Saturday, January 30, 2010
I fall off the wagon, but I hop back on. It just seems like I'm dragging my feet at this point, and I don't know why lol. I've lost about 18-19 pounds, but I had already lost 15 probably by the beginning of December. I gained some back, lost it again. It just seems like I'm staying afloat. I don't mind a slow, steady weight loss at all... but it seems I am just majorly dragging my feet. I will exercise 3-4 times in a week, and maybe only exercise once the next. I guess I need to find some motivation, I just don't know where to look;) I am glad that I have spark people and some amazing people to talk to, I honestly believe without this site I would have already thrown in the towel and gained back the pounds I have lost. I don't plan to leave this site, or the friends I've made, so that just means I have to keep on trucking with the weight loss;) That is how I trick myself into not quiting.
I think what drives me the most crazy is I know how to lose weight. I know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Yesterday after I exercised I felt so great... I'm trying not to focus so much on the pounds lost (I am/was obsessed with the scale) and focus on how I FEEL. When I eat terribly and don't exercise, I feel just so icky. But when I'm eating well and exercising I just feel better in general. So I don't know why I continue to go down this journey kicking and screaming... but I will just keep moving forward:)
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I am the most inconsistent person over the past two weeks. Everything from my eating to my exercising. One day I'm perfect, the next I'm eating junk. I also have come to realize that I am one of those people who is OBSESSED with the scale, and it was really messing with my motivation. I am one of those people who wakes up everyday and gets on the scale, and if it doesn't say what I want, I get discouraged. Logically I know that's ridiculous, and I only 'count' it once a week... but it is really messing with my mind. So I think I am going to put the scale up in the closet for about 2 weeks. I want to exercise CONSISTENTLY and stay in my calories CONSISTENTLY for 2 weeks and then get on the scale and see what I've done. I need to do something quick, because although I haven't FULLY stumbled back into my old habits, I see bits and pieces of them popping back up, and I don't like that.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
So I really wanted those Shape Up shoes, but there was no way I was going to pay 100 bucks for them. Well my mom had 30 percent off at Kohl's, so they ended up being 70. I got ones that are just like black work shoes, so I can also wear them to work. I am a dispatcher and sit at a desk (12 hour shifts), but we have 2 - 30 minute breaks and 2 - 15 minute breaks, and I do enjoy walking around the building. Where we work it is very safe/secure and gated off, so no one is up there except the people that work there. They were very comfortable, and I can't wait to get moving in them.
I got the Walk Away The Pounds dvds, 1, 2, and 3 mile walks. I did the 1 mile yesterday, and it felt great to get moving. My knees didn't hurt at all after doing them, so I'm very excited about incorporating this into my daily routine, and working my way up to the 3 mile walk.
It's amazing how these two simple things have gotten me EXCITED about exercising. Now if I only can only find something that gets me excited about eating healthy;) LOL.
I also realized today I am so sick of saying "I've lost 15 pounds" (I saw my parents, and my mom asked). I can't wait til I can say I've lost 20... 25... and so on:)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...
But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.
I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.
It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.
But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.
I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I know 256 is by no means any great number... but it is the lowest I have been in at least 6 months. I hovered around 270 for a very long time. When I first hopped on the wagon, I got down to about 256.8. Then I got lazy, and managed to get back up to aboug 262. Well I have been slowly trying to get myself back on the wagon, and today I weighed in at 256. I am taking that and running with it! I am headed to the grocery store in a little while so that I can get some healthy food for the coming week. I will also be exercising for the first time in probably a week and a half. I am not going to let it slip away again. The fire has been lit under my rear again, and I'm ready see a number that starts 24_ instead of 25_!
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