Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Hey Crazy Lady,
You, yes you, crazy lady, what in the world are you doing? Who are you trying to fool? You were 2lbs away from the 40 pounds lost mark before vacation. Your goal was to at the very least maintain while you were on vacation for a week, and despite your slip ups you did that. But what was with this mess today?
You started off with good intentions. You had a 16 hour shift that you were dreading, and you came prepared with plenty of healthy food. You started off the day right with your turkey chili, but where did it all fall apart? Oh that's right, you said just one donut wouldn't hurt. You thought you would track it and move on. Next thing you know it was TWO donuts. All of a sudden you snapped and you ordered a tostada salad from El Pollo Loco, which you knew good and well was around 900 calories, but you just didn't care now did you? You were hungry after that and still had something else to eat.
I bet you said "eff this, I'm tired, I'm cranky, I have cramps and am pms'ing, and I am stuck here for 16 hours!" Okay fine, but what does that have to do with eating like a pig? You tracked the damage and you are looking at 2900 calories. That is two days worth of food in one day.
I know exactly what you are doing, you do this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. You have NEVER lost more than 40lbs in one weight loss attempt. NEVER. You are so close to the 40lb mark, you are feeling a little lighter, people are starting to notice, and you are thinking "hey I'm doing pretty good." Then all of a sudden BAM! You start thinking you don't need to watch what you eat as closely, or don't need to move as much, and you start backsliding. I think there is a part of you that is AFRAID to lose this weight, it is your wall, and you feel it protects you, but we will get to that another time.
If 40 lbs lost was your goal that would be another thing, but you are not even close! Your ultimate goal is 180 pounds, which is still 54 pounds away. Your shorter term goal is to get to Onederland, so what's the hold up? I also secretly know your goal weight of 180 is a little cushy, it's cushy because you are afraid of failure. I mean look, I know you haven't been under 200 since before you were 18, and 180 would be quite the accomplishment. You wouldn't look too shabby at it either, but I secretly know you would really rather aim for about 170. But we'll pretend I don't know that... for now.
For now, you need your eyes on the prize, and the prize is Onederland. I don't mean to kick you while your down, but someone needed to give you a wake up call, so here it is. I will at least say you did walk 1.6 miles today at work, so you get a little credit there, but the truth is if you don't pull yourself together, you can kiss Onederland goodbye. I know you look down at your stomachs everyday and wish they were gone, so don't give up on yourself, you can do it!
Your Inner Skinny Girl
Friday, August 03, 2012
So I spent 8 days in Vegas with my Gammie. We had a lot of fun. I gambled and lost my a$$, but hey, it happens! ;) I came back to see all the comments wishing me well on my last blog... I was so gung-ho! But just being in Vegas comes with a lot of food temptations lol.
So did I do what I set out to do? I would say 50/50.
: I brought my George Foreman Grill & food scale with me.
: I counted my calories and stayed in range 4 out of 8 days.
: We made yummy "taco salads" by putting in some lean ground beef and crushing up a few Dorritos (that is the taco part), so yummy and low in calories. We had that a lot.
: Got a bit of walking in, not a TON, but some is better than nothing. :)
: Original plan was one trip to the buffet with the free food coupon, and one trip to the Cafe to split something with the other free food coupon. We ended up buffeting twice in lieu of going to the cafe.
: We did go to Applebees, but I didn't end up ordering off the 550 and under menu. My Applebees closed down and I haven't been in years. This may sound like an excuse and anyone who wants to think it is is actually fine with me. ;) It was 14 dollars for some sirloin thing that I was going to pick, it wasn't something I wanted or something I would pick just because... but it was the only thing off that menu that basically didn't have shrimp (I don't eat seafood). They currently had a promotion 2 for $20. Essentially for 7 dollars more, my grandma and I both ate and had an appetizer. I knew the spinach dip was over 800 calories, so we got onion rings as an appetizer instead and I got chicken strips & fries. Only bright side was I didn't eat it all, normally I'd inhale it. That ended up being my only meal for the day, not intentionally but I was stuffed the rest of the day.
