STEPH-KNEE   60,885
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STEPH-KNEE's Recent Blog Entries

60 Pounds Down, I'm So Excited & I Just Can't Hide It!

Friday, December 07, 2012

Okay, so I have to tell you, my official weigh in day is Wednesday, and I weighed in at 212.6. Normally I would wait until next Wednesday to record my weight, but I have been waiting for this for SO long, I just couldn't contain myself!

You know what is crazy, I didn't even realize it til just now. I get on the scale every morning, but don't record it (and please, no lectures about weighing everyday emoticon )... so I just noted that the scale went down and went on with my day. I have been on a major plateau and had been within 2 pounds of 60 down for over a month, so I kind of forgot about it. It was hours later that I finally realized 212 pounds on the nose meant 60 pounds down! emoticon emoticon emoticon

So now I am doing the Snoopy Dance and am just so happy!


I have been so caught up with the challenge I made for myself of a "1400 Calorie December", the actual weight goals part kind of slipped my mind.

To all my Spark Friends who have been supporting me since I started this "new journey" in March, and there are even some who have been supporting me for years on this site, I thank you so much! You don't know what it means to me to have the support of such amazing people. Now on to 70 pounds down, closely followed by Onederland, and on to my goal of 180! I'm looking forward to it! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERRY_XMAS 12/19/2012 3:38PM

    Amazing! Congratulations!!!!
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TONYTHETSANGEL 12/10/2012 7:33PM

    Yeah for you!!!
I know your are proud of yourself!!
Keep going!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



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ANYA_JADE 12/10/2012 12:42PM

    Congratu-freaking-lations! :D I'm so happy for you! 60 pounds is such an accomplishment! Not too much farther to go! Keep it up.

^_^

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REDQT2 12/9/2012 6:16PM

    emoticon

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LAHUDSONCHEF 12/9/2012 11:04AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MINILOVER1 12/9/2012 10:51AM

    emoticon emoticon Congrats on your 60 pound loss.

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DIANER2014 12/9/2012 9:18AM

    Congratulations on your awesome success! emoticon emoticon

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NANCYSINATRA 12/9/2012 2:03AM

    congrats!!! Doing the happy dance with you.:)

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IMSOOZEEQ 12/8/2012 11:11PM

    Okay so I don't want to emoticon on your parade because it is not like me to do that kind of thing in this kind of place BUT....I have to say that YOU ROCK!!! Got ya! Umm is it looking like emoticon & emoticon yet???

You are so emoticon and I am so proud of you!!! 60 pounds lost!!!! emoticon

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KALIKA! 12/8/2012 11:00PM

    Congratulations! What an accomplishment and an inspiration!

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NPA4LOSS 12/8/2012 9:44PM

    emoticon on your great Success! emoticon

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 12/8/2012 9:38PM

    emoticon blog!!! emoticon on your efforts!!! So proud of you!

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 12/8/2012 9:36PM

    WOOHOOO for being down 60!!!! Congratulations!

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THESHELBSTER 12/8/2012 4:44PM

    Yay. So proud of you. You are a rock star! Love you!!! You are an inspiration to me and so many others.

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JESSICA_STULTZ 12/8/2012 12:06PM

    YAY! :) 60 pounds is so much to lose. Some people really have no idea just how much better you feel when you lose that much. Congrats and I hope nothing tries to make your mind stray from your 1400 calorie December!

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_MOBII_ 12/8/2012 9:55AM

    That's fantastic!

And I think its ok to weigh yourself every day (I do it) as long as it doesn't become an unhealthy obsession.



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PURPLE180 12/7/2012 9:02PM

    emoticon emoticon

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STAYB123 12/7/2012 7:23PM

    Amazing!! I am inspired!!! Keep up the great work !! Onederland here you come!

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WOOHOOFORYOU 12/7/2012 6:47PM

    Congratulations!! :D

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SKINNIESOMEDAY 12/7/2012 6:29PM

    emoticon and emoticon

to you !! You should be so proud and thrilled !!



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GRACEMCC45 12/7/2012 5:07PM

    Yay!!!! So exciting - great job!!

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MISSB8604 12/7/2012 4:51PM

    Congrats!!!!!!!

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EUEK098 12/7/2012 4:01PM

    emoticon

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NIKKICOLE83 12/7/2012 3:28PM

    YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR!!!!! I cannot wait until I am right there with you. Maybe I need to try 1400 cal December! You are doing amazing and i even noticed you are nearly smiling in your recent pics.

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GEMINIGEM6 12/7/2012 3:19PM

    OMG! Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you and so proud of you!!!!! I know you are feeling on top of the clouds! That is such a major accomplishment! I know I haven't been there w/ you on your journey from the beginning but I am def here for you and I wanna thank YOU for supporting me! You rock serious socks! Congrats!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIXIEDOLL87 12/7/2012 1:41PM

    way to go!! That is so awesome!!

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PEGGYO 12/7/2012 1:23PM

    and you're well on your way

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BRIDE2BEJOURNEY 12/7/2012 1:07PM

  WOOHOO!! Way to go!!!

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AIDANELENA 12/7/2012 1:05PM

    Way to go! That's so exciting! I weigh myself nearly every day as well...it helps keep my goals in check from the get-go!

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PRINCESSAMY 12/7/2012 12:14PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CELAMANTIA 12/7/2012 11:32AM

    That is so awesome! And don't worry about weighing every day, it's not a problem as long as you have a long-term attitude and don't stress over the fluctuations. emoticon

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SKINNYMISSKASEY 12/7/2012 11:17AM

    Way to go!!

