Sunday, June 10, 2012
So it's only 10 days into June and I've already had the ups and downs. Let's start with the downs. I got off work at 5am on Tuesday, went home to sleep and then left to go to Vegas to visit my Grandma at about 7pm. I actually didn't do bad with my eating on this day... got to Grandma's around 11, ate and we stayed up til 5am chatting and all of that. Wednesday was Buffet day. She had two free coupons to the Buffet, and we had been planning this for weeks. So we go to lunch, and I actually did well considering. What I love about the buffet is when you don't like something, there is no pressure to eat it. There is no "I paid 10 bucks for this, I kind of have to eat it." The macaroni and cheese was awful, I mainly stuck with kielbasa sausage, mashed potatoes as my main "food". The green beans were cold and disgusting, the pizza was good but I found myself getting full and just ate the the essence of the pizza (the cheese and the 2 pepperonis on the slice;)). I was so excited they had cookies for dessert, but what a bust. They were solid as a rock. I took one bite of a dried out brownie, bleh. Had one delicious piece of carrot cake and called it a day.
I had already given myself the freedom not to track Wednesday. That was going to be fun pig out day and I was not to be bothered with it. My goals for June include tracking all food no matter how bad, so this was the only day I was allowing myself.
The worst part of Wednesday was not the buffet but the macaroni and cheese we had for dinner. Ay yi yi. I ate my dinner and had seconds, but since I am on a "night shift" schedule I was up all night anyways. At 5am I was hungry again and ate the left over mac and cheese. To think I ate an entire box in the matter of 8 or so hours really bummed me out.
Thursday was the day Grandma and I would be coming back to California. I went to visit her but also to bring her back so she could visit with the family and celebrate my brother's birthday. I picked Carl's Jr for lunch and decided I'd eat what I wanted and not stress. They have this grilled cheese cheeseburger thing that is to die for. I had it months ago when they had it and now it's back. I had that and we split some fries. I later found out that my cheeseburger alone was 910 calories, I was not pleased. Needless to say that will be my last one for, well, EVER actually ha ha.
We stopped in Barstow which was the "half way point" and had Del Taco. I had two chicken soft tacos and called it a day. When I got home I was hungry (way late like 3am but my bedtime is 6-7am), and I had something small. But the depressing part was finding out I wasted 910 big ones on just that cheeseburger.
So that brings us to Friday, time to take bro out to dinner. Let me tell you I searched Marie Callenders site for 30 minutes trying to pick something. When you tell me I can have a salad for 910 calories or a cheeseburger and fries for 1000, I'm taking that. I finally gave up and had a chicken sandwich and fries, we also got a free slice of pie because of his birthday from a coupon we had.
Don't ask me how I went from 0 to 60, from looking on the site, to saying screw it, I don't care. The only decent thing I did was take most of the bread off my sandwich. So we are already looking at 1000 calories or so, and taking the 670 calorie piece of pie home.
I don't know what happened when I got home later in the evening but I was starving. I wound up eating 6 chicken nuggets, then making a loaf of the frozen garlic bread just because I wanted a "piece". I ended up eating almost the entire loaf, and 6 more chicken nuggets. Then later offed the piece of pie.
Since my goal was to track everything no matter how bad, with my exception of allowing Wednesday off, I tracked the damage from Friday, about 3000 calories. Ay yi yi. It's not even the calories that bother me as much as the fact that I felt so out of control with the garlic bread and just the eating in general. Like I couldn't stop.
Now onto the small "up" after all of those "downs"... my goal for June was to walk 4 miles a week, well I had only done 1 up until this point because I was out of town. I managed to do my 2 mile Leslie Sansone DVD yesterday and live to tell about it, I haven't been able to do that in over a year. I walked my mile at work tonight so I successfully did my 4 miles for the week even from being out of town. The other up is I am back on track and totally in my ranges for today. So good to feel in control again.
I think it was just a huge reminder that no matter how much you think you have everything under control, it is definitely going to always be some what of a "struggle" for me to lose the weight and KEEP it off. But I'm ready to keep on trying. :)
Saturday, June 02, 2012
For her comments the other day, I have been doing what I need to do to a T ever since I heard about it the other day. I know a couple of you saw my little "status update" about it. The thing is, my friend didn't elaborate on what was said, and I didn't ask... but basically what happens is they were passing the "chow list" around at work when I was off. One person goes on a chow run for the shift and goes to pick up dinner for everyone else. So they pass it around and whoever wants their food signs up. Well at my work, there aren't assigned computers. It's basically first come first serve. Some people move around a lot and others (like myself) always sit in the same spot. There are also dividers that divide up the "pods" with either 2 or 3 computers in each.
So the one lady who had the list, all she could see over the wall to the cubicle was hair and it was the spot that I always sit. So she assumed it was me. So she said "Stephanie, do you need the list?" and the girl who was sitting there was apparently very loud and repeated "Oh hell no" at least twice. My friend didn't go into great detail, but it was basically her being greatly disgusted at the thought of someone calling her me.
