STEPH-KNEE   80,788
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Ups and Downs...

Friday, December 10, 2010

So I know we all go through ups and downs, but it's like I have gone through both in a matter of like 6 days! It's crazy. I wish I could just have one good week, so that I could build my confidence and remind myself that I ACTUALLY know how to do this. I started out the week great, as I often do, then I wanted to have fast food for one meal, and I said to myself, no problem... I this will be my "free" meal for the week. Then the next day I had fast food and the next day. It's like what is wrong with me? Before I was able to have one fast food meal a week, and I'd look forward to it, and after I had it I'd immediately get back on track. For some reason now, I am not strong enough to do that. It's like a get a taste of it, and I run amok.

I'm not going to lie, there is a HUGE part of me right now that just wants to accept my fate as a fatty. I know that is a horrible way to look at things, because I do know that I can lose weight, as I've done it before... I'm just being real here LOL!!

Oh, and I'm not looking for a pitty party or people to say 'don't worry' or anything... trust me... I'm not like that. I just decided last week that I would post my goals, and so this is my post saying I totally failed.

I don't want to give up, because I am so unhappy with my body. So what I've learned from this week, is that *right now*, I am not "sturdy" enough to have a fast food meal once a week, as it leads to more and more. So for this next week, I really just want to focus on calories and eating what I need to it. I know it's probably not the best to have an "all or nothing" outlook on my food at this point, but I'm running out of ideas. =/

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEPH-KNEE 12/10/2010 6:36AM

    That makes sense, thanks! :D Especially right now, before once a week was no problem at all for me, but some reason it's totally throwing me for a loop. I will definitely try that, cuase I gotta try something... I just keep screwing around and going yo-yoing which is only doing me harm.

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    I have come to see fast food as gross, which makes it easier not to eat it (plus it makes me sick when I do eat it!) except for Subway. I treat myself..maybe once a month to go out to eat. So far I've gone out once this month but I did NOT do good and I felt horrible for it. I'll go out one more time with my friends for Christmas.

Focus on trying to do it once a month. Like a special day or something you look forward to.

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Have you ever thought about...

Sunday, December 05, 2010

how no one *really* cares whether you lose this weight or not? I know, silly question. I also don't want anyone to think that I genuinely mean that no one cares if we get healthy or not. I know my dad truly worries about my health from time to time, especially as diabetes runs in the family. But I just mean in general, day to day terms. Like, no one cares if I'm fat or not. It's just so funny to think, this is all me. Do I have a select few friends and family who know my struggles and that I want to lose weight? Sure. Do they encourage me? Sometimes. But I am realizing this is the one time in my life I neeeeeeeeeed to be selfish.

I think what I am struggling with the most, is not going on this journey with someone. I have Spark Friends, and even a real life bff who is trying to lose weight, but we are not doing it in the same ways, and live about an hour apart. The only time I lost a *good chunk* of weight through all my years of struggle, was when my mom and I went on Nutrisystem together. I lost 40 pounds relatively easily, my mom and I made our food, ate, and exercised together. Then, just like everything else, it fizzled out. I know that the Nutrisystem was absolutely not the main reason I lost the weight, it was because I had a partner in crime. I moved out a year ago and live alone, so it is definitely all me. My mom is at her heaviest weight (which I'd kill to weigh what she weighs at her heaviest weight LOL), but she doesn't seem to have any desire to do anything about it, which I totally understand. Part of me wishes she'd hop on the bandwagon so I wouldn't feel alone, but we don't live together anyways, so it'd still wouldn't be like it was before.

But I am honestly to my breaking point. I feel sooooo uncomfortable all the time. I can honestly say I hate my body. I despise it. I despise this ginormous behind that follows me wherever I go, and more than anything, I hate my two stomachs that I have to lug around. I want to lose enough weight so that me turning over in bed isn't considered an olympic sport. I need to make this time different, I need to commit to this lifestyle change, and I need to remember it's all about me-me-me when it comes to this. Let's rock this biz-nitch. ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARLA393 12/8/2010 10:19PM

    It is definitely good to be selfish when it comes to your health! And I just want you to know, that no matter how heavy you feel, or how bad about yourself you think, I would kill to be your weight! And I'm sure there's hundreds of others out there who feel the same way. We'll never be happy with our weight if we aren't healthy. That's the priority!

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FRAZZLEPOP 12/5/2010 5:08AM

    You're gonna rock this biz-nitch! :) Remember you're doing it for yourself -- whether or not people support you, in the end it's your body and your goals! Good luck!

