Monday, July 21, 2014
So I didn't mean to be a tease on my last blog, I promise I didn't! It was never meant to be a secret. I had a few inquiries about what that new plan might be... especially after I lost about 5 pounds the first week. (I lost 5 pounds in my "spark week" from Wed-Wed but 7 pounds in the first 9 days on the plan). The thing of it is, I know this was mostly water weight. When we start a new plan we can get that "whoosh of water weight" right in the beginning. Even my coworker (who is like a weight loss buddy) immediately wanted to try "whatever it was I was doing". The thing of it is, if you start any new/organized plan, you can expect some water weight loss right away. Does that mean it's the best plan ever or that we are going to be super successful on it? Not necessarily.
There are 2 reasons I am not ready to talk about *how* the plan is working for me. The 1st reason is I simply don't know. It has only been 2 weeks, and we will see if I have any weight loss to show for week 2 on Wednesday. My coworker and friend were impressed by my initial loss, but I was quick to mention "what if it's a month from now and I only lost 2 more pounds?"
The second reason is that every time I announce that I am doing a plan, I end up quitting, failing at it or just simply deciding it's not for me. Then I feel like a dofus coming back to tell you all that I quit it after a week or two. So those were my personal reasons for not talking about it.
But then I had several people saying they couldn't wait to hear what it was... and then I felt bad for not sharing. I know people are just genuinely curious, I would be too. I enjoy hearing about others plans and learning about them. Does that mean they are for me and that I will do them? Not neccessarily, but if it sounds like something I might like then I may look into it.
I will also say this... I lost 85 pounds eating whatever I wanted and counting calories. That's it. I ate easy mac, chicken nuggets, and lean pockets sometimes. I ate cheetos and other goodies. Are they the most healthy? No. Does that work for everyone? No. Would I recommend to anyone to go on an "easy mac/chicken nugget/cheeto diet? No. I did eat other foods though, I swear LOL. My point is just to say that is how I lost 85 pounds of this weight. So if anyone were to ask me for advice on how to lose weight, I would tell them calorie counting is the #1 reason for my "success".
I have only been doing this plan for 2 weeks, from the author himself, he says it's a tool and not a lifestyle plan. In a sense that bugs me. My calorie counting is incorporated into my healthy lifestyle that I will do for a lifetime. So going on something that I will eventually come OFF of was not something I was ever really interested in. But with the last 25ish pounds hanging around I was ready to try something different and see if I could shake things up with my weight loss. I am ready to get to my goal and learn about maintenance.
I was also hesitant because I tried this plan last October and failed miserably. I blamed the plan, but it was all me. I see that now. I only made it 7 days last time, and I have completed day 14, so I think I am in a better place mentally.
So please, the only thing I ask is that any possible negativity about the plan itself or me going on a plan that is only temporary, please keep it to yourselves. Most of you are incredibly fabulous and supportive people, so clearly that doesn't apply to you.
The plan is called the Carb Nite Solution. A cliff notes version of what the plan entails can be found here: crossfitchallenge732.blogspot.com/20
I also want to say specific to this plan, they don't give calorie guidelines, and they encourage only counting carbs and not worrying about calories. I know that is not helpful to me. For me, it's calories in/calories out and so I still count my calories and stay in a healthy range.
Am I promoting this, saying it works, saying I've been successful at it or suggesting you do it? Not a chance. I have been on it for 14 days, I do not have any opinion on how it has worked for me because it's too soon. I have not decided how long I will be able to continue this plan... I will however say, that IF I continue for 1-2 months (I am collecting data/daily weights as I go) and have enough information to form an opinion about how the plan worked out for ME, then I will let you all know. :)
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
I lost 5 pounds this week! I know I am kind of obnoxious about that, but that really never happens anymore, so it is exciting news. I do know the reason behind it, it's because I've started a new eating plan... I am not quite ready to spill the details, but it is an experiment in the making. If I do it long enough to form an opinion and have results from it, then I will share. I'm not trying to be secretive, but I have announced that I was doing various plans in the past, ended up quitting or deciding they weren't for me, then feeling like a failure having to announce to everyone that I "quit". So I think by not sharing the details, and knowing that no one is "waiting to find out how I did", it kind of takes the pressure off. So I am fully aware a lot/some/all of that could be water weight... but when you are getting back on track, seeing the scale go down for any reason is enough to get you motivated again.
