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A Binge or Just Dinner?

Friday, May 04, 2012

It's amazing how our perspective on something can change so much. Right now, I feel like I just had a conscious binge. I know a lot of people have the kind of binge where it's almost like they can't stop themselves, and they almost black out or are on auto pilot. I totally feel for those that have had that issue, but that wasn't the case here. I am disappointed because I knew what I was doing every step of the way.

I work graveyard shift 5pm to 5am, so bed time for me is 6 or 7 am. On my days off my sleeping gets even more screwy, and I sometimes can't fall asleep til 10am and that messes me up royally. This morning was one of those days, the longer I was awake the hungrier I got. The problem is I should be asleep.

So not only was this a binge, but this would be the equivalent of someone on a normal sleep schedule lying in bed, not being able to sleep, and getting up out of bed to binge.

Oh but it gets worse, I didn't just find myself in the kitchen, I decided I wanted food from a diner around here that has a drive thru. So I decide I want a patty melt, and maybe chili cheese fries, oh but the onion rings are just so good. I tried for .2 seconds to talk myself out of it, but then grabbed my keys and got in the car. So not only did I get up to do it, I got in the car and drove. I knew what I was doing. Ordered the food, I knew, and for some reason even threw in a grilled cheese sandwich, WTF? So that is now two very unhealthy "meals" fit for two people.

I come home and I immediately dig in. The patty melt was the thing I was craving the most so I just started eating. Then as I looked down at the grilled onions that I spelled onto my huge stomach, and the bag of food next to me, I finally stopped.

Now, someone who was totally willing to do the right thing might have stopped and thrown it all away. I hate to say it but I'm definitely not that strong. So I wound up eating one very unhealthy meal. I ate the chili cheese fries, I ate 1/2 the grilled cheese and 1/2 the patty melt and put the rest in the fridge.

But what is this part in my title about dinner you ask? A month ago, a meal that resembled this could have been considered my dinner. Can you believe it? While having the two sandwiches/burgers was out of the norm for me, it would not be uncommon for me to go to say Jack In The Box for example and have: a large fry, chicken strips, mozarella sticks, and stuffed jalapenos. Or two tacos instead of one of those things, and that would not even be considering what else I had eaten in the day. So while I am truly embarrassed by this, it is amazing how much my perspective has changed. This felt and looked wrong to me, instead of it being "just another meal". I also would NEVER admit this to anyone in my everyday life, I would just be mortified. But by putting it out into the "Spark-verse", I feel it is holding me at least a tiny bit accountable. From now on anytime I slip up like this, I am going to blog about this. I am hoping that maybe, just maybe that'll help me to think twice.

Today was definitely not a success, as I only ate half and will end up eating the half at some other point, but it's a start. Here's to hoping the next time I can stop before I get in the car.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKYMARIEC 8/20/2012 12:18PM

    I'm just catching up on your blogs and this one hits home...sometimes i still have those "meals." Wendy's is my favorite. I avoid going there because i cannot control myself. A typical meal would be: a spicy chicken sandwich with cheese, large fries, large drink, 2 orders of spicy nuggets, a hamburger of some sort and a large chocolate frosty...yes - all for one home obviously. Sad to say that just last week i wanted wendy's and my meal was a double cheeseburger, large fries, large coke, large chocolate frosty and 2 orders of spicy's my weakness and i need to avoid it like the plague.

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BABBINA 5/15/2012 8:36PM

    Forst pff, it's ok to cheat sometimes!!! Now that that's out the way lol, lemme say this, just the fact tha tyr perspective is changing says it all. You will be successful in the long run, no matter what simply b/c yr aware of what's what now. Girl we got s much in common when it comes to our relationship w food & our chanes along our journey, its not even funny... Anyways, don't beat yrself over it, WL is a Journey, a process, yr not only changing yr habits, but also yr mind, spirit, beliefs, etc. You will fall & stumble sometimes, but its how quickly u get up & jump back up that matters. Eventually, you'll find less of a need to grab yr keys & go out on a drive thru binge...

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THESHELBSTER 5/11/2012 10:51AM

    Girl, my typical meal from McDonald's used to be A filet o fish sanwich with extra tartar sauce, AND a big mac, AND a large fry AND a large Dr. Pepper, and then whatever my son did not eat from his happy meal I would finish off too.

Now when I am craving fast food I go to chic-fil-a. I do not order fries. I tell them no butter on the bun. I LOVE chic-fil-a. It totally satisfies that fast food craving and even a fried chic-fil-a sandwich is like 480 calories or something. Maybe less. It is totally manageable.

