Sunday, July 15, 2012
Every time I have started a weight loss journey, I have sat down with a notebook and wrote pages about how "this time I have to do it". I have done this at least 6 times since I was 18 and I am 26 now. In fact it's probably closer to 10 or 15 times. I would then look back at what I wrote the year before, almost identical. Then I would talk about how much weight I have gained and how out of control I have gotten. Next would come the crazy dates and calculations... you know what I'm talking about, we've all done it. "If I can lose 2 pounds a week, I can lose 80 pounds in X amount of time"... and then "OMG, if I can lose 2.5 pounds a week" and on and on. Then of course I'd get to if I only lose 1 pound a week, it'll take fooooooooorever and is not even worth it. Then the calculations of how many calories can I burn and how I should eat 1200 calories etc etc.
I realized last night that this was the first time I didn't sit there and do that. Would I really like to lose the 36 pounds to get into Onderland by the end of the year? You but I would LOVE that, but I'm not obsessed with it. When I lose "only a pound", I celebrate it now that I am one step closer to where I need to be.
Like Nike and Lacey and a lot of people have said on here, JUST DO IT. That is finally what I am doing. I am not thinking about it, I am just doing it. I don't think about IF I want to exercise or not, I just do it. I always bring my food to work and never leave it to chance just to order whatever I want when they go out to get food.
I will admit I get on the scale a little too frequently and am working on that, but I think my state of mind is FINALLY in a good place, and I am really working hard to get that to continue.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend! :D
Monday, July 09, 2012
Here are two old blogs that reference a little bit of what I was dealing with in 2010 at my workplace:
So this girl that has to comment when I eat healthy and how "if you don't do a super strict diet it's not going to work" (the one extreme diet included no sodium etc etc)...she is something else, that's for sure. Believe it or not I actually get along with her fairly well, which says a lot about the *actual* beyotches I work with lol. ;)
Anyways, her stupid boyfriend caught me tracking on spark the other day and my cover was blown! I always have updates about all the crap that people eat here and try and feed me... but if they know you are trying to lose weight, they will tie you down and force feed you cupcakes, I swear lol. These people seriously are not right in the head.
Anyways, so her stupid boyfriend blew my cover, and she just told me that it was great I was doing good or whatever.
Dun Dun Dun! In her passive aggressive almost too sweet tone she said "do you want me to teach you my ways?" I played dumb "about what?" in the same sweet passive aggressive tone. She said "about food" and maintaining the tone I said "nooooo..." she responded with a "really?!" *cue whiny tone* and I knew exactly what she needed to hear to back off from me...
"I'm just not sturdy. I know your way is the best (insert internal eye roll), and that it really does work, but I'm just not sturdy." She seemed to understand that and left me with an "If you ever want to know or advice I am here"... then she knew I've been walking so she said how she walked 3 miles today... mind you I outweigh this chick by at least 60 pounds, probably more like 70... and said it was hard for her but it'll get easier. I just told her that was great, because it is great. I left out the part where my fat a$$ walked 4 miles the other day, booyah suck it! I was so tempted to tell her I was doing "just fine on my own" but it is not worth it. This place is a strange place, and not a good atmosphere in general. Don't get me wrong, I have a handful of actual friends at work who keep me sane, but the rest... don't even get me started.
So I continue on my road of doing it my way, on the downlow, not flaunting anything, hiding my food scale, and not tracking spark freely where others can see. Please don't confuse this with not being proud of what I am doing and please do not lecture me on how sharing our goals is helpful and I shouldn't have to do these things because you don't know what it's like in this shark tank. ;) In my actual life with my actual friends they know about my goals and my steps to become healthier, so it's not like I'm keeping it to myself entirely... it's just the sharks that don't need to smell the blood in the water. ;)
Sunday, July 08, 2012
So this time around I have accepted that this is for, well, ever. There is no way around it. I will always have to exercise, and I will always have to track or at the very least monitor my food intake and calories. Plain and simple. But doing that in what was once a 272 pound body is not the easiest, especially the physical aspect.
I realized yesterday that even though this is never going to magically be easy, and the food particularly will always be a struggle for me... that I will be able to be doing this in a much smaller body! Even just the difference from recently being down to 240 from 260 I can already feel a little difference. I don't really *see* any difference, but I can feel it when I walk up and down the stairs, and when I exercise and just how I move in general.