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JACOBSBELOVED 12/7/2012 10:34AM

    Yay!!!! This 1400 Calorie December is just what you needed! I am so excited for you!

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STARSUB99 12/7/2012 10:22AM

    Oh my - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew you would do it! Talk about motivation - you're doing it right girlfriend! Keep up the great success! emoticon

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HFAYE81 12/7/2012 10:16AM

    SO amazing!!! Almost to ONEDERLAND!!! emoticon

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SONIA260 12/7/2012 9:58AM

    yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you broke through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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HEALTHYAGER 12/7/2012 9:56AM

    Amazing work! Way to go!!!

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YMWONG22 12/7/2012 9:33AM

  Congratulations!!! What a great achievement!!!!
You had every right to be excited and happy.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HILLRUNNER 12/7/2012 9:27AM

    Dancing along with you!!
WTG! Excellent and you should be super proud of what you have accomplished!! emoticon

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PUNKY100 12/7/2012 9:17AM

    YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
!!!!!!

I'm SO FREAKIN EXCITED for you!!!!!

I bet by the time you hit next Wednesday you'll be over 60 lost. I am so amazed and proud of you, especially sticking to your plan this month after being in a plateau. So awesome!!!!!!

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XANGELSTEARZX 12/7/2012 9:11AM

    emoticon emoticon

P.S. I weigh everyday too. I like to keep water weight in perspective so I know if my sodium intake needs changed.

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TIMELAG 12/7/2012 9:05AM

    emoticon That is such a wonderful achievement! I can sense a renewed energy and dedication in you. Still keeping a close eye on your progress since we are at the same weight! Keep up the great work!

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AMCLELLAN 12/7/2012 8:36AM

    That is amazing. You can do it!! Great Job!

Don't worry, I weigh myself every morning too.

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PAULAROCKS3 12/7/2012 8:29AM

    That's awesome! Mush feel fabulous to see the results of all your hard work! Keep it up!

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ADARKARA 12/7/2012 8:13AM

    emoticon You're doing so great!!!

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PATRICIA4472 12/7/2012 6:59AM

    emoticon emoticon
This is a true WOO HOO !!!! Congratulations on your achievement. Take this great feeling and make it work for you!!

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SARASMILING 12/7/2012 6:42AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon So excited for you!! Yay!!!

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TRACY31502 12/7/2012 6:41AM

    YAY!!! I'm doing the Snoopy dance for you too! That is fantastic! and no worries about lectures on the scale...I weigh every day too and only record it once a week....I think some of us need that just to keep us on track! I'm so happy for you....breaking through a plateau is something to get up and dance about that is for sure!!! way to go girl!!!! You will be in onederland before you know it!

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LRSILVER 12/7/2012 6:39AM

    Yay!. Well deserved.. Enjoy the moment.


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MYHUBBYISMYHERO 12/7/2012 6:28AM

    Stephanie,
Time to celebrate and enjoy this special achievement. Have a great weekend. Don't let the holidays sabotage your getting healthy goals.
I love the sparking pumpkins on your background.
Sharon

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"1400 Calorie December" and BLC 20 Recap...

Saturday, December 01, 2012


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am SO flippin happy that it is December! I am so glad to have November, the month of not losing ANY weight behind me, and I'm ready for a fresh start. I am not normally someone who looks at the months, or fresh starts of a new week, or anything like that. But I am so excited to just be able to move forward. I have decided I am going to aim for 1400 calories during December. It is completely doable, in fact I am sure there are many of you that eat that amount or even less. When I first started in March of this year (one of my many, many restarts), I was faithful to the 1550 mark. As time went on, it got to be 1600, 1700, and sometimes 1800. I was content at losing a pound or 1.5 pounds per week and eating that little extra was worth it to me. While I am not focusing so much on the weight loss (1 or 2 pounds), I want to get my eating completely under control. I want to prove to myself that if I make smarter choices, 1400 is more than enough food. Obviously if I have Jack In The Box for lunch and blow 1200 calories, it is not enough food, which is why I don't need the Jack In The Box to begin with.

I don't expect anyone to really care about my plan for December, but I am putting it out here in the Sparkverse so that I have to be accountable. I will post each Saturday with my calories for the week, and I am hoping that it'll help me think twice before I go and eat something I shouldn't. I am sure I will not have a perfect month, because no one is perfect, but I would like to make it through December with minimal bumps in the road if possible. Then on December 31st I will post the recap, and then I will need to think of a new plan for January, a whole new YEAR?! Now that is going to be super exciting. emoticon emoticon


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"BLC 20 Recap"
As a part of our final week of BLC 20, one of our challenges is to post how we did this round. BLC ran for 12 weeks and I started the challenge at 227 pounds. I am currently 214, and our final weigh in is on Wednesday. I am happy that I made progress, but I am really sad to say that I have weighed 214 ever since October 31st. I attribute SOME of this to being on a plateau, but I also take full responsibility because I have not been pushing hard enough to break through. I am anxious to see where I place when the challenge is over, I have managed to be within the top 100 most weeks, and there are over 400 people in this challenge. I really enjoyed every aspect of the challenge, and once I got into the swing of it I really found it inspiring.

