Friday, December 10, 2010
So I know we all go through ups and downs, but it's like I have gone through both in a matter of like 6 days! It's crazy. I wish I could just have one good week, so that I could build my confidence and remind myself that I ACTUALLY know how to do this. I started out the week great, as I often do, then I wanted to have fast food for one meal, and I said to myself, no problem... I this will be my "free" meal for the week. Then the next day I had fast food and the next day. It's like what is wrong with me? Before I was able to have one fast food meal a week, and I'd look forward to it, and after I had it I'd immediately get back on track. For some reason now, I am not strong enough to do that. It's like a get a taste of it, and I run amok.
I'm not going to lie, there is a HUGE part of me right now that just wants to accept my fate as a fatty. I know that is a horrible way to look at things, because I do know that I can lose weight, as I've done it before... I'm just being real here LOL!!
Oh, and I'm not looking for a pitty party or people to say 'don't worry' or anything... trust me... I'm not like that. I just decided last week that I would post my goals, and so this is my post saying I totally failed.
I don't want to give up, because I am so unhappy with my body. So what I've learned from this week, is that *right now*, I am not "sturdy" enough to have a fast food meal once a week, as it leads to more and more. So for this next week, I really just want to focus on calories and eating what I need to it. I know it's probably not the best to have an "all or nothing" outlook on my food at this point, but I'm running out of ideas. =/
Sunday, December 05, 2010
how no one *really* cares whether you lose this weight or not? I know, silly question. I also don't want anyone to think that I genuinely mean that no one cares if we get healthy or not. I know my dad truly worries about my health from time to time, especially as diabetes runs in the family. But I just mean in general, day to day terms. Like, no one cares if I'm fat or not. It's just so funny to think, this is all me. Do I have a select few friends and family who know my struggles and that I want to lose weight? Sure. Do they encourage me? Sometimes. But I am realizing this is the one time in my life I neeeeeeeeeed to be selfish.
I think what I am struggling with the most, is not going on this journey with someone. I have Spark Friends, and even a real life bff who is trying to lose weight, but we are not doing it in the same ways, and live about an hour apart. The only time I lost a *good chunk* of weight through all my years of struggle, was when my mom and I went on Nutrisystem together. I lost 40 pounds relatively easily, my mom and I made our food, ate, and exercised together. Then, just like everything else, it fizzled out. I know that the Nutrisystem was absolutely not the main reason I lost the weight, it was because I had a partner in crime. I moved out a year ago and live alone, so it is definitely all me. My mom is at her heaviest weight (which I'd kill to weigh what she weighs at her heaviest weight LOL), but she doesn't seem to have any desire to do anything about it, which I totally understand. Part of me wishes she'd hop on the bandwagon so I wouldn't feel alone, but we don't live together anyways, so it'd still wouldn't be like it was before.
But I am honestly to my breaking point. I feel sooooo uncomfortable all the time. I can honestly say I hate my body. I despise it. I despise this ginormous behind that follows me wherever I go, and more than anything, I hate my two stomachs that I have to lug around. I want to lose enough weight so that me turning over in bed isn't considered an olympic sport. I need to make this time different, I need to commit to this lifestyle change, and I need to remember it's all about me-me-me when it comes to this. Let's rock this biz-nitch. ;)
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I find myself thinking that a lot these days. I get winded SO easily, and I am only 24... It shouldn't be like this. There are two sets of stairs in my house... a set leading up to the bathrooms/bedrooms and a set leading down to the garage. So while doing chores like cleaning, I am going up stairs to round up the laundry... down those stairs, then down the other stairs to start the laundry (back and forth up and down the stairs to put in dryer and later take them out of the dryer...) up and down the stairs to take out trash, bring home groceries etc etc. BUT THEY ARE JUST STAIRS! It's not climbing Mount Everest or anything! I am pretty sure my 67 year old grandma could out run me at this point.
When I bring home a ton of groceries and find myself about ready to pass out, I say to myself damn, I need a husband so he could help me with this, that'd make it easier. But eff that lol, all I need is to lose 100 pounds, and I wouldn't need anyones help;). I have said countless times how sick I am of being fat, so I'm not even going to go there this time...But I AM so sad I have let so many years slip by...
I am so overwhelmed at the idea of trying to lose at the VERY LEAST 80 pounds (in reality much more)... so the only focus I'm going to have right now so I don't freak myself out is to lose 20 pounds by Feb 1st. So here goes nothing!
Friday, November 12, 2010
1200 calories is the lowest end of my calorie range here on spark, and I also totally believe when they say no one should ever be going under 1200 calories. I am perfectly content eating 1200, but my question is, do you think that'll hurt me in the long run? Obviously, I will have no where to go in terms of lowering my calories if I hit a plateu and whatnot, but I will always have the option to amp up the exercise.
Any advice? Especially from sparkers who have already lost considerable amounts of weight, is your personal experience it's better to start on the higher end of the range and go down as time goes on? Or will I be fine just consistently eating that amount, and upping exercise when neccessary?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So as I sit here at a weight of about 260, I could not be more disappointed in myself. Last year around this time I started doing what I needed to, and lost about 22 pounds. I hit a plateu, and hovered around the weight of 250 for a long time. Then what happened? No excuses, I got lazy. It was "work" to plan and cook my own meals. It was work to exercise when I get home from my 12 hour shift, but there is no excuse. Everyone here deals with these things, and despite obsticles, they are doing what they need to do.
I think I am most disappointed, because knowing that last year at this time I was taking this so seriously and doing pretty good... and if I had KEPT WITH IT, who knows where I'd be right now. That is so frustrating to realize I have let another year pass me by.
I tried to look at the bright side, and to be honest, there isn't REALLY one. But the ONLY thing I could think of... is this time last year I was at my all time high of 272. If I had never done *anything* or lost *any* amount of weight, I could very realistically be about 300 pounds right now. So I am trying to look at that. I am 12 pounds lighter then I was this time last year. To me, that is not an *accomplishment* of any sort, BUT if the alternative is weighing 12 pounds more, I will take it.
I just honestly wonder what is wrong with me. When there is something in my life that I want, I work to get it. I worked/saved up to buy the house I wanted, I worked really hard to train and get the job I wanted. I just have always worked towards things I've wanted, and I want to lose this weight MORE than anything. So why don't I do it? I just can't understand why I am so LAZY. Cause that is all it is, laziness.
I guess in a way, it's easier for me to be fat. It's easy for me to not exercise, it's easy for me to get fast food then prepare something healthy. But then I am starting to realize: It's NOT easy for me to: Find close that fit me. Walk up a flight of stairs. Bring the groceries inside without feeling like I've run a marathon. To feel good about myself because of my weight. To date/meet new people. All of those things are hard for me.
This site has given me ALL the tools I need. I don't know how many times I've said I'm gonna start again, I'm gonna get back to it, and I just don't. So I am disappointed in myself, but my pitty party has to end sometime and I will need to start moving in a positive direction.
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