Thursday, May 09, 2013
Today, my shop's website has been updated with my new 'summer hours', which include Wednesday as 'closed' and a 10am open time for Thursday and Friday! I hired Ariel, who will be covering the shop on Sundays, beginning May 19th. It works for her and it works for me.
I did it! I made a decision, and I followed through with the correct action. I'm proud of myself :-).
I feel a million times lighter already, just knowing I now have some room to breathe in my life. It feels REALLY good!
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
I am a FIRM believer in the notion that my thoughts are creative...that all thought is creative. What we think becomes what we speak. What we speak becomes what we do. And what we DO, creates our reality and the world in which we all live. I am extremely hesitant to give negativity any space in my head or on my tongue. However, ignoring reality in a effort to remain positive isn't healthy either. It actually makes me CRAZY. So in an effort to clear out the cobwebs, I am going to state some facts and, a plan to change what isn't working. What I am about to share should not be construed as negativity; I am not complaining. It is simply the truth...truth that will be changing TODAY.
My life is overwhelming right now. I have worked seven days a week since the beginning of the year in an effort to keep most of my regular paycheck AND start a brand new retail business. Not only do I work seven days a week, I MAKE all of the product I sell in the store. When I am not a nurse for my two 12 hour shifts, I am at the store for nine hours. Then I have to come home and MAKE soap, MAKE candles, MAKE deodorant and salt scrubs and all the stuff I sell in my shop. I hold classes and host meetings. I am NEVER, EVER not working. Even 'hippie hour' is work some days. This is an IMPOSSIBLE expectation for ANYONE. I am completely OVERWHELMED in every moment because there really is ALWAYS something to do.
And although I am married to a wonderful man, he is a man, none the less. It hasn't occurred to him to do a single load of laundry, vacuum a single rug in OUR home, dust a table or change the bed sheets ONCE since this all began. The only time recently he was willing to do any of those things is because I LOST MY MOTHER-F***ING MIND on him and practically had a nervous breakdown right in our kitchen one night when I came home from the clinic at 7:30PM to a sink full of dishes, a dog who hadn't been fed, his dirty clothes in the bathroom and I STILL HAD 2 HOURS of candlemaking to do!!! I am the chief cook and bottlewasher at home and THAT has got to come to a screeching halt. I pay the bills. I do the shopping. I DO EVERYTHING and I cannot do it anymore. I told him if I'm going to FEEL alone, then I'm going to BE alone. I will not take care of a 42 year old man-child! His unwillingness to see the disparity in our workloads is a source of pain for me which is barely describable. I take his inaction PERSONALLY, whether I should or shouldn't. Love is a VERB to me. And if he can't show me with his actions that he loves me, I don't want to hear it out of his mouth. We made a recent discovery as to WHY this is his behavior, but if he isn't willing to do something about this issue, we really don't have a future together. My business operates in the black every month and I will not share my success with someone who TORTURED me every step of the way toward it. He owns two businesses and I am constantly asked to intervene on his behalf in the areas in which my talents lie. I may not like doing it, but I have NEVER turned down his requests to assist in his business affairs. I cannot abide the inequality in our situations. So I may not be married to him when all of this is over, and that is so very disappointing to me. It is a burden I carry in my heart, in the background. All the presence in the world doesn't make it disappear.
This is how I've been walking around for MONTHS...and then I decide to throw RECOVERY into the mix. Food is what made all of this emotionally BEARABLE for me. And one month without my normal coping mechanism has got me beside myself. In addition to the fact that recovery is WORK. Proper food preparation is WORK. Time for myself to workout and be still is WORK. And I didn't have another minute to spare.
So here's what's up. This is the plan. I still have to work at the clinic 7-7 on Monday and Tuesday, but effective June 1...WEDNESDAY is my day off from having to be ANYWHERE work related. I will use Wednesday morning to make product for the store at my leisure, with no one in the house to disrupt me. The store will be closed and my customers will get used to it. It's not like I sell emergency items. I sell soap and candles. These items can just as easily be bought Thursday through Sunday. Wednesday afternoon will be my bi-weekly mani-pedi day or my monthly massage day. I take NO PILLS OF ANY KIND, so for me, those activities are my medicine PERIOD! That's it. I need this...I deserve this and I'm not gonna make it, without this change.
