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I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...

But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.

I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.

It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.

But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.

I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPH-KNEE 1/13/2010 6:50AM

    Thanks everyone for the comments:)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/13/2010 5:39AM

    Same here. Never been skinny. No idea what it will be like. I'm the opposite though. I have no friends and no one really likes to be around me. Also a direct correlation to weight I'm assuming.
One day at a time!

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CERBERUS_ARSTD 1/13/2010 1:43AM

    We all have our defense mechanisms. I understand your frustration and hope you can be at peace with yourself.

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CARLA393 1/13/2010 1:30AM

    Yep, I feel the same way. I don't know what I will look like when I lose weight. I don't know what it's like to be normal. But I do know that I hide behind my weight also. I've stopped participating in things because I know I can't fit places, or keep up with people. It's sad really because I'm the kind of person who's up for anything. And I HATE when I have to turn down an opportunity because of my weight. So I can't wait until I get the weight off and I can do things that I've always wanted to do but couldn't. I used to always use being overweight as a crutch too. But I don't need it. I NEED to be healthy. I need to be physically and emotionally healthy. Pretending it's okay to be overweight is not okay, and I'm through telling myself that! You're right that it's going to take work to change how we perceive ourselves. I'm still working on that one. Definitely stay positive, I find that it's really helpful.

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    I wish you the best of luck in reaching all of your goals.

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256 and running with it!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

I know 256 is by no means any great number... but it is the lowest I have been in at least 6 months. I hovered around 270 for a very long time. When I first hopped on the wagon, I got down to about 256.8. Then I got lazy, and managed to get back up to aboug 262. Well I have been slowly trying to get myself back on the wagon, and today I weighed in at 256. I am taking that and running with it! I am headed to the grocery store in a little while so that I can get some healthy food for the coming week. I will also be exercising for the first time in probably a week and a half. I am not going to let it slip away again. The fire has been lit under my rear again, and I'm ready see a number that starts 24_ instead of 25_!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMILIEP3 1/8/2010 5:35AM

    Thats great! Just wondering if you have some spare matches. Cause I need a fire lit under me as well :)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/7/2010 5:25AM

    Yes! I love it!!:) Seeing a drop on the scale is a huge kick in the rear! woohooo. Let me know if I can help with anything

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CARLA393 1/6/2010 10:59PM

    That is so awesome! Congratulations! Run with it girl, as fast as you can. 330 is my first hurdle. The past 3 years I haven't been able to get below that number it seems. And I hope when I pass it that I never see it again. I have 9 pounds to lose to get under there, and I'm hoping to do that by the end of Jan! I would kill to be 256 lol. That is going to take me a long time to get to. Keep up the good work :)

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Walk Away The Pounds Anyone?

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

I've seen that a lot lately, I was just wondering how you guys are liking that. I was thinking about trying those. I recently bought 2 "Prevention" dvds, they were dancing ones... I've only done 1, and I really enjoy it... but the walk away the pounds has sparked my interest. I am looking into getting the set with the 1, 2 and 3 mile walk. I think it would be fun to see the progress and that would keep me motivated to continue to do it:) I also wondered how many pounds the weights they use are? I have several sizes, and I even have ones that wrap around my wrists, so I'm hoping I can stick with those.

I exercised nearly everyday for two weeks, and then just stopped. I don't know why I do what I do... I was losing, I felt better... I kept getting better at my exercise dvd, and for no apparent reason I just stopped. I am not going to give up this battle, I want to lose this weight more then just about anything in this world, so I know I can do this:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DLHELGE 11/18/2013 10:11AM

  You go girl!!