Now, had this been a super fit skinny chick, I can totally see them being like "WTF". But this girl is not much smaller than me. She may weigh 30 pounds less. I am not knocking her weight at all, but more importantly, this woman only saw some hair and because it was my normal spot she assumed it was me. But for this girl to be so vocal about it and so loud was not cool. Knowing the other a-holes that I work with, I'm sure they all probably had a great laugh at my expense.
It's crazy, because I was teased in school all the way through high school for my weight. I figured now that I am 26 and a full fledged adult, I wouldn't have to deal with that nonsense anymore. But I've learned that these people at work, even the 40 year old women with children are more catty than teenagers. The only difference is the teasing is done behind your back instead of to your face.
Regardless, I'd like to thank her for making me want to get to my goal and make sure I maintain and do what I need to do. I put no value into what she said, because I know one thing, my insides are definitely more beautiful than her nasty insides that are full of hate. (This is not the only example I have of her nastiness). But with this blog I am letting her comment go, I will not internalize something like that. I can still remember every comment that was every made to me about my weight, and I am letting those go as well.
Friday, June 01, 2012
I have always been so inspired by those people that blog at the beginning of a month with a list of goals, no matter how big or small. Then at the end of the month, actually come back and say whether or not those goals have been met. I may have done it back in 2010 when I was on here, but never actually followed through. I am hoping that June 2012, I can actually set out and DO what I want to accomplish. You guys really hold me accountable, and I love that. So at the end of this month, I will revisit this list, and blog about what is met and what isn't. I am hoping this keeps the fire lit under my butt to make June a good month. I have been doing pretty good food wise, but the exercise has been so inconsistent, so that is a big focus for me.
Drink 8 glasses of water each day.
Walk 4 miles per week.
Do 60 minutes cardio per week.
Do 10 minutes of strength training 3x/week
Track everything I eat no matter how bad.
Lose 8 pounds by the end of June. (240.5)
I have been walking pretty consistently, but not done any strength training and my cardio aside from the walking is super in consistent. I'm hoping to look back at the end of the month just to prove to myself I can actually do this.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
So it's technically "night" for me even though it's 5:37 am. I get off work at 5am, I work 12 hours, and I was in my calorie range for today. I get home and I'm starving. In the past this could be eating any possible left overs, well technically inhaling them while standing in front an open fridge. Or making something eat, still feeling "hungry" and making something else. This could add up to 100's of calories. The other alternative was literally to stop at a fast food joint on the way home and easily eat a days worth of calories after I'd probably already eaten 2000 for the day.
I came home I felt so hungry, I knew it was legitimate hunger as I had already had plenty of water. I only have 85 calories left for the day (since it's the end of mine)... I almost thought screw it, I can't have anything for 85 calories, then I found myself reasoning in my head... well you walked a mile today you had to burn a few calories, so you can eat more than that. On and on. 85 calories isn't even enough for one of my fiber one brownies (90 cals)... that would have even been fine. I am not going to go crazy about being 5 calories over. Then I decided I really wanted some string cheese, I didn't have any, but settled on two pieces of thin colby jack cheese that I did have. 80 calories for the whole thing, about to track it and head to bed.
I just have to say if it wasn't for Spark and you awesome people, I would be standing in front of the fridge right now inhaling anything I could get my hands on. I am so thankful to all of you! :D
Edit: And sorry to anyone who is tired of hearing about my night shift/12 hour shifts, I try and write it as if for someone who knows nothing about me... but if anyone has read more than just this one I didn't want you to think I was beating a dead horse LOL! :D ;)
Friday, May 25, 2012
I went to get my eyebrows done today because I have to attend a wedding on Sunday, and I haven't seen my "eyebrow lady" in a while and she said "wow, have you lost weight?" I said "a little, but not enough", which is true lol. She isn't one of those people that says that all the time, so maybe it was sincere. I hate people who say it to you whenever they see you (if they are one of the people you see once in a while)... "oh have you lost weight", it's almost like the only compliment they can think of to give an overweight person. So annoying. Anyways, I was happy about the comment from her, but then... DUN DUN DUN.
I was walking around Target doing my shopping, and I saw a girl that I went to middle school with. I immediately looked down and to the side, and spent the rest of the time dodging her. First of all she looks exactly the same, her hair is even the same, and skinny just like she was back then. Now of course, I was not skinny by any means in middle school, but I definitely have at least 100 plus pounds hanging off me now. The sad part is, I have a lot of things to be proud of. I know everyone has something that they aren't 100% thrilled with, but the weight made me terrified of her recognizing me. It's weird because in other aspects of my life I am very proud of what I have accomplished. At the age of 26 I own my own home, I have a great job that is a career that I plan to stay at until I retire, and I have great friends and family. But it was like the embarrassment of this weight trumps all that I guess. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I kind of feel like "you've accomplished this and that, but you are still fat but who cares."
I think it was just an eye opener that I have a long way to go with the weight loss, but it is something that I really want. Not even so I won't have to be afraid of running into people, but just so I can feel proud of all aspects of my life, including my weight loss.
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