: It happened yesterday. It was just a bad day, plus I'm PMS'ing. I pull into the stupid gas station, and as I am pulling up to the pump I notice this dumba$$ driving away with the gas pump attached to her car. Just as I am saying it to my grandma, it flies like a sling shot and hits my car. I get out, she gets out, I had to keep my dumba$$ comment to myself. She didn't even really say sorry she said "I can't believe I forgot that", I said nothing she said "Did it hit your car", I said "yeah." I thought it hit farther back and was checking and I couldn't see any damage. Mind you my car isn't in perfect condition, but it's an 06 so it isn't a dented up piece of crap either. I was just so mad and I didn't see anything. So she leaves and that is when I see the freakin dent in my drivers door. Let's just say I'm still angry talking about it now. It's not huge, maybe 2 inches but it just sent me into a why me spiral. Why was I at THAT gas station at that EXACT moment? More importantly why didn't I see it BEFORE I said I didn't see anything and she drove off? So. ANNOYED. I try to convince myself it isn't something big enough that I would get fixed, but now every time I get in the car I stare at the dent.
I didn't even get gas, I was in beeyotch mode. Drove home, sat for a while. Then left Grandma, went to get gas and told her I was going to Del Taco. Ladies and gents it was stress eating at it's finest. I got a big fat chicken taco combo (two tacos)... shared the fries with Grandma. I also got a spicy jack quesadilla and those new potato popper things (whatever that is). I couldn't eat it all at once (like I used to) but just saved the rest for later and ate it. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it, and have already had my pitty party about it. It just reminds me this is an on going struggle and will continue to be an uphill battle for the rest of my life.
So there you have it, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of my trip. In comparison it could have been so much worse. 8 days in Vegas would normally be 10-12 meals out. I left here at about 234, my night time weight (I couldn't resist) is 237... so I either maintained or gained about 1lb but to me that is a success. I can come back weighing 5 pounds more very easily. So my 40 pounds down (232) still has to wait, but it will come soon, I just know it. :D
I missed Spark and everyone on it. I also learned this is a very important key to my success!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tomorrow night I am leaving to spend a week at my Gammie's house... the best part is she lives in Vegas Baby! I go see her a lot, even more so now that she lives alone. We always have so much fun but the trip always revolves around food. Gammie is not to blame for this at all, it's all me. I just get into an "I'm on vacation, and I can eat whatever I want and I don't care" mode. That wouldn't be such an issue if I didn't go see her upwards of 4 times a year lol.
Last time we did okay, it was more towards the beginning of me "getting serious" about this, and I wasn't quite serious yet. This time I have big plans for our week. Day 1 we are going to the store so we can get the majority of our food there. I am also bringing my little George Foreman Grill with me. She is super supportive of me trying to lose weight, especially since she struggles with weight herself.
I am counting calories the entire week, except for one planned treat day and it's our free trip to the buffet. I actually don't stuff myself as full as you would imagine, and we usually wind up having that be just about our only meal, because who really wants to eat after they've been to the buffet? ;) Other than that we have one free dinner at the cafe (the casino is always sending her freebie's) and we are already prepared to split some sort of sandwich and fries and bring an appetizer or something home with us. Our third and finally outing (in terms of food) is when we go to spend the day at the mall. There is an Applebee's nearby and I am so excited to get something off their 550 and under menu.
The sad part is I will have no internet access, so no spark for a week. That bums me out, but I plan to keep a log of my food and put it in when I get back. We are also going to the mall by her house a few times so that I can get my walking in, in a nice air conditioned environment. I am not looking forward to the 107 degree heat, that is for sure.
When I get back (or shortly after), I am hoping to finally hit the 40 lbs lost mark. I am 2lbs away but it isn't going to happen before I leave. I am actually excited to take a 40 lbs down pic thanks to my spark friend BETHIEBOOPS... she gave me the push to do it and I found a shirt that I have in a pic at pretty much my highest weight, so I hope to be doing that when I get back.