Not only that, but I am 183.2, which is the lowest weight I've ever seen. I've gotten down to 185 several times, I was 184 for 2 seconds once, but this is the real deal this time and I'm excited!
I usually try to focus on 1 day at a time, or else I get overwhelmed. I don't want to jinx it, but I can't help but look to the future milestones that are sitting on the horizon.
I am 1.2 pounds away from my 90 pounds lost trophy!
I am 3.4 pounds away from being in the 170's for the first time!
I am 6.2 pounds away from my Disneyland goal: August 18
And not to get too far ahead of myself, but I am 11.2 pounds away from reaching 100 pounds down!
Again, I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, I need to take it one day at a time. As I said before, I have been down to 185 several times, I panic and I start eating poorly. I don't know what it is, and I wish I could understand why, but this time is different. I feel truly excited to get to those milestones. I don't feel afraid, at least not right now. I don't feel like I need to eat or sabotage myself, I feel like I need to try my hardest to get where I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I won't get too comfortable, because that seems to be when the self sabotage or Binge Monster kicks in. I am going to keep my guard up, I'm going to proceed with caution, and I am going to work hard to reach my goals!
I have forgiven myself for all the bad days, weeks, months. I have forgiven myself for all the time I "wasted" fighting with the same 10-15 pounds. If you had told me in September when I hit 80 pounds down that I would be celebrating 90 pounds down some time 11 months later, I would have told you that you were crazy! Why would it take me 11 months to lose a measly 10 pounds?! But I see now that this journey isn't just a straight line, and there are curve balls, challenges and rough times. But the good news is, by not giving up, I still have the chance to reach 90 pounds down! Was it as soon as I would have liked? Of course not, but better late than never right?! So hopefully in the next week or 2 I will be celebrating that first milestone!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
I have been on this journey for close to 28 months (yes I count ), and I often get distracted... it doesn't take much to distract me either! The scale can stall, I get distracted, get lazy, gain a few pounds. Or the scale even drops to an all new low number, I can respond the same way... I mean I'm doing so well, why can't I slack off a little? I also am easily distracted by food, oh something delicious is in the kitchen at work, well I might as well eat it today and get back on track tomorrow...
I have learned that for me, there is no starting over. I had stopped and started so many times, and that always meant quitting, gaining all the weight back, and then trying again. That is no longer the case for me. When I recommitted in March of 2012, I had decided it was going to be the final time! Sure, I had decided that EVERY TIME I had started over, but I was determined to do it for real-sies this time.. and I have!
I have messed up, lost my way, fallen in the pit of despair several times... but I have never once given up! I have not disappeared from Spark, I have posted my gains on my ticker (many times for that matter), consistently tracked my food and exercised... and just kept at it! There have been some really bad days and weeks, but there were also some good ones. Through the good and the bad, I realize one thing that is different... my attitude has changed. A bad day or week doesn't mean I have to give up entirely and start over in the future. It's called life. There's twists and turns, good and bad and you just gotta keep on truckin'.
A "fresh start" in my mind is different than "starting over." Sometimes we need a fresh start to get things going again. Sometimes we need to forgive some of the "bad days" and just focus on the here and now. So last Monday, I got a fresh start! I started counting my good eating days, and I forgave all the bad that had happened the week prior. Since then, I have been focused and doing well. The scale is already starting to come back down (after a hefty gain), and Saturday I completed day 6/6 on track! Boy does that feel good! Do I expect ALL the days will be great? No, but I do like having quite a few good ones under my belt. With each good day I get to add a rubber band to my rubber band ball, and I forgot how good that felt! It feels good to reach our goals, even if it's just a daily goal of staying in calorie range. Success is really just a bunch of small victories all strung together! So I am getting there, day by day, pound by pound... and that is how I know (not think, I know ) that I will reach my goal weight! I can't tell you when, but I just know that with my determination, I will get there!
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I let my weight hold me back from having my picture taken... not only that, but the few that were taken never really saw the light of day, because I looked fat and didn't need anyone to see that. I realize how silly that is now, if they knew me, they knew I was fat, they knew what I looked like, so there was no reason to hide it. But if you check my Facebook, all the pictures posted of me in that phase are at the perfect angle and perfectly cropped LOL! More importantly, there aren't very many of them. I regret that now, and it is also why I don't have very many "before photos". They just didn't exist... Most of the ones on my page in the green shirt are even from the same day.
