Wednesday, September 04, 2013
Please know that the content of this blog, is indeed precipitated by NUMEROUS queries regarding its topic. NO ONE PERSON is being singled out; I promise. No TWO people are being 'singled out', either. I have received NUMEROUS requests about this subject matter over the last two weeks, and I felt compelled to address it here, for as many people who could gain something from its writing.
People want to know if all this LOVE is real. My love. Your love. The love we have become so adept at sharing with one another here on Spark. CAN IT REALLY BE REAL?!?! All I can offer in response is this...
IF YOU THINK IT'S REAL...THEN IT'S REAL. That's ALL there is to that big mystery.
Because here is what we tend to forget about both love and hate, and every emotion in between the two.
THE EXPRESSION OF ANY GIVEN EMOTION SAYS SOOOO MUCH MORE ABOUT THE PERSON SHARING IT, THAN THE PEOPLE WITH WHOM IT IS SHARED!
I love you freely, because I love myself completely. You and I barely KNOW one another! When you tell me you love me, I know in my heart that you don't really KNOW ME! But you know YOU...you know your intention...you know your heart. And if you extend all of that love my way, then I know, it must FIRST exist WITHIN YOU! It has to BELONG to you, for you to have it to give away.
When people choose to express negative emotion, it is SO EASY to ascribe that negativity to them and their energy. When you walk into a store and a sales clerk is rude...YOU KNOW that says more about her than it says about you. You just got there...obviously, she's been percolating that crap all day...long before you showed up! When we meet a prejudiced person, and we listen to the vitriol they spew, we can easily attach that hatred to that person. What they say has very little to do with the actions or behavior of the people about whom they speak such nonsense. Negative emotion is RARELY about the subject. It is ALMOST ALWAYS about the man, himself.
What we must remember is...the very same rule applies for love. The same rules apply for ANY emotion we dish out. It is almost ALWAYS about the delivery person, and it is rarely descriptive of the person about whom the emotion is expressed.
EGO...the idea of self...gets in the way of facing that reality. We want to believe people love us and think we are amazing and special, and a whole host of other feel-good adjectives. But just as with negativity, it just isn't about YOU. It's about the giver...how they feel...what kind of day/ life they have had...whether or not they even know who they are in this world.
When you let go of the idea of self, when ego is released...there is no need or desire for love from others. You can accept praise AND criticism with the same exact smile on your face. It is the smile that says...'now I know how YOU feel about YOU!'
If you FEEL loved...then just know that you ARE loved...and it all comes from my ABUNDANCE of the stuff.
If you express love toward me, then what I know, is that you have it to give. And that is WONDERFUL news to me. :-) What the world needs now is love, sweet love :-). Whether or not you ACTUALLY, REALLY love me is immaterial, to be completely honest.
Like Mama used to say...HoneyChild...if you got it, flaunt it!!! :-) So I do :-).
I flaunt my LOVE all over the freakin' place! :-). And I am having a BLAST with those of you who are doing the same exact thing!!! :-). I choose to believe that the energy that lets you love me without actually knowing me is the very same energy that put us all here together. And that Energy is saving my life today! Your love keeps me from destroying myself with food...SO I BELIEVE I AM LOVED...even if it IS by a bunch of 'strangers'!!! lol ;-)~~~~
YOU can believe the same thing!! :-)
I really do love YOU!! :-) That's it...and that's all :-).
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
The HandsomeMan and I just spent two and a half days DOING NOTHING. Not nothing, as in
'I wonder if the neighbors next door are dead? Bob, have you seen Steph or Ray?'. lolol. We had our FIRST, OFFICIAL STAY-cation as a couple :-).
We did stuff....just unimportant and fun stuff...lots of napping, which is always awesome, and a few movies. We took Smokey on a couple adventures where he got wet and dirty, his two favorite things, and we even had adult time away from the doggy. I got to go out to lunch at my favorite locals-only hang out, The Kona Beach Cafe, under the tiki roof with a burger and a few beers. It was glorious...really nice...and so very needed after the past year of 6-7 day work-weeks at our day-jobs, the responsibilities surrounding our businesses and never-ending family obligations.
But during this same span of time, I became strangely aware of what I hope is a new reality for me with food. I WAS ON VACATION (in my mind, even if it meant staying in my neighborhood...lol) and I didn't ONCE think...LET'S EAT EVERYTHING!!!
For me...food was always associated with FUN. Food, too often WAS the entertainment...especially on holidays and vacation. And none of that happened this weekend. In fact, when that devil who likes to tap us on the shoulder and pose all kinds of inappropriate questions showed up, my response to his digging was...'ARE YOU CRAZY? I'm trying to ENJOY myself here!'
For the fist time in a very long time, I knew that food would DESTROY my good time...lolol. That kind of amazed me.
And believe it or not, on the flip side, despite the good time we had with one another, some very difficult things had to be dealt with this weekend. Ray and I made the decision to close The Soap Box at the end of September. Smokey was bitten by a rogue dog in the neighborhood, whose owners permit him to wander all over, unattended far too frequently. We got an offer on the short sale of our home, making our displacement all the more real and closer than my DP (I'm using the non-gender-specific 'dear partner') would like to face.
