Thursday, May 16, 2013
I met someone new today. She was a very pretty woman...older...but the kind of older you can tell has lived this life fully. Despite the wrinkles around her eyes, they sparkled with the mischief and clarity of a woman who knows who she is. She had high cheekbones and a tight jaw-line which perfectly framed a beautifully bright smile. Her hair was impeccably coiffed in a gorgeous shade of auburn that glimmered in the light and provided a magnificent frame for the rest of her features. Despite her plus size figure, she was light on her feet and moved with an air of someone at home in her skin. I smiled at her instinctively, as simply seeing her visage made me happy inside. For a split second, I really did not know who this fair creature was. And then I retraced my steps, moved back to where she had been and much to my dismay and delight, I found myself looking in a mirror. There she was again, looking back at me and saying, 'hello, it's nice to see you again' :-).
She is amazing. She is becoming her intended self. She is someone worth saving. I will not allow the other woman I was used to seeing in the mirror EVER stand in her way again!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
In corresponding with a friend last night, I made a discovery. At some point in the next couple of weeks, I will be back in the 250's. I weigh in weekly on a doctor's office scale...you know the one...with that big, clunky chunk of metal that moves so loudly in 50 lb increments. I can feel the clunking rattle in my bones when I have to move it to weigh. But from the 250's I am a very short jaunt away from the metal chunk going down to the 200 mark.
I have not weighed under 260...and obviously haven't had that chunk of metal on the 200 mark...FOR YEARS. I have toggled between 263 and 285 for longer than I care to remember, losing the same 20 pounds over and over and over. And it occurred to me...I have NEVER had REAL, sustainable weight loss while in a relationship. I have gained 100 pounds EXACTLY since the day the moving truck pulled off of the curb at my then boyfriend's (now Mr Slezak's) house. I went down to 182 from 199 (after starting at 347) during the six months while we were dating. But I never saw 182 again after the day I moved in with him. If...scratch that!...WHEN I get below 260, this journey will take on a whole, new dimension for me. One I am so ready to face.
But in the meantime, my discovery last night was this. I am 'a fixer'. I take on responsibility for others that I, #1, have NO business taking on and #2, that they don't even necessarily WANT me to take on. I used to be this way with EVERYONE. It was exhausting and I gave up that behavior during my first go-around in recovery over 10 years ago. But I have managed to hang on to a small sliver of the fixer when it comes to my significant other. And it occurred to me last night...I will not recover if I am not able to fix this about myself once and for all.
So I'm saying it here and now...TODAY...I am no longer the FIXER. I am taking responsibility for ME...for fixing ME...and no one else. I can help, I can assist, I can contribute. But I am PERMANENTLY OFF fixing duty! I surrender that aspect of myself here and now.
Look out 200 pound indentation...I'm coming for your a**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Therefore, the Master concerns herself with the depths and not the surface,
with the fruit and not the flowers.
She has no will of her own.
She dwells in reality
and lets all illusion go.
-Lao-tzu, from the Tao Te Ching, as translated by Stephen Mitchell.
This was my morning verse from the Tao. I have read it so many times on so many mornings over the years. But today, it fit me PERFECTLY. Having departed the euphoric state of my first few weeks in recovery, I feel grounded. I feel ready. I WILL do this because I NEED to do this...and that knowledge is enough to keep me on track daily. I am here to RECOVER. Judgement of my experience, attachment to a number on a scale and expectation of certain results in a particular time frame are the OPPOSITE of why I am on SP. My ONLY JOB is to DAILY complete the baby steps which move me toward sanity of mind and body. Acceptance and surrender shall be my best friends on this journey.
Therefore, I have no will of my own. I dwell in reality. I let all illusion go....
Monday, May 13, 2013
As some of you know, my first go-around with recovery was in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous. The Anonymous recovery model has a term with which they refer to the 'honeymoon' we're on when we first start to get our sh** together and leave behind old, destructive habits. This time in an addict's experience is called 'the pink cloud'. The vast majority of us (regardless of the 'drug' we're there to give up) get on it. And EVERY, SINGLE ONE of us falls off of it, eventually. It's so easy to recover while floating on the pink cloud. Not so much after the fall.
I fell off of my pink cloud recently. Not quite sure exactly when it happened...definitely within the last week. What I know from the last time is this. I still have to participate 24/7 in my recovery. I still have to do the work. I have to commit DAILY to my program as outlined on my Spark page, whether I'm super-psyched about it or not. This is where the SUPPORT and the ENCOURAGEMENT we give one another here becomes our life-line, our fail-safe, the difference between success and utter failure.
I am no longer THRILLED to be recovering...lol. Today, I am just that recovering addict, here because I NEED to be here, or I won't make it. I have moved into REAL recovery. And although no longer ecstatic, I am GLAD and GRATEFUL to be here...and am grateful for each of you who walk this road with me. I'll need you now more than ever! Thank you!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Grateful for SP! Grateful fo all of my SP friends! Grateful that food isn't a compulsion today! Such freedom I've found in my life a a result of joining this site.
It works if you work it!
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