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I'm Too Freakin Fat For This LOL!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I find myself thinking that a lot these days. I get winded SO easily, and I am only 24... It shouldn't be like this. There are two sets of stairs in my house... a set leading up to the bathrooms/bedrooms and a set leading down to the garage. So while doing chores like cleaning, I am going up stairs to round up the laundry... down those stairs, then down the other stairs to start the laundry (back and forth up and down the stairs to put in dryer and later take them out of the dryer...) up and down the stairs to take out trash, bring home groceries etc etc. BUT THEY ARE JUST STAIRS! It's not climbing Mount Everest or anything! I am pretty sure my 67 year old grandma could out run me at this point.

When I bring home a ton of groceries and find myself about ready to pass out, I say to myself damn, I need a husband so he could help me with this, that'd make it easier. But eff that lol, all I need is to lose 100 pounds, and I wouldn't need anyones help;). I have said countless times how sick I am of being fat, so I'm not even going to go there this time...But I AM so sad I have let so many years slip by...

I am so overwhelmed at the idea of trying to lose at the VERY LEAST 80 pounds (in reality much more)... so the only focus I'm going to have right now so I don't freak myself out is to lose 20 pounds by Feb 1st. So here goes nothing!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FIREBIRD3423 11/23/2010 9:49AM

    You will get there, one day you will be running around house and stop and go wow I just did all that and not even tired. I like the small goals not that 20 lbs is by any means a small goal! Its a LOT I know I have to pick up 20lb bags of dog food all the time.

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CHICAT63 11/20/2010 5:57PM

    You can do it and much more !!! The stairs will become easier..... emoticon

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    When I started out, I looked at losing each 10lbs. Like getting from 280 to 270, and so on and it made it a LOT easier. I didn't look at it as losing 137lbs.

Also, look at the stairs as a good thing - a form of exercise to help you. I am finding interesting things each day, that tell me I burn calories (I stand up at work for 9hrs, that's 565 calories!).

If I can do it - so can you!

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DAUNE447 11/20/2010 6:56AM

    Its great that you have lots of stairs in your house - so you can get up and exercise anytime you want!
Good luck with your journey!

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STEPH-KNEE 11/20/2010 6:55AM

    Thanks so much for the comment, that makes total sense. And congrats on all your success! :D

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KITKABOO 11/20/2010 6:35AM

    Set yourself 10% goals- lose 10% and only focus on that, no more. It's easier when you can see it in small chunks. Also try the healthy eating before introducing exercise- that way you'll more likely to stay on track rather than push yourself to the limit then lose motivation as you pushed too hard

If I can lose 181lbs anyone can believe me-I'm a former couch potato whose only exercise was walking to the car or up the stairs to bed!!


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Need Advice Sparkers: 1200 calories forever?

Friday, November 12, 2010

1200 calories is the lowest end of my calorie range here on spark, and I also totally believe when they say no one should ever be going under 1200 calories. I am perfectly content eating 1200, but my question is, do you think that'll hurt me in the long run? Obviously, I will have no where to go in terms of lowering my calories if I hit a plateu and whatnot, but I will always have the option to amp up the exercise.

Any advice? Especially from sparkers who have already lost considerable amounts of weight, is your personal experience it's better to start on the higher end of the range and go down as time goes on? Or will I be fine just consistently eating that amount, and upping exercise when neccessary?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RORYTA 11/14/2010 8:48AM

    I started eating less in general, then I went on 1200 for about 2 months, but soon got bored and felt completely deprived, so I upped it to 1600. I found that with the range of 1400-1600 I felt satisfied and not too guilty about eating too much. Also, 1200 never felt enough for ME, especially because I did about 1 to 2 hours at the gym on average (burning about 1000 calories per workout), about 5 days a week. I lost 40 pounds in 3 months.

I must say however, I got burned out and I gained 15 pounds back, I felt the need to take a break. NOW am back and eating less without counting calories, and the only workout I get is a late night walk around the area where I live. I have lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks.

So tread carefully, you wanna eat just ENOUGH calories to satisfy you and to hold you through the day especially if you are exercising, and you wanna take your time, your body will tell you where exactly you need to be with your calories. Plateaus are inevitable you could probably amp up your workouts for about two weeks and then get back to your routine for the next two weeks. keep your body guessing. It should be fine if you want to stay on 1200, just make sure you get in the nutrients your body needs, fruits, veggies, fibers, lean protein; any 1200 calorie diet consisting of those things is OK!

good luck

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CHICAT63 11/14/2010 8:00AM

    It is always good on exercises day to go up higher, remember Food is Fuel. I have been experimenting and after reading someone's blog yesterday I realized I was doing the same, hence resulting not losing bodyfat. I tweaked my nutrition yesterday and saw a 2 pound loss this morning.

