Tuesday, September 16, 2014
This is totally one of this ridiculous "non problem problems"! I have been thinking a lot about everything. How I am still up 8ish pounds from my lowest weight... That I am still almost 30 pounds away from my goal weight and I was trying to really figure some things out. Before I think I was scared of the success... I think I'm to a point now where I'm not really scared and I'm definitely not self sabotaging as much, which is a huge step in the right direction! But there is obviously something keeping me around this weight for a year. I know part of it is lack of focus, I get really focused, drop 10 pounds. slack off, eat too much and gain it back. Sounds like a ridiculous cycle, and it pretty much is... but here is what I figured out about how I feel right now...
Okay, so that sounds awful, but it's how I feel! I am not at my goal, but I am a happy girl lately! I am getting out and having fun, I am enjoying places like Disneyland and the Zoo that I avoided for years because I weighed 90 pounds more than I do today and walking took such a physical toll on my body. I can do so much, and while I am still overweight, I can walk miles with ease, I can fit into all the rides at Disneyland and I feel confident in doing so! I even have my trip to Florida in November, and I've never traveled anywhere past Vegas. The idea of flying as an obese person sounded like so much work, and it held me back. Now I will have finally made it to the east coast and that is exciting!
In fact, I feel so confident that I bought tickets to Luke Bryan, well actually, I bought 1 ticket! I am going alone! I could have had someone go with me, but I would have had to buy nosebleed tickets for the same price as the good seat. So I got 1 ticket, and it's seat 1 which means it's an isle seat. A few months ago I was stressing about who was going to go with me to a concert, and now I have chosen to go alone. I also plan to head to Disneyland and the Zoo by myself. I was always so self conscious going places that I needed someone with me, but now I am confident enough to go by myself, and in some cases it might be even more fun. For example: Single rider lines at Disneyland are way shorter than the regular lines, BOOYAH! Better seat at a concert because it's 1 seat, SCORE!
With that said, I am not done with weight loss. When I told someone the other day I still had the last 30 pounds to go, they very sweetly said "You can do it! But even if you never lose another pound, you have accomplished SO much, and you should be proud! You look great and have come so far!" I graciously accepted such a wonderful compliment, but in my mind I thought to myself "I want to lose the last 30 pounds, I don't want to settle." So I know the desire is there, I want to accomplish my goals, which includes goal weight, maintenance, tummy tuck and life long maintenance. I am not going to short change myself after coming this far. But on the flip side of that, it's nice to feel like I have accomplished something great. It feels good to be proud and confident and to be out enjoying life instead of hiding at home because I'm ashamed of my weight.
So that is the problem... Trying to find the balance between being proud and enjoying things how they are now, but wanting to push myself that much farther to achieve the rest of my goals. I think when I was obese and truly miserable, there was this drive to lose the weight to become happier and to feel better physically... now that I've achieved that there is no desperation to get the rest of this weight off.
So as I said, it's a non problem problem and I am enjoying life and everything it has to offer! But I do have plans to go all the way and finish what I started. It is just clearly taking a lot longer than I hoped.
Friday, September 12, 2014
So every quote about opinions ended in something quite inappropriate... so I will just let you fill in the blank the word of your choice!
I am often open to hearing other people's ideas and opinions... a lot of the time I learn something new or different! I don't always agree with them, but I typically don't mind listening to what others have to say. I also do my best to remember that if they are speaking up, the most likely (not always, but usually) have good intentions and it's because they truly do care.
But every once in a while, you get that unsolicited opinion or advice that just rubs you the wrong way! Some people live their life very openly, where they tell everyone everything... and I think those people are the ones that often get the brunt of the unsolicited opinions. If you don't give people anything to go on, then they can't comment on it. ;)
When I started my job 6 years ago, I was an open book! I learned the hard way how quickly things could spread... which would have been okay if they were accurate. Things would get twisted and changed and it got to the point where I shut down. I wouldn't tell anyone anything... I knew they were going to talk about me regardless, but I figured if they were going to make up stories, they could make up the entire story, and that I wouldn't give them any words to twist.
