Saturday, April 27, 2013
What a gift this place is for me today. What a joy to know I don't have to struggle with food today. Today, I am safe from the irrationality that surrounds me when I indulge in compulsive eating behaviors. And the peace and calm and serenity that comes from that is barely describable.
Thank you to each one of you who has had a hand in that for me :-). I love you.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Someone once asked me a question, which I have repeatedly asked myself since that day, whenever I felt the need to put myself back in the present moment and get out of the crazy, distorted and twisted dialogue that shows up in my head occasionally. He said...
'What problem do you have right this second?'
The funny thing about that question is that the answer is ALWAYS 'None.' Because unless I am face to face with certain death in that very moment, there really isn't ever anything wrong with me. Oh, there may have been something wrong 5 minutes ago. There could be something wrong tomorrow. Something bad might happen if so and so does such and such. But whenever the record in my head starts blaring itself on high, projecting me into a future that hasn't even happened yet, or dragging me back into a past that is so over, I ask myself that question. I am ALWAYS amazed and grateful to realize...NOTHING IS WRONG. What's wrong is my PERCEPTION of events, places, people and situations. Acceptance and surrender delivers me from my need to judge, my attachment to outcomes, and the expectations I carry down this road with me.
Right now I am good. Right now, nothing is wrong. And right now is all that matters.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Today marks two weeks to the day I joined SparkPeople :-). I am forever grateful to Brittney (MISSB8604...I love her :-) for being so brave as to honestly share her story for all the world to see on AOL. Her profile inspired me to log on, sign up and get serious about tackling this food addiction. And oh, the changes I've witnessed! First, but least important, I lost 15 pounds. That's great, and I'm glad but it's what I've GAINED since being on SP that has me so excited, hopeful and grateful. I am TODAY ready for what's coming in my life. I have an overwhelming sense that something is about to break wide open in my world; the type of event that fractures an existence, that makes everything that came before it, almost inconsequential. I have no idea what it is. I just know it's coming, like I know my name is Stephanie. And I also know that WHATEVER IT IS, I AM READY. I AM ready for this life ;-).
Thank you to each of you who reads this and has been such an integral part of my success here. I am here for you, as you have been here for me. And I love each of you from the tippy-toe, bottom of my heart!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I awoke early this morning to walk my HandsomeBoy Smoochy Pooch, as I've done each morning it's feasible, since joining SP. And for some crazy reason, you couldn't have smacked the smile from off my face if you wanted to! The air was warm, the humidity was gone, the sun's glare was tempered by a thin veil of whispy cloud cover and the breeze felt like little butterfly kisses across my face. To say this was a perfect morning, is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. My neighbors on their way to work probably though...'what's that beautiful dog doing with that crazy lady, smiling like she just got out of the asylum? :-)
But as I sit here and transcribe my recollection, I can't help but wonder if that morning has always been there, hidden behind the veil of a food addicted perception. Because I have no doubt that these mornings have always been there; I've actually been out there before in them. They just didn't feel the same. I remember too many mornings when I reluctantly got out of bed early, had Smokey drag me around the neighborhood, pissed that I have to walk him in this body, pained and sweaty, looking forward to another day, feeling like a slave to food with no hope of deliverance. God, that was horrible! And I could cry tears of joy right now thinking that I never have to do it again!
So to be sure I NEVER go back there, each day, I surrender to this affliction and I work my program. I log onto SP, I interact with others who share my struggle. We are gentle, loving and compassionate with one another....a salve for my soul. I track all of my food and activity with a laser-precise honesty. I reach out to a newcomer so I can give back what I have so generously been given. And I never let myself forget that this is all have to do to remain abstinent and recover from this compulsion, one day at a time, one meal at a time.
I am JOYFUL today. I am recovering from compulsive overeating!
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