And a HUGE thank you to all of my Spark Friends that commented on my photo! It made me feel like a million bucks, which does not happen often. But it also makes me want to push that much more, and my plan is for the next pic to be of me in Onederland. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHERFREE 12/5/2012 10:58PM

    Fabulous plan dude! Decembers here and then its a new year for us to look forward to. Christmas is out to get me but I go grocery shopping tomorrow and am excited to really get in gear, I only have like one good week out of a month and its killing me! So tonight I am cleaning every bad thing out of the kitchen and getting everything I need so theres no excuses

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JESSICA_STULTZ 12/4/2012 11:33AM

    You can do it! You are so close to that 200 mark. Putting it into perspective.. If you lost 2 pounds per week you could be in Onederland! Sometimes I can use that type of thinking for motivation. I'm hoping I can get back on track with calories as well. I haven't been very faithful with my tracking lately.. and eating has kind of slipped. Working on getting back into it right now though! I definitely don't want to make it back to 200s since I've made it this far.

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PRINCESSAMY 12/3/2012 2:02PM

    I am maintaining for the month of December but I love your plan. emoticon

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WEBEZE 12/3/2012 2:25AM

    I like your December goal. Mine is to make it through the holidays without gaining. Actually made it through Thanksgiving eating all of my favorites and still lost 1 pound over the last 2 weeks.
Congrats on BLC top 100. Looks like you averaged 1 pound a week. Just think at the end of a year that is 52 pounds gone.
emoticon emoticon

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JUDY106 12/2/2012 4:15PM

    You can do it!! you are looking really great. You can see the weight lost. It sounds as if you have a great plan for December. I have to tighten up on my calories too. I try to go on the lower end of my calorie count because I can't be super active, but this month for the first month that I started this I have going to the upper part of my calorie count. I only lost 3 lbs in Nov. So, I am going to have to do the same thing you are doing and shoot for a steady calorie count each day. Thanks for sharing Keep up the good work.

Comment edited on: 12/2/2012 4:18:23 PM

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ADARKARA 12/2/2012 12:32PM

    You're looking fantastic!

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ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 12/2/2012 12:13PM

    You've done a fantastic job and, with a new month, is always a new beginning! emoticon

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EUEK098 12/2/2012 11:17AM

    Great plan, and we do care, because you inspire us to keep pushing. Just make good food choices, and practice volumizing and 1400 calories should be fine. Wow, the top 100, good job!!!! YOU LOOK amazing in your progress picture, and am rooting for you, onederland, here you come!!!

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AMCLELLAN 12/2/2012 10:50AM

    you can do it! 1400 is completely doable!
Accountability helps, trust me. When you put something out there and you think others might be watching (which we sparkers like to follow each other, lol) You tend to do what you promised.
Hope all goes well!!! I'm here for you!

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SONIA260 12/2/2012 8:33AM

    I'm loving the December calorie budget committment!!!! And you hit the nail right on the head, if we budget correctly and make wise decisions with out nutrition, 1400 calories is absolutely enough food for our bodies :) Way to go...you're looking fab! I just know you'll break this plateau and I can't wait to see that onederland pic!!!!!!!!

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BETHIEBOOPS 12/2/2012 5:38AM

    Hooray! I love this idea of sticking to a new calorie budget for December.Just like a budget you have to be careful not to "blow it all" right after pay-day- and this is a GREAT reminder to allocate your nutritional needs carefully. I can't wait to celebrate onederland with you! Since our start weights were so similar and our timeline was so close, I am totally living vicariously through you ;) SO proud of you girl. You are RIGHT THERE!

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GRACEMCC45 12/2/2012 4:08AM

    This is totally doable - you're going to do great!!! I look forward to your updates!

Very important that you are setting action goals rather than result goals for December - result based goals can be far too strict, and in a month like this where temptations abound, being too strict can lead to a horrible roller-coaster of behaviors, so kudos to you for choosing a basic and doable goal!

Comment edited on: 12/2/2012 4:09:40 AM

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LIBELULITA 12/2/2012 4:06AM

    Let me tell you as someone who always puts it out there and is extremely honest with my plans and how I'm doing, accountability is EVERYTHING. The moment I stopped making myself accountable to my Spark friends my weight piled back on. I half heartedly tracked and didn't blog and 57 pounds later I realised that I had to be on here whole heartedly letting everyone know my plans so that I was accountable to people who, even though they don't know me, DO care about weight loss and understand.

Your plan is a great one and if you do stick to 1400 ( apart from Christmas Day?) you should soon see the pounds start to come off again. I usually eat around 1250-1300 a day, 1400-1450 on "hungry" days where I eat more fruit.
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JACOBSBELOVED 12/2/2012 2:45AM

    Yay for accountability! It really does make all the difference when you put it all out there.

I really wish you luck with the 1400 Calorie December! Working in an office during the holidays will already be difficult but then you add in holday parties and family gatherings and stuff, and it's so difficult to even maintain. It sounds like you kinda want a no-nonsense holiday season and I think you'll totally rock this! There will be temptation everywhere but I know you have the self-control to do this!

I can't believe you're only 15 pounds away from Onederland! I know it's obvious and simple math but I didn't really think about it till now! I think you will see a big improvement in December. And just think, in 2013 you'll reach your ultimate goal! You could be in Onederland by Valentine's Day! So exciting!!!

I wish you the best, my friend! I know you got this!