I lost over 50 pounds before I'd even confirm the number. People would constantly ask me how many pounds I had lost and I would just say "quite a bit" or something else. I wasn't trying to be difficult, but it was hard to open back up after my prior experiences. I also knew there were the less-than-happy-for-you-coworkers that were secretly hoping that you would gain all your weight back... because that is what always happened to them!
At this point, I am open and honest about my weight loss to anyone who might ask... but it took a long time to get there. It is so much easier to share these things on Spark than it is with people in everyday life, and I think it's because here we are all working to achieve the same things. Weight loss is the one subject that I will just put out there for anyone who might want to know, but I am still guarded with most other things.
But opening up to others puts us in that magical place of hearing about what everyone thinks about you, your plans and your life. While the majority is nothing but supportive, some opinions just rub me the wrong way. In most cases, I don't think they mean any harm, but sometimes it just starts to bug me.
For me, I get the most opinions based on the fact that I want to have a tummy tuck next year. Most people wouldn't tell you they were going to have a tummy tuck or that they were thinking about it. They would go and do it, and maybe just maybe in the future they would tell you that they had one... and even then they might not say anything about it. At first I was keeping my planning to myself, but I eventually shared it here and in real life (at work). I feel like there is nothing to be ashamed of and that there is no reason for me to hide it. At work, they are going to know that I will be out for an extended period, so if I don't open up about what I am doing with that time off, that will leave them to guess... and I sure don't need them guessing! Lol!
My family is nothing but supportive, they have seen the state my stomach is currently in and they know it is necessary. I have saved up the $$, done my research, and know what to expect. I know that I want to be in the 160's and have a steady weight for 6 months. That is what *I* want. Other people want to lecture me about waiting til after I've had kids, or wait until I've been at my goal for over a year... the list goes on and on. But the thing is, you don't know my specific situation. You don't know that I've researched all about having kids after having a tummy tuck. You don't know that I've weighed the pros and the cons... You don't know that while I'm 28, I am not even in a relationship that might lead to having kids. In fact, I don't know that I will ever have children. I will not spend the next 10 years walking around with sagging skin because I "might" chose a certain path in my life. I used to say that I wanted to maintain my weight for a year before getting a tummy tuck, but that was before my stomach had become such a hazard. I don't have rashes yet, but I know it's coming. It is very uncomfortable and impairs my ability to do certain exercises. Not only that, but I've maintained my weight for a year. Granted it is not the weight I wanted to maintain, and I am not done losing, but I know myself and I know that I will not go through the pain, recovery, money and the mental struggle that comes from such a surgery and mess it all up by gaining my weight back. That might sound arrogant, but I think 2 1/2 years into this journey I know myself better than anyone. Doctors recommend you have a steady weight for 6 months, and that is my plan. Some doctors even recommend that you have your tummy tuck even if you have 10 or so more pounds to lose, because it might help and be added motivation to lose the last 10. With that said they recommend you be within at least 20 pounds of your goal weight before having surgery. My goal weight is 160, and if I'm in the 160's and can maintain then I am going for it.
This sagging skin and tummy takes a toll on me mentally and physically, and that is why I have chosen the path I have chosen. So all I ask when you voice your opinion to someone, think about how it might sound to the person you are giving it to. Think about if it will help that person to understand your thoughts, or if it might affect them negatively. Would you want the same person voicing that same opinion to you if situations were reversed? And if you are on the receiving end of such opinions, try to remember in most cases, they care and are trying to help, even if it doesn't come off that way. Most importantly, remember to make your own decisions, even if it's not the popular choice!
Monday, September 08, 2014
September 2014: 190ISH
^It may be only a few pounds difference, but I definitely see big changes in my face comparing those 2 photos!
I have to say, I can be very fickle, with just about everything! I change my mind, my plan, my goals, everything, all the time! But at the end of the day, there are things that I know that I want without a shadow of a doubt! I want to be healthy, happy, and I want to enjoy life. I want to reach my goal weight and learn the art of maintenance, I sure do plan on having my tummy tuck in October of 2015. Those are the things I know I want, and on any given day my thoughts are the same. But with other things I can be wishy washy.
