Monday, May 21, 2012
For me, weight loss has always been about one number, and one number only, the number on the dreaded scale. If it didn't move as fast as I felt it should, or heaven forbid went up a pound or 2, I would lose all motivation. But for the first time I see myself fascinated with other numbers. Like my spark points, my calorie and fat count on the nutrition tracker, and the fitness tracker. With the exception of the last couple weeks, I haven't exercised in an incredibly long time, 80% laziness and 20% fear.
I have arthritis in both my knees, and too much exercise or not even too much, it's more the intensity and what not can hurt my knees and they wind up getting inflamed, and this can last for months. The last time it happened I needed cortisone shots in each knee just to be able to walk, and that was over 6 weeks after it was inflamed. So for me high impact just isn't going to happen. On top of that, I fell in April of 2011, broke my ankle and my leg. I now have a plate in my leg, and two screws in my ankle. Definitely not fun, you can still feel a stiffness and my range of motion will never be the same. So there is a legit sense of fear of hurting myself further. But on the flip side of that there is still no excuse for me to sit around and do absolutely nothing. I was using the pool in the condo to help my knees when they were inflamed, but I'm not a big fan of being out in the pool alone, it's a self confidence/swimsuit issue at this point. If my brother comes over and goes with me then I'll do it, but haven't done that in a while. But I am loving getting back into my walking DVD's. I love Leslie Sansone. It is easy on my knees and I like the option of 1, 2, or 3 miles (for now) so I can work my way up. I am also loving my WII and my new WII games. So much fun.
I've never paid much attention to my Spark Points, but all of a sudden I find myself obsessed. I have been on Spark for years, and at one point lost 40 pounds, but gained most of it back. I thought about clearing out the points and starting fresh, but I feel like my struggles and the back and forth is all a part of this journey. Now I find myself reading articles and all those little extra things to get the points. It's almost like a game in itself. Plus I'm trying to keep up my spark streak for walking 4 miles a week, and hope to up the mileage in the future. I think not being so obsessed with the scale is really helping me stay on track, because it's been hovering around 250 for a little while now. That would normally cause me to throw in the towel, but I can't ruin my streak now can I? ;)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Well, just my coworkers lol. In the real world, I still always get carded for alcohol (I'm 26), I was at the movies with my friends to see are rated R movie and she is like 'are any of you over 21' thinking that some of us were not even 18. But when we get new people my age at work, and they ask something about how old I am or however it comes they always say "I thought you were older than me", in many cases I am the same age or a year or 2 younger. I honestly think it's directly related to my weight. I am sure I think a lot of things have to do with my weight that don't, but I really think this is the case. I should mention all of these people have been thin girls... I have a feeling it's kind of like well you are so fat I figured you were older to get up to that weight.
That's the only thing I can think of, since the rest of the world won't even let me get a drink without asking to see ID, so hopefully when I lose this weight, I come off my own age for once in my life. I can hope right? ;)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Okay, so everyone probably knew ha ha. I've always been a little slow. ;) I totally understand the idea of eating slower, slowing down, eating off a smaller plate, chewing plenty and all of that. Do I always do that? No, not always. But I try and make an effort not to inhale my food like I used to. But never in a million years did I ever think about cutting up chicken nuggets. I mean how silly does that look? 1 or 2 bites tops, and that nugget is toast. I was so amazed today how it seemed like my food went on FOREVER. Instead of 6 chicken nuggets, I felt like I had about 50. I am now enjoying my frozen pizza the same way, and boy does it make a difference. I think I'm going to have adopt this for some of the foods I never would have thought about.
And I'm sure there are people cringing at the fact I am eating chicken nuggets and now a frozen pizza, but the fact of it is I work 12 hours on graveyard shift and frozen food is a way of life for me on my working days, but I promise you I'm well within my calories. :)
Sunday, May 06, 2012
So the last couple days have not been the best... because of my weird sleep schedule, it feels like it's been 3 days, but it was technically just yesterday that I posted my binge blog. While I stopped in the middle of it, and have not binged again, I just have not been making good or smart choices. Eating junk, and not even bothering to track. Today I found myself resorting to an old habit. It is amazing how quickly we can fall back into an old pattern.