You are constantly learning.

You are not the only one who has gotten in their car to binge.

I have done it before too.

Being accountable is a huge part of being successful on this weight loss journey so I am proud of you.

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DAYTHYME 5/5/2012 5:11AM

    I understand that it is so much harder for odd sleepers. I for one have one of the most screwed up sleeping schedules. I always get 8+ hours in, but the times I fall asleep are so random. I know exactly how you feel, when you are laying in bed with the sun up and just cannot sleep the more you cannot sleep the more hungry you get. I just notice the more tired I am the more unhealthy I want to eat. You just want to shove the quickest thing into your face :) Now anytime before I go to bed I grab a couple of my favorite crackers(Cheez-its) and fall asleep so much easier, with that awesome taste in my mouth. Live and learn girl. Find something that works for you!

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STARSUB99 5/4/2012 4:00PM

    This is called learning and progress... and it's good for you. Really. You went out and got the food. Started eating and were consciously aware enough to stop and think about what you were doing. This is how we learn and then change our habits. You are learning to stop a bad behaviour.
Imagine how far you have come from downing tons of greasy calories without thinking about it - to being aware of what you are doing and stopping.
This is progress. I'm there right now too. When I get the craving I stop and think to myself - what am I feeling. Usually it's lonely, sad, frustrated etc..... so I journal first and stop and think about the feeling and why I want to turn to food and then by the time I think it through the craving is gone.
Its these moments we have in the middle of it all that help us move toward success.
Just get past it and move on to the next good thing you can do for yourself

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DEBADEAU 5/4/2012 3:16PM

    It's really good that you recognize this as more of a one off situation than a daily occurrence. I too, have done the late night get in the car and get $10 worth of McDonald's. The important thing is you notice it's bad behavior, and also, this ISN'T a meal you eat every day anymore!

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LINDYLOOP1 5/4/2012 2:58PM

    Don't beat yourself up! There is always tomorrow...or this afternoon.

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Lying About What You Ate (Not What You Think)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I don't mean in terms of "I ate 3 cheeseburgers today and I'm not going to tell anyone, and tell them I had a salad instead", I mean actually telling them you ate the unhealthy food to get them off your back.

I just realized I did this without even thinking. I am a dispatcher and it is "dispatchers week" and so there is some sort of food or goody each and every day. Luckily I only work 4 days out of the 7, but still. Today was breakfast stuff, waffles, bacons, sausage, eggs. I found myself when the one woman said "Did you get some of the waffles?" I replied without thought "Yes, I had a little bit, it was yummy, thank you." This woman was on the committee that made the money to provide us with these things. She said "oh good, glad you liked it, there is plenty." I just replied thank you, all while taking my soup out of the microwave.

I know some say that you should tell anyone and everyone about your healthy life style and all of that, but I know my coworkers and they know me. I have been on a weight loss rollercoaster the entire 4 years I've been here, up and down in weight, and I pick my battles, and this is one I chose not to pick. It's easier to say that and keep walking, instead of 20 questions about why you don't want to eat it. Plus, where I work there are even more toxic people that will actually try harder to feed you garbage if they know you are trying to be healthy.

Has anyone else ever lied about what they ate, or am I the only one? LOL.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEMCC45 5/17/2012 12:26AM

    Guilty! Chocolate filled croissants were available at a work meeting a few weeks ago. I had to work nightshift that night so I told the host I would take one for that night (they are well aware of my weight loss and nutritional efforts). Took it home and left it as a treat for hubby!

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DEBADEAU 4/28/2012 9:01AM

    I've done that plenty of times. I'm a trainer in an office environment and we have a lot of pot lucks ("pig outs" we call them). I'm also on the volunteer committee so I plan a lot of these junk food fests. I take a little bit of everything but try to eat just the good stuff. You are definitely not alone.

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WERNERETTE 4/16/2012 9:25AM

    I have found myself doing the same thing! Sometimes I feel like dealing with food pushers is even harder than actually losing weight lol.

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TORIAMAE 4/15/2012 7:56AM takes a while for people to catch up with a major change like that. And saboteurs are everywhere!

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NEWBIEBAIT 4/14/2012 11:52PM

    I do it all the time. I don't feel bad at all. It's so much easier to avoid any sort of issues that others bring up by making different choices.