I was realizing that where I'm at today can be viewed in two exact opposite ways! I can chose to feel down or I can chose to feel positive, and it really is a matter of perspective.
Let's start with how things would be if I chose to look at my journey with the glass 1/2 empty.
In nearly 2 1/2 years on my journey:
I have gained 10 pounds back on several occasions, then "wasted time" losing those same 10 pounds.
I have had days and even weeks of eating way off track.
I've had many times where I was a couch potato and not being as active as I should have.
The biggest "downer" is that I weigh about the same weight I was at this point last year. I have been down about 10 pounds lower, but right now I'm fighting the regain. That could totally be viewed as such a "wasted year" and could really defeat me, if I let it!
I could have been at my goal weight by now... if I didn't "slip up" so much I could have been at that weight for a while now.
Now let's take a look at the glass half full, which is how I'm choosing to look at things!
I weigh about the same as I did last year! How can this be a positive and a negative? Well I could have easily gained back 40-70 pounds in a year had a I stayed off track. But by getting back on track and working hard to be consistent, I managed to maintain (more or less) for a year. That'll come in handy down the road when I'm ready to start maintenance!
I am smaller than I was when I was 18 (I'm 28 now), and that is a great feeling!
I'm healthy! My blood work and blood pressure are fabulous!
I walked 9 miles at Disneyland, during an arthritis flare up, and still came home and walked my dog 2 miles! The icing on the cake? I wasn't in a ton of pain the next day.
Everything in the physical sense is easier. I no longer get winded walking up my 7 stairs to my bed room. Tying my shoes isn't a huge feat, and turning over in bed is no longer an Olympic Sport. Everyday life is that much easier, and I look forward to it getting even easier with the last 30 or so pounds lost.
I feel awesome... well, most of the time! I have my down days, where I'm down on myself or my body and wish it looked different or was smaller... but for the most part I am very happy with myself and my progress. I never truly believed I could do this, and I'm certainly proving myself wrong!
I know that I am in this for the long haul. I am not going anywhere, and no matter how many times I fall down, I have no doubt that I will get back up!
There are so many things that can be spun in a positive or negative direction, we just need to do our best to find the positives and go in that direction!
One of my Spark friends asked me how do I stay motivated everyday? My answer was that I don't. I wish I was always motivated, feeling awesome, and working hard, but that isn't how it has worked, at least not for me. I have bad days, weeks, regain 5-10 pounds and have to lose them all over again... but I'm consistent. I'm here, I'm trying, and even when I'm off track I am remembering why I need to get on track... and even more importantly that I WANT to get back on track. I want to be here, losing this weight and getting smaller and healthier! I don't always show that in my actions, especially when I'm having a rough week, but I always know what I need to do and I get back to it!
Friday, September 05, 2014
Wednesday was just an all around amazing day! I could go on and on for hours about how Disneyland wasn't really crowded, we rode about 15 rides and our longest wait was a mere 30 minutes! We met lots of characters and we walked an amazing 9 miles! So the fun part isn't Spark related, but let me repeat, we walked 9 miles! Not only did we walk 9 miles, I came home and walked Sparky 1 1/2. Then I paced in my living room til I hit 25,000 steps! I got my first ever 25,000 step badge!
Not only did I earn that badge, but my knee has been swollen for weeks due to an arthritis flare up. A flare up like this would've completely prevented me from being able to walk. It was just so painful, it was impossible! But since losing this weight, my flare ups are tolerable, and I am actually able to remain quite active. I have my moments where I'm sore or uncomfortable, but I can still walk... and apparently walk all over Disneyland!