I hope you all have a great week!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Every time I have started a weight loss journey, I have sat down with a notebook and wrote pages about how "this time I have to do it". I have done this at least 6 times since I was 18 and I am 26 now. In fact it's probably closer to 10 or 15 times. I would then look back at what I wrote the year before, almost identical. Then I would talk about how much weight I have gained and how out of control I have gotten. Next would come the crazy dates and calculations... you know what I'm talking about, we've all done it. "If I can lose 2 pounds a week, I can lose 80 pounds in X amount of time"... and then "OMG, if I can lose 2.5 pounds a week" and on and on. Then of course I'd get to if I only lose 1 pound a week, it'll take fooooooooorever and is not even worth it. Then the calculations of how many calories can I burn and how I should eat 1200 calories etc etc.
I realized last night that this was the first time I didn't sit there and do that. Would I really like to lose the 36 pounds to get into Onderland by the end of the year? You but I would LOVE that, but I'm not obsessed with it. When I lose "only a pound", I celebrate it now that I am one step closer to where I need to be.
Like Nike and Lacey and a lot of people have said on here, JUST DO IT. That is finally what I am doing. I am not thinking about it, I am just doing it. I don't think about IF I want to exercise or not, I just do it. I always bring my food to work and never leave it to chance just to order whatever I want when they go out to get food.
I will admit I get on the scale a little too frequently and am working on that, but I think my state of mind is FINALLY in a good place, and I am really working hard to get that to continue.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend! :D
Monday, July 09, 2012
Here are two old blogs that reference a little bit of what I was dealing with in 2010 at my workplace:
So this girl that has to comment when I eat healthy and how "if you don't do a super strict diet it's not going to work" (the one extreme diet included no sodium etc etc)...she is something else, that's for sure. Believe it or not I actually get along with her fairly well, which says a lot about the *actual* beyotches I work with lol. ;)
Anyways, her stupid boyfriend caught me tracking on spark the other day and my cover was blown! I always have updates about all the crap that people eat here and try and feed me... but if they know you are trying to lose weight, they will tie you down and force feed you cupcakes, I swear lol. These people seriously are not right in the head.
Anyways, so her stupid boyfriend blew my cover, and she just told me that it was great I was doing good or whatever.
Dun Dun Dun! In her passive aggressive almost too sweet tone she said "do you want me to teach you my ways?" I played dumb "about what?" in the same sweet passive aggressive tone. She said "about food" and maintaining the tone I said "nooooo..." she responded with a "really?!" *cue whiny tone* and I knew exactly what she needed to hear to back off from me...
"I'm just not sturdy. I know your way is the best (insert internal eye roll), and that it really does work, but I'm just not sturdy." She seemed to understand that and left me with an "If you ever want to know or advice I am here"... then she knew I've been walking so she said how she walked 3 miles today... mind you I outweigh this chick by at least 60 pounds, probably more like 70... and said it was hard for her but it'll get easier. I just told her that was great, because it is great. I left out the part where my fat a$$ walked 4 miles the other day, booyah suck it! I was so tempted to tell her I was doing "just fine on my own" but it is not worth it. This place is a strange place, and not a good atmosphere in general. Don't get me wrong, I have a handful of actual friends at work who keep me sane, but the rest... don't even get me started.
So I continue on my road of doing it my way, on the downlow, not flaunting anything, hiding my food scale, and not tracking spark freely where others can see. Please don't confuse this with not being proud of what I am doing and please do not lecture me on how sharing our goals is helpful and I shouldn't have to do these things because you don't know what it's like in this shark tank. ;) In my actual life with my actual friends they know about my goals and my steps to become healthier, so it's not like I'm keeping it to myself entirely... it's just the sharks that don't need to smell the blood in the water. ;)
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