So when my retort of 'are you crazy...?' came flying out of my mind to the little devil, shockingly, he had a retort of his own...
'But everything's going to sh*t around you. You have every right to eat. You're supposed to be upset!'
And it was then that I made a wonderful realization that NOW,...in my SPARKPEOPLE RECOVERY LIFE...FOOD IS NEVER THE ANSWER, no matter WHAT'S happening! I've worked hard to get where I am today...inside and outside. I LOVE me...I love recovering...I love the Presence I have! FOOD WOULD TAKE THAT AWAY WITH THE FIRST COMPULSIVE BITE!!!
I believe wholeheartedly in the DAILY reprieve I get by working this program one day and one meal at a time. I am FULLY aware that I only get relief from the ravages of food addiction when I am actively recovering. I don't get to MAKE IT. I don't save up abstinence. It is a work in progress ALWAYS. But I would like to think that based on this weekend, my MIND and my IDEAS about food may be changing for the better.
Food's not the boss today. It doesn't make ANYTHING better today. It isn't a REWARD today. And FOOD will NEVER make anything difficult disappear! Only PRESENCE makes difficulty disappear. That miracle happens when I accept and surrender...then POOF...all my 'problems' are GONE!!! :-). Food is the OPPOSITE of acceptance and surrender. Food is DENYING and DELAYING...the OPPOSITE of Presence!
I'm not even trying to CONVINCE myself of this right now. I BELIEVE this...I KNOW this...like I believe and know oxygen and Co2 are exchanged with every breath I breathe. It's not an opinion; it is a FACT! And I couldn't be more grateful for arriving at this reality! Food isn't FUN...it's the EXACT OPPOSITE, whenever I abuse it!
I had a WONDERFUL vacation...a vacation from all sorts of things :-)
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Today I stand smack in the middle of two different realities...
My mother became my financial responsibility earlier this month. This places me in a position to have to return to full time employment in order to cover her expenses. That means, I can no longer to afford to work at The Soap Box for free. My little business pays for itself, but is not yet income producing for me. I have NO DOUBT it would be some day, based on what I've seen it do thus far. This little shop is a MIRACLE in progress, for sure. Unfortunately, time is not a luxury Ray and I have right now.
In explaining to my 'real-job' boss, Tracey and my Landlady, Chris the current state of my situation, EVERYTHING I need to go do what I have to do TODAY has been handed to me...without a moment's hesitation. I have been offered full time hours at my job, by combining two of our clinics' needs. Chris has already found another person to go into my shop, if I decide that's what I want, and offered to let me out of my lease, to return my full deposit and apply my last month's rent to September. She REFUSED to take my check today until Ray and I figure out how we should proceed. Yesterday, two of the women who own businesses in our little strip plaza...women who ONLY know me from being here for the last six months, offered to run my store FOR FREE while I do what I have to do to make this work for my mother.
This is what these four women said...
they love me.
they are so sorry for what has happened.
if there is ANYTHING else they can do to help, just say the word.
They didn't even know me before this!! I have spent so much time in tears since yesterday, I didn't even put on mascara today. And strangely enough, the tears don't even come from the perceived loss I'm facing right now. The tears come from the OUTPOURING of love and support I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dreams...all from people who owe me NOTHING. My family hasn't made these offers...lolol...not even the mother, for whom I am closing my shop. That just strikes me as so very odd.
Anyway...I am getting EXACTLY what I need...in the moment I need it. I have some talking to do with Ray and with Ariel, who is contemplating purchasing the store. But the MIRACLE of what has happened this week is so very OVERWHELMING to me!!! I don't really know how to thank these people, except as they say...'Keep being you, Stephi!. That's how you can thank us.'
I don't even know what to say to that, except...I shall...I promise.
Thank you Tracey! Thank you Chrissy! Thank you Sherry! Thank you Wanda! Thank you Source! And thank you Spark Friends, for your continued love, support and encouragement!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Today I woke up with an overwhelming, overflowing of love. I carried it with me on my walk with the Poochey and shared it with my neighbors on their way to work. I took it to The Soap Box and I gave it away to strangers and friends. I brought it on Spark and spread it all around. I called my brother and wrapped him up in it. To be honest, I had a hard time laying some on my Mom when she showed up at the shop, but I did the best I could. I got home and gave as much as I could to my HandsomeMan. I made sure I made myself feel it today too.
And the funniest part about all of that is...I still have an overabundance of the stuff! LOLOLOL. I've always believed that when it comes to any part of our Spiritual journey, we have to give it away to keep it...whatever the 'It' is. But to give it away and wind up with more...that really is a MIRACLE to me :-).
LOVE...it really is all we need. :-) It really is the answer...
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
I am so grateful for Spark Friends today. I am so grateful to be recovering here. I am so grateful that food is not the answer or the boss ANYMORE :-).
Thank you to every one of you who walks down this road with me! Thank you for sharing yourselves so honestly, so openly and so generously!! I love you...each and every one!
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