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CARLA393 1/6/2010 11:13AM

    I've never done the WATP videos, but I have never heard anything bad about them. Anyone I know who's done them are always raving about it. I have workout tapes for the days I can't leave due to weather, but I prefer to go to the gym. I like to be out of my house, and in a different environment when I'm working out. My house is where all bad habits started. I used to have a REALLY basic Tae Bo video tape (yes a tape) years ago. It was in high school and I dropped about 30 pounds on it. Then got sick... And stopped. It was a lot of fun though. I hope you enjoy the WATP videos! Keep with it girl, you can do it :)

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STEPH-KNEE 1/6/2010 6:06AM

    I'm so with ya girl. It's like my body isn't built to be moving like that ha ha, maybe one day... so I really think this walking thing is gonna be great:)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/6/2010 5:51AM

    I used to be able to "dance" but now I'm throwing all this weight around it is like I have no coordination. lol. That's why I stuck to walking! haha

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STEPH-KNEE 1/6/2010 5:44AM

    Thanks so much!:) I went ahead and ordered them, I saw a clip of it on you tube, and it does look fun. And like you said, they aren't these really complicated and tricky moves:) I am coordinated when it comes to that stuff, but between the arthritis in my knee, and my size, I can't always do all those crazy moves ha ha. Maybe when I'm skinny;)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/6/2010 5:28AM

I have used Walk Away The Pounds. I recommend it to people who aren't able to do those super tricky dance workouts. I actually LOVE WATP but... I used them so much I had them memorized. In one video I had she used 2 pound weights. I wouldn't get them much heavier because 2 pounds gets REALLLY heavy after a while! lol

Anyway, Before you know it you've walked 3 miles. They're fun!

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Fast Food Junkie

Sunday, January 03, 2010

One of my biggest problems with losing weight is me constantly eating fast food. While living with my parents we ate fast food constantly. Now that I am living on my own, I have been doing much better. However, there is that part of me that is so used to eating fast food, that I crave it. I eventually want to get to where I can have fast food maybe once or twice a month. I want it to be a rare treat as opposed to a daily occurence. I find myself slowly slipping back into old habits. One of the worst things, is everyday I work, they go on a "chow run". I had been good for a while, not ordering anything, but lately I've been slipping. So my new "mini challenge" for myself is starting now, not to have fast food at all for the rest of this month. I think eventually I will get to the point where I can have it once in a while without it effecting me, but right now it's better for me just not to deal with it at all. My birthday is the first week of February, and I'm sure I will go out to dinner once or twice to celebrate.

I know this may sound really silly, but I really feel that this is one of the *main* factors in my weight problem.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 1/4/2010 11:06PM

    Keep up the good work. Tomorrow you won't care about that food you didn't have today! And you'll be glad that you didn't waste the calories on it. My parents ordered out 3-4x a week, and I still live with them. Thankfully I have been able to influence dinners into healthier options. We hardly ever order out anymore. It gets easier, just keep holding on and think about all the progress you're making!

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WEIGHTING4BABY 1/3/2010 6:40PM

    We do that at work a lot too and I always suggest a healthier place. I can't look up calories at the local pizza place..but I can domino's so i will suggest pizza from there instead so I will check their site to see what I'm eating. I try to suggest subway whenever possible.. But mostly I just pack my lunch. It gets easier. emoticon

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BIZZYNAT237 1/3/2010 12:19AM

    What gets me away from fast food is thinking about allll the calories and fat and all that other bad stuff in it. Maybe try using just so you can be reminded of the crap thats in it.
Good luck on your challenge! You can do it girl!

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Such A Wake Up Call

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I've been pretty frustrated with myself... lost 15 pounds, gained back five.. I'm just now hopping back on the wagon. I am back to exercising, and I hope to push forward.

