Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Okay, so I absolutely love love love my job, (the job itself). I'm a dispatcher, I love it, I'm good at it, the deputies heart me and I heart them... I take pride in being able to help them with everyday stuff, but more importantly I enjoy being able to provide them help in the time of an emergency. BUT I CAN NOT STAND 99% OF MY COWORKERS! Oy!! They are the biggest, most nosey group of back stabbers I've ever met. Luckily the way my job is designed, I can sit here, do my stuff and more or less keep to myself. Thank goodness for that!
I work 12 hour days, so I'm eating lunch and dinner at work. They go get fast food everyday (as we aren't allowed to leave on our lunch breaks, so one or two people take orders and go and get food), and it is hard enough for me to pass that up (especially today when they went to In N Out *drools*). I have been trying desperately this week to get back into the swing of things, I'm on about day 4... I had been eating lean cuisines or what not and gone undetected.
BUT today *sighs*, I made whole wheat spaghetti, peas and ground chicken for today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of my coworkers told me about her super strict lose a buncha weight really fast diet a long time ago, that only works if you're super strict... so she says. Her diet wasn't anything special or exhilarating, it was eating 6 times a day, having a protein, good carb and veggies. Okay, um, isn't that kinda how we are supposed to eat anyways? But I never lasted on her super strict crazy diet, and she knew that and after that she left me alone. But today I was caught red handed, with my ground chicken, whole wheat pasta and peas... and she stopped me in my tracks. She said "what do you have there?", I replied "food", she said "hmmmm, it looks like REAAALLLY good diet food, is it?" I said "nooooo it's just food..." This particular coworker and I actually have a decent relationship, so it's not even that. It's just like, why do you even have to ask. It's just food. I hate food police, and I know a lot of things say you should tell people about your weight loss, because support helps or it helps keep you accountable, but I'm sorry... these women are vicious and I don't need them watching what I eat. LOL.
So anyways, I'm just ranting, the scale isn't budging, I'm trying, and people are nosey... that is all LOL ;)
Sunday, January 02, 2011
I just watched it's first episode on MTV.com, and while I did enjoy watching the show, the girl on it lost 90 pounds in 111 days. Insanity!! She was doing intense exercise with a trainer everyday. Just thought it was a bit over the top I guess. She was just 18 years old, but I noticed it seemed the skin on her stomach was able to keep up and go back to where it should be. Just wondered if anyone here had seen the show, and if so what they thought of it.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
On the downside, I don't have some incredible weight loss story. No awesome before and after pictures to show all that I've accomplished. But I do feel that I've learned a lot this year, and I am determined to make 2011 my year!
I've learned that...
*For me to be successful, I need to be on Spark. I need to log my food, there is no way around it for me.
*I need to lose weight for me, on my own terms, and it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it.
*I need to make myself a priority in my life, and if that means rearranging life so that I can be number 1, then it must be done.
*I can not hide from food (temptation). It will always be around, and it is up to me and only me to make the best of it.
*I feel so much better when I'm exercising regularly, and I need it to become a way of life.
*I will NEVER be happy (body-wise) at an unhealthy weight. I despise getting winded so easily, I hate how my clothes fit, and I hate how sluggish I feel. I will not settle for this unhealthy body I am living in.
I have had a lot of ups and downs in 2010 (as does anyone), and I honestly feel there were more downs than anything. I do wish I handled them better, and had *more to show* for this year.
BUT, this time last year I weighed 272 (my highest weight EVER), and I am currently hovering around 258. While this is no great accomplishment, I know for a fact if I had not found Spark and at least attempted to become healthier throughout the year, I would be much higher than 272. To know I avoided hitting or getting even closer to the 300 pound mark is an accomplishment for me in a roundabout way.
Hopefully next year at this time I will have learned even more and weigh even less! :D
Friday, December 10, 2010
So I know we all go through ups and downs, but it's like I have gone through both in a matter of like 6 days! It's crazy. I wish I could just have one good week, so that I could build my confidence and remind myself that I ACTUALLY know how to do this. I started out the week great, as I often do, then I wanted to have fast food for one meal, and I said to myself, no problem... I this will be my "free" meal for the week. Then the next day I had fast food and the next day. It's like what is wrong with me? Before I was able to have one fast food meal a week, and I'd look forward to it, and after I had it I'd immediately get back on track. For some reason now, I am not strong enough to do that. It's like a get a taste of it, and I run amok.
I'm not going to lie, there is a HUGE part of me right now that just wants to accept my fate as a fatty. I know that is a horrible way to look at things, because I do know that I can lose weight, as I've done it before... I'm just being real here LOL!!
Oh, and I'm not looking for a pitty party or people to say 'don't worry' or anything... trust me... I'm not like that. I just decided last week that I would post my goals, and so this is my post saying I totally failed.
I don't want to give up, because I am so unhappy with my body. So what I've learned from this week, is that *right now*, I am not "sturdy" enough to have a fast food meal once a week, as it leads to more and more. So for this next week, I really just want to focus on calories and eating what I need to it. I know it's probably not the best to have an "all or nothing" outlook on my food at this point, but I'm running out of ideas. =/
Sunday, December 05, 2010
how no one *really* cares whether you lose this weight or not? I know, silly question. I also don't want anyone to think that I genuinely mean that no one cares if we get healthy or not. I know my dad truly worries about my health from time to time, especially as diabetes runs in the family. But I just mean in general, day to day terms. Like, no one cares if I'm fat or not. It's just so funny to think, this is all me. Do I have a select few friends and family who know my struggles and that I want to lose weight? Sure. Do they encourage me? Sometimes. But I am realizing this is the one time in my life I neeeeeeeeeed to be selfish.
I think what I am struggling with the most, is not going on this journey with someone. I have Spark Friends, and even a real life bff who is trying to lose weight, but we are not doing it in the same ways, and live about an hour apart. The only time I lost a *good chunk* of weight through all my years of struggle, was when my mom and I went on Nutrisystem together. I lost 40 pounds relatively easily, my mom and I made our food, ate, and exercised together. Then, just like everything else, it fizzled out. I know that the Nutrisystem was absolutely not the main reason I lost the weight, it was because I had a partner in crime. I moved out a year ago and live alone, so it is definitely all me. My mom is at her heaviest weight (which I'd kill to weigh what she weighs at her heaviest weight LOL), but she doesn't seem to have any desire to do anything about it, which I totally understand. Part of me wishes she'd hop on the bandwagon so I wouldn't feel alone, but we don't live together anyways, so it'd still wouldn't be like it was before.
But I am honestly to my breaking point. I feel sooooo uncomfortable all the time. I can honestly say I hate my body. I despise it. I despise this ginormous behind that follows me wherever I go, and more than anything, I hate my two stomachs that I have to lug around. I want to lose enough weight so that me turning over in bed isn't considered an olympic sport. I need to make this time different, I need to commit to this lifestyle change, and I need to remember it's all about me-me-me when it comes to this. Let's rock this biz-nitch. ;)
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