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November Recap, Fit Bit +BLC 20 Blog...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I know November isn't over yet, but I am SO ready for it to be over. emoticon I still have 2 weeks left of my vacation but I am finally home and back to business with no interruptions. I had a fabulous Thanksgiving, I didn't over do it, but the week in Vegas I over did it calorie wise for sure! The amounts of food were pretty bad, but a big improvement from what my old "normal" was. I am still up about 3 pounds from the trip, but the way it is coming back off and my body is adjusting to the my "new normal", I am thinking I'll be back or close to 214 by weigh in for BLC on Wednesday.

Speaking of 214, I have been 214 the entire month of November. emoticon emoticon So as you can see, I have totally mixed emotions about this! On one hand, I sure would have preferred to be LOSING, especially being part of a Biggest Loser Challenge here on Spark. On the flip side, I knew that November was going to be a huge struggle for me, so at the very least I am glad I am not gaining and gaining. So that is where the mixed emotions come in.

I set a goal for BLC 20 to lose 18 pounds over the course of 12 weeks. If I get back to my 214 spot, I will be down 13 pounds this challenge (down from 227) with one week left to go. So while I am not going to make my goal for the challenge, I am trying to be proud of the weight I have lost, but it always gets disappointing when you don't meet a goal.

I definitely want to participate in the BLC 21, because without the support of this challenge, I have a feeling that my month of November would have been a total disaster! But I am going to make it my personal mission to make the BLC 21 a much better round (if I am lucky enough to get to participate again). emoticon

This blog is very BLC oriented, we are supposed to blog about our goals to avoid holiday gain. I have made it through the hardest part. I go into work on Christmas at 9pm which is outstanding because all the potluck/pig out food will be gone and put away so I won't even have to deal with it. So for me, the world is back to normal. I have made it through the tough part and now I am just back to exactly what I know: Tracking everything, and exercising. My exercising has been lacking big time so I am ready to step that up.

I also ordered the Fitbit One and I am super excited. It should be here on Thursday and I am so anxious waiting for it. I mainly plan to use it to track my walking on work days, because my days off are usually work out videos which I would still use my Heart Rate Monitor to track, but I know this Fitbit is going to push me to go farther in my walking at work. For those that have one, which one do you have, and how do you like it? I'd love to hear any input!

Anyways, this blog was pretty much a snoozefest, emoticon, I wasn't in "blog-y mode" but wanted my points for the BLC. *Giggles* emoticon

I love "Friends" and I'm sure we can all relate to that quote at some time in our lives ha ha!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISAN0415 11/28/2012 4:30AM

    You've come a long way, and I know plateaus do stink, but if you keep on working at this, more weight loss is coming.

Please feel free to join Our Spark support Team "Lose weight over the Holidays" we are offering tips, support and strategies to lose weight and still enjoy the Holidays!

Best wishes to you, love the pictures :)

http://www.sparkpeople.co
m/myspark/groups_individual.asp

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GEMINIGEM6 11/26/2012 5:04PM

    Hey girl! Glad to see you back! I'm sure the 3lbs is just sodium anyway so you'll have that off in no time! :)

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PRINCESSAMY 11/26/2012 10:37AM

    emoticon

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KAESEA78 11/26/2012 4:27AM

    I just adore your positive spirit and your stick to it-ness! You are amazing! I am glad you are enjoying your time off. That was pretty smart to schedule your vaca around all the food at work-smarty pants emoticon I honestly believe that now you are back home and can get back in your routine AND have extra time off, you are going to kill the scale between now and Christmas!!!

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HEATHERFREE 11/26/2012 1:41AM

    Ah thank goodness you posted this, No one has really posted anything lately and I was in DESPERATE need of something! I have my weigh in tomorrow and am not looking forward to it, I want to skip it like the last two but I know that is a death sentence lol I need to see where I'm at whether I want to or not. But anywho awesome blog. I am just in awe of how you go to vegas eat a bunch of junk and too much of it and then come home and get right back on it! You are doing so great and DUDE you will be in the 199s SOOOO freakin SOOOOOON! ahh!

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RALWINE 11/25/2012 5:20PM

    Congrats on your progress, and let us know how you like your FitBit

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NIKKICOLE83 11/25/2012 12:55PM

    You are doing great with your progress and remember, you didn't have an overall gain butI know how hard it is to miss a goal. Could you tell me more about BCU? How do you join?

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HBLACK5 11/25/2012 9:58AM

    I have a Fit Bit and I love it! I wish that I had the Fit Bit One that would upload wirelessly. When the one I have is toast, I will upgrade to the new one. I use it to see how many steps I take and I aim to get in at least 10,000 steps 5 out of 7 days, which is usually pretty easy for me. I should probably up my goal and make it 11,000 or 12,000 steps 5 out of 7 days a week, so it gets me moving more.

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LIBELULITA 11/25/2012 9:23AM

    emoticon emoticon

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JACOBSBELOVED 11/25/2012 3:19AM

    Things could have been a lot worse! The holidays are always tough for eating well and I think you did good. Not to mention adding vacation and being away from home is always difficult to make sure you're doing what you should be doing.

I am so glad you have your BLC to help you! It seems like a good tool for you and I hope you get to continue to be a part of it for as long as you feel like you need it. :)

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Vacation All I Ever Wanted...Vacation Had To Get Away...

Wednesday, November 14, 2012



So I am currently at work with 5 hours left, and then I am finally freeeeeeeeee as a bird for the next 24 days!! I get a 2 week annual vacation, (next year I get 3 weeks), and with trading some days I turned that into 24 days. I am pretty excited. emoticon emoticon

I am going to Vegas to visit my Gammie for 6 days. We are going to gamble and eat, but for the first time I am going to really try not to revolve so much of our time around food, and she is totally on board with that. Other than that we will hang out and do puzzles like we do and just have fun. She is like my BFF.