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BESCAIFE 4/14/2012 11:09PM

    I've done the same just to avoid confrontation. It's true that some people seem to taunt or push food if they know you're trying to work on healthy eating habits. I'm more than happy to talk about my eating habits if I know it's true, positive interest. If I feel it'll become a thing, I'll do the same as you did and remark that I tried whatever food they brought...

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Any Sparkies with pins/screws/plates in their leg or ankles?

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Such a random question, I know. About a month ago, I fell down the stairs at my house (because I am just one of the most clumsy people EVER)... and ended up breaking my leg and my ankle. I had to have surgery and now have a plate with pins on the outside of my left leg... and two screws in my ankle, and only one will be removed. I'm still recovering, can't walk on it and won't be able to for quite some time still. I have been pretty miserable, and am worried about recovery. I made the mistake of googling some people who have the screws and pins and stuff, and a lot of them were complaining of lots of pain, even a year or two after. The doctor assured me that out of maybe 100 people who have these things, maybe 2 or 3 have a problem. He also said the people that are doing FINE probably aren't on the internet writing about it. I hope he is right.

I have never even broken a bone, so to have a break this extreme is super frustrating for me. I hate not being able to do things, especially go to work. But now I am just complaining ha ha, I was just curious to see if anyone here had anything similar and what there experience was.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SW2618 4/13/2012 10:40AM


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YICHE12 5/28/2011 8:48AM

    So sorry to hear about your fall! You say you are clumsy. Our oldest daughter who's quite tall was very clumsy as a young child because her feet were small and her body so long. We decided to have her take ballet so she can take control of her body. As an adult now, she still has small feet compared to her 5'10" frame (she wears the same size of shoes as I do and I'm only 5'1").

Once, your cast is off and that you have recuperated, I would recommend that you look into taking some Tai Chi classes. It takes time to learn the moves, but they teach you how to breathe and work from your core. It's excellent for balance.

Now, I will answer your question -- no I do not have pins in my legs nor in my ankle but my youngest daughter had to get some put in years ago. They took them out about six months later.

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The fat didn't get here on it's own...

Friday, February 18, 2011

so it's not going to leave all on it's own either! Ha ha. I really believe (and sincerely hope) that I am actually getting *it* this time. I've been doing my best to form new eating habits, to find new, healthy foods that I enjoy. I've been doing my best to avoid fast food, and on the occasions I have something, I do it based on calories/fat instead of my cravings. I'm the Queen of excuses... "I work 12 hours a day, and have to commute, and I need to sleep and blah blah blah, I don't have time to exercise"... what a bunch of bologna. There are people doing amazing on their weight loss journeys, who have FAR MORE to do and FAR MORE responsibilities than I do.

On the one MTV show "I Used To Be Fat" the guy tells the trainer: "I don't have time..." the trainer says "but you have time to play video games", and he goes "You're right, I have the time, I don't have the DESIRE." It was so spot on. I didn't have the desire, I wanted to lose weight of course, but I didn't have the desire to keep me going and doing what I need to do. This weight didn't magically appear... it came from me eating fast food and not exercising over and over again everyday. So it is going to take me eating right and exercising over and over again to get it off. I have been so tired this week, but have stuck to walking my 2 miles when I get home... other people are doing this... and hopefully I will be on my way to joining them. :D

I do think I need to put the scale away, because it really messes with my mind. When the weight doesn't go down, I think "Why do I bother?" But I need to just trust that I am doing things right this time, and trust that in time the weight will start coming off. I'm going to try my best to put the scale in the closet and not weigh til the end of the month (which I know isn't THAT far away... but that would be a HUGE thing for me LOL).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARPER_SARAH 2/18/2011 9:37PM

    You can do it!! Positive thinking!

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    I need to find more desire myself! I've been having a hard time lately & need to get my butt back in gear! Thanks for putting the thought into my head, as I read your post emoticon You're right, it's going to take unrelenting effort to get this weight off!

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"Is that DIET food?" Ugh, I hate the food police! ;)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Okay, so I absolutely love love love my job, (the job itself). I'm a dispatcher, I love it, I'm good at it, the deputies heart me and I heart them... I take pride in being able to help them with everyday stuff, but more importantly I enjoy being able to provide them help in the time of an emergency. BUT I CAN NOT STAND 99% OF MY COWORKERS! Oy!! They are the biggest, most nosey group of back stabbers I've ever met. Luckily the way my job is designed, I can sit here, do my stuff and more or less keep to myself. Thank goodness for that!

