Tuesday, October 01, 2013
I am so very grateful for SPARK. I am so very grateful for the journey I am and we are making here :-). What a gift this all is to me!!! :-)
I have a BRAND NEW LIFE, each and every day in recovery. I couldn't be more grateful!
My life is unfolding...blossoming. All I have to do is surrender...
Monday, September 30, 2013
Today I am so full of emotion and gratitude. I look back over the last 5+ months on Spark and I have to admit...I should have GAINED 37 pounds during this time. Instead, thanks to recovery, I have lost 37 pounds. This is a DIRECT RESULT of the Presence I have found through Abstinence. I always KNEW what Presence was. I knew how IMPORTANT it was to my overall mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. But I had only ever had fleeting experiences with it.
The CLARITY inherent in abstaining from compulsive thinking and eating makes the daily practice of Presence POSSIBLE for me. All day...all night...I AM HERE...in WHICHEVER circumstance presents itself at any given moment. That daily exercise has SAVED MY LIFE these past few months. It has given me wisdom and insight I would not have had access to, otherwise.
Thank you SPARK! Thank you Source. Thank you Spark Friends who walk this road with me...and help me do what I could NEVER do alone!!!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
FIRST...let me say...you all CRACKED MY FAT WHITE A$$ UP with all of the 'six inches and 'tool' comments...lolololmmfaolololol. I always thought I had a dirty mind...jeeez oh man!!!! Y'all are SOMETHIN' ELSE with the sexual innuendo ;-)~~ I LOVE IT! And I sure do love all of you! For the record, I don't even get remotely excited until about 7.5...so, there's THAT!
Yesterday I stayed away from SPARK. I sat in my shop, knowing this is the last week in The Soap Box. I worked on getting stuff out to the car so Saturday (our last day open) wouldn't be so much work. I was OVERWHELMED with thoughts of how lucky I was to have had the opportunity to 'mind the counter' at this little shop! I reminisced about the people and the stories and the love and the hugs that happened in this magical little space :-). And then it hit me...
I would not be keeping my home were it not for my willingness to close this shop in the effort to support my Mother. I have to get this out...really...for me. It will be long. It will be a little ugly. Please don't feel obligated to keep reading and/or comment. I am writing this to straighten something out in my head...and for NO OTHER reason. It doesn't make me angry or sad. It is something which I am very much over. But I have to hear myself say this, because it brought this miracle into my life and I NEVER want to forget this lesson!
My mother married an alcoholic, abusive adulterer after she became pregnant because he raped her. That was the story she told me when I was 10 years old and my father left us destitute. I was the baby who made her stay with a rapist and a wife beater. And then he walked out anyway.
Shortly thereafter, she married a man who was NINE years older than I, and 14 years younger than she. He molested me on my thirteenth birthday, and when I explained to her what he had done, she told me he was trying to help me feel better about myself, since I didn't have a boyfriend. You really can't make this sh*t up. This was the home in which I lived until I RAN LIKE H*LL after I got out of college at 19. I lived there with him and with her for SIX MORE YEARS...six more birthdays. It was HELL. I HATED men...like I cannot even describe to you...I HATED them when I left home. Two months later, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and felt safe and comfortable. Sex took a while, as that was not my natural inclination or orientation, but when you love someone, anything is possible, and I lived as a closeted straight woman in an out and proud lesbian life for 16 years. And because I came from a born-again christian household, my mother stopped speaking to me for 18...EIGHTEEN...years while I lived that life and worked out my experiences and prejudice in a whole lot of therapy. No mother...no family. I was barred from speaking to EVERY, SINGLE family member whom I knew and loved for almost two decades. My Nana left this Earth during that time...no good-bye...no funeral. My brothers both got married during this time. I was FORBIDDEN from attending the weddings. My mother went so far as to tell both of my siblings that if I were invited, she would not come. What a Christian! Thanks, Jesus...lololol! Gotta love a religious fanatic...NOT!
My mother did not come back into my life until I had 're-entered' heterosexuality after leaving my wife at age 35. My recovery from food addiction and her alcoholism became incompatible and we could no longer make a life together. I left our home, my job and the area, and spent a couple years getting re-oriented to being with and dating men. After three years of that nightmare, I met my wonderful HandsomeMan :-). We have been inseparable from our first date. It was the first time I'd ever sat in the presence of a man and forgot that he was a man...he felt like a PERSON to me. No other man had ever been that to me before...even with all the therapy. In the meantime, the molester left my mother after 25 years of marriage for a woman whom he met online, and I reached out to her. She was old, and ill, and I knew she had to be devastated.
Fast forward to today. She has been a strange and yet important part of my life for the better part of the previous eight years. My husband does not understand my forgiveness of her, but he respects my wishes where she is concerned, and he has always known it would fall to us to care for her when she could no longer care for herself. SHE IS THE LAST PERSON OVER WHOM ANYONE SHOULD GIVE UP A DREAM, much less expend ANY energy in figuring out how to take from my own dearth and give to her. And yet, Ray and I are making this work. We have struggled, ourselves through this economic downturn which started in '09. Taking on another mouth to feed is a hardship. But we made the decision to do it. I decided to close my little shop and go back to real work to support my mother. And here's my lesson. In doing something truly selfless, something which I honestly don't completely understand my compulsion to do, I have been given the greatest gift.
At the end of July, it became apparent that my mother needed our help. On August 31st, I was so graciously permitted to leave my lease without penalty so I could tend to my familial obligation. On September 16th, a brand new mortgage company was sold my defaulted Bank of America mortgage. I remember thinking 'who the h*ll buys a default mortgage?!?!' PRAISE ALLAH someone did!!! It just so happens that this company, Ocwen, holds the mortgage on one of Ray's rental properties, and we have a stellar five year payment history with them. On September 17th, one of our full time nurses quit. On September 18th, I was offered her job. This is the first time in three years that I will collect a full time paycheck. On September 20th, I called Ocwen and explained that my financial picture had completely changed in the previous month and that I was able to afford my mortgage 'as is' without loan modification or principal reduction, something at which I had failed twice with BOA. They stated that they would send me a payment notice on October 1st, and that if that payment was made, and continued to be made, I would be in good standing with them and I would be staying in my home. That check is already made out and on its way :-). The foreclosure proceedings which had been initiated in June 2012 were a Bank of America issue. The moment they sold the loan, that all DISAPPEARED!!! NO SHORT SALE! NO FORECLOSURE!!!
We're back to where we were two years ago, when this all started, except the economy has turned around somewhat for my husband in his business and I am employed full time. I could have never seen these events coming and I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.
And it ALL STARTED when I made the difficult choice to close The Soap Box so that I could take care of my mother...the one who doesn't deserve it, but for some crazy reason, I decided to do it anyway. And in trying to take care of her...the Source has seen fit to take care of me :-). I am so BLOWN AWAY and AMAZED and a whole host of other adjectives that don't even exist, by the events that have occurred. And I am grateful to have learned that sometimes selflessness isn't so selfless after all...lololol :-)
Thank you Source! Thank you...thank you...THANK YOU!!!
None of this would have been possible without the clarity inherent in RECOVERY. Spark is the reason I found myself in a position to be able to see and recognize and accept the circumstances of the last few months :-). So much more than my weight changes here!!!! I couldn't be more AMAZED and GRATEFUL!!! It's almost hard to really wrap my mind around what has happened in the last week, but I'll take it...and not try so hard to understand it...lolol.
ACCEPT and SURRENDER, Stephi!
I do...I REALLY do... :-)
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