Then I will be bringing her back with me so that she can hang out with the rest of my family and have a fabulous Thanksgiving. I am just genuinely excited not to have to go to work.

In other news, anyone who knows me knows that I have been struggling big time lately. emoticon At one point this week the scale was up 4 lbs emoticon. Through some work I was able to flush that water weight out of my system, *knock on wood* that I don't find it again in the morning. I should be looking to maintain my weight again this week, and I will be so relieved not to have to post a gain for the BLC. I have also had a GREAT two days prior to leaving that I really needed. I have reset my mind and reset my body and I'm ready to move forward.

If any of the emoticon's are reading this, after missing next weeks weigh in due to being out of town, I intend to be posting a weigh in the following week that will be a loss (down from my current 214).

I am fully aware that I am going to be gaining some water weight and what not by eating out in Vegas, I am prepared for it, and I am also prepared to take the pounds right back off when I get back. I have a plan in place for getting on track when I get back, and I have designated one my good buddies to stand by ready to open up a can of whoop a$$ if I don't get right back to it. I can very easily become distracted, and 6 days of eating out and enjoying certain things can send me on a downhill spiral but I am determined not to let that happen. Onederland is calling to me, and I won't give up until I get there. emoticon

To all my Spark Friends, I should be around to give out goodies and stuff for Thanksgiving, but just in case I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving (Well, my US Sparkies that is)! emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_MOBII_ 11/16/2012 2:09PM

    OOOO Vegas! Have a safe and fantastic trip! Have fun with your Gammie too!

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EATVEGAN 11/15/2012 11:37PM

    Your Gammie is a cutey. I know you will have fun with her and then both of you will join the family and just all enjoy each other. Food is just an added attraction. Have a wonderful time. Happy Thanksgiving!

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JACOBSBELOVED 11/15/2012 2:25PM

    Have fun with Gammie!!!!

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PRINCESSAMY 11/15/2012 12:07PM

    emoticon emoticon Enjoy yourself!!!

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DAOCCHICA 11/14/2012 11:13PM

    Awesome!! Hope you two have a wonderful time :D

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HEATHERFREE 11/14/2012 10:29PM

    sounds like youve got a plan set up and I know you are gonna do great!

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GEMINIGEM6 11/14/2012 3:03PM

    That sounds so exciting! And I know how you feel by being excited just to not have to go back to work for 24 days! Yay! Also, I know you're gonna get right back on track. No worries there. You are determined and you have done so great!! Go and enjoy yourself. Have fun! It's a vacay! :)

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JESSICA_STULTZ 11/14/2012 11:50AM

    Enjoy your vacation, grandma, and Thanksgiving! I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving.. I have a few "favorite" holidays.. But I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving because it is not based on giving and receiving gifts.. but on spending time with the ones we love, giving thanks for the things we already have, (and good food! I intend on indulging a little on Thanksgiving because it is really about the only time I get to eat Turkey.. and Turkey is my favorite meat!) Really hoping for you that you can post a LOSS by the time you get back from vacay. Wouldn't that be awesome? I'm looking forward to you hitting Onederland now. Such an amazing feeling seeing a 1 instead of a 2 at the front of the scale. Not only that.. but the huge change in energy and happiness as the weight comes off feels amazing as well! Have I mentioned you are one of my favorite Sparkies? Keep pushing and you are going to hit Onederland before you are aware you got there!
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Comment edited on: 11/14/2012 11:51:40 AM

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STARSUB99 11/14/2012 10:37AM

    Have a fabulous time on vacation!

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SONIA260 11/14/2012 9:18AM

    oh my gosh.....the litty killed me! Also, your grandmother is beatiful, I saw the pic before I read the blog and was thinking it was some photo editing program where you age yourself...you're totally gonna end up looking like her some day :) Super happy to hear that you are prepared for vacay to throw you off a bit, but have a strong plan to get right back on track!!!!!

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TIMELAG 11/14/2012 8:40AM

    I hope you have a fabulous vacation! Enjoy the time with your family and relax! But, try to picture us Sheriffs with you every step of the way- you will automatically make better decisions. I have no doubt you will come back refreshed and ready to kick butt!
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MERRY_XMAS 11/14/2012 7:50AM

    Have a great time!!! Enjoy yourself and relax!

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AELI2468 11/14/2012 7:23AM

    Have a fantastic time Stephanie! if you need the sheriffs to help you out while on vaca (which can be hard), you know where we are!
-Elizabeth

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BETHIEBOOPS 11/14/2012 7:18AM

    Ack! Have a GREAT time- and doing something brave while you're gone. Good Luck on eating well. On a vacation more than ever you have to remember that it's a day by day thing, make the best choices today and leave yesterday and tomorrow to themselves. You get to flex your healthy habits muscles and I just know you'll do well! Can't wait to hear all about it!

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CHICAT63 11/14/2012 4:57AM

    Have a great time with Gammie in Vegas, enjoy yourself:)
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LRSILVER 11/14/2012 4:37AM

    Great! Have fun Stephanie.

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BRENDA_G50 11/14/2012 3:54AM

    Have fun & Enjoy yourself emoticon

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Secretly Afraid Of Success...

Thursday, November 08, 2012

I feel like my blogs lately have been 50/50 lately in terms of "yay me" and "wtf are you doing?!"


