Sunday, May 06, 2012
So the last couple days have not been the best... because of my weird sleep schedule, it feels like it's been 3 days, but it was technically just yesterday that I posted my binge blog. While I stopped in the middle of it, and have not binged again, I just have not been making good or smart choices. Eating junk, and not even bothering to track. Today I found myself resorting to an old habit. It is amazing how quickly we can fall back into an old pattern.
My habit for MONTHS was to get up, get ready for work, and pick up Burger King on the way. I start work at 5pm, and I used to be at a point point where I was so hungry by 4pm and this was an easy fix for me. I would eat chicken tenders and french fries on the way to work. It's a scary thought, especially considering the amount of calories, and that was just the first meal of the day. Even if I ate relatively healthy the rest of the day, it didn't matter, since the first meal pretty much contained a days worth of calories.
Today I found myself in that drive thru for the first time in weeks. I was even joking with one of my friends that the guy at Burger King probably thought "that fat girl probably died of a heart attack or something"... because just about every Saturday he would see me ordering the same thing, and then it stopped for at least a month. I would even go some Sundays as well, depending on things. He even stopped asking me if I wanted dipping sauce, he just threw the ranch in the bag. Talk about embarrassing. Add on to that the fact that I live in LA, not some tiny town somewhere. He had plenty of customers each and everyday, but the same fat girl, ordering the same combo every weekend stands out I guess lol.
I will not go into details, I don't want to give TMI, but my stomach is pretty pissed. Between the grease fest of yesterday and now this today, my body is screaming, please, just stop. I practically lived off fast food, and that paired with laziness is the reason I am overweight, plain and simple. So my body was absolutely used to high amounts of fats and grease, and I typically didn't have a problem. It's amazing to see that even though I don't feel I have been making that many changes or doing that great, my body does recognize it and it can recognize when I'm starting to slip. Good reminder to keep moving forward, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
Friday, May 04, 2012
It's amazing how our perspective on something can change so much. Right now, I feel like I just had a conscious binge. I know a lot of people have the kind of binge where it's almost like they can't stop themselves, and they almost black out or are on auto pilot. I totally feel for those that have had that issue, but that wasn't the case here. I am disappointed because I knew what I was doing every step of the way.
I work graveyard shift 5pm to 5am, so bed time for me is 6 or 7 am. On my days off my sleeping gets even more screwy, and I sometimes can't fall asleep til 10am and that messes me up royally. This morning was one of those days, the longer I was awake the hungrier I got. The problem is I should be asleep.
So not only was this a binge, but this would be the equivalent of someone on a normal sleep schedule lying in bed, not being able to sleep, and getting up out of bed to binge.
Oh but it gets worse, I didn't just find myself in the kitchen, I decided I wanted food from a diner around here that has a drive thru. So I decide I want a patty melt, and maybe chili cheese fries, oh but the onion rings are just so good. I tried for .2 seconds to talk myself out of it, but then grabbed my keys and got in the car. So not only did I get up to do it, I got in the car and drove. I knew what I was doing. Ordered the food, I knew, and for some reason even threw in a grilled cheese sandwich, WTF? So that is now two very unhealthy "meals" fit for two people.
I come home and I immediately dig in. The patty melt was the thing I was craving the most so I just started eating. Then as I looked down at the grilled onions that I spelled onto my huge stomach, and the bag of food next to me, I finally stopped.
Now, someone who was totally willing to do the right thing might have stopped and thrown it all away. I hate to say it but I'm definitely not that strong. So I wound up eating one very unhealthy meal. I ate the chili cheese fries, I ate 1/2 the grilled cheese and 1/2 the patty melt and put the rest in the fridge.
But what is this part in my title about dinner you ask? A month ago, a meal that resembled this could have been considered my dinner. Can you believe it? While having the two sandwiches/burgers was out of the norm for me, it would not be uncommon for me to go to say Jack In The Box for example and have: a large fry, chicken strips, mozarella sticks, and stuffed jalapenos. Or two tacos instead of one of those things, and that would not even be considering what else I had eaten in the day. So while I am truly embarrassed by this, it is amazing how much my perspective has changed. This felt and looked wrong to me, instead of it being "just another meal". I also would NEVER admit this to anyone in my everyday life, I would just be mortified. But by putting it out into the "Spark-verse", I feel it is holding me at least a tiny bit accountable. From now on anytime I slip up like this, I am going to blog about this. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe that'll help me to think twice.
