Thursday, September 26, 2013
FIRST...let me say...you all CRACKED MY FAT WHITE A$$ UP with all of the 'six inches and 'tool' comments...lolololmmfaolololol. I always thought I had a dirty mind...jeeez oh man!!!! Y'all are SOMETHIN' ELSE with the sexual innuendo ;-)~~ I LOVE IT! And I sure do love all of you! For the record, I don't even get remotely excited until about 7.5...so, there's THAT!
Yesterday I stayed away from SPARK. I sat in my shop, knowing this is the last week in The Soap Box. I worked on getting stuff out to the car so Saturday (our last day open) wouldn't be so much work. I was OVERWHELMED with thoughts of how lucky I was to have had the opportunity to 'mind the counter' at this little shop! I reminisced about the people and the stories and the love and the hugs that happened in this magical little space :-). And then it hit me...
I would not be keeping my home were it not for my willingness to close this shop in the effort to support my Mother. I have to get this out...really...for me. It will be long. It will be a little ugly. Please don't feel obligated to keep reading and/or comment. I am writing this to straighten something out in my head...and for NO OTHER reason. It doesn't make me angry or sad. It is something which I am very much over. But I have to hear myself say this, because it brought this miracle into my life and I NEVER want to forget this lesson!
My mother married an alcoholic, abusive adulterer after she became pregnant because he raped her. That was the story she told me when I was 10 years old and my father left us destitute. I was the baby who made her stay with a rapist and a wife beater. And then he walked out anyway.
Shortly thereafter, she married a man who was NINE years older than I, and 14 years younger than she. He molested me on my thirteenth birthday, and when I explained to her what he had done, she told me he was trying to help me feel better about myself, since I didn't have a boyfriend. You really can't make this sh*t up. This was the home in which I lived until I RAN LIKE H*LL after I got out of college at 19. I lived there with him and with her for SIX MORE YEARS...six more birthdays. It was HELL. I HATED men...like I cannot even describe to you...I HATED them when I left home. Two months later, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and felt safe and comfortable. Sex took a while, as that was not my natural inclination or orientation, but when you love someone, anything is possible, and I lived as a closeted straight woman in an out and proud lesbian life for 16 years. And because I came from a born-again christian household, my mother stopped speaking to me for 18...EIGHTEEN...years while I lived that life and worked out my experiences and prejudice in a whole lot of therapy. No mother...no family. I was barred from speaking to EVERY, SINGLE family member whom I knew and loved for almost two decades. My Nana left this Earth during that time...no good-bye...no funeral. My brothers both got married during this time. I was FORBIDDEN from attending the weddings. My mother went so far as to tell both of my siblings that if I were invited, she would not come. What a Christian! Thanks, Jesus...lololol! Gotta love a religious fanatic...NOT!
My mother did not come back into my life until I had 're-entered' heterosexuality after leaving my wife at age 35. My recovery from food addiction and her alcoholism became incompatible and we could no longer make a life together. I left our home, my job and the area, and spent a couple years getting re-oriented to being with and dating men. After three years of that nightmare, I met my wonderful HandsomeMan :-). We have been inseparable from our first date. It was the first time I'd ever sat in the presence of a man and forgot that he was a man...he felt like a PERSON to me. No other man had ever been that to me before...even with all the therapy. In the meantime, the molester left my mother after 25 years of marriage for a woman whom he met online, and I reached out to her. She was old, and ill, and I knew she had to be devastated.
Fast forward to today. She has been a strange and yet important part of my life for the better part of the previous eight years. My husband does not understand my forgiveness of her, but he respects my wishes where she is concerned, and he has always known it would fall to us to care for her when she could no longer care for herself. SHE IS THE LAST PERSON OVER WHOM ANYONE SHOULD GIVE UP A DREAM, much less expend ANY energy in figuring out how to take from my own dearth and give to her. And yet, Ray and I are making this work. We have struggled, ourselves through this economic downturn which started in '09. Taking on another mouth to feed is a hardship. But we made the decision to do it. I decided to close my little shop and go back to real work to support my mother. And here's my lesson. In doing something truly selfless, something which I honestly don't completely understand my compulsion to do, I have been given the greatest gift.
At the end of July, it became apparent that my mother needed our help. On August 31st, I was so graciously permitted to leave my lease without penalty so I could tend to my familial obligation. On September 16th, a brand new mortgage company was sold my defaulted Bank of America mortgage. I remember thinking 'who the h*ll buys a default mortgage?!?!' PRAISE ALLAH someone did!!! It just so happens that this company, Ocwen, holds the mortgage on one of Ray's rental properties, and we have a stellar five year payment history with them. On September 17th, one of our full time nurses quit. On September 18th, I was offered her job. This is the first time in three years that I will collect a full time paycheck. On September 20th, I called Ocwen and explained that my financial picture had completely changed in the previous month and that I was able to afford my mortgage 'as is' without loan modification or principal reduction, something at which I had failed twice with BOA. They stated that they would send me a payment notice on October 1st, and that if that payment was made, and continued to be made, I would be in good standing with them and I would be staying in my home. That check is already made out and on its way :-). The foreclosure proceedings which had been initiated in June 2012 were a Bank of America issue. The moment they sold the loan, that all DISAPPEARED!!! NO SHORT SALE! NO FORECLOSURE!!!