I have been a roller coaster of emotions these past couple of weeks. I don't want to dive into those issues, there is some stuff going on with me, but it is certainly nothing I can't handle, it shouldn't be derailing me like it is.

I was able to maintain my weight of 214 this week, which considering some really TERRIBLE food choices this week, I was honestly quite relieved. To be honest, if I wasn't participating in the BLC 20 (shout out to the emoticon Sheriff's), I don't think I would have tried at all this week. In fact, I probably wouldn't even have faced the scale.

I had an over 3,000 calorie day a few days ago. I had accepted it, and I had moved on. I THOUGHT I got to the bottom of the issue and moved forward, but the over 3,000 calories I had today says otherwise! emoticon

I finally figured it out, I am afraid of success! I mean downright terrified.

I have been over 200 pounds since age 18, that I know for sure. I've always been overweight and I've always wanted to be successful in weight loss. Here I am 2 pounds away from 60 pounds lost, and I am still screwing myself over.

I have finally realized I am a huge self saboteur! It sounds so silly to think that something I have wanted for years, and finally seems in my reach could be so scary, but it is.

People are noticing my weight loss, big time. The reason I say this, is because no one at work knows I'm TRYING to lose weight, but yet they call keep commenting. I think it scares me, because if it is that noticeable that I've lost it, it will be that much more noticeable IF I find it. I know, I shouldn't even be toying with such ideas, but when you have done nothing but fail in past attempts, there is still that voice that says "who are you kidding, you'll always be the fat girl!"

I am so close to Onederland, and at first it was super exciting. Don't get me wrong it is still exciting, but it has also put a lot of pressure on me. Obviously, the pressure is all in my mind, but it is really making me feel like I gotta hurry up and get there, and the result has been me dragging my feet.

I have also used my weight as an excuse, an excuse not to go places, not to do things, not to go out on a date, and whenever something went wrong, it had to be because of my weight. "Oh I would have got that job if I wasn't so fat", "oh, that boy would totally be in love with me if I wasn't so fat", etc etc etc. What is going to happen if I can get to 180, or let alone 170. I guess I COULD change it to "that boy would love me if I wasn't so chubby". But I think the cold hard reality is hitting me that I will no longer be able to hide behind all this fat. I will no longer be able to blame my weight and will just have to accept that maybe I wasn't the best candidate for something, or that maybe that boy just doesn't like me and it has nothing to do with my weight, and that my friends is a very scary thought!

So tomorrow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and I move forward. Now that I know what some of these issues are, I will be paying more attention to them and trying to find ways to not be held back by them.

To anyone who read all of this, I heart you and I'm also sorry LOL, because this was very long and poorly constructed because I am just thinking out loud. But even if no one reads this, it was good to get it out there, because I need to be more aware of this, and try harder to find my ways around it. I refuse to give up, and I will keep fighting for my goals and beyond. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TTINGEY01 11/11/2012 2:02AM

    Hi, thanks for sharing and being so painfully honest. I know it is hard. I have been fat for over 15 years and I just don't see myself as the fit, skinny girl. I need to get over this. I've been below 200 twice now in 2 years and I sabotage myself and go right back up. It's like I'm scared to be below 200lbs. I currently weigh 225. Hugs to you and know that you will be better tomorrow. Hang in there!! --- Tonya emoticon

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MERRY_XMAS 11/10/2012 2:48AM

    We have all used our weight as excuse. Many many people are using food as comfort in life and getting out of your comfort zones can be a tricky and difficult thing to do.

When I lost my weight (I was 19 the first time, then I regained it and I lost it now again - I hope for the last time) I was really sad because one of my friends who was always beautiful and thin continued to get all the attention from boys, although I was thin, too. For some hours (yeah, it was only hours, I get to my senses pretty soon) I thought I was a loser (in life, not weight) but then I decided that even if boys don't see me as a love interest, I really liked what I saw in the mirror. So even if nobody thought I was attractive, I thought so, and decided that this was enough. And to be honest, it was... Some weeks after there were so many options that I could actually decide whom I wanted to be with.

So, stay true to yourself and I'm sure you are gonna make it! You deserve it; we all did and we all do because we have fought for every bite we haven't eaten.

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DEBSZOO74 11/9/2012 11:48PM

    Stephanie, I read your whole blog. It was awesome, and so are you! Sometimes just putting your thoughts into words can help, and I hope that's the case for you. I'm glad that BLC20 and being on the Sheriffs is helping you and hope it continues to do so. Stay strong and hang in there! We're here for you!! emoticon

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GEMINIGEM6 11/9/2012 11:08PM

    I swear we're sisters! I could have written this myself! I have done the exact same thing in the past. I got down to 205 at one point last year then it went right back up to 209.....stayed there a min...the ended up steadily going up and up til i gained all of it back except about 3lbs! I think it is scary when all you've known is being overweight and like you said, being able to blame it when things don't go our way. I have thought that to myself more times than I can count. 'Oh he cheated on me cuz I'm fat', 'he couldn't commit cuz I'm fat'..'I shouldn't try out for that job cuz they're just gonna see I'm fat and think I don't care about myself'..blah blah blah. I understand this post SO much b/c it is me!! I pray you will be able to overcome these thoughts and move on toward adventures and exciting things in your life that you DESERVE just because! Not because you're overweight or not overweight. I pray we both can do this. Haven't we put ourselves through enough?? emoticon emoticon

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EATVEGAN 11/9/2012 8:59PM

    I'm so glad you are looking into this situation now. I'm not really facing these issues, but maybe that is because when the fat is gone, I will have my age to hide behind. I hope I won't use that as an excuse not to be all I can be. Thanks for the great blog. You know you hit a sore spot for many. Just look at the length of the comments.

