Tuesday, August 14, 2012
So anyone who knows me knows that I work with a supremely nasty group of women. I go to great lengths to hide what I eat from them because it is the only way to survive here. If they know, not only will they food police you ("can you have that?"), they will not only try to feed you, but then if you give in an eat a cookie they will laugh about it for a week.
I love my job, I don't love the people but I love my job and it is my career, and I won't let a bunch of weenies ruin that for me.
So my cover has KIND OF been blown, the one guy saw me on spark counting calories, so I was pretty much toast. But I made it a point to tell him I wasn't on a diet and I eat whatever I want (because it's true).
So there is one girl at work, let's just call her Miss America, and I can not stand her. In fact she makes fun of me because she thinks I'm weird, well I assure you I'm not weird, I actually act weird and quiet because I don't want these people to talk to me. I'm not an idiot. ;) This sums it up perfectly:
Anyways, I play up my "weirdness" so that people don't even say hi to me. Yes, I work in a place where it's not uncommon for people to not address each other, crazy huh? It's like the Twilight Zone.
Anyways, Miss America saw me eating Easy Mac and a Tyson chicken patty. I would never proclaim these foods to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But a "typical" work day for me consisted of TWO fast food meals during a 12 hours shift, Burger King on the way to work, and then whatever they ordered for dinner. So if easy mac and a chicken nugget (all tracked btw) keep me away from fast food, then I would say I'm doing pretty good. She gave me a look, but we don't speak so that was that. Or so I thought.
HOURS later I hear her talking to the guy that caught me tracking calories months back and she says "there's one cookie left". Mind you he is on super strict diet, because he is dating the super strict diet chick from blogs past. He says he can't have that, but then all loud she said "what's healthier, the cookie or easy mac?" I'm no idiot, that's no coincidence, and he responded neither. I almost chimed in but I didn't want them to have the satisfaction that I even paid attention to what was said.
I will LOVE the day that someone asks me if I'm on a diet or asks if I should be eating that, because I'm so prepared. The best part is, I am playing this up. I let them see me eat the easy mac, or my lean pockets. But I cover up salad, or veggies so no one sees them. And you know what, when I get to 180 and people are asking me how I lost weight I will be able to say honestly that I ate whatever I want and less of it and that I pretty much stopped eating fast food. They don't need to know the tears and sweat and hard work that has gone into it. They don't deserve to know.
Friday, August 10, 2012
So I've been talking a lot lately about the 40lb curse that I have. I have never made it past 40 lbs lost in any of my weight loss attempts. So while I am celebrating the 40 lbs lost mark, I am also keeping my focus on moving forward to the 50 lb mark.
I did not expect to wake up and be able to take this picture today. It is my weigh day, but between the rough day on Tuesday and my TOM I did not expect it, so I am really excited.
I do not have an official picture of me at 272, so the closest I have is this one where I was "around" my highest weight. The plaid shirt in the picture, I had to wear as an "over shirt" because I could only snap the bottom 2 closed and if I moved slightly they popped unbuttoned. Now I can button it all the way and I look forward to seeing the shirt get looser and looser. I have no idea what jeans I was wearing in the picture, but I have gone from a 24 to a 20 and the 20's are a little loose, so yay. :)
I can definitely tell in my chins area, and the fact that I can button up the shirt is great. It's still hard for me to be all confident and adorable in pics when I still feel I have so far to go, but I'll be glad I took this photo to look back on in the future. :D
Friday, August 10, 2012
So since my "Pull Yourself Together" Blog, I have done exactly that, and it is mostly because of all the great comments I received. There is no way I could continue the downhill spiral when #1. I knew that I was self sabotaging. #2. I had so much love and support from so many sparkers!
I have had two great days food-wise, I am still super crampy and not feeling that great so the exercise hasn't happened in it's usual form. I did however put on my heart rate monitor, and clean the kitchen while dancing to burn 500 calories, so I'll take it where I can get it.
Now on to what some might call unconventional motivation. I love Cinderella, and it has been a long running joke with a fellow overweight friend that I would love to be slutty Cinderella for Halloween one year. She wants to be Snow White. Basically it was just a pipe dream and something I never intended to follow through on.
Two years ago, I bought this outfit on clearance in the largest size they had, which is an extra large. I looked it up and that runs about a 14/16. I am currently in a 20, and let me tell you this thing does not even fit over my hips at this point. It has been in the closet ever since and I've never paid much attention to it until today.
The thing of it is, I do not want to go out in public in it. It is definitely out of my comfort zone, but I would love to be able to wear it and take a photo of me in it. That photo may very well NEVER see the light of day, but it would be something for me to have and to know that I "did it". (Kassie, sound familiar? I could totally relate to what you were saying the other day! ;))
I have now hung this costume in my room on the wall. If I had company or something I would take it down and not want to explain myself, but it is now something I am going to look at everyday. On my fridge I put a Cinderella magnet which is my less dramatic reminder each and every time I go to the fridge.
The costume is reversible and turns into Snow White, two slutty pics for the price of one, who could resist? I am under no illusion that I would look like the woman in these photos, but this is just a fun non scale related goal for me and something to look forward to. I have really been lacking in motivation and I am grabbing it anywhere I can.
In other news I am one pound away from the 40lb lost mark, and I am chomping at the bit to take 40 lb lost photos. There might not be a huge difference when I see the photos, but it is something to look forward to nonetheless. :)
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Hey Crazy Lady,
You, yes you, crazy lady, what in the world are you doing? Who are you trying to fool? You were 2lbs away from the 40 pounds lost mark before vacation. Your goal was to at the very least maintain while you were on vacation for a week, and despite your slip ups you did that. But what was with this mess today?
