STEPH-KNEE   73,432
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Not In The Mood For Skinny Girl Talk & New Routine

Monday, February 01, 2010

So as I sit at work, there are 3 computer in each "pod" as we call them. I am sitting with two girls, who I really enjoy. I even went to Vegas with one of them. Neither of them have weight issues, although one is pregnant. So the one I went to Vegas with is looking through party photos of some people on Facebook and she said that the one guy really needed to lose some weight. Now I wasn't involved in this conversation, and I never even acknowledged it or turned to look. Then she said something about 'it's the weight, it just makes people look... not cute'. Now I still never said anything or even let on that I was listening... but I do know the other girl must have pointed to me or made some sort of gesture... because even though she didn't respond... the girl who made the original comment quickly said 'well it's not even that he's big, it's just something about him is off, and he has a big head lol' and made a joke about it. Again, I never even acknowledged, but I am just sick of hearing people's comments. It goes both ways though, I don't want them to have to censor themselves around me for fear of hurting my feelings, but I also get sick of hearing about stuff like that. So oh well, it is what it is. Just makes me want to lose this weight THAT much more. Although I went to Vegas with her, she is one of those people that would NOT hang out with me if I were skinny... because she wouldn't like the possibility of competition... it's funny how you can just tell how people are. She already doesn't like the fact that i'm like 11 years younger then her, god forbid I lose this weight, she won't want to be seen with me in public ha ha!

The other thing is, I work 12 hours a day. So between the 2 hour commute, and needing time to get ready in the morning, and sleep.. my days are pretty packed when I work. When I'm off I have NO problem exercising. I have tried waking up early to exercise, that hasn't worked. Especially working the dreaded graveyard shift, my sleeping habits have enough trouble as it is. Well yesterday when I got home, I exercised. I felt great, so I am hoping I can make it a regular routine to exercise when I get home from work.

The crankier I get with people and in general, the more I want to lose this weight. So maybe it's a blessing in disguise;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAZZYM150 2/1/2010 11:08AM

    As my sister would say "I would rather be fat than ugly in the mouth"

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CARLA393 2/1/2010 10:23AM

    Oh my goodness, you have it rough! It was so much easier for me to create a solid workout foundation because I'm not working. Eventually when I find a job I will be able to incorporate it into my day because of everything I have learned. It is SO hard when your schedule is THAT busy during the week. It was like that when I was in college, and that's why I failed every time I tried to lose weight. I didn't have the strength or discipline it takes. I admire you so much more because of that! It's such a big hurdle and you're doing so well to move forward!

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:45AM

    LOL, you are awful, but I love it;) But you are right, everyone is self concious about something. And for her it is totally her age.. she even tells guys she's dating she's in her late 20's, um ur 35, ur not even early thirties. ay yi yi.

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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/1/2010 5:40AM

    lol it is SOO mean but sometimes I will do it. I know what they're self concious of and make a mental note to crack on it later. I'm awful! haha

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 5:37AM

    LOL *heart* ya girlie xoxo

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WEIGHTING4BABY 2/1/2010 5:30AM

    i would make a comment about how gross people are when they are her age..haha j/k

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STEPH-KNEE 2/1/2010 1:30AM

    Aw thanks, I'm just cranky today LOL. In reality, I want to lose this weight just so I can feel good about myself, there will always be someone who thinks I'm fat, and I could careless about that. I'm just in a mood today;)

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BRAYDRAY 2/1/2010 12:55AM

    well, first off don't listen to others and you need to lose the weight for you not for her...:) Just try your best to stay positive and treat yourself well.

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I don't know why I drag my feet...

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I fall off the wagon, but I hop back on. It just seems like I'm dragging my feet at this point, and I don't know why lol. I've lost about 18-19 pounds, but I had already lost 15 probably by the beginning of December. I gained some back, lost it again. It just seems like I'm staying afloat. I don't mind a slow, steady weight loss at all... but it seems I am just majorly dragging my feet. I will exercise 3-4 times in a week, and maybe only exercise once the next. I guess I need to find some motivation, I just don't know where to look;) I am glad that I have spark people and some amazing people to talk to, I honestly believe without this site I would have already thrown in the towel and gained back the pounds I have lost. I don't plan to leave this site, or the friends I've made, so that just means I have to keep on trucking with the weight loss;) That is how I trick myself into not quiting.