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JESSICA_STULTZ 11/9/2012 11:52AM

    I feel the same way.. In fact.. It seems like every time I feel like I am doing REALLY good. I seem to start self sabotaging. It's like 'Oh I know I shouldn't have this.. but I'm going to anyways.' In fact.. since I am at 200 pounds this week hasn't gone very good eating wise. Thinking about it I think I am just subconsciously self sabotaging myself.. in which I will probably blogging something similar. It's frustrating because I want to succeed.. but I need to figure out how to keep going instead of ruining my success. It's definitely hard to succeed when you have so much going on with the self conscious thing as well. Even though my husband says otherwise.. I feel like he'd love me more if I was thinner/If I was thinner I could do this or that. It sucks. You are doing so well with losing weight.. so I hope today is a better day for you! You deserve this weightloss for yourself. I agree that it is a scary thought of using the weight as something to hide behind as for relationships, etc.. but as the quote on Juno says.. "Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ***. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." Edited the cuss word as I believe SP doesn't like that. I will say.. One of your best attributes (that I see because I don't personally know you) is your perseverance! You push on no matter what obstacles or set backs you have.
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BETHIEBOOPS 11/9/2012 2:57AM

    Ah! What a great blog post! I love your honesty - and I completely get it!

GRACEMCC45's post is almost exactly what I would've said if she hadn't done it first - with the addition of something CS Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind"

It's okay to be terrified about what will happen. It's perfectly normal, even, to worry about who you will be under 200lbs. But the good news is, that you don't have to figure it out today or tomorrow. Thank God that we had our teenage decade to angst about who we were becoming before adulthood, and our 20s to figure out what that all meant. We didn't become who we are in a day or with a good "think"- only by believing that tomorrow will be worth leaving today for.

I have one question for you Steph, What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Go for that thing. If that thing is being 170 pounds, by God, GO FOR IT.

I'm so proud of you for being so in tune with yourself and your body. Now YOU can rise the victor over your body and strive for the goal set before you.


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WEBEZE 11/9/2012 1:52AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon You have expressed very well how a lot of us feel. I have used my weight as a shield for years. It is something I have to face as I continue shrinking.

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DUMBBELLE84 11/9/2012 1:29AM

    I think there's something in the air. You're not alone, my dear.
I have faith that we will overcome this. Big hugs for you!!

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JUSTLIKEALICE 11/8/2012 10:22PM

    Go you. You are very self aware. :)

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IRONBLOSSOM 11/8/2012 9:30PM

    Gosh, please don't apologize for this blog, it's SO incredibly relateable. As others are saying, this is how everyone feels (which I didn't know until I read their comments!) and it's exactly, 100% how I feel. And the exact same reasons. "Oh, that person was rude to me because I'm fat." "Oh, that guy didn't hit on me because I'm fat" (What is really ridiculous about that one is that I have a boyfriend and in one specific instance I'm thinking about the guy KNEW I had a boyfriend yet I blamed him not hitting on me on the fat! WTH!?) "I get paid less because I'm fat, I have less clients because I'm fat, my clothes just look bad because I'm fat."

Oh yeah, I have all those negative scripts too. I've only lost 20 pounds, and I hate to add that "only" onto it but NOBODY's noticed...which gives me the feeling that I should just give up! If nobody notices that I've lost weight, why the heck should I bother!?!?

Because we (I) feel better about myself, to change those negative scripts, to be the person we (I) want to be, to do the things we (I) want to do! Pick one, pick any, pick all!!

Thanks again, I actually feel like there's a little less weight on my chest from reading this.

Have a great weekend!

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JACOBSBELOVED 11/8/2012 6:01PM

    First off, yay for accountablility! I love that your BLC group is making you think about your choices. We can't always do it by ourselves so I'm glad you found something that helps you.

Second, everything you said was so relatable! I haven't gotten as far as you have with my weight loss but I can understand it is difficult to put yourself completely out there. You could always blame your weight when you didn't necessarily get the things you wanted, even if it may be that you weren't the best candidate or you weren't the perfect match for something. On the other hand, it could have been your weight that held you back if you didn't always interview with the most confidence in yourself or if you were ever in a relationship and you felt like you didn't deserve love because you were over weight. Your weight could have mentally messed with you and maybe that's why things didn't work out. You will still need the confidence and you will still need to love yourself, no matter what your weight is.

I think I may have just gotten off on another tangent that you didn't really bring up. Sorry!