Today was definitely not a success, as I only ate half and will end up eating the half at some other point, but it's a start. Here's to hoping the next time I can stop before I get in the car.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I don't mean in terms of "I ate 3 cheeseburgers today and I'm not going to tell anyone, and tell them I had a salad instead", I mean actually telling them you ate the unhealthy food to get them off your back.
I just realized I did this without even thinking. I am a dispatcher and it is "dispatchers week" and so there is some sort of food or goody each and every day. Luckily I only work 4 days out of the 7, but still. Today was breakfast stuff, waffles, bacons, sausage, eggs. I found myself when the one woman said "Did you get some of the waffles?" I replied without thought "Yes, I had a little bit, it was yummy, thank you." This woman was on the committee that made the money to provide us with these things. She said "oh good, glad you liked it, there is plenty." I just replied thank you, all while taking my soup out of the microwave.
I know some say that you should tell anyone and everyone about your healthy life style and all of that, but I know my coworkers and they know me. I have been on a weight loss rollercoaster the entire 4 years I've been here, up and down in weight, and I pick my battles, and this is one I chose not to pick. It's easier to say that and keep walking, instead of 20 questions about why you don't want to eat it. Plus, where I work there are even more toxic people that will actually try harder to feed you garbage if they know you are trying to be healthy.
Has anyone else ever lied about what they ate, or am I the only one? LOL.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Such a random question, I know. About a month ago, I fell down the stairs at my house (because I am just one of the most clumsy people EVER)... and ended up breaking my leg and my ankle. I had to have surgery and now have a plate with pins on the outside of my left leg... and two screws in my ankle, and only one will be removed. I'm still recovering, can't walk on it and won't be able to for quite some time still. I have been pretty miserable, and am worried about recovery. I made the mistake of googling some people who have the screws and pins and stuff, and a lot of them were complaining of lots of pain, even a year or two after. The doctor assured me that out of maybe 100 people who have these things, maybe 2 or 3 have a problem. He also said the people that are doing FINE probably aren't on the internet writing about it. I hope he is right.
I have never even broken a bone, so to have a break this extreme is super frustrating for me. I hate not being able to do things, especially go to work. But now I am just complaining ha ha, I was just curious to see if anyone here had anything similar and what there experience was.
Friday, February 18, 2011
so it's not going to leave all on it's own either! Ha ha. I really believe (and sincerely hope) that I am actually getting *it* this time. I've been doing my best to form new eating habits, to find new, healthy foods that I enjoy. I've been doing my best to avoid fast food, and on the occasions I have something, I do it based on calories/fat instead of my cravings. I'm the Queen of excuses... "I work 12 hours a day, and have to commute, and I need to sleep and blah blah blah, I don't have time to exercise"... what a bunch of bologna. There are people doing amazing on their weight loss journeys, who have FAR MORE to do and FAR MORE responsibilities than I do.
On the one MTV show "I Used To Be Fat" the guy tells the trainer: "I don't have time..." the trainer says "but you have time to play video games", and he goes "You're right, I have the time, I don't have the DESIRE." It was so spot on. I didn't have the desire, I wanted to lose weight of course, but I didn't have the desire to keep me going and doing what I need to do. This weight didn't magically appear... it came from me eating fast food and not exercising over and over again everyday. So it is going to take me eating right and exercising over and over again to get it off. I have been so tired this week, but have stuck to walking my 2 miles when I get home... other people are doing this... and hopefully I will be on my way to joining them. :D
I do think I need to put the scale away, because it really messes with my mind. When the weight doesn't go down, I think "Why do I bother?" But I need to just trust that I am doing things right this time, and trust that in time the weight will start coming off. I'm going to try my best to put the scale in the closet and not weigh til the end of the month (which I know isn't THAT far away... but that would be a HUGE thing for me LOL).
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