Also effective June 1, I will have a friend who needs some work run the shop on Sundays and I will have a day OFF. I may need to shop for or prepare food for the week, but I enjoy those things when I'm not trying to beat a clock, so that's fair.
I will continue to hold my husband accountable for our decision to get help for the issues which keep him paralyzed from helping me with basic, household tasks and spending quality together-time. He doesn't get a pass just because I'm going to have a few spare minutes now. I want him. I want this marriage. And we really have to fix this problem if we're going to make it. I won't walk away without knowing that I did everything I could do to facilitate that.
That's my new schedule. That's my new reality. I cannot and will not sabotage my efforts to recover...no matter the cost! This is MY life. I decide what happens in it. And today, I'm making better, saner choices for myself.
Hitting 'POST BLOG ENTRY' makes this real...so here it goes....
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I read a blog by an SP friend and it opened my eyes to something I was unaware of about myself up until this moment. This is MY recovery program. I do this for ME. For some strange reason, I have forgotten that. Maybe it's the success I had until my slip Sunday. Maybe it's unchecked ego I thought I'd lost already. Maybe it's pride. I don't know what it is, but it must stop. I weighed myself this morning and I wasn't going to track the fact that I gained 5 pounds. I really didn't even want to share that I'd had a slip the other day. But then I remembered the mantra from OA that says, 'we're only as sick as our secrets.' I know I can't afford to have them...EVER...in recovery. So I copped to the slip. But I did not want to track my weight today. And why?? Whom am I trying to impress? Whom am I trying to avoid disppointing? I disappointed MYSELF to be honest, and I couldn't hide from that fact if I tried. So why am I trying to hide it from all of you??? God, my mind is so freakin' crazy! The only thing normal about me right now is the fact that I make myself work this program every day. But being dishonest isn't working the program, even if that dishonesty is expressed through omission.
I came to SP to fix myself. I appreciate what all of you contribute to that, but at the end of every day, I do this for me! FOR ME! Not for any other person. I can't afford to care what anyone else thinks. I don't have the luxury of saving anyone from disappointment if it means disappointing myself. I don't want to fail at this. I cannot afford to fail at this. I have to be brutlly honest with every aspect of my program, or I am simply wasting my time. God knows there's been enough wasted time up until this point in my life. And I just can't do that anymore.
So here it is...I had a slip on Sunday. It looks like that slip cost me a 5 pound gain since last Tuesday's weigh in. And so what? I still have to be here. I still have to do this EVERY DAY, because the alternative is not an option. I am a mere mortal. I am recovering from food addiction. If twinkies had a point on one end, there'd be one stuck in my anticubital. If oreos were smaller, I'd pop them like oxycodone. If I could stick chocolate cake in a glass pipe, I'd smoke it like a crack addict. I am addicted to a drug, and for me, that drug is food. The addict in me will do all kinds of crazy sh** to hide that fact from myself. But being here on SP means that I don't want to hide in that addiction anymore.
For today, I am recovering...and that means I have to be honest at ALL costs and at every turn. I have to work this program, first and foremost with complete and utter honesty. Everything else is bullsh** if I'm not working my program.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Today I am so sated to simply be where I am. It's divine, it is sheer and utter joy. It has also been hard, it has been a challenge in particular moments today. But this is the life I live, and I have no interest in any other alternative right now. The tears, the uncertainties, the smiles, the moments of connection with the divine...are worth every, single thing I experience today. Presence has been my best friend and my salvation!
And each of you, with whom I have the HONOR and the JOY to traverse this path, make it all the more GLORIOUS! Thank you for your words...your wishes...your presence in my life!
Happy Sunday, my Beautiful Friends!
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