But yeah, to simplify it and to make it more relatable to your blog, everything you said makes sense. :)

Third, don't worry about your blog being too long. This writing is therapeutic for you and you don't need to worry about anyone else. :)

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HEATHERFREE 11/8/2012 5:45PM

    Don't apologize for the the blog! I LOVED it and have been patiently waiting for another one. I totally get what you are saying I'm right there, I use my weight as an excuse for EVERYTHING. every problem, every failure, every bad feeling or situation. And you know what Stephanie? I really think the past month or so you have pushed pushed pushed and now your at the last little bit and it is scary but I really think its time to SLOOOOOOOWWW it down. Get back to one day at a time, have some maintaining weeks, because for me personally the winter is the hardest and if your trying to do everything the same as your were it may just pull you back, so my advice is to slow it down and then amp it up again in spring or sooner if your super stable strong minded again for your final goal weight. And I REALLY feel like KAESEA78, i havent lost tons yet and its not a huge difference in pics yet but I am already hating the way my body is looking now, and I know I hated it more before but my mind is saying "oh no NOW you look WAY WORSE with your stomach hanging down lower and lower" This journey is ALL about our minds. We have to rewire EVERYTHING and change our self talk, body image, thought processes when dealing with stress, nervousness, anxiety just everything. ugh its insane. But we are all on the right path and will soon be getting our minds to follow our bodies progress :) You rule! dont feel pressured! If you slow down a bit I wont lie, it'll make me happier so I can catch up again! :) SERIOUSLY!

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GRACEMCC45 11/8/2012 5:24PM

    Of *course* you are scared of success!! Welcome to being successful at weight loss!

The excess weight we carry/carried becomes part of our self-identity. It's more than just physical. We have had to change our attitudes, adapt our personalities to prove that we too can be just as vibrant, attractive, and worthy as those who are normal weight.

Hiding behind the fat becomes parading despite the fat. So what are you gonna do when it's gone? What will protect you from the outward judgment that others *do and will* pass on you?

Those are scary questions!! It's 100% normal and OKAY to be scared, Stephanie.

You are doing fantastic. Focus on your positives. You will still be you when you've gone and shrunk. Still funny, charismatic, realistic and poignant. Still fantastic at your job, a loving granddaughter and a princess. You think Cinderella wasn't peeing in her pants when she got transformed from a maid to the belle of the ball?


*Side story* Where I work, there are some, hmmmm... shady, somewhat inappropriate male clients that at times prey on the younger, more attractive female nurses. I never *ever* had to face the problem of being leered at. The first time it happened in my weight loss, I was scared sh*tless. How did this come to be!?


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PRINCESSAMY 11/8/2012 2:38PM

    THAT WAS emoticon BLOG!!!

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HFAYE81 11/8/2012 10:11AM

    I am EXACTLY like you...every time I drop some weight I freak out in a happy good way but then self sabotage. I'm not "rewarding" myself with food, I just feel uncomfortable mentally. The layer of fat is like a shield. It's an excuse for failure, that way it isn't me that failed, its my fat body. People at work have been commenting on my weight loss too, but it embarrasses me. Why?!?! This whole ordeal is not only hard physically when you push yourself in workouts, but even more hard mentally and emotionally. I'm so glad I'm not alone...neither are you!!! emoticon

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 11/8/2012 10:10AM

    It is very scary to no longer be able to blame your fat for things not going how you hoped. Hope you work through it:) emoticon I hope you won't let the fear keep you from reaching your goals emoticon

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SONIA260 11/8/2012 9:50AM

    You are NOT alone....I struggle with these very feelings every day....we will learn to survive without the fat excuse though, in time :)

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TIMELAG 11/8/2012 9:36AM

    emoticon This is a scary thing we are doing- completely changing our lives. First of all, you are to be celebrated for your achievement so far! But second, you are nearing a major milestone. The fear of what that means can hold you back or it can set you free. Only you can choose which route to take, but we will all be there for you!

I think a lot of us hide behind that shield of fat, and use it as an excuse, like you mentioned. It takes a lot of courage to get rid of that! I have no doubt you can do it!

And, if my little challenge to "race" to ONEderland put any undue pressure on you, I am SO sorry! I did that for purely selfish reasons, just looking for a teammate at about my weight that my ultra-competitive self could "fight" against. I should have thought about the rammifications of that challenge. emoticon

Hang in there!

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SLENDERMAMA1 11/8/2012 9:13AM

    No one likes change but it happens anyway. You can choose how to change or be swept up willynilly by events.

emoticon on losing 60 lbs.

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Comment edited on: 11/8/2012 9:13:50 AM

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PATRICIA4472 11/8/2012 8:42AM

    I read the whole blog, too - and think you have great insight into yourself, and I applaud you. Shine a light on it, and you can deal with it. You go, girl! I'm on another team in BLC20 and it's been a way to keep me accountable, too. So proud of you!! emoticon

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MYHUBBYISMYHERO 11/8/2012 6:57AM

    Stephanie,
I think that you clearly and most elegantly gave words to your thoughts. Change is scary for all the reasons you described and then some. I definitely am my worst enemy. That is a big reason why I stopped eating desserts, candy, etc. I know from decades long of practice that I can't just eat one cookie or one handful of potato chips. Why did I ever think that this time would be different? You can do this my dear.
Sharon

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LRSILVER 11/8/2012 6:54AM

    I read the whole thing, and I think you have great insight into how you are feeling. I think you are being very brave and facing your fears. I know you will be able to conquer this and move forward. But you have to love yourself. You have to do this for you. So you can be healthy, so you can be fit. There will always be challenges in life. You are powerful and will be able to meet them! . I hope you are able to put the overeating behind you and forget what other people think, and love yourself.

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KAESEA78 11/8/2012 6:13AM

    Oh man how I feel you. I think I have actually blogged something similar. I am also so afraid of still hating the way I look when I do get to goal. Like, from all the skin and such. I feel like if I put in all the work and still don't like my body then I will just go right back. Then I will feel even more horrible and so on and so forth...that is a horrible outlook but it is how I feel sometimes. Being fat has ruined my brain, for real. I know it sounds silly, but truly it has reeked havoc.

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