We're back to where we were two years ago, when this all started, except the economy has turned around somewhat for my husband in his business and I am employed full time. I could have never seen these events coming and I couldn't have planned it better if I tried.
And it ALL STARTED when I made the difficult choice to close The Soap Box so that I could take care of my mother...the one who doesn't deserve it, but for some crazy reason, I decided to do it anyway. And in trying to take care of her...the Source has seen fit to take care of me :-). I am so BLOWN AWAY and AMAZED and a whole host of other adjectives that don't even exist, by the events that have occurred. And I am grateful to have learned that sometimes selflessness isn't so selfless after all...lololol :-)
Thank you Source! Thank you...thank you...THANK YOU!!!
None of this would have been possible without the clarity inherent in RECOVERY. Spark is the reason I found myself in a position to be able to see and recognize and accept the circumstances of the last few months :-). So much more than my weight changes here!!!! I couldn't be more AMAZED and GRATEFUL!!! It's almost hard to really wrap my mind around what has happened in the last week, but I'll take it...and not try so hard to understand it...lolol.
ACCEPT and SURRENDER, Stephi!
I do...I REALLY do... :-)
Monday, September 23, 2013
I have believed for many years that there is no such thing as 'the whole wide world'. There is a space in which the 'idea' of the whole wide world unfolds, and that space is in the six, short inches that sit between our ears. Now, I have proof.
I have lived in my home for five years. Over the last two of those years, circumstances beyond my control have conspired to make me leave that home. So in my mind...I did. I gave it up willingly in my head. The last few months have at every turn, reinforced that concept, with my mother's financial downturn in July, being the last nail in the coffin of our immanent homelessness. I LEFT MY HOME IN MY MIND, to make the ACTUAL leaving much easier when it finally occurred.
And lo and behold...leaving our home was NOT the final outcome. Providence saw and knew and conspired to turn the craziest of events in our favor, and place me back in a position to not only be able to stay in our home, but to be able to take over my mother's financial obligations as well. For two years, I have been 'homeless' in my head. And in less than one week's time, my home has been 'returned' to me.
During this experience, I learned a few VALUABLE lessons I thought might be helpful to someone else. Here they are...
Nothing is EVER as it appears, except as it appears through the filter of my MIND. There REALLY is no whole, wide world. There is only my PERCEPTION of people, places and things.
That idea of homelessness ALL could have been avoided, had I not felt the need to 'protect' myself from the 'inevitable'. I was NEVER homeless. We were NEVER leaving. And yet, I have lived two years in my mind like I was and we were.
I only get to know the smallest, teeniest, tiniest part of the grand scene of life...and ANYTHING is always on the agenda! WE NEVER KNOW WHAT'S AROUND THE CORNER, no matter how things may APPEAR where we stand.
Acceptance and surrender WORK! Because had I actually been slated to lose my home, I still have never had more peace in my life, than by simply allowing events to take their natural course. In fact..forcing my DESIRES and WILL upon this situation could have DESTROYED the circumstances that actually turned it all back around and placed me where I am today.
I am GRATEFUL beyond words and beyond measure. For my home. For these lessons. For this entire experience...
If you find any of this useful, take what you need and leave the rest :-).
Thursday, September 19, 2013
This is ALMOST impossible...except that it happened. I saw the THIRD double rainbow this morning from my garden, in as many days. It HAS been raining like CRAZY here in my neck of the woods...but this is just too weird.
PLUS...there was one of those HUGE, bright-yellow full moons in the yard today, just about an hour before my rainbows appeared. Those moons are rare and MAGICAL TO ME when I see them.
Something's up...lolol. I don't know what, but I walked Smokey in tears this morning because...
Yesterday I was offered a full time job with my current employer. The bosses had said they would find hours for me when I decided to close the store, but one of the nurses at my company gave her notice yesterday, and I was asked if I wanted the job...40 hours weekly...beginning October 1st. WEIRD?!?!?! RIGHT?!?!
I cannot explain the details, but at 5am this morning I had an epiphany about our house situation. Something happened a couple of weeks ago, which I thought sounded CRAZY at the time, but I now realize that it has the potential to reverse the whole short sale situation we're in. I just didn't put two and two together until this morning...lolol. But we may have a chance to keep our home. I have some phone calls to make tomorrow morning. We shall see what happens :-).
I wonder if there's just ONE MORE double rainbow on the horizon for the morning...lololol ;-)~~~
I've been working like crazy and have not been on SPARK as much as usual, but I am fine...I love you all...and I miss you all!!!
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