Monday, November 04, 2013
So I'm just going to put it out there...I am struggling with surrendering my will to track all food daily. And that failure to surrender makes me want to avoid SPARK altogether?!?! I'm a crack-head, I swear...lolol.
Proper food shopping and preparation has been such a sticky wicket for me lately as my TIME has been gobbled up with so very much to do. I really examined that statement as being a cop-out, but it's so true and crystal clear to anyone who has ever made the attempt to eat well. It is VERY TIME CONSUMING to eat correctly! Shopping for fresh, whole foods that don't have a shelf life...washing, cutting, packaging those foods...preparing healthy meals and dressings and snacks...it all takes so much time and effort...time I no longer seem to be able and/or desirous to carve out.
I have always been a very 'type-A, black and white, all or nothing' person and it's almost as if having to eat ANY pre-packaged foods means eating nothing BUT prepared foods!!! If every meal can't be the whole and healthy kind, then why should any be??? Then I stay away from Spark because if I cannot do what I made a commitment to do, why show up at all?!?!
See...told you I was a crack-head!!! ;-)~
I know ultimately this issue will simply fall into the 'JUST DO IT!' category. But in shedding the light of day on my otherwise all-too-happy-to-hide-in-the-dark frame of mind, I get it out of the shadows and into the light, where I am much more able to clearly see it and fix it. And of course, all of you LOVELY people can throw your suggestions my way :-). I'm all ears...
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Honestly...I cannot fathom what possesses me to stop surrendering. I cannot describe with words the RELIEF that comes when I do it. I felt like sh*t yesterday...and during most of the last week...and today, I feel like I've been born again. ALL over the mere act of SURRENDERING. I know how great this feels. I know how safe and secure I am in this moment. And yet the day inevitably comes when I deny. When I protest. When I fail. I don't understand this. And I know I don't have to understand. It's just the seeker in me, the mystery solver in me, the analyzer in me that asks. It strikes me as so weird because no one does this to me. I am SOLELY responsible for that scenario.
That's exactly why Presence is so imperative, Stephi...she says softly...lol.
Hello, My Dear. YOU went into the future last week. You insisted on moving into the figment of your imagination called 'what if' and 'how come'. That made ACCEPTANCE AND SURRENDER impossible!! It really is simple, Sweetness. Just stay Present...the rest will always take care of itself!
I've had so many changes recently.
Yes, you have, so what you did, while it was not necessarily helpful, was completely natural. And I'm proud of you for not judging yourself for going astray. You really are progressing when you simply review the situation at hand and respond accordingly. You saw where you were. You stopped and mad a u-turn. That's the best you can do while here in the flesh. Judgment would have messed that ALL up!
Yeah...I remember those days.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other in every present moment...and I'll keep taking care of the rest.
okay. thank you. i love you.
I love you too, Darling :-) Welcome home!
Friday, October 25, 2013
WOW...it's been a time! I learned a long time ago in recovery that 'the why' doesn't matter...what matters is my behavior in response to 'the why'. This week, I have behaved badly. So here is my confession.
I got a little lost this week. I struggled to be Present. This throws EVERYTHING ELSE off for me. I also started seeing 'my will' again, despite our epic break-up a few months ago. He's a sneaky devil...really had my head turned around. I knew I should have been getting on Spark. I knew I should have been reaching out. I ABSOLUTELY have to weigh and measure and track my food daily...but I didn't. In fact...I held a little protest in my head every time the idea of logging on popped up. And by *I*, of course I mean ego. It was my real self, my Intended Self that was making the plea; I just kept telling her to piss off. And the consequence to that is not cool. I have gained a few pounds, but even worse...I spent a few days in mental and spiritual hell. That's the only way I can describe the black hole of compulsive thought that takes over when I relinquish Presence.
So today, I return...today, I surrender. In this moment, I claim Presence. I ask you, my SP friends to forgive me for my failure to be here to support each of you and love each of you and encourage each of you. Because FORTUNATELY...this is not JUST about me. I made a commitment when I agreed to your help for recovery, to offer it back. I did not do that this week, and I aplogize. Please forgive me.
