Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I read a blog by an SP friend and it opened my eyes to something I was unaware of about myself up until this moment. This is MY recovery program. I do this for ME. For some strange reason, I have forgotten that. Maybe it's the success I had until my slip Sunday. Maybe it's unchecked ego I thought I'd lost already. Maybe it's pride. I don't know what it is, but it must stop. I weighed myself this morning and I wasn't going to track the fact that I gained 5 pounds. I really didn't even want to share that I'd had a slip the other day. But then I remembered the mantra from OA that says, 'we're only as sick as our secrets.' I know I can't afford to have them...EVER...in recovery. So I copped to the slip. But I did not want to track my weight today. And why?? Whom am I trying to impress? Whom am I trying to avoid disppointing? I disappointed MYSELF to be honest, and I couldn't hide from that fact if I tried. So why am I trying to hide it from all of you??? God, my mind is so freakin' crazy! The only thing normal about me right now is the fact that I make myself work this program every day. But being dishonest isn't working the program, even if that dishonesty is expressed through omission.
I came to SP to fix myself. I appreciate what all of you contribute to that, but at the end of every day, I do this for me! FOR ME! Not for any other person. I can't afford to care what anyone else thinks. I don't have the luxury of saving anyone from disappointment if it means disappointing myself. I don't want to fail at this. I cannot afford to fail at this. I have to be brutlly honest with every aspect of my program, or I am simply wasting my time. God knows there's been enough wasted time up until this point in my life. And I just can't do that anymore.
So here it is...I had a slip on Sunday. It looks like that slip cost me a 5 pound gain since last Tuesday's weigh in. And so what? I still have to be here. I still have to do this EVERY DAY, because the alternative is not an option. I am a mere mortal. I am recovering from food addiction. If twinkies had a point on one end, there'd be one stuck in my anticubital. If oreos were smaller, I'd pop them like oxycodone. If I could stick chocolate cake in a glass pipe, I'd smoke it like a crack addict. I am addicted to a drug, and for me, that drug is food. The addict in me will do all kinds of crazy sh** to hide that fact from myself. But being here on SP means that I don't want to hide in that addiction anymore.
For today, I am recovering...and that means I have to be honest at ALL costs and at every turn. I have to work this program, first and foremost with complete and utter honesty. Everything else is bullsh** if I'm not working my program.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Today I am so sated to simply be where I am. It's divine, it is sheer and utter joy. It has also been hard, it has been a challenge in particular moments today. But this is the life I live, and I have no interest in any other alternative right now. The tears, the uncertainties, the smiles, the moments of connection with the divine...are worth every, single thing I experience today. Presence has been my best friend and my salvation!
And each of you, with whom I have the HONOR and the JOY to traverse this path, make it all the more GLORIOUS! Thank you for your words...your wishes...your presence in my life!
Happy Sunday, my Beautiful Friends!
Saturday, May 04, 2013
I'm so grateful for SP :-). I'm so grateful for the energy and the evolution in the women I've met here! I feel so fortunate to be part of so much change and growth in my life and in the lives of all of you! Thank you, each of you, for the honesty and the openness you exhibit when you visit this site. It is the thing that keeps me on SP, that keeps me moving forward, that keeps me healing! I love where I am in my head and in my heart today. I love how my body feels right this moment.
I am whole today. I am healed today. And right this second...I am exactly the person I want to be.
Thank you SP! Thank you, Ladies. Thank you to The Source who put me here :-).
Friday, May 03, 2013
Today feels good. My life feels 'roomy'.
I sleep well now that I'm eating well. I am much more comfortable in my bed, a direct result of my body being smaller. Despite working seven days a week, eight to twelve hours a day, I get good rest and I feel alert throughout my day.
My clothes fit better. I look better in them. I like getting dressed in the morning knowing I'm not going to be uncomfortable all day long. I look in the mirror and I can smile at the woman looking back at me :-).
I am more focused now that the obsession with food has lifted. My mind is available again for the more important stuff in my life.
I have space to move and breathe and think and live. That is what abstinence gives me. What a gift!
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