Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I have tried to lose weight many times before... each time I always have some form of success. Whether that is 5 pounds or 40 pounds before I throw in the towel, I do have initial success. I read a BLOG on here it was talking about being afraid to be thin. I thought that was an interesting thought, but didn't think it pertained to me...
But I started thinking, I have ALWAYS been the fat girl. I am the funny, sweet, super dooper nice fat girl. The one that everyone turns to when they are need help, advice, comfort, or someone to just hang out with and have a good time. Why do they always turn to me? Because I essentially don't have a life of my own.. and why don't I have a life of my own? Simple. I'm fat. I take myself out of situations where I don't think I'll feel comfortable because I am self concious of my weight.
I don't know how to be anything else. This is all I've known my entire life. I love to make excuses, only to myself, and never out loud. 'He would have totally wanted to date me if I wasn't fat', 'It would be fun to go to that club with my friends, but I don't want to be the fattest person there'. I am sitting here thinking, that if I lose this weight and get medium (I know I will never be skinny skinny, I just want to be medium) I will have nothing to hide behind. As much as I hate this fat that is on my body, I apparently don't mind hiding behind it. Heaven forbid I actually have to admit 'that guy just doesn't like *me*' because I can't use my weight as an excuse.
It never occured to me that I was truly hiding behind this weight and using it as a crutch in so many ways. I obviously have a lot of psychological/emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to that. I honestly can see where I sabotage myself. I don't know how to be "medium" and I don't like the unknown.
But I need to get real about ALL of this, and start working on it. It is not simply the weight I have to worry about. I want to learn how to be happy with myself (regardless of weight), I want to start living life, and I will LEARN how to be medium. I will be the same person, just a lot lighter. I can still be funny, sweet, and a good friend in a smaller body. I need to get excited about the changes I am making instead of dragging my feet and taking steps backwards into old habits.
I just never realized what I was doing to myself until now. What an eye opener.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I know 256 is by no means any great number... but it is the lowest I have been in at least 6 months. I hovered around 270 for a very long time. When I first hopped on the wagon, I got down to about 256.8. Then I got lazy, and managed to get back up to aboug 262. Well I have been slowly trying to get myself back on the wagon, and today I weighed in at 256. I am taking that and running with it! I am headed to the grocery store in a little while so that I can get some healthy food for the coming week. I will also be exercising for the first time in probably a week and a half. I am not going to let it slip away again. The fire has been lit under my rear again, and I'm ready see a number that starts 24_ instead of 25_!
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
I've seen that a lot lately, I was just wondering how you guys are liking that. I was thinking about trying those. I recently bought 2 "Prevention" dvds, they were dancing ones... I've only done 1, and I really enjoy it... but the walk away the pounds has sparked my interest. I am looking into getting the set with the 1, 2 and 3 mile walk. I think it would be fun to see the progress and that would keep me motivated to continue to do it:) I also wondered how many pounds the weights they use are? I have several sizes, and I even have ones that wrap around my wrists, so I'm hoping I can stick with those.
I exercised nearly everyday for two weeks, and then just stopped. I don't know why I do what I do... I was losing, I felt better... I kept getting better at my exercise dvd, and for no apparent reason I just stopped. I am not going to give up this battle, I want to lose this weight more then just about anything in this world, so I know I can do this:)
Sunday, January 03, 2010
One of my biggest problems with losing weight is me constantly eating fast food. While living with my parents we ate fast food constantly. Now that I am living on my own, I have been doing much better. However, there is that part of me that is so used to eating fast food, that I crave it. I eventually want to get to where I can have fast food maybe once or twice a month. I want it to be a rare treat as opposed to a daily occurence. I find myself slowly slipping back into old habits. One of the worst things, is everyday I work, they go on a "chow run". I had been good for a while, not ordering anything, but lately I've been slipping. So my new "mini challenge" for myself is starting now, not to have fast food at all for the rest of this month. I think eventually I will get to the point where I can have it once in a while without it effecting me, but right now it's better for me just not to deal with it at all. My birthday is the first week of February, and I'm sure I will go out to dinner once or twice to celebrate.
I know this may sound really silly, but I really feel that this is one of the *main* factors in my weight problem.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've been pretty frustrated with myself... lost 15 pounds, gained back five.. I'm just now hopping back on the wagon. I am back to exercising, and I hope to push forward.
I'm kind of conflicted on how I see myself. What is funny is I *always* feel huge and uncomfortable, so I am in no denial that I am "small", so my image isn't skewed in that way. But I did realize that I think my face (I know we all hate the pretty face thing LOL) still looks like I do in my old facebook photos. I love those "myspace style" photos that hide my weight, so obviously those are on my page... but I've never thought I looked like *that*. But even at that, I have some *regular* pictures where I think I look pretty good. But I have finally realized I am not the same person as in those photos, at any angle LOL. I am nearly 50 pounds heavier then in those photos, and I don't even recognize myself anymore. One of the ladies on here had a BLOG about this as well, and it just really kicked in that I felt the same way. The saddest part is, at 205, I felt so disgusting. And while 205 is certainly nothing to be *proud* of, I now sit here at 258ish, and WISH that I could go back to the time where I was 205. I never thought I'd feel that way. I guess I am just disappointed in how out of hand I have let this get. I also can't believe that even though I have always *felt* that I was big, I lost touch of just how big I had actually gotten. It seems funny to think that I think about how much my weight bothers me every single day, yet I let so many days pass without doing anything about it.
I am officially back on the wagon, and I'm holding on for dear life. I can't afford for that wagon to leave me behind, or I know I will wake up one day over 300 pounds, and feeling more helpless then ever.
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