I work 12 hour days, so I'm eating lunch and dinner at work. They go get fast food everyday (as we aren't allowed to leave on our lunch breaks, so one or two people take orders and go and get food), and it is hard enough for me to pass that up (especially today when they went to In N Out *drools*). I have been trying desperately this week to get back into the swing of things, I'm on about day 4... I had been eating lean cuisines or what not and gone undetected.

BUT today *sighs*, I made whole wheat spaghetti, peas and ground chicken for today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of my coworkers told me about her super strict lose a buncha weight really fast diet a long time ago, that only works if you're super strict... so she says. Her diet wasn't anything special or exhilarating, it was eating 6 times a day, having a protein, good carb and veggies. Okay, um, isn't that kinda how we are supposed to eat anyways? But I never lasted on her super strict crazy diet, and she knew that and after that she left me alone. But today I was caught red handed, with my ground chicken, whole wheat pasta and peas... and she stopped me in my tracks. She said "what do you have there?", I replied "food", she said "hmmmm, it looks like REAAALLLY good diet food, is it?" I said "nooooo it's just food..." This particular coworker and I actually have a decent relationship, so it's not even that. It's just like, why do you even have to ask. It's just food. I hate food police, and I know a lot of things say you should tell people about your weight loss, because support helps or it helps keep you accountable, but I'm sorry... these women are vicious and I don't need them watching what I eat. LOL.

So anyways, I'm just ranting, the scale isn't budging, I'm trying, and people are nosey... that is all LOL ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYCABEL 1/25/2011 9:45AM

    This sound really upsetting. I'm really happy I work in a friendly environment and that I mostly work alone, considering I work the evening shift!
I read the other's comments, and obviously, they covered everything.. =) So.. STAY STRONG ! That's all I'll say. You Can, it's obvious, you have been doing it. Keep It Up, the scale will move in no time!


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MAMAGOSS 1/25/2011 7:44AM

    Sometimes the scale doesn't budge no matter what we do but we keep on doing! Gotta love those food police - just mind your own d*mn business please!

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CLUMBOY 1/25/2011 7:09AM

    women are fascinated by food--and if you are eating something different from everyone else they will be fascinated by it. they will also feel guilty because you are eating healthy food and they aren't. just keep eating your healthy food--eventually they will get bored asking about it. they want you to go back to your old ways because then they won't feel bad about what THEY are eating. but you aren't responsible for THEIR emotional health. thats their problem.
stay strong!

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GIRRRLYCHILD 1/25/2011 6:20AM

    the problem i've seen with most women is that they get in their head what "diet food" or "eating healthy" looks like and then, besides feeling the need to stick their nose into other people's business, refuse to believe that anything else can be healthy. why yes, i can eat a cheeseburger once in awhile or have a few pieces of chocolate. o, your diet doesn't let you do that? sucks for you then. :)

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SKYRUNHER 1/25/2011 5:54AM

    oh I hear you there! I went through that for a while.. one day at work I missed my "lunch" which is breakfast for most people (my breakfast is at 3 am) so I brought in a sandwich. So here I am eating a sandwich at 9 am and I had 7 (!) people comment on how I shouldn't eat a sandwich at this time.

You know you're doing well.. keep it up. And try to ignore them.. I know it's hard! You can do it!

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CHICAT63 1/25/2011 5:26AM

    I can understand the food police situation....some of my coworkers have had the nerves to tell me how good I am not eating this or that and my awesome reply is: "Oh, this yep tastes good and filling since I choose to be healthy" that usually shuts them up *lol*. Do not let them deter you and it is not diet food it is healthy food :)

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IMEMINE1 1/25/2011 5:12AM

    I have the same problem as you. I am at work for10 hours a day.
I don't leave for lunch either.
I do bring in my own lunch and most times do good .
BUT I work with all men and people bring them coffee and DONUTS all the time.And the temtation is there a lot of times.
I tell them I am on a heathy food diet and now it seems the guys are turning around too.
They do the treadmill,gym,etc.
You can do it.

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ROZELL99 1/25/2011 4:30AM

  It is a lot tougher for a woman. The closest i got to this situation was when a coworker saw me out at a restaurant and said I was busted. I took about two minutes to describe exactly what i was having and the various calorie counts, including the glass of wine. I followed that up with my count for the day and the calories burned in my two workouts. He backed off and apologized for giving me a hard time. 99% of the time men don't engage in this behavior, but it helps to plan ahead and be armed with information. Good luck on your jouney, you CAN do it.

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