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STEPH-KNEE 11/13/2010 9:36PM

    I want to thank both of you for taking the time to read and respond, AND I want to congratulate you both on your amazing success!! :D Thank you so much for the feedback, this really helps a lot! :)

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    I eat 1200 calories a day a lot. Sometimes I eat more depending. I've lost 92lbs this way and it hasn't hurt me. Sometimes though, I will get into a plateau, and have to eat about 1500-1700 to break my plateau. But in the long run, it shouldn't hurt you - it hasn't me. I should be eating MORE considering I burn approx. 1200 cals a day JUST exercising. I burn over 3000 with my BMR.

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KBERG27 11/12/2010 4:02PM

    I've been living off of 1200-1300 calories for almost 8 months now, and I haven't needed to adjust it at all for any plataeus. I've adjusted WHAT I eat and I've changed my exercise regimens, but 1200 seems to work well for me. I would definately start on the higher end of the range though and work your way down as you lose weight. I actually could have started with a lot more calories but chose not to, which doesn't make sense because I know that I could have still probably lost just as much weight. Anyways, you don't want to deprive yourself of too much too soon otherwise it'll be impossible to stick with. Good luck :)

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Disappointed, accepting it, and moving on.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

So as I sit here at a weight of about 260, I could not be more disappointed in myself. Last year around this time I started doing what I needed to, and lost about 22 pounds. I hit a plateu, and hovered around the weight of 250 for a long time. Then what happened? No excuses, I got lazy. It was "work" to plan and cook my own meals. It was work to exercise when I get home from my 12 hour shift, but there is no excuse. Everyone here deals with these things, and despite obsticles, they are doing what they need to do.

I think I am most disappointed, because knowing that last year at this time I was taking this so seriously and doing pretty good... and if I had KEPT WITH IT, who knows where I'd be right now. That is so frustrating to realize I have let another year pass me by.

I tried to look at the bright side, and to be honest, there isn't REALLY one. But the ONLY thing I could think of... is this time last year I was at my all time high of 272. If I had never done *anything* or lost *any* amount of weight, I could very realistically be about 300 pounds right now. So I am trying to look at that. I am 12 pounds lighter then I was this time last year. To me, that is not an *accomplishment* of any sort, BUT if the alternative is weighing 12 pounds more, I will take it.

I just honestly wonder what is wrong with me. When there is something in my life that I want, I work to get it. I worked/saved up to buy the house I wanted, I worked really hard to train and get the job I wanted. I just have always worked towards things I've wanted, and I want to lose this weight MORE than anything. So why don't I do it? I just can't understand why I am so LAZY. Cause that is all it is, laziness.

I guess in a way, it's easier for me to be fat. It's easy for me to not exercise, it's easy for me to get fast food then prepare something healthy. But then I am starting to realize: It's NOT easy for me to: Find close that fit me. Walk up a flight of stairs. Bring the groceries inside without feeling like I've run a marathon. To feel good about myself because of my weight. To date/meet new people. All of those things are hard for me.

This site has given me ALL the tools I need. I don't know how many times I've said I'm gonna start again, I'm gonna get back to it, and I just don't. So I am disappointed in myself, but my pitty party has to end sometime and I will need to start moving in a positive direction.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAZADORES 10/16/2010 7:51AM

    Good for you for looking ahead. I was having this exact same discussion with a friend of mine not too long ago.

I am going to suggest that you are not lazy. Quite the contrary, you are a resourceful go-getter type person who accomplishes we she sets out to do (job, house, etc).

What changed for me was when I decided that I needed to be the top priority. I needed to believe that I really wanted it and was worth the effort. Of course, I have to keep reminding myself of this quite often.....remember you are worth it! You can do it! You ARE doing it!

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STEPH-KNEE 10/16/2010 7:32AM

    I want to thank you both for taking the time to reply to my blog.

Saydee - You are so right about that, I am definitely a venter. I think for me, it doesn't even matter if someone is listening, but just "getting it out" tends to help me. You are right, I need to realize what happens *now* is what matters. :D

Chicat, you are an amazing inspiration! I've seen your pictures and your progess, and you are just a huge inspiration to me. You are proof that it can be done if I just get down to it. And instead of just sitting here in awe of all you have accomplished, I think I will get up off my butt and work on joining you. :D

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CHICAT63 10/16/2010 7:00AM

    Ok, pity party over ! As you have said it is only one year, but getting back on your wellness journey will add years. You have the tools, support and all here on Sparks. You can do this Sista and we are here for you. Hugs.

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SAYDEE7 10/16/2010 6:10AM

    Sometimes we need to vent, get some sympathy or even empathy and then we can move on. Sometimes a little validation can do wonders. We have all yo yo'd and looked back an thought "Only IF" but it is what we do today that matters. The decisions you make now are what count. So here you are sharing your story, getting positive feed back and then you will be good to go and on your way to great success.

We are all in the same boat and anytime you need an oar or a life jacket just holla! Take care.


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