You started off with good intentions. You had a 16 hour shift that you were dreading, and you came prepared with plenty of healthy food. You started off the day right with your turkey chili, but where did it all fall apart? Oh that's right, you said just one donut wouldn't hurt. You thought you would track it and move on. Next thing you know it was TWO donuts. All of a sudden you snapped and you ordered a tostada salad from El Pollo Loco, which you knew good and well was around 900 calories, but you just didn't care now did you? You were hungry after that and still had something else to eat.
I bet you said "eff this, I'm tired, I'm cranky, I have cramps and am pms'ing, and I am stuck here for 16 hours!" Okay fine, but what does that have to do with eating like a pig? You tracked the damage and you are looking at 2900 calories. That is two days worth of food in one day.
I know exactly what you are doing, you do this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. You have NEVER lost more than 40lbs in one weight loss attempt. NEVER. You are so close to the 40lb mark, you are feeling a little lighter, people are starting to notice, and you are thinking "hey I'm doing pretty good." Then all of a sudden BAM! You start thinking you don't need to watch what you eat as closely, or don't need to move as much, and you start backsliding. I think there is a part of you that is AFRAID to lose this weight, it is your wall, and you feel it protects you, but we will get to that another time.
If 40 lbs lost was your goal that would be another thing, but you are not even close! Your ultimate goal is 180 pounds, which is still 54 pounds away. Your shorter term goal is to get to Onederland, so what's the hold up? I also secretly know your goal weight of 180 is a little cushy, it's cushy because you are afraid of failure. I mean look, I know you haven't been under 200 since before you were 18, and 180 would be quite the accomplishment. You wouldn't look too shabby at it either, but I secretly know you would really rather aim for about 170. But we'll pretend I don't know that... for now.
For now, you need your eyes on the prize, and the prize is Onederland. I don't mean to kick you while your down, but someone needed to give you a wake up call, so here it is. I will at least say you did walk 1.6 miles today at work, so you get a little credit there, but the truth is if you don't pull yourself together, you can kiss Onederland goodbye. I know you look down at your stomachs everyday and wish they were gone, so don't give up on yourself, you can do it!
Your Inner Skinny Girl
Friday, August 03, 2012
So I spent 8 days in Vegas with my Gammie. We had a lot of fun. I gambled and lost my a$$, but hey, it happens! ;) I came back to see all the comments wishing me well on my last blog... I was so gung-ho! But just being in Vegas comes with a lot of food temptations lol.
So did I do what I set out to do? I would say 50/50.
: I brought my George Foreman Grill & food scale with me.
: I counted my calories and stayed in range 4 out of 8 days.
: We made yummy "taco salads" by putting in some lean ground beef and crushing up a few Dorritos (that is the taco part), so yummy and low in calories. We had that a lot.
: Got a bit of walking in, not a TON, but some is better than nothing. :)
: Original plan was one trip to the buffet with the free food coupon, and one trip to the Cafe to split something with the other free food coupon. We ended up buffeting twice in lieu of going to the cafe.
: We did go to Applebees, but I didn't end up ordering off the 550 and under menu. My Applebees closed down and I haven't been in years. This may sound like an excuse and anyone who wants to think it is is actually fine with me. ;) It was 14 dollars for some sirloin thing that I was going to pick, it wasn't something I wanted or something I would pick just because... but it was the only thing off that menu that basically didn't have shrimp (I don't eat seafood). They currently had a promotion 2 for $20. Essentially for 7 dollars more, my grandma and I both ate and had an appetizer. I knew the spinach dip was over 800 calories, so we got onion rings as an appetizer instead and I got chicken strips & fries. Only bright side was I didn't eat it all, normally I'd inhale it. That ended up being my only meal for the day, not intentionally but I was stuffed the rest of the day.
: It happened yesterday. It was just a bad day, plus I'm PMS'ing. I pull into the stupid gas station, and as I am pulling up to the pump I notice this dumba$$ driving away with the gas pump attached to her car. Just as I am saying it to my grandma, it flies like a sling shot and hits my car. I get out, she gets out, I had to keep my dumba$$ comment to myself. She didn't even really say sorry she said "I can't believe I forgot that", I said nothing she said "Did it hit your car", I said "yeah." I thought it hit farther back and was checking and I couldn't see any damage. Mind you my car isn't in perfect condition, but it's an 06 so it isn't a dented up piece of crap either. I was just so mad and I didn't see anything. So she leaves and that is when I see the freakin dent in my drivers door. Let's just say I'm still angry talking about it now. It's not huge, maybe 2 inches but it just sent me into a why me spiral. Why was I at THAT gas station at that EXACT moment? More importantly why didn't I see it BEFORE I said I didn't see anything and she drove off? So. ANNOYED. I try to convince myself it isn't something big enough that I would get fixed, but now every time I get in the car I stare at the dent.
I didn't even get gas, I was in beeyotch mode. Drove home, sat for a while. Then left Grandma, went to get gas and told her I was going to Del Taco. Ladies and gents it was stress eating at it's finest. I got a big fat chicken taco combo (two tacos)... shared the fries with Grandma. I also got a spicy jack quesadilla and those new potato popper things (whatever that is). I couldn't eat it all at once (like I used to) but just saved the rest for later and ate it. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it, and have already had my pitty party about it. It just reminds me this is an on going struggle and will continue to be an uphill battle for the rest of my life.
So there you have it, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of my trip. In comparison it could have been so much worse. 8 days in Vegas would normally be 10-12 meals out. I left here at about 234, my night time weight (I couldn't resist) is 237... so I either maintained or gained about 1lb but to me that is a success. I can come back weighing 5 pounds more very easily. So my 40 pounds down (232) still has to wait, but it will come soon, I just know it. :D
I missed Spark and everyone on it. I also learned this is a very important key to my success!
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