My goal weight as of right now is 180. I think I could truly be content, maybe even happy at that weight. I may work on going even lower than that, and I realize just by "doing what I'm doing" and keeping it up I may continue to go lower just be trying to "maintain" that weight... but I just think of how much easier things will be for me when my body isn't quite so big, specifically the exercise. I also think right now sometimes I get the thoughts of "what does it matter if you lost X amount of weight, you are still fat!" But as I get smaller and smaller I will like the body I am in that much more and will want to fight that much harder to keep it.
I used to say that if someone could wave a magic wand and make me skinny, I would do ANYTHING to keep it that way.
But since it doesn't work that way, I am going to fight to get my body to a point where I am happy, and just continue to fight to keep it that way.
Friday, July 06, 2012
So my lost blog wasn't the best, it was about my mini freak out. I had a rough 24 hours, and I didn't make the best choices and there was a huge part of me that wanted to continue in those bad choices (but didn't). Don't ask me why the *third* month is always the kiss of death for me. I have never made it successfully to 4 months of weight loss on any plan. As you might have guessed, July was the start of month 3, followed by that little rough patch.
But today we will focus on the positives:
-After the 24 freak out that had many bad food choices, I immediately got back on track.
-It is the third month and I am aware and I am doing everything in my power to make it to the 4th month.
-I resisted SO MUCH temptation today at work. I worked the opposite shift I normally do which left me tired and cranky, which usually means I am in an "eat whatever I want mood"... today I did not eat one thing at work that I did not bring with me. Today alone, I turned down (and was actually bugged 3 times about eating a burger): Lemon cake, apple pie, brownies, hot dogs, hamburgers, fried chicken, chips, and potato salad. I even had a very successful 4th, I had 1 serving of my baked cheetos, the hamburger patty only, and 1/2 cup of potato salad.
I tend to focus on the negative and my "slip ups" and they seem to always be my number one focus. Okay okay, except for my tooting my own horn blog LOL. But I just mean on a daily basis my mind focuses on the negative and I am working to fix that.
I am super exhausted and do not want to work out, but thanks to Lacey's Just Do It Blog and Heather rocking her exercise EVEN when she has to get up early for work, I have no excuse now do I? So I'm gonna get my tushy off spark and get it up and moving thanks to you girls! :D
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I wasn't even going to bother posting it, but this is for you Lacey...;) In regards to your blog the other day, I just wanted you to know you are not the only one.
So I rely heavily on frozen food when I go to work. I usually bring 2 lean pockets and a bag of frozen veggies. That is put in one bag. My various "refridgerated" stuff in a separate bag. Today the contents of that bag were pretty scarce: Turkey burger patty, string cheese, sugar free jello, and that was it. It wasn't until I was all the way to work I realized I left the frozen bag (aka the majority of my "meals") at home. I just honestly, I was so angry. They had pizza and cheesecake last night at work on my day off, and my friend saved me one piece of cheesecake. That is why my amount of food and snacks was lower, so I could accommodate that cheesecake I really wanted to have.
Normal me would have said eff it, I'm going to eat a ton of the pizza that is in there, and I'll have the cheesecake and who really cares? At least there was pizza in there if I needed it, but I really didn't want it. Then top it off, they go for dinner at a burger place, which is fine, but there is no online site. So no menu, no nutrition etc. I managed to get a chicken pita and seasoned fries... I know the fries were bad for me but there are a ton of them and the plan is to throw out half. I'm glad I got the chicken pita instead of a burger, so I guess A for effort.
But the craziest part is, after all is said and done it still bugs me a little that I can't track it properly. It bugs me that I didn't have the food I meant to bring... but the thing that scares me is this... this sounds so silly to say out loud... but because of my addiction (for lack of a better word) for fast food, I am worried about getting back into a slippery slope. I guess the out of control part of me feels like I had "fast food" today, and that will continue on tomorrow and the next day and the next day, because this is what has happened in the past. It might sound really stupid, but that is my past behavior and that is why it worried me so much.
After I have calmed down I realize that this is something I need to learn to deal with, and to roll with the punches, life happens and I need to learn to adjust. I just have to remind myself that this time is different and doesn't have to wind up like all the times before. The fact that I'm not in the kitchen stuffing myself with pizza at this very moment is a victory in itself. :)
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