Thursday, May 02, 2013
First, a huge thank you to all of you...really. On this site, I find courage and support and strength and comraderie. I run to the computer instead of the refrigerator. What a wonderful way to handle my life! You each amaze me. And in this place, with all of you, I am healed and I am saved:-). What a gift this SP is!!!!!
There has been a collective sigh at home. I find that uncertainty can often be harder than knowing the hardest truth. The uncertainty is gone and now, my wonderful man and I move toward dealing with our discovery. Time will tell, but at least we have a starting point from which to work. This helps me.
I know that as a result of what I'm doing here, as a result of RECOVERING, I have the presence I need to walk down this road with him. For today, food is not the answer. What a gift!!!
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
So there it was, last night, in the middle of the room, unearthed, for both of us to see. This thing that has shared our home and our relationship and our lives, all of this time. The thing around which we have slithered and slid for seven years...was suddenly hidden no more. It is BIG. It is REAL. It is HERE. And it can no longer be ignored. That's not to say it will be dealt with quickly or even successfully...but we shall NEVER AGAIN be able to act as if it does not exist. And despite the uncertainty surrounding its presence, its arrival IS progress. We both admitted to feeling better already, just seeing it...together...fully...out in the open.
I credit the clarity of abstinence for this revelation. I credit recovery for my acceptance of and surrender to its discovery. And I have faith that this too shall pass...
Today, I am taking care of myself :-). I shall be present for WHATEVER comes. Food is not my answer today! I could not possibly be more grateful for this reality.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Today, I am incredibly grateful for SP. There is so very much happening in my life right now, on so many fronts. Changes and struggles I have not dealt with in such combination before, I am amazed that all of this can occur for one person, at once...lol. And yet, TODAY, I am free from compulsive eating. And THAT is a MIRACLE! Were it not for this program of recovery I work with all of you amazing and inspiring and wonderful and strong women, I would be eating every single doubt and fear and shred of uncertainty that has beat a path to my doorstep of late. I would be 19 pounds heavier, instead of 19 pounds lighter. I would be numb to the effects of all of this change, but I would also FAIL to be here for this experience. And isn't that why I'm here...why we're all here? I am not here to judge or anticipate or expect good or bad happenings; I am here to EXPERIENCE the thing that is right here before me in this moment. The haze of compulsive eating is gone. And good, bad or indifferent, I am experiencing...I am living...I am here...now. Today, I AM. And I love not having to finish that sentence. Abstinence permits me to simply, BE. I love it!
Monday, April 29, 2013
I still feel quite ambivalent about what's going on at home. No real change. It's a little miserable there for the time being. However, my recovery is working and that's all that matters. If my recovery isn't working....nothing else in my life works either. I hold fast to this reality. I am exactly who and where I am supposed to be in this moment. That gives me peace, despite the difficulty in my relationship.
I live in joy; my joy is deep. It is the stillness of the ocean beneath the turmoil of the waves above. It is unaffected by the winds which blow to and fro in an effort to supplant my progress. I will pay no mind to the wind and the waves. They blow and stall far too frequently for me to expend any real energy or concern on them. I shall stay here, below, where my comfort and my stillness and my sanity live. And I will wait...with peace...for the next, right thing to present itself.
Stephi, this too, shall pass. I love you.
I know. I love you, too.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Clarity is amazing...but it can be a bit** too. Food helped me ignore certain aspects of my relationship with my wonderful husband. He is an amazing man in so many ways. But if I have to face my issues with life and food, so does he. Or our mariage will not work.
Today, he's not ready. And I'm not sure I can stick around until he is. This is what I see clearly today. And to be honest, it hurts me and scares me and makes me so very, very sad.
I've dieted over the years and every time I had some clarity, every time the haze of compulsive eating started to clear, and I began to see what I saw yesterday, I ran back to food and said fu** it...I'll just be fat.
But not this time. I am in a literal fight for my soul, for my future. And I will not throw myself on the alter ever again, in an effort to make ANY relationship work. Not even the one I have with him.
I love him...but today, I love me more.
Thank you again for your love and encouragement and support. I'm so glad I'm here. And I'm so glad each of you is here with me. I cannot do this alone.
Get An Email Alert Each Time STEFIGURL Posts