And I have to be honest about something else, just to put it out there. I found out this morning that an old lover found my Spark page and availed himself of my blog posts. This is someone around whom I still carry a lot of energy, so it's slightly unnerving; but as I've stated time and time again...I write this for me...I DO this for me. NO ONE is going to get so deep into my head that I change a mother-f*cking thing about my recovery...not even you, Greg. If you once again are compelled to walk down memory lane, or if you really need or desire to know something about me, feel free to email me. I obviously still have the same AOL address. This is a safe space and a private space, despite its presence online. I know you know that. Please respect it. Thank you.
Love you all...I feel a ton lighter just hitting the 'post' button!!!
The LOVE and LIGHT is BACK, B*tches!!! ;-)~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, October 06, 2013
Life has been crazy. I have not been so. This is SOOOO AWESOME!!! :-)
The details don't matter so much, but my life is BRAND NEW today. New job, new demands, new challenges, new schedule, new goals, new endeavors. I AM NEW too, apparently...which just strikes me as a mother-f'ing MIRACLE! Because this week, the old me would have had SEVERAL pity-parties...all of which would have included compulsive eating, telling my husband I need to be single, fights with my mother, poor performance at work and a whole lot of fear and loathing. In writing that, I literally shook my head like a crazed cartoon character...I WAS that girl once upon a time. I remember her...but I don't recognize her in the 'me' who walked though this last week!
When I say I have more peace than I can describe...I still don't do what I HAVE inside justice. When I say that I excelled at my work...at both my new and old job...I mean it. When I say that on top of doing what I normally do with less time than I had before, I actually did MORE...and took on two new projects. I surprised MYSELF! And I did it all like I was wandering through a douche commercial. You know what I mean...all sweetness and light...air and babies breath.
I don't know who this person is is except to say that I have ALWAYS known her. She is the splinter of the Source...she is the Intended Self for whom I searched along the most twisted and winding of roads. She is the One who has ALWAYS been RIGHT THERE...waiting...for me to let go of ego, to let go of the idea of self, to let go of the need to control...and simply Be the One I was placed here to Be.
I worked hard this week. And yet I didn't 'work' at all. I have stopped dividing my life into work and play and family time and friend time and up time and down time. Presence allows me to simply see it ALL as just my experience in each moment. Those experiences ARE my life! And I breezed through that life this week like a kid in a candy store.
That's not to say I didn't have moments, slivers of emotion, both positive and negative. But I embraced what came...when it came, and that yielding allowed me to let it go when its time was over.
I HAVE NEVER LIVED LIKE THIS BEFORE! Never for any extended period of time. And I look back over seven days of this and wonder how I ever lived any other way?!?! No wonder I gained 100 pounds in five years! Food was not even an issue or concern this week. I ate what I wanted, in appropriate portions, at mealtime and never strayed from the program. I started a brand new job AND worked my old job with joy and gratitude. I looked FORWARD to walking the dog and busting my hump planting my Eden Gardens all over the yard. I made candles and wrapped soap for Saturday's al fresco Soap Box under the gazebo with a smile on my face and a song on my lips. I drank wine with ease under the canopy tree at a friends house one evening after work. I cooked a meal for another friend in need of some support and encouragement the night before. I read a book about growing sprouts (which I am starting to do :-) and moving to a blood-type specific food plan. I had my monthly massage and cried on the table as I talked to my therapist about the miracle of keeping the house. I didn't for a single second feel stressed or tense or pulled in a thousand directions like I would have at any other time in my life! It was miraculous. It IS miraculous!
My expectations concerning my program and Spark time will have to change slightly, as my life is changing. But I will devise a plan that does not include ever spending four days in a row away from Spark. SPARK is the thing that got me here. I will not allow that to be lost on me and I will not allow Spark to be lost in my new life.
AND I MISSED YOU FOLKS!!! I thought about each of you often and for different reasons! You have become such a part of my heart and psyche that dare I say it...you are my 'real world' friends...because you ARE all real...and you are in this world! :-).
I am changing and it is AWESOME! :-) Thank you all for the love, support and encouragement that helped to move me here! Again...I love you! :-)
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