder I had at home. I love pumpkins because it reminds me of Fall/Halloween/Cinderella which I love love love, so that seems perfect for a jar!
I decided my reward for getting to Onederland was an Ipod Touch 5... Target had a deal where if you bought it this week, you could get a $30 Target gift card. I couldn't pass this up so I got it today. It is at my brothers house and he has strict orders not to give it to me until I get to 199, and he means business! I really want it, and I don't have a fancy smart phone so this is going to be my coolest gadget yet. Plus I will use it at work when I walk my laps, woohoo.
Got some new work shoes that are great for walking, super excited about that. It doesn't take much to make me happy these days.
I hope everyone is having a nice week!
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
So this year is not quite off to the start I was hoping for. It is definitely a work in progress with me revamping my whole exercise routine and adding strength training. I think I just thought I was a robot, and could turn it "on" just like that. Going from almost no strength training to 5 days a week is a process and I'm realizing I have to build up to it. I'm not going to change my goals, but you will see a lot of my goals aren't 5/5 or 7/7. I am definitely a work in progress but I don't want to lose sight of the goals I set, but I am learning to take it one step at a time.
Yesterday I was sick, and am still sick today but I am feeling 10 times better and I think this cold is on it's way out! Then on top of that, my weight is fluctuating big time and it's not adorable. As any of you know I have been struggling with gaining and losing the same 5 or so pounds and feeling like my body refuses to go under 212. But I'm not going to go into that because I have beat that to death in previous blogs and I don't want the focus to be solely on the scale. But I have accepted what's done is done and I am just continuing to move forward.
In other news though I am so looking forward to the start of BLC 21. My captain even reminded me that I need to stop getting caught up on the few pounds I've gained and just push forward. I can't keep moping about these newly "found" pounds, but I can work to get rid of them.
So here is the recap for January 2 - January 8th.
Track water and get a minimum of 8 glasses. 7/7 days.
Strength Training: 2/5 days (This is one that needs a lot of work)
Cardio: 5/7 days (Two "rest days" but include walking) This would have been 6 out of 7 before the blasted cold. Oh well. That's life lol.
1000 Monthly Fitness Minutes: 246/1000
(This goal was added after I realized I have not had a 1000 minute fitness month since October, eek!)
Track Food: 7/7 days
Stay In Range: 4/7 days (This is going to be my number one focus for the following week to get to 7/7!)
Blog once per week: This is it, so
Sunday, January 06, 2013
So my physical part of my weight loss journey has definitely stalled quite a bit. I believe there are several things contributing to that at the moment. Some of those things include a change in birth control, my body plateauing, etc. But I also contribute it to me slacking off a bit, I need to push harder and I think I am finally ready to really pump it up and make this my number one focus again. I have been 212-216 since Halloween, and that is definitely not how I wanted this to go. I wanted to be in Onederland by now or at least right on the cusp, but all I can do is move forward.
But while the physical part of my journey has stalled, my emotional/mental journey never stops. I never stop trying to understand my emotions and what leads me to emotionally eat at times when I know it's counterproductive to my journey. I am learning a lot about myself, and I have definitely changed as a person. I have definitely changed for the better and I am much kinder to myself. I am no longer putting myself down (with the exception of an occasional "oh god, you are so bloated your pants are tight" comment here or there), and I feel SO much better. My outside has changed, sure, but the changes on my inside are the true gift.
With that said I have been doing my best to find positives in the things that seem negative, but I am also not trying to sugar coat anything and make things seem 's and 's when they are actually & . I am finding that is a very delicate balance between trying not to beat yourself up for something, but also not sugar coating it to tell yourself that it's "no big deal". I don't want to sweep things under the rug, I want to face them head on, even if sometimes it gets difficult.
The fact that I have been within the same range since Halloween time is not okay with me. I wanted to be farther along in my journey, I am not content at 215ish pounds, and I refuse to settle for something I am not comfortable with. But on the other hand, the "old me" would have thrown in the towel at this point because I feel stuck. The old me would have gained anywhere from 10-25 pounds in the last 2ish months and would not be even attempting to try. So that is a positive. Another positive is that I now have some pretty excellent practice for maintenance. When I get to 180 (or possibly 170) I want a 5 pound range that is going to be my maintenance range and my weight loss journey is going to be the same as it is now, the only adjustment is getting to eat slightly more calories because I won't have to account for a deficit. So the fact that I did that for over 2 months and over the holidays at that shows me that I have definitely learned something about maintenance even if I didn't mean to. I am looking at the positives but while still pushing myself to reach my goals. I am finding it is so easy to get comfortable with where we are at when we've lost a decent amount of weight. It is a scary thought but just because I am happier and feeling better doesn't mean I am done pushing towards my goals.
So with that said, I am glad I have learned something about maintenance even if it wasn't planned, but now I want to push on to my goals so that I can get to my maintenance weight and put that knowledge to good use! Plus I have plenty of awesome Spark friends waiting for me in Onederland, I think I've kept them waiting long enough, so I promise to do my best to get there as soon as possible! Play time is over, and I need to remember to keep my eye on the !
I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend and that they are starting off 2013 on the right foot! I had a bit of a stumble, but I'm feeling much more sturdy now!
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