Tuesday, May 21, 2013
So today, after six weeks here on SP with you AMAZING people, I officially reached the 20 pound loss mark :-). I actually had to fold the waistband of my scrub pants over to day so that I wouldn't trip over the pant legs:-). That certainly garnered a smile!
But the other thing I was able to do means more than words could ever describe. I was able to put my wedding band back on last night. I wore a size six ring when we were married. I have not had this ring on my hand for years. Now it's tight, but IT IS ON!! I have tears in my eyes right now just typing this.
As some of you know, things have been hard for Ray and me, since my beginning recovery again. Brutally honest conversations litter my week nights and the weekends are spent in an awkward and uncomfortable silence at times. However, I no longer scream and yell; he no longer deafens me with his silence. So despite the difficulty, we are moving in a forward direction...a very necessary direction. Being able to place the symbol of our love and commitment to one another back on my hand is a priceless NSV. And I saw his face this morning as he left for work, during my requisite silent tear shower, that it meant something to him too. There was a glimmer in his eye I have not seen for weeks. I miss that glimmer and I'm sure he does as well.
Thank you SP.
Monday, May 20, 2013
It's such a funny thing to feel my body changing. Today, my body is different than it was six weeks ago. I couldn't imagine feeling this good in such a short period of time, even though I've already done this once before! For so long I put off the inevitable changes I had to make in order to be right where I am today. I did that because somewhere in my mind...you know, that corner where the crazy chick lives (we all have one)...I thought about losing over 100 pounds instead of ten. I looked at the treadmill and saw hours instead of minutes. I avoided even looking at the elliptical because I envisioned 30 minutes instead of 3. And I set myself up to fail with all of that projection.
That's why for me presence is so imperative. I AM ONLY EVER RIGHT HERE! IT IS ONLY EVER RIGHT NOW! In this moment, everything is perfectly fine...exactly as it should be and I get great comfort from that acceptance. The rest is insanity and I am so grateful that abstinence for me always translates into presence.
Right now, my clothes are loose, I sleep well, I can move more easily with less aches and creaks, I feel pretty...lol. And all of this without losing 142 pounds...without spending hours per week on a treadmill or h-elliptical...without getting back into my size twelve jeans!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I am so grateful for today! I feel NORMAL, again. I feel like I have not felt in all these months since I started working seven days a week to get my business off the ground.
I sat in my garden this morning, read my Tao and did not HAVE to go anywhere, unless I wanted. That is such a gift to me!!!
I can DO this. I can run my business without running myself into the ground. I can take time to recover, to live, to enjoy my family...to enjoy STILLNESS again. I am going to be OKAY...actually, I AM okay today. I am okay in every present moment, in every second that is not clouded by compulsive thought...which for me translates into freedom from judgment, attachment and expectation...I am more than okay :-).
Today, in this moment I AM and my job is TO BE. And ohhhhh, it feels soooo good!!!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Today is a miracle for me. This is the first night I will go to bed since January without an alarm set or somewhere to be tomorrow!!! I feel free!!! I napped like a three year old!!! And the courage I received to let go a little bit and give myself some space to breathe came directly from my involvement in recovering on the webpages of SparkPeople!
I am BECOMING my intended self here. I am dropping things that held me back, kept me down and stunted my growth. I am in bloom. Just like the sunflowers on this page, I have lifted my face to sun, broken free from my cocoon and declared to the Universe...'I want to LIVE!!!!'
Thank you, SP! Thank you, my circle of sisters! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
I CANNOT do this alone!
Friday, May 17, 2013
So many positive changes...and in such a short period of time. Who would have guessed that five weeks ago, I would be experiencing such movement and evolution. A brief synopsis:
1. I'm being HONEST for the first time in my marriage with my husband about how his behavior really effects me. I get to do this without all of the requisite anger and frustration I'd permit to build up inside and then would quell with food, avoiding our need to talk about it.
2. I hired a part-time employee to give me some breathing room...room to live and recover peaceably.
3. I am feeding my BODY with food instead of using it to feed my psyche and my spirit :-).
4. I walk my beautiful baby, Smokey EVERY day I can, usually twice. He's come to expect this from me and it makes me all the more close to him:-).
5. I saw cheekbones yesterday....lol
6. I'm wearing jeans I couldn't fit into 3 months ago!!
7. 18 pounds are gone for good!!! Bye, bye 280's...oh, and you too 270's....!!!!
And, I have a funny feeling I'll be getting another star next week..... ;-)~ 259...here I come!!!
8. Last, but certainly not least...I have an amazing support system, full of beautiful, strong, determined women to walk this road with me. I will never be 282 again unless I choose to ABANDON every one of you. I couldn't imagine that on my WORST day! Thank you for the support, encouragement and love each of you offer so generously! None of this would have happened had I tried (again) to do this alone!
I love you all!!
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