My habit for MONTHS was to get up, get ready for work, and pick up Burger King on the way. I start work at 5pm, and I used to be at a point point where I was so hungry by 4pm and this was an easy fix for me. I would eat chicken tenders and french fries on the way to work. It's a scary thought, especially considering the amount of calories, and that was just the first meal of the day. Even if I ate relatively healthy the rest of the day, it didn't matter, since the first meal pretty much contained a days worth of calories.
Today I found myself in that drive thru for the first time in weeks. I was even joking with one of my friends that the guy at Burger King probably thought "that fat girl probably died of a heart attack or something"... because just about every Saturday he would see me ordering the same thing, and then it stopped for at least a month. I would even go some Sundays as well, depending on things. He even stopped asking me if I wanted dipping sauce, he just threw the ranch in the bag. Talk about embarrassing. Add on to that the fact that I live in LA, not some tiny town somewhere. He had plenty of customers each and everyday, but the same fat girl, ordering the same combo every weekend stands out I guess lol.
I will not go into details, I don't want to give TMI, but my stomach is pretty pissed. Between the grease fest of yesterday and now this today, my body is screaming, please, just stop. I practically lived off fast food, and that paired with laziness is the reason I am overweight, plain and simple. So my body was absolutely used to high amounts of fats and grease, and I typically didn't have a problem. It's amazing to see that even though I don't feel I have been making that many changes or doing that great, my body does recognize it and it can recognize when I'm starting to slip. Good reminder to keep moving forward, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
Friday, May 04, 2012
It's amazing how our perspective on something can change so much. Right now, I feel like I just had a conscious binge. I know a lot of people have the kind of binge where it's almost like they can't stop themselves, and they almost black out or are on auto pilot. I totally feel for those that have had that issue, but that wasn't the case here. I am disappointed because I knew what I was doing every step of the way.
I work graveyard shift 5pm to 5am, so bed time for me is 6 or 7 am. On my days off my sleeping gets even more screwy, and I sometimes can't fall asleep til 10am and that messes me up royally. This morning was one of those days, the longer I was awake the hungrier I got. The problem is I should be asleep.
So not only was this a binge, but this would be the equivalent of someone on a normal sleep schedule lying in bed, not being able to sleep, and getting up out of bed to binge.
Oh but it gets worse, I didn't just find myself in the kitchen, I decided I wanted food from a diner around here that has a drive thru. So I decide I want a patty melt, and maybe chili cheese fries, oh but the onion rings are just so good. I tried for .2 seconds to talk myself out of it, but then grabbed my keys and got in the car. So not only did I get up to do it, I got in the car and drove. I knew what I was doing. Ordered the food, I knew, and for some reason even threw in a grilled cheese sandwich, WTF? So that is now two very unhealthy "meals" fit for two people.
I come home and I immediately dig in. The patty melt was the thing I was craving the most so I just started eating. Then as I looked down at the grilled onions that I spelled onto my huge stomach, and the bag of food next to me, I finally stopped.
Now, someone who was totally willing to do the right thing might have stopped and thrown it all away. I hate to say it but I'm definitely not that strong. So I wound up eating one very unhealthy meal. I ate the chili cheese fries, I ate 1/2 the grilled cheese and 1/2 the patty melt and put the rest in the fridge.
But what is this part in my title about dinner you ask? A month ago, a meal that resembled this could have been considered my dinner. Can you believe it? While having the two sandwiches/burgers was out of the norm for me, it would not be uncommon for me to go to say Jack In The Box for example and have: a large fry, chicken strips, mozarella sticks, and stuffed jalapenos. Or two tacos instead of one of those things, and that would not even be considering what else I had eaten in the day. So while I am truly embarrassed by this, it is amazing how much my perspective has changed. This felt and looked wrong to me, instead of it being "just another meal". I also would NEVER admit this to anyone in my everyday life, I would just be mortified. But by putting it out into the "Spark-verse", I feel it is holding me at least a tiny bit accountable. From now on anytime I slip up like this, I am going to blog about this. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe that'll help me to think twice.
Today was definitely not a success, as I only ate half and will end up eating the half at some other point, but it's a start. Here's to hoping the next time I can stop before I get in the car.
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