I have been working on changing my perspective and having a positive attitude. I know that things can't always be 's and 's, and there are many things that I can't control in life... but I can control myself and my reactions to outside stuff... and I am choosing to be positive! So instead of looking how far I have to go, I decided to look at how far I've come. Then I thought, "It's such a shame I don't have other before pictures to look at"... Then I realized that some of my friends might have some on THEIR facebook pages. Yes that's right, I looked fat, so they were not on my page, nor was I tagged in those photos... as far as I was concerned they didn't exist. But when I found them, I was sure happy that my friends didn't listen to me when I asked them to delete them. Between the darker hair and the excess weight, I don't even recognize "the old me", and that is a really exciting feeling!
Monday, July 07, 2014
I have been struggling for quite a few days now... I am not panicking yet... but it is getting close to that zone. So what happened today could not have come at a better time. But to paint a better picture... let me give you a little extra insight into today...
I am feeling bloated, crummy, TOM is coming any second, I feel like a fatty-mc-failure... made terrible food choices, and just feel all around blah! But then something happened... something that definitely threw me for a loop. A coworker that I don't see very regularly saw me, in free dress (so jeans and a tshirt instead of a baggy uniform) and said "Wow, you have lost so much weight! You look like a different person! I'm kind of freaking out right now, lol, it's amazing!"
I thought it was so nice of her, but being honest I always just blurt stuff right out... so I said "I've gained like 10 pounds!" Okay, exaggeration, I've gained about 5, but it just came out... and being me I made a joke "I can't even button my pants!" We had a good laugh... and I asked if they wanted anything from Starbucks, and yet another joke "because that's what I need when I can't button my pants, Starbucks." Another coworker having lost a lot of weight himself said "You still look amazing, you can have some cheat days now and again, you are doing great!" I thought that was so kind, I wanted to say I've had one too many "cheat days" this week, but I decided to take the compliment with kindness and not make a joke. It is just in my nature to crack a joke like that, but I do appreciate the compliments and always say thank you.
It really was eye opener, and a much needed one! I am not a failure, not in the least. I'm still "successful" at weight loss. Until the day comes that I throw in the towel and gain back all 80+ pounds, I am clearly doing SOMETHING right. I needed that reminder today, I needed that reminder that I look VERY different to everyone who knew me at my highest weight. Even if I don't feel amazing today, it doesn't mean I haven't accomplished some amazing things. It reminded me to be proud of what I have accomplished, and it reminded me that I need to have confidence in myself. Not just confidence in the way I look or the person I am, but confidence that I *KNOW* how to lose this weight. Every time I start to gain back some weight, I question everything. I question why I'm doing this, how I'm doing this, whether or not my plan works... but I have no reason to doubt myself or my plan. My plan works, when I do it... when I start gaining it's because I'm not following "my plan", plain and simple. I don't need a new plan, I just need to do it.
The other interesting thing about perspective is, to others, they see someone who has lost 80+ pounds, I see someone has recently been off track and has gained back 5 pounds. It is not because I think lowly of myself, it is because I need to keep things in perspective. I could easily shrug off 5 or 10 pounds stating "I've still lost 80 pounds"... I could be in denial about the weight gain and say "Everyone says I look great, so I don't need to worry about that", and I could do that all the way to where I've gained back 80 pounds going "how did I let this happen?!"
So just as balance is important in a healthy lifestyle, and honestly for most things in our lives... balance is important here. I have to find the balance between being proud of what I've accomplished, but not so much so that I turn a blind eye to regained weight. I can be happy to receive compliments, but I can't allow the compliments to justify my poor eating. I can't take it lightly that my pants are getting tight, but I am also not going to beat myself up for it either. I am going to take control, continue to attempt to get things back on track.. and continue to TRY each and everyday. All I can do is keep trying... I will keep trying to lose the weight, and one day I will have done it. Then I will try to maintain, for a lifetime... There will be fluctuations, there will be horrible awful days, but there will always be good, fabulous on track days too! I just need to remember that being healthy (and looking fabulous, I can't even lie ) is something that I want so badly, that I will never stop trying! (And yes, you Star Wars people would say Yoda says "Do or do not, there is no try", but I'm not a Star Wars person )
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