Sunday, August 19, 2012
Thanks to 3 lovely ladies for commenting on my last blog, I totally saw it for what it was. An excuse. I should not be allowed to blog when I am blah, tired, and cranky. ;) I talked about a deal I made with Gammie where if I felt like I wasn't "feeling" the whole weight loss thing, I would at the very least have to maintain the weight I had already lost. The good thing about that is I wouldn't be backsliding and have to relose the weight, but the very obvious bad part is delaying this process that is so important to me.
My deal thing was meant for much farther on in the process. If I got to 199 (which is a HUGE thing for me) and wanted to maintain that for a week or a month, I would be okay with it before pressing on. Or 190, or 180. But the real thing for me was my goal is 180, and while I may shoot for 170, the point was just to maintain it and find out if I indeed wanted to go any lower. That is what I meant for myself when I first thought this up. It was definitely not intended for me to lose 42 lbs, get in a funk and whip out this rule.
My amazing spark friends are what keep me going when I may not feel great. Right now it's a combination of being frustrated over my hurt finger and just being stressed in general. But this week will pass, and I will still force myself to go through the motions, and before I know it I will have my sparkle back and be glad I didn't waste a week of my journey maintaining when I have so far to go. So for all the love and support, it means a lot! :D
Sunday, August 19, 2012
So Thursday night I cut my thumb by...well... being an idiot. I have this tall vase that is about 3 feet. I bought some pebbles and potpourri to fill it with. I didn't put too many pebbles and I did it very carefully. As I was filling it with potpourri, the bottom broke out from under it. That would have been fine except I couldn't leave well enough alone. Add on the fact that I'm already pretty clumsy and this is clearly a recipe for disaster. I wanted to see if the bottom could still fit back together, and in case you were wondering it can. I thought I was holding it tight enough and when I went to turn it over it slipped and I now have a huge gash in my right thumb. Over an inch long and pretty deep. I didn't go to get stitches and my mom agreed it should heal on its own. I am not looking forward to yet another scar, mainly because it'll remind me of my stupidity LOL. Doh.
Before that on Thursday, I had a great day out with my friends. Grilled cheese and fries for dinner and later an ice cream sundae from Denny's. It was a planned in advance treat day, and I still managed about 1800 calories, maybe closer to 1900 because I had to guess on the grilled cheese. But I have just been feeling blah. I have no valid reasons for it. I think the thumb thing triggered some sort of stress or pitty response from me, and I wanted to go and eat even more crap Thursday night but I made myself go to bed instead. That was a small victory. I ate well yesterday and today but still the blahs continue.
So this deal I made with my Gammie, and I basically thought it up and she is holding me to it... is that whenever I feel blah and I feel like you know what, I don't want to work at this weight loss stuff RIGHT NOW, I am not in the mood... that whatever weight I am at at that very moment, I will have to at least work to maintain. So if I decide this week I'm just not doing this, that means I need to maintain my 230lbs that I am right now. I checked a maintenance calculator and that puts me at about 2282. The funny part is I saw that number and I thought "well I don't want to eat THAT much". LOL.
I fully intend to push past the blahs, and just keep moving forward, but it's good to know that if I decide to take a "vacation" from weight loss, that it's not a free pass to go around gorging myself and eating whatever I want. I will still have to track all of my food and work at maintaining my current weight. The best part is, if this happens I know it won't be more than a week, because I will have to be doing the parts that I don't always like (tracking and not eating EVERYTHING), so I know it'll quickly make me want to be back on to the losing side of this journey. :)
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
So anyone who knows me knows that I work with a supremely nasty group of women. I go to great lengths to hide what I eat from them because it is the only way to survive here. If they know, not only will they food police you ("can you have that?"), they will not only try to feed you, but then if you give in an eat a cookie they will laugh about it for a week.
I love my job, I don't love the people but I love my job and it is my career, and I won't let a bunch of weenies ruin that for me.
So my cover has KIND OF been blown, the one guy saw me on spark counting calories, so I was pretty much toast. But I made it a point to tell him I wasn't on a diet and I eat whatever I want (because it's true).
So there is one girl at work, let's just call her Miss America, and I can not stand her. In fact she makes fun of me because she thinks I'm weird, well I assure you I'm not weird, I actually act weird and quiet because I don't want these people to talk to me. I'm not an idiot. ;) This sums it up perfectly:
Anyways, I play up my "weirdness" so that people don't even say hi to me. Yes, I work in a place where it's not uncommon for people to not address each other, crazy huh? It's like the Twilight Zone.
