Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I've been pretty frustrated with myself... lost 15 pounds, gained back five.. I'm just now hopping back on the wagon. I am back to exercising, and I hope to push forward.
I'm kind of conflicted on how I see myself. What is funny is I *always* feel huge and uncomfortable, so I am in no denial that I am "small", so my image isn't skewed in that way. But I did realize that I think my face (I know we all hate the pretty face thing LOL) still looks like I do in my old facebook photos. I love those "myspace style" photos that hide my weight, so obviously those are on my page... but I've never thought I looked like *that*. But even at that, I have some *regular* pictures where I think I look pretty good. But I have finally realized I am not the same person as in those photos, at any angle LOL. I am nearly 50 pounds heavier then in those photos, and I don't even recognize myself anymore. One of the ladies on here had a BLOG about this as well, and it just really kicked in that I felt the same way. The saddest part is, at 205, I felt so disgusting. And while 205 is certainly nothing to be *proud* of, I now sit here at 258ish, and WISH that I could go back to the time where I was 205. I never thought I'd feel that way. I guess I am just disappointed in how out of hand I have let this get. I also can't believe that even though I have always *felt* that I was big, I lost touch of just how big I had actually gotten. It seems funny to think that I think about how much my weight bothers me every single day, yet I let so many days pass without doing anything about it.
I am officially back on the wagon, and I'm holding on for dear life. I can't afford for that wagon to leave me behind, or I know I will wake up one day over 300 pounds, and feeling more helpless then ever.