I think what drives me the most crazy is I know how to lose weight. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Yesterday after I exercised I felt so great... I'm trying not to focus so much on the pounds lost (I am/was obsessed with the scale) and focus on how I FEEL. When I eat terribly and don't exercise, I feel just so icky. But when I'm eating well and exercising I just feel better in general. So I don't know why I continue to go down this journey kicking and screaming... but I will just keep moving forward:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WEIGHTING4BABY 1/30/2010 6:07PM

    Only you can do it!

If you continue to do what you ALWAYS do, then you'll always have what you have now.

My grandma used to say that to me! One day at a time...slowly. How about I challenge you to lose 4 lbs before Feb 14th! :)

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CARLA393 1/30/2010 11:21AM

    You wrote exactly how I felt during my down week. I ate poorly, and in return, I felt horrible about myself and didn't want to go to the gym. I was so upset with myself, beating myself up, that I was letting it all happen. I finally got back into regular exercise, which was good, but when I still snacked I still was down about it. It wasn't until I kicked my butt and told myself that I am MISERABLE beating myself up like that that I got back into action. I feel 100 times better when I'm eating right and exercising, because my body has the nutrients it needs to produce the energy I need. Plus, exercising releases endorphins which make us happy! The day I got back on track I felt so good about myself for doing it, that the next day was easy to follow, and finally I stopped my bad habits.

It's not going to be the only time I'm going to have to dig deep to pull myself out of a slump, but what really helps keep me going, is reminding myself of how great I feel about myself when I exercise right and eat right. When I remember that, it gets a little bit easier to deny myself bad treats or convince myself to go to the gym. I'm so glad you're sticking with SP! And I'm so glad we found each other. Your support means a lot to me, and I know that you can defeat this hurdle and get back on track. I'm so proud of you for continuing to lose since December. Remember that, it's a big deal, imagine how you'd feel if you had GAINED that weight. Small bits at a time moves you in the right direction.

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Being dragged behind the wagon...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I am the most inconsistent person over the past two weeks. Everything from my eating to my exercising. One day I'm perfect, the next I'm eating junk. I also have come to realize that I am one of those people who is OBSESSED with the scale, and it was really messing with my motivation. I am one of those people who wakes up everyday and gets on the scale, and if it doesn't say what I want, I get discouraged. Logically I know that's ridiculous, and I only 'count' it once a week... but it is really messing with my mind. So I think I am going to put the scale up in the closet for about 2 weeks. I want to exercise CONSISTENTLY and stay in my calories CONSISTENTLY for 2 weeks and then get on the scale and see what I've done. I need to do something quick, because although I haven't FULLY stumbled back into my old habits, I see bits and pieces of them popping back up, and I don't like that.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 1/21/2010 11:52AM

    I am also one of those obsessed scale people. I get on it every day. It's just sitting there in the bathroom, so I'll step on a few times a day when I'm in there. I guess it's not very healthy to do that, but I don't really trust what it says. When I do everything right sometimes it doesn't move for 5 days. It's just a guideline I like to watch over it. It doesn't determine how I eat, so I guess I'm lucky. I've read so much stuff that talks about weight loss doesn't happen the day you do things, it happens over a period of days and weeks. So in those 5 days doing everything right, I could have burned enough calories to lose 2 pounds, but I don't actually see the drop until later. Week to week is a better guideline, and month to month is even better. I agree that putting the scale away if it's hurting you is a good idea. Don't keep things around that sabotage your progress! Keep it up girlie, I'm here rooting for you.

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KNICKGIRL 1/21/2010 8:48AM

    emoticon I know what you mean about the scale. I let it determine if I'm going to have a good day or bad day. This is why I force myself to only weigh in on Mondays. Great idea to put the scale away for a couple of weeks. That should help you get back on track! .. emoticon

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NWLIFESRC 1/21/2010 8:38AM

    Try to stay positive and do what feels right. There is no right or wrong way for this journey just your way. Keep the faith and be honest with yourself.

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New shoes, new dvd, new attitude!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

So I really wanted those Shape Up shoes, but there was no way I was going to pay 100 bucks for them. Well my mom had 30 percent off at Kohl's, so they ended up being 70. I got ones that are just like black work shoes, so I can also wear them to work. I am a dispatcher and sit at a desk (12 hour shifts), but we have 2 - 30 minute breaks and 2 - 15 minute breaks, and I do enjoy walking around the building. Where we work it is very safe/secure and gated off, so no one is up there except the people that work there. They were very comfortable, and I can't wait to get moving in them.