I'm kind of conflicted on how I see myself. What is funny is I *always* feel huge and uncomfortable, so I am in no denial that I am "small", so my image isn't skewed in that way. But I did realize that I think my face (I know we all hate the pretty face thing LOL) still looks like I do in my old facebook photos. I love those "myspace style" photos that hide my weight, so obviously those are on my page... but I've never thought I looked like *that*. But even at that, I have some *regular* pictures where I think I look pretty good. But I have finally realized I am not the same person as in those photos, at any angle LOL. I am nearly 50 pounds heavier then in those photos, and I don't even recognize myself anymore. One of the ladies on here had a BLOG about this as well, and it just really kicked in that I felt the same way. The saddest part is, at 205, I felt so disgusting. And while 205 is certainly nothing to be *proud* of, I now sit here at 258ish, and WISH that I could go back to the time where I was 205. I never thought I'd feel that way. I guess I am just disappointed in how out of hand I have let this get. I also can't believe that even though I have always *felt* that I was big, I lost touch of just how big I had actually gotten. It seems funny to think that I think about how much my weight bothers me every single day, yet I let so many days pass without doing anything about it.

I am officially back on the wagon, and I'm holding on for dear life. I can't afford for that wagon to leave me behind, or I know I will wake up one day over 300 pounds, and feeling more helpless then ever.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VERO24AVALOS 11/13/2013 4:50PM

    It's like you were inside my head. This has been happening to me the last couple of weeks. You've lit the light bulb in my head. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting!!! YOU CAN DO IT! emoticon emoticon

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TEDDYTEDDY 1/10/2010 7:33AM

    I was 280 and over 1-1/2 years I lost 100 lbs. Unfortunately for me, I have regained half of that 100 lbs and I am trying not to beat myself up about it but just get back on the wagon and be active and track my food intake. This past year I gained 25 lb or so and I really don't want to be back at 280 again as I was barely able to walk and had constant pain.

My weight chart is a total zigzag and sodium retention is a problem for me and every time I eat in a restaurant (like yesterday) I register a water weight gain. I know this will happen and I should just stay away from restaurants but my husband was homebound for 2 weeks and I had to take him out. Next time I will only eat sodium free food. (He never notices what I am eating anyhow.)

I hope you can stay on the wagon. My plan for today is to start reading "The Spark" which I preordered back in late 2009.

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TA2DIRISHLASS 12/30/2009 11:13AM

    I feel your pain, I lost 12 pounds and put back on about 5. It's so easy to see some success and think, oh, well, I can slack a bit, and it's quick to remind you that no, no you can't! I remember feeling gross back at 180 pounds, and now I look at me and wonder "What happened?" It's a sad, sad day when the angles don't work anymore!!!!

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CARLA393 12/30/2009 10:25AM

    I know exactly how you feel! Ever since I was a kid I've had a warped sense of how much I really weigh. I've gotten so upset at myself for letting myself get as far as I have. I've always known I was fat, I mean, how could I not, no one would let me forget it. I felt like when I was barely over 200 pounds that I was hopeless and would never be "normal". Now I'm over 300 pounds and kicking myself for all those years.

Honestly, what really motivated me is the rate at which I am putting on weight. It averages over 20 pounds a year. And I had calculated it at that rate to put me over 550 pounds by the age of 30 if I kept it up. Now THAT is scary. That is why I will never go back. If 300 pounds wasn't a wake up call, that certainly is. I can barely function now as it is, how awful would I feel at that weight?

I'm glad to see you're back! You're keeping me and Miranda in check! I think we are all so very alike, and since we're close in age we can relate to one another well. I hope you stick around, and don't let that 5 pound gain bother you. Hey girl, I gained half a pound last week and I'm not running away! We have to do this for ourselves! And we're definitely here cheering you on no matter what :)

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WEIGHTING4BABY 12/30/2009 7:24AM

    GIRL! I was wondering where you were!!! I feel like you are in my brain! now dont let me down! I am working toward a REAL new picture i will be comfortable posting on facebook. I have NEVER posted a full body shot on facebook. one day I will..

Hang on!!

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CLAYSGAL 12/30/2009 5:12AM

    I'm with ya girl, I have went from 275 to 229, but I have been stuck there for about 2 an a half months, the only thing keeping me hanging on by my fingernails is how close to 300 I was, an how sooooooo easy it would be to fall off an then wake up at 300. I wont let go if you dont.

Comment edited on: 12/30/2009 5:13:34 AM

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