It's amazing how much added weight can impact us not only physically but mentally as well. Not once at Disneyland did I stop to think "am I going to fit into this ride?"... I never wondered if anyone was looking at me because I was fat, or mocking me. In fact, I never once thought what anyone else might have thought about me at all! It really is a new attitude and a way of life... and I am so glad I went. I didn't even once think about the fact I didn't reach my original Disneyland goal, and I didn't feel guilty about going to Disneyland. In the picture above, it is proof of how far I have come. Do I still have a ways to go? Yes. Do I want to achieve my goals? Absolutely. I have big plans and I want to get it done, but I am not going to feel guilty for enjoying myself now! I worked hard and I deserve to have a little fun, I just need to make sure that fun isn't surrounded by food!
I also went to the Zoo on Tuesday! We got up close and personal with a giraffe that came over to visit. It truly was a blast. My precious Billy was getting exercise in! I am really starting to believe the Zoo is trying. There were 2 trainers, and they would take turns throwing him food so he would walk back and forth and get some exercise in, that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside!
So the girl who never took pictures has been on a picture spree the last two days, so here's all 9 million photos!
^Thor was smokin' hot!
^Pluto's dog bed at Mickey's house!
^Sourdough Mickey bread!
^My beautiful baby!
^Too bad the glass is grimy, this little cutie was giving me a big smile!
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
Weight loss journeys are not easy, we need all the support and accountability we can get! In an ideal world, everyone in your household would hop on board, eat the same foods you do, and walk hand in hand with you as you embark on this healthy journey! Some are lucky enough to have that support, but that isn't the case for everyone. I have always admired anyone who can lose this weight in a household where healthy eating isn't something everyone wants to agree to.
I live alone, so I am really responsible for just myself. I would say that it's a blessing and a curse at the same time. It truly is a blessing because there is no one bringing unhealthy food into the house, or suggesting that we go out to dinner. I have always been grateful not to have to deal with those temptations. On the flip side of that, I have no partner in crime if you will. I don't have someone to say "maybe we should stick to the healthy dinner we have planned" or "maybe we don't need to buy any ice cream, it doesn't go along with our goals." But I am not complaining about it lol, not having the partner in crime isn't as bad as having a saboteur that lives with you... so I will count my blessings.
I think that is why I tried so hard to "do this" with my coworker. I want to see her do well and I want to achieve my goals. Her and I are so much alike it's almost scary. We have both already lost a good amount of weight, and are at the home stretch of 20-40 pounds to go. But I notice how easily we can fall back into our old habits. I joke about rubbing off on her, because when I do bad it seems she does bad. I tell her that I don't want to "take her down with me" but she assures me she is making her own choices. I know that I am not some great and powerful Oz that can make others make unhealthy choices, and I never suggest she does the same as I do... but it did seem like we were often off track together.
When I look at the bigger picture, we have both had our ups and downs. She has been off track while I was on track and vice versa. I guess just some of our "down times" happened to align. Either way, we keep saying "we need to get back on track." While that's true, I am learning that we can't always wait for someone else. Not just me waiting for her, but her waiting for me as well. While it is so nice to have that person beside you, working towards the same goals you are, that isn't always going to be the case. We have to make our own decisions and we have to do the best we can each day.
So I need to stop sitting on the sidelines waiting for "us" to get it back together, I need to get myself back on track, and hope she comes along for the ride. I wouldn't even mind if she sprinted full speed ahead in front of me... because I want to see her reach her goals as well!
I also wanted to say that the support I receive on Spark is so amazing and it really does help keep me focused on what I want! I am not downplaying the "digital support" we get from this site, because it truly is inspiring. It is just that sometimes having someone by your side physically can really be that extra push... or anchor as the case my be!
With my new September "plan" in place, I am going to try to blog weekly with a recap. Let me warn you in advance, that means it's going to be a SNOOZEFEST! Who the heck wants to read how many days I was in my calorie range, tracked food or exercised?! NO ONE! LOL Not even me. ;) But I think bringing back some form of structured accountability will be important for me. Since I am not participating in any challenges here on Spark at the moment (Biggest Loser, Camp WannaBeFit, etc.), I think some structure would be helpful.
I hope everyone is having a great week!
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