I got the Walk Away The Pounds dvds, 1, 2, and 3 mile walks. I did the 1 mile yesterday, and it felt great to get moving. My knees didn't hurt at all after doing them, so I'm very excited about incorporating this into my daily routine, and working my way up to the 3 mile walk.

It's amazing how these two simple things have gotten me EXCITED about exercising. Now if I only can only find something that gets me excited about eating healthy;) LOL.

I also realized today I am so sick of saying "I've lost 15 pounds" (I saw my parents, and my mom asked). I can't wait til I can say I've lost 20... 25... and so on:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISTLOADRUN 1/15/2010 9:57AM

    Those Leslie Sansone DVDs are wonderful - I truly believe I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have so far without them to kick start my exercise

Keep at it - you're doing great!

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ABRANNEWME2014 1/15/2010 2:36AM

    I hope you enjoy your new shoes...I have a pair of MBT's the original shape up and you're right the price can get up caught a nice sale.....I also love Leslie I run a team for walking away those lbs...she is great and so easy to do


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STEPH-KNEE 1/14/2010 11:08PM

    I know what you mean... the only people that know are my parents, and my grandma. A couple people have asked if I've lost wait and I just say 'oh maybe a couple pounds.' Because I have *so much* to lose, saying like 15 doesn't seem significant at all. I also can't stand people at my work knowing I am trying to lose weight, because it'll turn into a big thing, and they will tell me 'oh a burger won't kill you' or they'll turn into the food police. I think I am just getting sick of the number 15, because I've been at it so long, and I am disappointed I haven't been giving this my *all* recently :(

That is an awesome way to look at working out, I am gonna try and change my thoughts and say "I get to workout today" :) I feel so much better after I exercise, I just get lazy sometimes. I need to stop being lazy;)

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CARLA393 1/14/2010 10:58PM

    I haven't really told people how much weight I've lost. I mean, I tell my family whenever I have my weekly weigh ins, and my aunt knows too. But it's a bit awkward because I have 210 pounds to lose, and if I say, oh I've lost a little over 30 pounds to someone, they kinda look at me and think, really? lol.. or at least that's what I imagine them doing. I can gain 50 pounds and still fit in the same clothes. So I'm thinking when I lose 50 pounds it's not going to be much different. I think once I lose 100 then it will be noticeable. I'm so glad you're excited about working out! I am always excited to work out, lol. I love the gym. I read somewhere that you should think about it as a privilege. So instead of telling yourself man I have to workout today, you tell yourself, I get to workout today! It's more positive, and I find if I tell myself that I'm lucky to workout, I know I really believe it. Because I absolutely hate those days when I'm snowed in or unable to go to the gym, and I really do miss it!

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I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...

But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.

I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.

It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.

But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.

I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPH-KNEE 1/13/2010 6:50AM

    Thanks everyone for the comments:)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/13/2010 5:39AM

    Same here. Never been skinny. No idea what it will be like. I'm the opposite though. I have no friends and no one really likes to be around me. Also a direct correlation to weight I'm assuming.
One day at a time!

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CERBERUS_ARSTD 1/13/2010 1:43AM

    We all have our defense mechanisms. I understand your frustration and hope you can be at peace with yourself.

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CARLA393 1/13/2010 1:30AM

    Yep, I feel the same way. I don't know what I will look like when I lose weight. I don't know what it's like to be normal. But I do know that I hide behind my weight also. I've stopped participating in things because I know I can't fit places, or keep up with people. It's sad really because I'm the kind of person who's up for anything. And I HATE when I have to turn down an opportunity because of my weight. So I can't wait until I get the weight off and I can do things that I've always wanted to do but couldn't. I used to always use being overweight as a crutch too. But I don't need it. I NEED to be healthy. I need to be physically and emotionally healthy. Pretending it's okay to be overweight is not okay, and I'm through telling myself that! You're right that it's going to take work to change how we perceive ourselves. I'm still working on that one. Definitely stay positive, I find that it's really helpful.

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    I wish you the best of luck in reaching all of your goals.

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