Anyways, Miss America saw me eating Easy Mac and a Tyson chicken patty. I would never proclaim these foods to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But a "typical" work day for me consisted of TWO fast food meals during a 12 hours shift, Burger King on the way to work, and then whatever they ordered for dinner. So if easy mac and a chicken nugget (all tracked btw) keep me away from fast food, then I would say I'm doing pretty good. She gave me a look, but we don't speak so that was that. Or so I thought.
HOURS later I hear her talking to the guy that caught me tracking calories months back and she says "there's one cookie left". Mind you he is on super strict diet, because he is dating the super strict diet chick from blogs past. He says he can't have that, but then all loud she said "what's healthier, the cookie or easy mac?" I'm no idiot, that's no coincidence, and he responded neither. I almost chimed in but I didn't want them to have the satisfaction that I even paid attention to what was said.
I will LOVE the day that someone asks me if I'm on a diet or asks if I should be eating that, because I'm so prepared. The best part is, I am playing this up. I let them see me eat the easy mac, or my lean pockets. But I cover up salad, or veggies so no one sees them. And you know what, when I get to 180 and people are asking me how I lost weight I will be able to say honestly that I ate whatever I want and less of it and that I pretty much stopped eating fast food. They don't need to know the tears and sweat and hard work that has gone into it. They don't deserve to know.
Friday, August 10, 2012
So I've been talking a lot lately about the 40lb curse that I have. I have never made it past 40 lbs lost in any of my weight loss attempts. So while I am celebrating the 40 lbs lost mark, I am also keeping my focus on moving forward to the 50 lb mark.
I did not expect to wake up and be able to take this picture today. It is my weigh day, but between the rough day on Tuesday and my TOM I did not expect it, so I am really excited.
I do not have an official picture of me at 272, so the closest I have is this one where I was "around" my highest weight. The plaid shirt in the picture, I had to wear as an "over shirt" because I could only snap the bottom 2 closed and if I moved slightly they popped unbuttoned. Now I can button it all the way and I look forward to seeing the shirt get looser and looser. I have no idea what jeans I was wearing in the picture, but I have gone from a 24 to a 20 and the 20's are a little loose, so yay. :)
I can definitely tell in my chins area, and the fact that I can button up the shirt is great. It's still hard for me to be all confident and adorable in pics when I still feel I have so far to go, but I'll be glad I took this photo to look back on in the future. :D
Friday, August 10, 2012
So since my "Pull Yourself Together" Blog, I have done exactly that, and it is mostly because of all the great comments I received. There is no way I could continue the downhill spiral when #1. I knew that I was self sabotaging. #2. I had so much love and support from so many sparkers!
I have had two great days food-wise, I am still super crampy and not feeling that great so the exercise hasn't happened in it's usual form. I did however put on my heart rate monitor, and clean the kitchen while dancing to burn 500 calories, so I'll take it where I can get it.
Now on to what some might call unconventional motivation. I love Cinderella, and it has been a long running joke with a fellow overweight friend that I would love to be slutty Cinderella for Halloween one year. She wants to be Snow White. Basically it was just a pipe dream and something I never intended to follow through on.
Two years ago, I bought this outfit on clearance in the largest size they had, which is an extra large. I looked it up and that runs about a 14/16. I am currently in a 20, and let me tell you this thing does not even fit over my hips at this point. It has been in the closet ever since and I've never paid much attention to it until today.
The thing of it is, I do not want to go out in public in it. It is definitely out of my comfort zone, but I would love to be able to wear it and take a photo of me in it. That photo may very well NEVER see the light of day, but it would be something for me to have and to know that I "did it". (Kassie, sound familiar? I could totally relate to what you were saying the other day! ;))
I have now hung this costume in my room on the wall. If I had company or something I would take it down and not want to explain myself, but it is now something I am going to look at everyday. On my fridge I put a Cinderella magnet which is my less dramatic reminder each and every time I go to the fridge.
The costume is reversible and turns into Snow White, two slutty pics for the price of one, who could resist? I am under no illusion that I would look like the woman in these photos, but this is just a fun non scale related goal for me and something to look forward to. I have really been lacking in motivation and I am grabbing it anywhere I can.
In other news I am one pound away from the 40lb lost mark, and I am chomping at the bit to take 40 lb lost photos. There might not be a huge difference when I see the photos, but it is something to look forward to nonetheless. :)
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